Terrible communication skills

[confused83]

Im currently in a relationship with a woman whos in her late 20s. In person we are amazing, laugh, talk, plan the future, everything youd expect from a partner. She would never cheat so to me thats the furthest thought from my mind when i write this but the issue is.... when we are apart i know nothing about her days. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but for me it pushes me away to a point where i feel like breaking up. It makes my emotions go up and down as together im in a fantastic place but apart i feel drained.

 

She also said she hates to text so when we are apart we never talk about our day unless its a phone call late at nigbt where as im used to sending cute/funny texts throughout my day, or telling her about my day. For example she will go out & ill not have a clue shes even gone out. A day later a picture will appear on her facebook where shes with her friends some of which have travelled to see her. Now to me it feels really upsetting that she doesnt feel the need to kind of text or tell me about this. Not that i dont trust her but more that id love to hear about her day, to me it keeps the spark alive when we communicate. Im a bit shocked that her friend travelled to see her, she'll of been extremely happy to see her friend as shes said to me before how theyve not met for almost a year. So this suprise visit would of been lovely, yet 2 days later shes still never mentioned it to her boyfriend. Is it just me or is that extremely odd?.

 

To me im the type that if i go to a friends id text and say 'im just going to see so an so'. If a friend supris visited id of text my partner either there an then or later that evening or maybe even tomorrow, but at some point id of text my partner 'guess who turned up last night, was lovely to see them' etc. The fact that i learn about her life through Facebook seems to really throw me off. I have tried to tell her about this 2 or 3 times also and she just keeps sayig 'sorry i dont like texting'. Im at my end with it and feel it would be a huge shame to end a Relationship over this but its really annoying me that i dont hear from her. It comes across sometimes that she just doesnt want to tell me.

[basil67]

Confused, you have created quite a number of posts regarding her poor communication. It seems like you want us to agree with you that she should behave differently. However, she isn't going to behave differently, so the onus is on you to figure out whether you can accept this or not.

[elaine567]

Im a bit shocked that her friend travelled to see her, she'll of been extremely happy to see her friend as shes said to me before how theyve not met for almost a year. So this suprise visit would of been lovely, yet 2 days later shes still never mentioned it to her boyfriend. Is it just me or is that extremely odd?

.

 

Yes these is the "I don't like texting" issue, but you are not her priority, she feels no particular allegiance to you.

She does not want to share her life with you, she has you and her real life in separate boxes.

This is not a good situation for you and despite voicing your concerns to her, she fobs you off and nothing changes.

 

I doubt that these are poor communication skills in reality.

She manages to keep up good relationships with her friends but apparently not with you.

She is choosing to keep you out of the loop whilst she carries on with her life essentially without you.

Dating is about assessing compatibility, it may see like a trivial issue to break up over, but it isn't really is it?

[confused83]

.

 

Yes these is the "I don't like texting" issue, but you are not her priority, she feels no particular allegiance to you.

She does not want to share her life with you, she has you and her real life in separate boxes.

This is not a good situation for you and despite voicing your concerns to her, she fobs you off and nothing changes.

 

I doubt that these are poor communication skills in reality.

She manages to keep up good relationships with her friends but apparently not with you.

She is choosing to keep you out of the loop whilst she carries on with her life essentially without you.

Dating is about assessing compatibility, it may see like a trivial issue to break up over, but it isn't really is it?

 

 

What i dont understand is shes asked to move in with me. Why would she do this yet want to keep us and her life in seperare boxes?

[elaine567]

What i dont understand is shes asked to move in with me. Why would she do this yet want to keep us and her life in seperare boxes?

 

 

She needs somewhere to live?

She knows you will not curtail her other activities may be?

The relationship as is suits her fine...

Who knows really?

Speak to her.

Outline how you envisage the relationship going forward and if she still ignores your concerns, you know what to do.

 

DO NOT have her move in until you are satisfied the communication issues are sorted.

[Gretchen12]

How long have you been together? It sounds like it has always been this way, so why are you a couple if you have always been unhappy about this?

When I read your story it sounded a lot like mine. My ex was unhappy with me but there are always two sides to the story. I don't have terrible communication skills, and he was my top priority. I was certainly willing to try because in a relationship you always have to listen and compromise.

 

My side of the story? (bear in mind this may not be you) He has anxiety and depression. I guess he has what's called anxious attachment. He suffered neglect as a child and whenever we're apart he considered breaking up with me. This instability set the tone at the beginning of the relationship. Of course when we've had only two or three dates, I'm not going to give him a full report of my day.

 

But as things became more serious, it was this pattern of having great times when we are together, then problems start as soon as we are apart.

In my case, he has actually told me "this is not working", by that he meant "I'm breaking up with you". So I never felt secure or comfortable to share my life with him when we're apart because he was always unhappy with me when we're apart.

 

There was only one time when he was out of town and we texted great because he was actually happy and relax. I felt safe that time. I'm sensitive to people's moods so he didn't need to be obviously upset for me to react and clam up. When we get on the phone and I detect something in the tone of his voice, I no longer feel free to share.

 

Anyway, he broke up with me several times and I took him back, but not the last time. I got tired of being called a bad communicator when it was his parents who neglected him, not me. So I felt so relieved the last time he dumped me. Finally free.

 

The guy I'm with now I have no problems communicating. We are long distance so we miss each other but not anxiety, and most importantly, there's no blaming. Ironically I am sharing and communicating with my current guy that my ex had always wanted me to do. But I wouldn't say my ex was the problem. Certainly the constant criticism and threatening breakup created instability. I'd just say it was ill-fated love.

 

My advice to you is to just let her go so you can both find other people. Even if you could have been compatible, it's probably already damaged by now. Sometimes it's just bad luck.

[smackie9]

You two have different expectations...she likes her independence and free will. You like the closeness of sharing and caring in a relationship...incompatibility is a strong reason to end a relaitonship.

[confused83]

You two have different expectations...she likes her independence and free will. You like the closeness of sharing and caring in a relationship...incompatibility is a strong reason to end a relaitonship.

 

Do people really have those types of relationships where you are apart and not talkinh more than youre together? Maybe we are just incompatible then and ill have to take a long hard look at this.

[elaine567]

Why are you so certain she isn't cheating on you?

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you need someone who communicates with you a lot more frequently than this woman does. This is not a superficial issue--it's a huge issue.

 

She's either closed or distant ... and/or just isn't that into you. Whatever the case, sounds like this relationship isn't working for you.

 

I wouldn't call this a communications issue either. This sounds like something else.

[confused83]

I cant imagine shes cheating because how she is when we are together. She buys me things, shes always all over me, she has suggested we live together, she invites me to every event whetger its with her friends or family, the only issue is when we are apart she just refuses to text. Even if she does text she'll 1 word reply me to end the conversation.

 

To me, if She was cheating she'd not bother with me at all so i cant imagine its that at all. She never updates facebook or Snapchat etc so i know shes not a huge online girl but it does bother me a lot that we never talk when apart. I can tell shes trying because she will send me 1 midday to see hlw im doing, but i know its for my benefit as whatever my reply is, even if its a long one she'll usually reply 'love you' so it completly closes off any chance of me replying and keeping the conversation going. I just dont want to think shes cheating and actually dont think she would be that type.

 

To add onto this she has always been this way so i again dont think its a cheating factor it just seems she likes to be left alone when we are apart. I get on average 2 texts a day and that's usually 1 midday and 1 reply to a text ill send later. She will sometimes ring me as prefers to talk over phone but for me i love the closeness and conversations over text during the day.

Edited November 11, 2018 by confused83

[basil67]

What i dont understand is shes asked to move in with me. Why would she do this yet want to keep us and her life in seperare boxes?

 

What does she say when you ask her this question?

[Lotsgoingon]

Cheating didn't come to my mind.

 

I sense she's simply closed, distant, a bit socially clueless that she doesn't know it will be jarring to the person she's dating to not discuss what she's doing, then place photos on social media of her time out.

 

Sure, this is bad communication, but behind the lack of communication is some kind of deeper problem, coldness, distance, misunderstanding about intimate relationships. Heck platonic friends update other friends on what they're doing ... One way friends get close is they share their experiences with other friends. I tell a friend about X day and Y activity what happened that was fun. Friend listens, learns more about what makes me tick and what I'm interested in.

 

That sharing goes doubly for romantic relationships. So that's why I say something is off ... even cheaters would share what they do in between ... they would simply omit certain things and lie about other things. So cheating was not what came to my mind.

Edited November 11, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[confused83]

Cheating didn't come to my mind.

 

I sense she's simply closed, distant, a bit socially clueless that she doesn't know it will be jarring to the person she's dating to not discuss what she's doing, then place photos on social media of her time out.

 

Sure, this is bad communication, but behind the lack of communication is some kind of deeper problem, coldness, distance, misunderstanding about intimate relationships. Heck platonic friends update other friends on what they're doing ... One way friends get close is they share their experiences with other friends. I tell a friend about X day and Y activity what happened that was fun. Friend listens, learns more about what makes me tick and what I'm interested in.

 

That sharing goes doubly for romantic relationships. So that's why I say something is off ... even cheaters would share what they do in between ... they would simply omit certain things and lie about other things. So cheating was not what came to my mind.

 

Shes actually said before shes the same with her friends but theyve learned to expect it. I find it really weird that someone would actually choose not to talk to people. She says shes lazy with her phone but also shes not had a relationship for 5 years so not sure if thats a factor. She's forgot how to be in one.

[elaine567]

Cheating didn't come to my mind.

 

Mine neither until I read this.

My partner has gone on a mini holiday with her 2 best frienda and their partners. I couldnt go due to work.

 

I assumed we'd talk like we do when we are at home, shes alwaya got her phone on her and i just assumed we'd touch base. Shes been gone 3 days now and hasnt text me once. Its still in the UK so no coverage issues. Plus ive put a couple of photos on facebook which shes isntantly liked... which kind of shows me shes always on her phone but doesnt msg me. She also said before she went that it isnt a drinking holiday... So Tonight i text her 'would you like to ring me later id love to hear how its going, gutted i had work' she replied 'no its not the best idea as we are going out'

 

Am i completely wrong to be annoyed by this? She's with 2 other couples so surely theyd be asking about me? Surely id be on her mind at least once in a day when she is watching these other couples. Im worried now that somethings not right as if i was away id jump at the chance to call her when i got back to my room.

 

I trust her and dont assume anything seedy, im more concerned at her lack of missing me. Id be sending her photos of our days etc.

 

An update... i replied to her text and said ok thats fine... she replied 'ill talk to you when im home' which makes me even more worried. I dont know if this is insecurity as shes away or that im missing some huge red flag here.

Something is just not right here.

[confused83]

As an update we spoke last night, she apologisdd and said she is like that with everyone, she showed me a msg from her friend where she got annoyed that my partner didnt reply. Shd said she was going to reply later and just forgot.

 

Shes explained that she hates social media and isnt that bothered about a phone. I asked about her night 3 nights ago and she explained how she was going to save jt all to tell me in person. I know she never updates facebook etc so i believe shes just not bothered about connecting when apart. To me it is hard as that keeps the bond alive, if we go 3 or 4 days withoit seeing each other ive explained that i suddenly have nothing tl say to her when we meet as i kind of forget what we used to talk about, if that makes any sense? Its hard to keep an emotional connection going with someone whos not texting.

 

I dont want to break up as ive had a think and everything else is exactly how id want it, im just not sure how i get past this being apart distance thing, any advice at all? Becaise all ive heard is 'do your own thing' but that doesnt keep the spark alive for me. To me when i wake up and shes logged into the app but not said good morning i cant help taking it really negatively. Ive explained this to her also and nothing changes. She tried texting me last night but it now seems a bit forced like shes not that happy being lovey over text. Should i just ignore this fault and let it go seen as the rest is good?.

[basil67]

Of course nothing changes when you explain it: This is who she is. She's made it really clear that she hates text and social media. And to be honest, it makes no sense that you can't find things to talk about if you're not texting daily. If you haven't been in frequent contact, you should have more things to talk about, not less.

 

My best advice is to agree to talk on the phone on certain nights. And see her when you can.

[guest569]

Do people really have those types of relationships where you are apart and not talkinh more than youre together? Maybe we are just incompatible then and ill have to take a long hard look at this.

 

Yes. I saw my first bf once or twice a week, and very little texting in between. He set that pace and hated texting and talking and prefer face to face. Me, I think texts and calls are better than nothing. I understand where you're coming from in wanting to touch base more often.

 

From your posts I get the sense that you are having a hard time trusting her, especially when you don't hear from her for a while. Why? I think that is the issue, rather than saying she has "terrible communication skills". Why do you need her to tell you her whereabouts and for her to call you while she is out with friends?

[confused83]

Yes. I saw my first bf once or twice a week, and very little texting in between. He set that pace and hated texting and talking and prefer face to face. Me, I think texts and calls are better than nothing. I understand where you're coming from in wanting to touch base more often.

 

From your posts I get the sense that you are having a hard time trusting her, especially when you don't hear from her for a while. Why? I think that is the issue, rather than saying she has "terrible communication skills". Why do you need her to tell you her whereabouts and for her to call you while she is out with friends?

 

Its not really a trust thing with me, i think its more a routine i like and that feels secure. For example my ex would text everyday on her dinner break 1pm just about on the dot, if she suddenly didn't after 2 years of doing it i would of worried somethint was up, maybe thats just me being stupid. I do enjoy the little things like that though but On the other hand ny current partner will sometimes text about 11am, sometimes 6pm sometimes never at all. She has her dinner at 12 everyday yet 2 days ago i text her and sge disnt reply till gone 7. I think i like the routine of it all

[Logo]

I cant imagine shes cheating because how she is when we are together. She buys me things, shes always all over me, she has suggested we live together, she invites me to every event whetger its with her friends or family, the only issue is when we are apart she just refuses to text. Even if she does text she'll 1 word reply me to end the conversation.

 

To me, if She was cheating she'd not bother with me at all so i cant imagine its that at all. She never updates facebook or Snapchat etc so i know shes not a huge online girl but it does bother me a lot that we never talk when apart. I can tell shes trying because she will send me 1 midday to see hlw im doing, but i know its for my benefit as whatever my reply is, even if its a long one she'll usually reply 'love you' so it completly closes off any chance of me replying and keeping the conversation going. I just dont want to think shes cheating and actually dont think she would be that type.

 

To add onto this she has always been this way so i again dont think its a cheating factor it just seems she likes to be left alone when we are apart. I get on average 2 texts a day and that's usually 1 midday and 1 reply to a text ill send later. She will sometimes ring me as prefers to talk over phone but for me i love the closeness and conversations over text during the day.

 

 

 

I don’t know if she’s cheating or not. But everything you listed as an indication that she isn’t cheating doesn’t prove much. I’m speaking from experience.

 

 

The fact she’s not sharing her life with you is a red flag. She’s keeping you at a distance.

 

 

Even co-workers make small talk about their vacations and weekends. Your girlfriend is on another track. True or false, do you sometimes feel like you’re not in a romantic relationship with her because of her actions?

[Logo]

She's forgot how to be in one.

 

 

 

That explanation of hers is bs. Total and absolute bs.

[barneydin]

I cant imagine shes cheating because how she is when we are together. She buys me things, shes always all over me, she has suggested we live together, she invites me to every event whetger its with her friends or family, the only issue is when we are apart she just refuses to text. Even if she does text she'll 1 word reply me to end the conversation.

 

To me, if She was cheating she'd not bother with me at all so i cant imagine its that at all. She never updates facebook or Snapchat etc so i know shes not a huge online girl but it does bother me a lot that we never talk when apart. I can tell shes trying because she will send me 1 midday to see hlw im doing, but i know its for my benefit as whatever my reply is, even if its a long one she'll usually reply 'love you' so it completly closes off any chance of me replying and keeping the conversation going. I just dont want to think shes cheating and actually dont think she would be that type.

 

I don't know whether she cheats or not, but let me tell you this. I was a serious cheater back in the day, and this is EXACTLY how I acted. To a t. I would be the sweetest guy in person, talking about commitment, giving gifts, having genuine love towards my partners. But as soon as I was left alone: holidays, going out, parties, etc. I would disappear from the face of the earth.

 

I was looking for validation from anyone and anything, and texting doesn't cut it. Whether it was actual physical cheating, unfulfillable flirting with committed people (even if we went out as couples!), emotional cheating, or just plain looking around at what's there, the very prospect of being able to do that killed the need to contact my partner. And I used those excuses: I'm not a social media kind of person, my phone broke, I was busy. A person who posts pictures to FB is a social media kind of person. Phones don't break that often. And you are never that busy to not drop one text a day.

 

Man was I an *******, but if there's anything good that came out of it, it's for me to warn you: have eyes open wide like a mother****er!

Edited November 14, 2018 by barneydin

[elaine567]

I don't know whether she cheats or not, but let me tell you this. I was a serious cheater back in the day, and this is EXACTLY how I acted. To a t. I would be the sweetest guy in person, talking about commitment, giving gifts, having genuine love towards my partners. But as soon as I was left alone: holidays, going out, parties, etc. I would disappear from the face of the earth.

 

I was looking for validation from anyone and anything, and texting doesn't cut it. Whether it was actual physical cheating, unfulfillable flirting with committed people (even if we went out as couples!), emotional cheating, or just plain looking around at what's there, the very prospect of being able to do that killed the need to contact my partner. And I used those excuses: I'm not a social media kind of person, my phone broke, I was busy. A person who posts pictures to FB is a social media kind of person. Phones don't break that often. And you are never that busy to not drop one text a day.

 

Makes perfect sense, out of sight out of mind.

Also helps with any guilt you may feel and if there is zero contact, there is no chance of you slipping up either.

Completely free time to do what ever you feel like doing.

[elaine567]

OP.

Read this thread and watch the video.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/669179-you-tryin-handle-being-non-priority

[PRW]

What i dont understand is shes asked to move in with me. Why would she do this yet want to keep us and her life in seperare boxes?

 

She's fine.

 

Don't invent problems where there aren't any.

 

We are just nameless faceless people on the internet who know absolutely nothing about this woman beyond what you have written. We are not mind readers and the TRUTH is that we can't possibly know everything that she is thinking and what her view of you is like or not like.

 

She seems to be perfectly solid in my book and is secure and confident. She doesn't need to constant affirmation of contact while she is away busy with things that need to be done.

 

You on the other hand seem to be insecure and live in a state of fearfulness of "losing" her. You are the one that needs the ongoing affirmation that you haven't been forgotten about. You are the one with the problem here that needs to be dealt with. We can also question you to find out what you are thinking, but we can NOT do that with her. So you are the one here that should be the focus.

 

I can tell you that the insecurity and fear that you demonstrate will most certainly destroy any relationship you get in, and you can't blame anyone but yourself for that.