distant when we aren't physically together

[hope18]

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months, nothing super serious but I'm starting to really feel for him. The thing is, when we hangout everything is great and he's super affectionate and everything. But otherwise he's pretty distant. I only really hear from him once or twice a day in a quick message or two, and it doesn't bother me too much because I know he's busy and I'm busy too. But what bothers me is knowing he's always on his phone when he's doing work or just hanging at his place. It also kind of bothers me when I only hear from him at the end of the day, but he'll mention the friends he hung out with during the day and I guess I just wish I was involved in that sometimes and not pushed off until the day is over.

 

Part of me feels like I'm being too needy, my ex was in constant contact 24 hours a day and was super affectionate, did anything to make time for me etc so I grew used to that. This guy has given me no reason not to trust him, but my thoughts always jump to worst-case scenario thinking "for all you know he could be with someone else all day before he comes to see you". I know this isn't true because he never has anything to hide from me especially when it comes to his phone, and he's not weird about us being seen together in public or anything, but that's where my thoughts jump.

 

He's quite inexperienced in the dating field (we're both 19) so I think I just need to be patient and go with the flow since we've only been loosely dating for two months, but I can't help the anxiety I get when he's on my mind all day but I hardly hear from him and don't really know what he's up to.

 

Should I talk to him about it? I'm not asking for 24/7 attention but it would be nice to just grab dinner together or even study together in the library. It just bugs me when I know he has time to see other friends and when I know he's on his phone but I haven't heard a word from him.

[smackie9]

He's inexperienced because he's used to being independent, happy being on his own, emotionally and physically.

 

 

 

You two have different dating styles/expectations. This has come up on some threads today...you shouldn't have to fix how someone should treat you, it's either they are compatible with you or not. He's not, because he doesn't treat you the way you expect to be treated...also if he was really into you he would be more keen to be in contact with you. You do what you think is right...me I have walked away from guys like this.

[hope18]

He's inexperienced because he's used to being independent, happy being on his own, emotionally and physically.

 

 

 

You two have different dating styles/expectations. This has come up on some threads today...you shouldn't have to fix how someone should treat you, it's either they are compatible with you or not. He's not, because he doesn't treat you the way you expect to be treated...also if he was really into you he would be more keen to be in contact with you. You do what you think is right...me I have walked away from guys like this.

 

The only reason I haven't left is because he does make me happy, and when we do hangout everything is perfect. I also know he's really busy, but again it bothers me when I find out he has time to get dinner with other people or is on his phone and I don't get much of anything throughout the day.

 

Right now I'm afraid of giving up on him if this is something that will improve with time or a simple conversation. I've jumped the gun on similar situations in the past and ended up regretting it, but I don't like the anxiety that comes with wondering where he is or who he's with or why I haven't heard from him all day. He's a great guy, I'm just the kind of girl who needs reassurance and to have equal effort. I know if I texted him first at any point in the day he would answer, but I don't want to end up being the only one starting conversations and seeming needy.

[carhill]

So, say you call him.... what happens?

 

Same with a text.... what?

 

How is his response to your communication?

 

Sounds like you're used to a guy chasing you. If so, this guy isn't apparently one of those guys, rather he enjoys time with you as well as time with others. Sounds pretty normal for young people just starting out as adults. You'll meet lots of men as time goes by. He's one of many. Same for him.

 

Tell me how the last date you asked him out on went.....

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the same guy who broke up with you just a few weeks back, right? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/668472-does-he-still-have-feelings-does-he-just-want-friends

 

I think you need to realize that you two don't want the same things from each other. As of a couple weeks ago, you weren't really even speaking to each other. Now, it appears you are kind of dating again but not really. The underlying issue isn't a communication difference; it's that he isn't invested the way you are.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This distance will only get worse over time seeing as it been only a short while since you started dating. I went through this type of situation a couple of times and those moments were just a waste of time. My bf and I are always texting and there is no distance whether we are together or not. I'm not counting the time we are working or doing other things. It doesn't matter whether a person is experienced or not, if they like you, there will be no distance. Do not give him excuses for the behavior or you will end up putting up w/a lot of crap. Take it from me, if he is being distant now, he will end up hurting you. If he is so cold towards you, date someone else and look for someone who will dote on you.

[MaleIntuition]

But it’s not really a question about how she is being treated though? It’s literally a question about frequency of texts. Unless of course there is something else going on; the opening post was a bit confusing when OP is simultaneously claiming that the relationship was mostly casual yet she expects more commitment without cummunicating expectations?

 

At the end of the day, text messages just creates artificial closeness. I really doubt that, always-texting-behaviour, is sustainable in the long run..?

[hope18]

So, say you call him.... what happens?

 

Same with a text.... what?

 

How is his response to your communication?

 

Sounds like you're used to a guy chasing you. If so, this guy isn't apparently one of those guys, rather he enjoys time with you as well as time with others. Sounds pretty normal for young people just starting out as adults. You'll meet lots of men as time goes by. He's one of many. Same for him.

 

Tell me how the last date you asked him out on went.....

 

If I text or call him first he'll always answer me. I just don't want to set an expectation for the relationship that I'm always the one to reach out. We have yet to go on an official date other than grabbing a quick coffee because we simply havent had time, we both have busy schedules and on the weekends we're exhausted and decide to stay in and watch a movie or see a game on campus. This weekend we are going to the movies though

[hope18]

But it’s not really a question about how she is being treated though? It’s literally a question about frequency of texts

 

Exactly. Like I said, when we are together in person he's great and I'm perfectly happy. I just would prefer to hear from him a little more throughout the day or at least know what he's up to, something that shows he's thinking of me otherwise my mind starts to wander. I truly do think it's because I'm his first girlfriend and he's not used to having someone else to "answer to" or update on his life. I just don't want to walk away if all it would take is a conversation but I'm also afraid of coming off as clingy so soon in the relationship and having him think I need 24/7 attention.

 

the opening post was a bit confusing when OP is simultaneously claiming that the relationship was mostly casual yet she expects more commitment without cummunicating expectations?

 

As far as the commitment, he's made it clear that we're exclusive and that he wants to be. We had that conversation last week which made me happy

[hope18]

The underlying issue isn't a communication difference; it's that he isn't invested the way you are.

 

That's what I start to become afraid of when I don't hear from him, but then he does things that prove the opposite, I think he's just more of an "actions speak louder than words" kind of guy. For example, I have some really bad family issues going on right now and Saturday night I was really upset and he could tell (the one time he was texting me lol) so he dropped his friends and came over and held me for 4 hours while I was crying until I fell asleep and he still stayed. He also makes little comments about the future like the other day he jokingly said "please don't get mad at me if at some point down the road you get a haircut and I don't notice, guys hardly ever notice." Just little things like that that show he sees me in at least the near future.

[RedHead5]

You are 2 months in, and you said you hear from him once or twice a day? He always checks in at night, usually lets you know what he was up to? Sounds normal to me honestly, unless you want to be in a super clingy suffocating relationship.

 

That being said, I struggle with anxiety in dating so I DO understand your dilemma. The two month mark was filled with anxiety for me. Same scenarios. But if you want a normal, healthy relationship, find ways to relax. Wait it out. Make plans with your friends.

 

Let things evolve naturally. I still have anxiety at four months but it is getting better. And our time spent together has probably doubled since two months but it is still like 3 nights versus 2. But we are together longer on those days now.

 

It can be a struggle. Like you, I have been with men who were up my ass 24/7 as well and although it removes all insecurity in the early stages, I ended up hating it later, when the honeymoon period wears off.

 

I tended to match his texting frequency. I would wait for him to reach out a day or two and then I would send some extra texts for a day or two. This would definitely translate into a day or two a week that there was little communication until the end of the day. And I would get a how was your day, sometimes right before bed.

 

Bottom line, if he is texting back fast and reaching out everyday, it is a good sign. He has a life and interests outside your relationship and you guys are still in the early stages.

 

Trust me, I know how hard it is and some days are better than others for me, but if you can be patient and let the connection grow slower it may end up being stronger.

[carhill]

This weekend we are going to the movies though

 

Cool, enjoy your date. Going to the movies is a date. Things will flow or they won't.

 

When you contact him he responds quickly. That's a good sign. Don't over-think it.

[MaleIntuition]

Exactly. Like I said, when we are together in person he's great and I'm perfectly happy. I just would prefer to hear from him a little more throughout the day or at least know what he's up to, something that shows he's thinking of me otherwise my mind starts to wander. I truly do think it's because I'm his first girlfriend and he's not used to having someone else to "answer to" or update on his life. I just don't want to walk away if all it would take is a conversation but I'm also afraid of coming off as clingy so soon in the relationship and having him think I need 24/7 attention.

 

As far as the commitment, he's made it clear that we're exclusive and that he wants to be. We had that conversation last week which made me happy

 

But you are asking for 24/7 attention - more or less. Furthermore you seem to think that constant texting is the norm in a relationship when in reality it’s not. The reason you want these text is ultimately based on a need for validation. Is he thinking about me? Doesn’t he like me? In a mature relationship based on mutual trust you shouldn’t feel that constant need. It’s simply not sustainable in the long run.

[hope18]

But you are asking for 24/7 attention - more or less. Furthermore you seem to think that constant texting is the norm in a relationship when in reality it’s not. The reason you want these text is ultimately based on a need for validation. Is he thinking about me? Doesn’t he like me? In a mature relationship based on mutual trust you shouldn’t feel that constant need. It’s simply not sustainable in the long run.

 

I wouldn't mind not hearing from him as much if I didn't know he had time to be talking to/hanging out with other people. I know how clingy that sounds but I get anxious when it comes to relationships because of past situations I've been involved in.

I definitely don't expect or want 24/7 attention, I have a busy life too. But I don't want to feel like something that's pushed off until the end of the day. Like I said I know if I were to text him first he would answer, and I don't mind doing that sometimes. But I don't want that to be set as the "norm", me always being the first one to reach out unless it's 10-11 at night.

[hope18]

You are 2 months in, and you said you hear from him once or twice a day? He always checks in at night, usually lets you know what he was up to? Sounds normal to me honestly, unless you want to be in a super clingy suffocating relationship.

 

That being said, I struggle with anxiety in dating so I DO understand your dilemma. The two month mark was filled with anxiety for me. Same scenarios. But if you want a normal, healthy relationship, find ways to relax. Wait it out. Make plans with your friends.

 

Let things evolve naturally. I still have anxiety at four months but it is getting better. And our time spent together has probably doubled since two months but it is still like 3 nights versus 2. But we are together longer on those days now.

 

It can be a struggle. Like you, I have been with men who were up my ass 24/7 as well and although it removes all insecurity in the early stages, I ended up hating it later, when the honeymoon period wears off.

 

I tended to match his texting frequency. I would wait for him to reach out a day or two and then I would send some extra texts for a day or two. This would definitely translate into a day or two a week that there was little communication until the end of the day. And I would get a how was your day, sometimes right before bed.

 

Bottom line, if he is texting back fast and reaching out everyday, it is a good sign. He has a life and interests outside your relationship and you guys are still in the early stages.

 

Trust me, I know how hard it is and some days are better than others for me, but if you can be patient and let the connection grow slower it may end up being stronger.

 

Thank you so much for this response, it's refreshing to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way. I definitely will give him more time because I am his first relationship and maybe this is like your situation- over time as the bond gets stronger the communication increases. I don't doubt that he has feelings for me, especially because when we're together everything is totally fine. It's just hard when I'm not hearing from him and my mind starts to wander.

 

I know a lot of this issue is my own overthinking and needing to readjust to a guy who isn't talking to me all day every day and seeing me every free second he has like my ex because that just isn't reality, especially in college. And it definitely isn't sustainable as a relationship progresses

[kendahke]

we've only been loosely dating for two months,

my ex was in constant contact 24 hours a day and was super affectionate, did anything to make time for me etc so I grew used to that.

 

You have to dismiss your expectations of the things your ex did with you and stop assigning them to the new guy. He's a completely different person.

 

Your new boyfriend isn't your ex and it's not fair to him for you to have him meeting the expectations your ex got you used to.

[hope18]

You have to dismiss your expectations of the things your ex did with you and stop assigning them to the new guy. He's a completely different person.

 

Your new boyfriend isn't your ex and it's not fair to him for you to have him meeting the expectations your ex got you used to.

 

I know, I just get really paranoid because that ex didn't ever leave me time to worry about "us". But before him was my first boyfriend was also very independent, but only to find out that when he wasn't talking to me he was cheating on me with another girl.

 

I know it's unfair of me to compare situations to this guy, because he is completely different and he has given me no real reason not to trust him. It's just something I'm always going to carry with me in my relationships and something that I need to work on -the fear of what he's doing or who he spends time with when I don't hear from him all day.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think you are also anxious because he has already broken up with you once before, just a few weeks ago.

 

No?

[hope18]

OP, I think you are also anxious because he has already broken up with you once before, just a few weeks ago.

 

No?

 

I technically broke things off with him, I told him if the issues we were having at the time couldn't be worked on then I couldn't be with him so it was a mutual thing. But then after a few weeks apart when we reunited he expressed that he wants to try and fix the things that were bothering me and so far he has been great about it. Right now the situation in this post is what's getting me anxious. Yes I'm afraid of losing him again, but he's made it clear he wants to be with me and I don't want my own neediness and paranoia to mess that up. I want to be able to relax without assuming the worst when I don't hear from him because it's not like he goes days without speaking to me.

 

For example I just ran into him in the food court he was getting lunch with friends and I couldn't help feeling a little sad that he doesn't really meet up with me for lunch or dinner anymore when in the first few weeks we started talking in August/September he would always want to

Edited November 12, 2018 by hope18

[ExpatInItaly]

Here is what you wrote on November 1st about your break-up:

 

"I told him one night that all I was asking is he be respectful to my friends and to communicate if something is bothering him that switches him into that cold and distant mood. He said immediately after that that he "didn't feel the same way" about me anymore and he lost feelings and felt like I was "setting too many rules"."

 

It's not just you being insecure about the frequency of his texting, OP. I am not convinced he's come back for the right reasons, but only time will tell. I would caution you not to get too attached, though.

[kendahke]

You must learn how to self-soothe before your anxiety wrecks your relationships--because only emotionally unhealthy men are attracted to emotionally unhealthy women.

 

That means if he doesn't text, then do something else to occupy your time. Turn off the phone and go do something else. Eventually, he's going to wonder where you are because you've given him enough time to miss you enough to seek you out. The way you're going about it, he never gets the chance to get to missing you because you won't let it get to that point. You pop up, so he can't miss you.

 

You are clinging to this new guy like a drowning person to a life raft and he sounds like he's trying to keep some distance so you don't drown him with your expectations. You might want to follow his lead and take a step back and see how long it takes for him to miss you.

[hope18]

You must learn how to self-soothe before your anxiety wrecks your relationships--because only emotionally unhealthy men are attracted to emotionally unhealthy women.

 

That means if he doesn't text, then do something else to occupy your time. Turn off the phone and go do something else. Eventually, he's going to wonder where you are because you've given him enough time to miss you enough to seek you out. The way you're going about it, he never gets the chance to get to missing you because you won't let it get to that point. You pop up, so he can't miss you.

 

You are clinging to this new guy like a drowning person to a life raft and he sounds like he's trying to keep some distance so you don't drown him with your expectations. You might want to follow his lead and take a step back and see how long it takes for him to miss you.

 

I guess I can try this.. It just bothers me when he only talks to me or sees me at the end of the day if I'm lucky, but then our mutual friends will mention how he asks them to get dinner all the time or go to campus events on the weekend. It's just some things that don't add up. I just feel like if he makes time for other people then why wouldn't he make time for me if he genuinely likes me? And I know this is very minor, but another thing making me uneasy is that he asked a few of our friends to add on facebook, but hasn't/won't accept my request and I know it's stupid because it's just facebook but he's okay with adding everyone else. There are just a lot of mixed signals and there's enough good between us that I don't want to walk away yet

[kendahke]

I guess I can try this..

 

It would be in your best interests to do it

 

It just bothers me when he only talks to me or sees me at the end of the day if I'm lucky, but then our mutual friends will mention how he asks them to get dinner all the time or go to campus events on the weekend. It's just some things that don't add up. I just feel like if he makes time for other people then why wouldn't he make time for me if he genuinely likes me?

 

Well, you pretty much glossed over this post by ExPat in Italy:

 

Here is what you wrote on November 1st about your break-up:

 

"I told him one night that all I was asking is he be respectful to my friends and to communicate if something is bothering him that switches him into that cold and distant mood. He said immediately after that that he "didn't feel the same way" about me anymore and he lost feelings and felt like I was "setting too many rules"."

 

It sounds to me as if he was dead serious back on 11/1 about how he feels about you and his behavior is buttressing this truth. It also appears that you're the one who's not seeing what is in front of you--and if he's making all this time for everyone else, who--to be fair--he's known waaaaaaaaay longer than he's known you, then please understand this fact of human nature: people will make time for what/who is important to them. If they make no time for you, you're not important enough for them to arse themselves. Yes, it does hurt to come to this truth, but come to it you must and the sooner the better--it'll help you to stop before you start developing devotion for someone who's not in that head space.

 

And I know this is very minor, but another thing making me uneasy is that he asked a few of our friends to add on facebook, but hasn't/won't accept my request and I know it's stupid because it's just facebook but he's okay with adding everyone else. There are just a lot of mixed signals and there's enough good between us that I don't want to walk away yet

 

Because he most likely knows that a whole bunch of mess he doesn't want to get into will result if he lets you in. You're already creeping and stalking his page. If he lets you in, then you may go in and mark territory with the people he's been making time for, so he's going to minimize that potential disaster as much as he can.

 

And I have to beg to differ: there is not enough good to get past the fact that you have been demoted and placed way down in his priority list---after 2 months of dating. You both should still be in a honeymoon, can't-get-enough-of-each-other phase, not him saying he's lost feelings for you---that's a bell that can't be unrung.

Edited November 12, 2018 by kendahke

[hope18]

The reasons we broke up were complicated and involved outside sources and when he re-approached me 3 weeks later he apologized for ever saying he lost feelings because it wasn't true, he just didn't think there was hope for a second chance so he wanted to move on and tell himself that he was over it. I take back the facebook thing- he accepted my request about an hour ago.

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote deleted

[Hopeful30]

Two things:

 

1. What does your gut tell you?

 

2. Is he aware you are bothered by this?