Berteau Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 I've been dating this girl for a few months who is apparently really into me. ALways texting, saying how she misses me, always wanting to see me, etc. Our texting chemistry is great, but 4 out of 5 times I am with her in person, she seems in a bad mood/annoyed/unhappy/like I shouldn't be there. Another kicker is she was separated from a marriage a year ago and filed for divorce 6 months ago, but the guy won't sign the papers etc, so they are still legally together. Apparently he was emotionally and verbally abusive to her. Which seems hard to believe because she seems like a strong woman. My questions are: 1. If I decide to end it, how honest should I be. Should I just stay I'm not feeling it or tell her her attitude is the main reason? 2. How possible is it she is just looking for a warm body and male attention and just using me? She said she is emotionally over it, but I'm not so sure. 3. Curious. What type of people do negative unhappy people usually date? 4. How possible is it for her separation and what she has gone through to be the cause of her attitude, and could it improve in time?
snowcones Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 I can relate. My ex was so sweet over text but in person was grumpy. My experience was that I had to point this out and then they make a decision on if they want to work on their attitude or not. Give them a chance to do that first, because sometimes, they don't know what they are doing. They are kind of self-absorbed and not really paying attention to or caring how their behavior effects others. 1
basil67 Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 1. If I decide to end it, how honest should I be. Should I just stay I'm not feeling it or tell her her attitude is the main reason? Being honest is probably best. But if you are honest, also be prepared that she will deny what you say about her. If you don't want to deal with her denials and perhaps anger, then just tell her you're not feeling it 2. How possible is it she is just looking for a warm body and male attention and just using me? She said she is emotionally over it, but I'm not so sure. It's possible. But if it is the case, it's highly likely it's not a conscious choice. 3. Curious. What type of people do negative unhappy people usually date? They probably date a lot of different types. But most of those dates will tire of their behaviour and leave. I suspect the only type who would stay is someone who is equally negative and unhappy 4. How possible is it for her separation and what she has gone through to be the cause of her attitude, and could it improve in time? This is a chicken and egg question. It's also likely that her attitude contributed to the end of the marriage and triggered some of their fights. As far as I understand, his abuse is only alleged. I've known some super calm people who will exhibit quite angry behaviour when they are with someone who does their head in. 1
smackie9 Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 She could be the one that was abusive in that marriage...you are only going by her word, and who's not to say she was responsible for the abuse...Abusers often accuse the spouse for their issues and all the things that went wrong. Bad attitude is a bad attitude....get out now.
Author Berteau Posted November 11, 2018 Author Posted November 11, 2018 I can relate. My ex was so sweet over text but in person was grumpy. My experience was that I had to point this out and then they make a decision on if they want to work on their attitude or not. Give them a chance to do that first, because sometimes, they don't know what they are doing. They are kind of self-absorbed and not really paying attention to or caring how their behavior effects others. So did his attitude improve after you said something? I get the feeling it might stem from unhappiness, and talking to her can’t make her happier.
Versacehottie Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 I've been dating this girl for a few months who is apparently really into me. ALways texting, saying how she misses me, always wanting to see me, etc. Our texting chemistry is great, but 4 out of 5 times I am with her in person, she seems in a bad mood/annoyed/unhappy/like I shouldn't be there. Another kicker is she was separated from a marriage a year ago and filed for divorce 6 months ago, but the guy won't sign the papers etc, so they are still legally together. Apparently he was emotionally and verbally abusive to her. Which seems hard to believe because she seems like a strong woman. My questions are: 1. If I decide to end it, how honest should I be. Should I just stay I'm not feeling it or tell her her attitude is the main reason? 2. How possible is it she is just looking for a warm body and male attention and just using me? She said she is emotionally over it, but I'm not so sure. 3. Curious. What type of people do negative unhappy people usually date? 4. How possible is it for her separation and what she has gone through to be the cause of her attitude, and could it improve in time? 1. I don't think you "owe" it to her to tell her why you are breaking up. It just gives the other person something they think they can try to fix with you--when you basically have enough info that it isn't going to work for you. If you were true friends in the future, then maybe then. But if she is a negative person, guessing she won't take the information well if you did tell her; it won't change the outcome in the long term of you wanting to be with her--you won't; and she will find ways not to change or will justify what she does based on being in the right therefore it's ok to be negative all the time. tell her you aren't feeling it/no long term potential for you guys. 2. VERY POSSIBLE. Actually this was my first thought. The fact that she is great over text shows that she is trying to create her ideal relationship or a substitute and/or generate a "hit" when she is bored (of attention, affection). While in person, she sucks or is disappointed in what the reality is, i.e. you guys might not be a good fit and she is just rebounding or looking for a substitute person. You deserve better than this. You deserve a person who would bring her best--especially at the beginning. 3. i think they date anyone who will put up with it. Keep your eyes open. Negativity is very draining, i.e. you yourself will pay by surrounding yourself with this type of person. 4. It's possible. However, it's not your problem or issue to solve. Like i said, you deserve a person who will bring her best. Otherwise, it's most likely she is using you as a crutch. i.e. not trying to impress you and not with a clean slate to build a relationship, just looking for someone to fill a hole in her life. If you can word your breakup to the extent that you would give her a chance when she is in a better place to date, you leave the door open for her to come back when she is truly ready to date and in a better place emotionally, if indeed that is the issue. I think there's a low percentage that this is the case but it doesn't hurt to leave the door open for her to bring her best to you if it IS the case. Good luck
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