distant when we aren't physically together

November 13, 2018

1. My gut tells me he isn't doing anything intentional, he's just never been in a relationship before and he's not used to having someone else as a part of his life. If I thought any of this was intentional I would be gone

2. No he isn't, which is also why I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. A lot of this is my own anxiety and it could just take a simple conversation to fix, but I'm afraid of coming off as clingy/needy and obsessive. I don't want him to think I'm asking for 24/7 attention, that's not it at all. It's just that if he has time to speak to/see other people I would appreciate more than one quick conversation at the end of the day if I'm lucky.

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote deleted

November 13, 2018

Then the answer is simple. You just have to talk to him about it.

Gut is always right.

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote deeted

November 13, 2018

Inexperienced or no, a guy who won't add you on Facebook (but will add your friends) and keeps emphasizing the need for distance is not a guy who has any desire to be serious with you. You don't throw up those kinds of boundaries with people you want in your life.

November 13, 2018

The reasons we broke up were complicated and involved outside sources and when he re-approached me 3 weeks later he apologized for ever saying he lost feelings because it wasn't true, he just didn't think there was hope for a second chance so he wanted to move on and tell himself that he was over it. I take back the facebook thing- he accepted my request about an hour ago.

It's not complicated at all.

A guy who is really into you just doesn't behave this way. He doesn't let "outside sources" influence his feelings for you to that degree. I know you are both still very young, but if I could go back and tell my 19-year-old self something, it would be not to waste my time on guys like this. It was never worth it and never led to anything serious.

November 13, 2018

After knowing this man for 60 days you are in contact once or twice per day? OMG that sounds smothering to me not distant.

Your idea that he should be in touch constantly all day every day is unreasonable. Needy does not even come close to how wrong that is.

Work on your own anxiety & building your confidence. You will be happier in the long run

Edited November 13, 2018 by d0nnivain

November 29, 2018

Hey everyone, I need some help.

I started dating this guy roughly three months ago, a little less. The thing is, he's never had a girlfriend before (were both 19). Overall, I really, really like him. We have a lot in common, have great chemistry and we connected really fast.

The thing is, there are some things that bother me. I'm not the kind of girl who likes or needs 24/7 attention, I have my life to live and I am very independent. But our relationship seems to be confined to either my place or his place, and only my friends.

He's definitely not using me for sex, he has no problem coming over just to hangout and once in a while we'll grab breakfast together. But he doesn't really do anything with me other than that. I've been bold in taking initiative lately, we're both going to the same hockey game on Friday so I asked if we could just go together. But it bothers me that he wouldn't have bothered to ask if I didn't.

Like I said, he's great when we're alone or with my friends. Holding my hand, kissing my forehead, putting his arm around me etc. But when it comes to actually doing activities like going on dates or hanging out outside of our own places, or showing any amount of affection in public he gets weird. Yesterday I asked if I could tag along when he went to hangout with some friends (a few of the friends are mutual so it wasn't weird for me to ask), and he was like "uh yeah sure," but when we got there he barely acknowledged me. It wasn't to be a jerk, I think he just genuinely doesn't know how to act yet in a new relationship around other people. I ended up leaving because I felt like he didn't want me there and he told me that wasn't the case at all and asked me to come back.

I don't know how to tell him that I want to do more than just hangout in our rooms all the time or that I want to be a little more public about our relationship. I don't expect him to be making out with me or all over me, I would hate that. But at least including me in conversation/introducing me to people when we're with his friends or holding my hand every once in a while or something. I just feel insecure about the fact that to other people he looks totally single. I don't mind taking the initiative once in a while when it comes to asking him to do stuff, but I don't want to always be the one suggesting plans on the weekends. We talk and usually see each other on a daily basis, but it isn't really until the end of the day and again we just end up at my place or his place. He's kind of an awkward guy and has trouble expressing himself as far as emotions, and I know his parents divorced when he was little and have never been affectionate with him so I think that has something to do with it. He's also mentioned to me before that the thought of falling for someone and spending years with them only to breakup scares him, so I think maybe he's scared of really deepening the relationship.

Like I said, I don't expect him to be all over me all of the time, but it would be nice after 3 months to have other people outside of my friends know we're exclusive, and to have him put a little more effort in than the bare minimum/a conversation at the end of the day. Is it weird for me to want him to take me on a date or spend time with him and his friends (especially since some are mutual)? I just don't know how to talk to him about this without sounding clingy, really I just want to feel appreciated/wanted and secure in the relationship which is hard when I worry that to him our relationship only exists in my world and not his, if that makes sense. I just don't want to feel hidden or like I'm putting all of the effort in.

*note, please refrain from "don't waste your time," "leave him," or "there's better out there" type of responses. That's not what I'm looking for and I want to be patient with him and see if things improve because he does genuinely like me and I care a lot about him so he's worth waiting it out to me.

Edited December 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads from confirmed duplicate accounts

November 29, 2018

<snip>He's also mentioned to me before that the thought of falling for someone and spending years with them only to breakup scares him, so I think maybe he's scared of really deepening the relationship.

He's kind of an awkward guy and has trouble expressing himself as far as emotions

I want to be patient with him and see if things improve

-- Then that's what you should do. Come back when you're patience has run out and you're tired of waiting for him to grow up and being his relationship teacher.

Edited November 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

November 29, 2018

If that is how he is normally, then you are honestly only asking for trouble by expecting him to do things that he would not normally do if he has not done it already. You are dating, so it is natural to expect some things out of your date, but keep in mind that before he is your, "boyfriend," he is an individual with his own quirks, habits, and interests. Even if you want things to change, you need to give it much more time than 3 months. After all, his personality did not develop in three months, so if you want him to change in anyway, you need to grind at it for a lot longer than that.

Relationships come in all variety of shapes and colors, and not every relationship needs to be about doing many things together...or anything at all. Keep your expectations in check and accept each other as individuals before you put a label on that person and the expectations that come with said label.

You both still young. There is no need to rush into anything. In my humble opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship as it is. Take your time to learn about each other and yourself. Even if someday you get married, that is still only the beginning of the relationship. The more you see that there is a problem, the more you will just end up creating problems.

November 29, 2018

You are allowed to express your expectations. My husband is not the best date planner nor is he particularly romantic. I tease him sometimes & call him Mr. No-mance.

When I really want him to plan a date I tell him that. I say something like "honey you haven't planned a date in a while. Could you please?" Most times I'm perfectly happy figuring out what we're doing. It's just easier / more efficient.

You can sit your guy down & tell him you would prefer that he took some initiative. You'd like him to plan something for the two of you to do together. Explain that it doesn't have to be elaborate although it could be but you'd like it if he suggested a hike, a movie, a game night, attending a party etc. See if he follows through. At 19 he may simply not know how to date.

November 29, 2018

If that is how he is normally, then you are honestly only asking for trouble by expecting him to do things that he would not normally do if he has not done it already. You are dating, so it is natural to expect some things out of your date, but keep in mind that before he is your, "boyfriend," he is an individual with his own quirks, habits, and interests. Even if you want things to change, you need to give it much more time than 3 months. After all, his personality did not develop in three months, so if you want him to change in anyway, you need to grind at it for a lot longer than that.

Relationships come in all variety of shapes and colors, and not every relationship needs to be about doing many things together...or anything at all. Keep your expectations in check and accept each other as individuals before you put a label on that person and the expectations that come with said label.

You both still young. There is no need to rush into anything. In my humble opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship as it is. Take your time to learn about each other and yourself. Even if someday you get married, that is still only the beginning of the relationship. The more you see that there is a problem, the more you will just end up creating problems.

Thanks for this, I just get really insecure when I feel like I'm putting all of the effort in and wish he would want to do more. I'm afraid of feeling hidden or like something pushed off to the end of the day, especially when I know he makes time for other people throughout the day. I'm going to stick it out for a while and see if things improve because it is still early and I do know how much he cares about me I think he just needs to figure out how to express that.

November 29, 2018

You are allowed to express your expectations. My husband is not the best date planner nor is he particularly romantic. I tease him sometimes & call him Mr. No-mance.

When I really want him to plan a date I tell him that. I say something like "honey you haven't planned a date in a while. Could you please?" Most times I'm perfectly happy figuring out what we're doing. It's just easier / more efficient.

You can sit your guy down & tell him you would prefer that he took some initiative. You'd like him to plan something for the two of you to do together. Explain that it doesn't have to be elaborate although it could be but you'd like it if he suggested a hike, a movie, a game night, attending a party etc. See if he follows through. At 19 he may simply not know how to date.

thank you, i think i'm going to try this because i really do think it's just a matter of him being inexperienced with this kind of relationship, after all he didn't even have his parents to look to as an example. I'm just afraid of coming off as needy or like a lost puppy vying for his affections

November 29, 2018

Well, he isn't comfortable incorporating you into his life, but yet he's downright clingy getting all up in yours. That doesn't sound normal, does it? To me, he just sounds boring. Like all he wants to do is hang out. When he wants to do something else, he wants to do it with his friends and not you, apparently. Maybe his friends are disgusting or something and he fears if you get to know them, you'll know he's disgusting too or they wouldn't be his friends. Maybe he's still so immature his friends like to laugh at him for being interested in "girls" because they're little dweebs. Or maybe there's one he knows would try to steal you from him. I mean, you need to ask him. And if you are tired of just hanging out, you need to tell him you're bored and he has to step up the activities and actually take you to do do something fun.

November 30, 2018

At that age boys are still lagging behind girls in maturity in this area. It's even worse for boys without a male role model. They catch up later. Don't expect too much in the near future.

November 30, 2018

Well, he isn't comfortable incorporating you into his life, but yet he's downright clingy getting all up in yours. That doesn't sound normal, does it? To me, he just sounds boring. Like all he wants to do is hang out. When he wants to do something else, he wants to do it with his friends and not you, apparently. Maybe his friends are disgusting or something and he fears if you get to know them, you'll know he's disgusting too or they wouldn't be his friends. Maybe he's still so immature his friends like to laugh at him for being interested in "girls" because they're little dweebs. Or maybe there's one he knows would try to steal you from him. I mean, you need to ask him. And if you are tired of just hanging out, you need to tell him you're bored and he has to step up the activities and actually take you to do do something fun.

I want to talk to him, I just don't want to sound needy. I wouldn't mind talking to him once a day either because I understand he's busy. But what bothers me the most is what triggered this post (aside from the issues with his friends from last night), when I haven't heard a single word from him all day but then see he's active on social media for extended periods of time, responding to other people. It bothers me that he can do that but can't just say a quick hey until it's 11 at night. It also triggers my insecurities and leaves my thoughts wondering, who is he talking to or who is he with. I've been cheated on in the past and I also have generalized anxiety so my thoughts always go to the worst possible places when someone doesn't match my efforts.

November 30, 2018

I want to talk to him, I just don't want to sound needy. I wouldn't mind talking to him once a day either because I understand he's busy. But what bothers me the most is what triggered this post (aside from the issues with his friends from last night), when I haven't heard a single word from him all day but then see he's active on social media for extended periods of time, responding to other people. It bothers me that he can do that but can't just say a quick hey until it's 11 at night. It also triggers my insecurities and leaves my thoughts wondering, who is he talking to or who is he with. I've been cheated on in the past and I also have generalized anxiety so my thoughts always go to the worst possible places when someone doesn't match my efforts.

I don't know, OP. I think you're right to be concerned, because you seem much more into him than he is into you.

I don't necessarily believe he's cheating but he just does not appear to have the same interest level in the relationship that you do. Sitting him down and talking to him isn't going to change that.

You can be patient and hang around if you like, but I wouldn't recommend doing that. Boys who are into you, even at 19, are generally going to be paying more attention and wanting to see you and talk to you more consistently.

November 30, 2018

It's unlikely he will change, and certainly not anytime soon.

It's a lesson that usually has to be learned the hard way - push past all the warning flags at your own risk emotionally.

November 30, 2018

if he seems single to the outside world and you feel hidden, this is not good.

I understand that you hang out sometimes without sex but this still sounds like a booty call.

He either does not know what dating is, or he doesn't see you as a girlfriend or as a potential gf. He's 19. Maybe he doesn't actually even want to date.

Either way, things aren't looking very good but you can keep hanging out with him i guess. Even if it goes nowhere, the experience is good I think. Experience that you learn from is always a win.

December 1, 2018

Hi, I keep finding threads where women are describing my behavior and I didnt learn what it was till I was in my mid-40s. Your man probably has an avoidant attachment style. I was embarrassed to show affection in public and sometimes that fear reaches all the way inside to where we are afraid to accept our own desires because we are so petrified of rejection . Its terrifying because these feelings are wired by abandonment or abuse in infancy. Leave a baby crying hungry in a crib or abuse them if they make too much noise. They learn before they can talk to be quiet or avoid taking risks for self protection. It triggers the primitive reptilian brain in a fight or flight way which paralyzes our human logic center. This kind of fear makes us turn to jello on a dance floor or fail to defend ourselves in a fight. Training can fix it though!

Look into the attachment styles and talk to him about them. Don't try to approach this as a failure on his part especially while its happening, share the science with him and talk about how his fear makes you feel what he is afraid of, rejection. I didnt realize that my discomfort was interpreted by women as me not liking them, I was embarrassed to realize this after years of inadvertently rejecting people because my lizard brain was taking over. I was just embarrassed and afraid, I would have liked nothing more than to have swept a girl off her feet, but my fear made it a super human act well beyond my capacity.

Chances are, he doesn't know that his actions affect you and other women this way because the fear is a fight or flight, lizard brain level of fear. He thinks other people are also afraid like he is and that you would, of course, understand. Once he trains himself to get out of that lizard brain and into the mammalian brain he can start to see it and change it.

December 2, 2018

I have one thing to say.....men are not mind readers. Just suck it up hun, and just let him have it. Tell him everything.

If you think for one minute this will make him run, the let him run. That should tell you he wasn't into it that much from the start and you did just wasted your time. If he really cares, he will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You can't make changes with out taking a risk.

December 2, 2018

*note, please refrain from "don't waste your time," "leave him," or "there's better out there" type of responses. That's not what I'm looking for and I want to be patient with him and see if things improve because he does genuinely like me and I care a lot about him so he's worth waiting it out to me.

Well above is the best advice for you and you already know it. Tell him what you've told us here. Why haven't you already talked to him about this? Good luck.

December 2, 2018

I want to talk to him, I just don't want to sound needy. I wouldn't mind talking to him once a day either because I understand he's busy. But what bothers me the most is what triggered this post (aside from the issues with his friends from last night), when I haven't heard a single word from him all day but then see he's active on social media for extended periods of time, responding to other people. It bothers me that he can do that but can't just say a quick hey until it's 11 at night. It also triggers my insecurities and leaves my thoughts wondering, who is he talking to or who is he with. I've been cheated on in the past and I also have generalized anxiety so my thoughts always go to the worst possible places when someone doesn't match my efforts.

Tell him this! If you are needy own it because you aren't going to stop feeling that way. He may as well know this now.

December 2, 2018

You do need to talk to him, but no, you don't want to sound needy, so here's what I recommend. Do what he does. He won't like it. Hang out with your friends more, sometimes instead of him. Let HIM be the one to get worried and open the discussion. You can't be faulted for just following his lead and taking time for you and your friends.

December 3, 2018

You created a thread about the same guy a couple of weeks ago under a different username, right? If I remember correctly you are at the same university?

After three month you are seeing him almost everyday and want - more or less - constant contact through social media... That is a lot of contact early on. To me it sounds more like you are interested in, marking your territory - so to speak - more so than actually spend time with him and exploring the possibilities of a long term relationship, because, frankly, you are already spending a lot of time together compared to most (grown up) relationships after 3 month.

December 3, 2018

You created a thread about the same guy a couple of weeks ago under a different username, right? If I remember correctly you are at the same university?

Hmm, I thought this story sounded familiar.

OP, are you the same girl who wrote how this guy previously broke up with you and only recently came around again?

December 3, 2018

But you said right there it's nothing too serious. Wellit's nothing too serious to him either, so l dunno what the problem is.

He's not gonna be acting like your the love of his life and you probably aren't acting like that either.

Edited December 3, 2018 by chillii

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