Insecurity in relationships

[Quorky]

I wanted to ask for your help in this: I am a 34-yr old woman, The thing I look for mostly when I consider starting a relationship with someone, is whether he persues me, whether he wants me a lot and shows it. Then I give it a go. I've never never managed to attract a guy who I am really into.

 

In my last relationship I was with a guy that treated me really well, was attentive, considerate and we had a good time together. On the other hand I could not trust him due to his past (divorced after a 5-yr affair with a 20-yr old woman) or think very highly of him. That kept me from falling for him, but we stayed together for 7 months.

 

The problem is that sometimes in this and other relationships, a small thing happens and then I feel like he doesn't really care all that much for me. Then I usually withdraw and get very emotional, sometimes I over-react. For instance, he says he loves to cuddle up w/me after lovemaking. Sometimes though he wants to leave and go sleep in his own bed. Another time, we were visiting a friend of his, we had separate single beds. The first time we were there we made love and cuddled up, or he would hold my hand til I fell asleep. 3 months later we visited again and it was like I wasn't in the same room with him, he went right to his bed. I felt really bad but didn't say anything, I thought what's the use, if he really wanted me he would be next to me...

 

I also rarely initiate the lovemaking. Maybe I'm afraid of rejection, but mostly that he'll make love to me just because I wanted him to (I'm the same way with everything, I rarely ask for things from others). I feel like, 'if he wanted me, he would come and hold me like he usually does...

 

My reactions frustrate me because they harm my relationships. Your help, please!

[bluechocolate]

The thing I look for mostly when I consider starting a relationship with someone, is whether he pursues me, whether he wants me a lot and shows it. Then I give it a go.

*

hmmm.....

*

I've never never managed to attract a guy who I am really into.

 

Given what you wrote above that is not the least bit surprising.

 

I felt really bad but didn't say anything, I thought what's the use, if he really wanted me he would be next to me...

 

Maybe he was thinking exactly the same thing.

 

I also rarely initiate the lovemaking.

 

Which must make your b/friends really feel loved & wanted.

 

The problem is that sometimes in this and other relationships, a small thing happens and then I feel like he doesn't really care all that much for me

 

I think you realise that this has more to do with your own insecurities than it does anything else. You're also displaying some classic passive-aggressive behaviour here:

 

I won't articulate how I feel or what I what & when he doesn't interpret my feelings correctly or magically read my mind to find out what I want I'll usually withdraw and get very emotional, sometimes I'll over-react.

 

like this here:

 

I feel like, 'if he wanted me, he would come and hold me like he usually does...

 

My bet is when you over-react the bloke has no idea what you're on about.

 

And this is bad news:

 

On the other hand I could not trust him due to his past (divorced after a 5-yr affair with a 20-yr old woman) or think very highly of him. That kept me from falling for him, but we stayed together for 7 months.

 

You want to be pursued, you want your partner to initiate love-making, yet you stay in a relationship with a guy whom you admit you can't trust or think very highly of.

 

I think some kind of therapy would be beneficial for you.

[Quorky]

"

The thing I look for mostly when I consider starting a relationship with someone, is whether he pursues me, whether he wants me a lot and shows it. Then I give it a go.

*

hmmm.....

*

I've never never managed to attract a guy who I am really into.

 

Given what you wrote above that is not the least bit surprising."

 

- Bluechocolate, I don't really see your point. Maybe you do. Can you explain it to me too?

 

 

"The problem is that sometimes in this and other relationships, a small thing happens and then I feel like he doesn't really care all that much for me

 

I think you realise that this has more to do with your own insecurities than it does anything else."

 

- I actually state that in my title: it IS about my insecurities and how to overcome them.

 

 

"My bet is when you over-react the bloke has no idea what you're on about."

 

- I know he doesn't have a clue, and I don't feel upset just so that he DOES understand OR because I want him to change anything. I like receiving what the other person has to give, not what I force out of them by telling them how to act. Would you appreciate a present from your lover if you've have just nagged it out of him/her? I am upset by the single fact that, from what I can tell, at that time whether I'm there or not doesn't make a bit of difference to my lover.

 

 

"And this is bad news:

 

On the other hand I could not trust him due to his past (divorced after a 5-yr affair with a 20-yr old woman) or think very highly of him. That kept me from falling for him, but we stayed together for 7 months.

 

You want to be pursued, you want your partner to initiate love-making, yet you stay in a relationship with a guy whom you admit you can't trust or think very highly of."

 

- Well, I actually broke up with him twice, and a month later he came back wanting us to try again, both times. It's over for good now. It was never easy for me to break a relationship, esp. when I was very happy in it. Not trusting someone doesn' mean much, it may just be due to my insecurity, right? I am not very sure what you mean by your last phrase, BC. Why do you think these two things are contradictory, not trusting and wanting to be persued in a relationship? Come to think of it, if I were crazy about him, I probably wouldn't be expressing negative feelings towards him by over-reacting. I would probably be very careful not to lose him and be a lot more accepting of his behaviour. But that doesn't justify my behaviour.

[JS17]

I am also very insecure in relationships due to past baggage where I was expected to be a mind reader and he was never straightforward with me about how he felt the relationship was going or the affair he was having. It has made me give too much weight and read into all of the small things too much. It makes me over-react emotionally to things as well.

 

I'm trying to figure out how to stop doing these things so I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I am a bit more forward and open than you seem to be but I still have the same problem. I won't stay in a relationship with someone I come to realize that I don't trust or think highly of but I think it's important to know that you're wanted, it's just the degree that seems to be the problem.

 

I don't really know how to be secure in a relationship and would welcome tips as well. I think things like this often :

The problem is that sometimes in this and other relationships, a small thing happens and then I feel like he doesn't really care all that much for me

 

I feel like, 'if he wanted me, he would come and hold me like he usually does...

[Outcast]

The problem is that sometimes in this and other relationships, a small thing happens and then I feel like he doesn't really care all that much for me. Then I usually withdraw and get very emotional, sometimes I over-react. For instance, he says he loves to cuddle up w/me after lovemaking. Sometimes though he wants to leave and go sleep in his own bed. Another time, we were visiting a friend of his, we had separate single beds. The first time we were there we made love and cuddled up, or he would hold my hand til I fell asleep. 3 months later we visited again and it was like I wasn't in the same room with him, he went right to his bed. I felt really bad but didn't say anything, I thought what's the use, if he really wanted me he would be next to me...

 

Ok. Picture this. You're with someone who has a bunch of 'rules' of how you are supposed to behave. If you don't behave according to those 'rules', this person then assumes that you don't love them. You are not allowed to know what these rules of behaviour are nor that they have major significance to that person. You are supposed to read that person's mind, figure out what that person is thinking, and then act perfectly in every circumstance, no matter how you personally may be feeling or whether you yourself are feeling unloved or unwanted.

 

This is the situation you have set up for the poor men in your life. Is this a fair way to act? Hardly. Throw out your Harlequin Romance attitude towards men and understand they are human beings just like you and need everything you need, including to know what the hell is going on in your head.

[JS17]

Ok. Picture this. You're with someone who has a bunch of 'rules' of how you are supposed to behave. If you don't behave according to those 'rules', this person then assumes that you don't love them. You are not allowed to know what these rules of behaviour are nor that they have major significance to that person. You are supposed to read that person's mind, figure out what that person is thinking, and then act perfectly in every circumstance, no matter how you personally may be feeling or whether you yourself are feeling unloved or unwanted.

 

This is the situation you have set up for the poor men in your life. Is this a fair way to act? Hardly. Throw out your Harlequin Romance attitude towards men and understand they are human beings just like you and need everything you need, including to know what the hell is going on in your head.

 

I think she gets this, that's why she's posting. She wants to know what she can do to be more secure in her relationships and not put these unfair mind-reading "rules" on her bf.

[Quorky]

I am not blaming anyone else but myself for these feelings. I've read books on the subject of emotions and they state quite categorically that emotions are frequently unrealistic and irrational. That man is not made for happiness but for survival, and that the need to remove emotional hurts (or the fear of being hurt) from our lives can be so primary that such strong feelings over-ride reason and close our mind to other view points.

 

I am NOT saying it is fair for the other person. The only way to stop this behaviour may be to just say what's in my mind right away. Without fearing that I may sound like a whining b... I've pushed myself into doing this in the past, in a very nice, sweet way. The problem is that this guy would usually make fun of (or blame me for) my feelings, deny even his own words or wriggle out of any 'unpleasant' situation. And that's not fair for me!

 

I don't think I have a set of rules. What I am watching out for, unconsciously, are the automatic reactions of my partner. I think that they can tell me better than any 'sweet talk' what's really going on in his mind and heart. I feel that the examples I mentioned before can tell me whether he's with me because he loves me or just for sex. Maybe I'm just being negative here, suspecting him. But the moment he would say after sex, 'now I better go home' I would remind him that I have asked him not to come over if it's just for sex, that this hurts me. Then he'll say 'ok, then I'll stay'. Do you think Outcast, that at that point, he's actually making things better for me by staying? Against his will? That I am actually sleeping next to a man who's doing me a favor by staying?

[Outcast]

I don't think I have a set of rules. What I am watching out for, unconsciously, are the automatic reactions of my partner.

 

However you imbue them with meaning which may not exist. A lot of women are insulted that their lovers roll over and go to sleep shortly after orgasm. This isn't neglect, but a biological event. There's plenty of literature explaining how and why it happens, but rather than believe the science, the women choose to feel offended and believe it is a slight.

 

Humans have brains. That's what you use - NOT to make assumptions but rather to seek truth and information.

 

I feel that the examples I mentioned before can tell me whether he's with me because he loves me or just for sex.

 

And I think you're wrong in that. You judge his behaviour by your own. You look at what he does and say 'if I did that, it would mean X and therefore if he does it, it means X' but he has not got the same brain as you and so the things he does have different meanings to him than they would if you did them.

 

And you focus on you, yourself, and you and what you want and need.

 

3 months later we visited again and it was like I wasn't in the same room with him, he went right to his bed. I felt really bad but didn't say anything, I thought what's the use, if he really wanted me he would be next to me...

 

Or maybe he was exhausted and read your stand-offishness as not wanting HIM. Do you get that men want to be wanted too? That it's unfair to put the burden of acceptance and desire on them and show none of your own?

 

I also rarely initiate the lovemaking. Maybe I'm afraid of rejection, but mostly that he'll make love to me just because I wanted him to (I'm the same way with everything, I rarely ask for things from others). I feel like, 'if he wanted me, he would come and hold me like he usually does...

 

And he's thinking 'If she wanted me, she'd initiate sex sometimes. I always do it - it makes me think she only does it to make me happy'.

 

Do you think Outcast, that at that point, he's actually making things better for me by staying? Against his will?

 

There you go assuming again. How do you know he's not thinking 'maybe if I say I'm going she'll show she loves me by asking me to stay'. Besides, constantly accusing someone of just wanting you for sex is insulting if it's not the case.

 

Look. What you do is put yourself in his place. You say to yourself 'how would I feel if I were him and he me; if he never showed he wanted me; if he never let me know how he was feeling; if he always suspected me of having no better motives than just to use him'. You'd be on LS bawling your eyes out, I wager.

 

That I am actually sleeping next to a man who's doing me a favor by staying?

 

I said this before but I saw no sign that you got it. MEN ARE PEOPLE TOO. They have feelings and needs too. Read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. John Gray spilled the beans about men. You need to read it and stop acting like a kicked dog around him all the time.

[JS17]

Outcast - I usually agree with you on a lot of things and I think you're one of the few men on this board that actually gets a lot of concepts that others seem to miss. On this thread, not only are you being very harsh, but many of your statements seem contradictory.

 

You say often to put yourself in his shoes

Look. What you do is put yourself in his place. You say to yourself 'how would I feel if I were him and he me; if he never showed he wanted me; if he never let me know how he was feeling; if he always suspected me of having no better motives than just to use him'

but you also say that the woman does not think the same way as the man

You judge his behaviour by your own. You look at what he does and say 'if I did that, it would mean X and therefore if he does it, it means X' but he has not got the same brain as you and so the things he does have different meanings to him than they would if you did them.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say in this regard.

 

Quorky - here in lies a big part of your problem

The only way to stop this behaviour may be to just say what's in my mind right away. Without fearing that I may sound like a whining b... I've pushed myself into doing this in the past, in a very nice, sweet way. The problem is that this guy would usually make fun of (or blame me for) my feelings, deny even his own words or wriggle out of any 'unpleasant' situation. And that's not fair for me!

Trust me, I've been there. Heck, I'm still there. When you are in a relationship with someone who punishes you for expressing your feelings you take that with you. It becomes a natural response to hold back because you've been trained to think that if you express yourself you're going to get bitten.

 

Honestly, I don't know the answer to any of this. To me this is the hardest part of a relationship and the reason none of mine work. I never know what the motives are because I've been fooled in the past. I can't express myself properly now because I've been yelled at when I tried to express myself in the past. I wish I understood how to tell what a man's motive is and I'm starting to think that for me and maybe for you as well, you need to wait longer for sex. I generally wait for what I think is a long time but maybe it's not enough for me. It complicates things, it makes you wonder if they're just using you and that's usually the issue around which it becomes most difficult to express yourself. I think this is only part of the answer and it will only get you so far. We need to learn to be secure within ourselves and keep attachment at bay for as long as we possibly can.

[Outcast]

but you also say that the woman does not think the same way as the man

 

You are comparing two different concepts in error.

 

1. All humans want to be wanted and needed, including men

 

2. That you happen to interpret a particular action to mean something does not mean that ANY OTHER HUMAN, MALE OR FEMALE, will put the same interpretation on that action. I already gave an example. There are millions. This does not negate the fact that all humans have similar needs.

 

Concept one is about feelings; concept two is about thoughts. If you still don't get it, perhaps someone can explain the distinction. The two are not the same.

[JS17]

Thank you for that kind and eloquent explanation Outcast

[alphamale]

I've never never managed to attract a guy who I am really into.

Hmmm...I wonder why QUORKY. My experience with females has shown that they are the ones who choose which man they want to be with, either directly and indirectly.

 

It is also my experience that its a myth that men do the chasing, I'm more of the opinion that when a woman sees a dude she's really into that she will chase him.

 

Maybe you need to be more assertive and chase the man you want instead of sitting back passively and let your life pass you by.

 

good day

alpha

[Dean3922]

Quorky,

You say if he really wanted me he would be next to me. I understand your need to feel wanted but he has needs also. How about him wanting to feel like you want him? I bet you do this with everything in your life.

Don't you have opinions and desires? Do you not want to express them? Men like a women who expresses their feelings, desires, dreams, etc. Try being more aggressive and thinking about your for a change. There is nothing wrong in having your needs met, the thing is we need to know what those needs are. You need to put yourself out there a little bit to get back what you want. Don't be afraid to take a chance.

[Sadlygone]

Dean,

 

No she does not have opinion and desires because she is my like my EX. She is too insecure to voice what she wants and her opinion because she wants her SO to feel that she always agrees with him. She wants to feel that she is not beeing needy and that he should see how great she is for wanting to do whatever he wants. She likes to give hints but thinks that the man should be able to read her mind and know what it is that she wants. She thinks that if he does not ask all the time then he does not care. What usually ends up happening is that he will always have to make the decisions because when he does ask, her response is I dont know or whatever you want. This is why there needs to be comminication. She puts herself up as someone who is the giver and that the blame falls on the man. Don't assume that he knows what is going on.

 

Ourky

I hope that you seriously reconsider what you are going to do. Please talk to your man before you put him through the trauma of a breakup. Learn to be less passive and challenge your mate. A relationship consists of two and both sides must be on the same level. It is then that the the playing field is level and you can consider ending the relationship.

 

I wish you luck because as you are set in your ways, you are going to find it difficult to maintain a steady relationship. You will always be frustrated and will give up quickly so that you can find the next person hoping he will know how to be the man you need.

 

Listen to what others have to say. Don't fall on assumptions. You know what Assume means. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.

 

Best wishes

[Outcast]

Thank you for that kind and eloquent explanation Outcast

 

Sorry for not covering it all in fluffy flowery language. I'm trying to be brief and to the point and, as I said, if it's not clear, somebody else will have to take a stab at explaining it because I am obviously failing.

 

Not all of your feelings are valid. That's the point. You may 'feel' or 'think' that he doesn't care but that is only the contents of your brain. What you think may not at all reflect reality. Until you grasp that, you end up blaming other people for feeling how they don't feel. And that's what deserves the

[fundamental]

Everyone's opinions seem to be valid and I agree with a lot of what each of you have said.

 

Ourky:

If you ever want to feel secure, you will have to communicate your feelings...you have no choice. If you can say what you want and need out of the relationship and the guy is understanding and actually listens to your concerns, then you will begin to feel more secure. If you feel that you cannot speak your mind about your needs and wants, or if the guy dismisses your feelings, laughs, gets upset, closes off, then he is not the guy for you. Think about it. If you are with someone that does not care to hear about your thoughts at some point in the relationship, do you believe that he will change?

 

The problem you are dealing with is that you are afraid to speak your mind ...probably due to past relationships. Based on some of the replies you know that men can have doubt as well. So, if the both of you avoid sharing your opinions, then you both start to make assumptions.

 

I have dated a couple of women that were afraid to communicate their feelings to me. I am sure that both women actually believed that they were showing me that they cared, but neither of them ever explained their feelings. I also believe that each one became frustrated with me…probably because they perceived me to be a pretty intelligent and attentive man but some how could not read their mind. Intelligent and attentive, I am. A mind reader, I am not. However, if I am in a meaningful relationship with someone, I have to voice my concerns…not in every case but for the most part I do. I don't want the woman I am with to have to try and read my mind in every situation.

 

As long as you are afraid to say what you want, you won't ever feel secure and have the relationship you want.

[Sadlygone]

Outcast

 

You are right on brada. I swear that this is my EX. Although just a few details have changed, everything else is accurately script.

 

Ourky,

 

Trust me it is not plain and simple. Yes, I have heard exactly what you mention about logic and reason. However, this kind of thinking is two dimentional and has no depth. You need to add the element of what your heart feels. A religous person uses his faith (which comes from the heart) to keep is belief strong in whatever it is. There is no logic to having faith in something that is intangible. But people still have faith. You have to know when you need to separate your emotions from logic.

 

Here is a story:

 

A house that has been considered condemned is ablaze and one can hear that the structure is beginning to fall into pieces. Although there is a large crowd watching and waiting for the fire department. A man hears some people yelling from inside. The house is known to be presently used by the Drug Dealer. Reasoning would tell us that it is probable that the house will soon collapse and that the chance of survival is very little. In addition, saving the house is illogical. There is no value to save the house. Therefore, It would not be logical to try to go in the house and help. However, the man feels compelled by the nature of his feelings and goes into the house to save someone. He uses his logic to the point that he needs to but then uses his feelings, and in doing so, risks his life. If he saves the person, he is a hero. If not, then he was foolish. But we are not going into ifs.

 

You talk of the use of reason. We are trying to give you information. Take it is as you want but dont tell us that we are wrong when you are coming to us for help.

[JS17]

If you ever want to feel secure, you will have to communicate your feelings...you have no choice. If you can say what you want and need out of the relationship and the guy is understanding and actually listens to your concerns, then you will begin to feel more secure. If you feel that you cannot speak your mind about your needs and wants, or if the guy dismisses your feelings, laughs, gets upset, closes off, then he is not the guy for you. Think about it. If you are with someone that does not care to hear about your thoughts at some point in the relationship, do you believe that he will change?

As long as you are afraid to say what you want, you won't ever feel secure and have the relationship you want.

 

Simple and insightful. Thanks for your input Fundamental.

[mutton]

Hey,

 

I've been where you are and its practically taken me 2+ years to really start leaving behind my own insecurities (about the part where I think "oh he doesn't care). I used to be the same way with my guy. For example, he used to pick me up and we'd go home together everyday after work. One day, he tells me that he has to go home early and in response I'd feel as if he doesn't care. The key to my acceptance and to banishing those insecurities was to start acknowledging that men have their own needs as well. In your case Quorky, it's not just the problem of communicating your needs, it's also up to you to start building a better understanding of your own boyfriends' feelings as well. Perhaps sometimes he's just too tired to make love to you or just wants to sleep in his own bed. In a lot of cases, men need space. And unfortunately, there are some women out there that can never understand or feel the same way and that leads them to think that he doesnt care.

 

The truth is that 80 percent of the time men do care. In fact, it may even really bother them if you accuse them of not caring. You have to understand that men are not dogs. They aren't there to provide you with emotional comfort all the time. And I'm sure that many of them do find it draining to be "caring" all the time. Sometimes, they may just want to lay back and be cared for.

[FataMorgana]

If you ever want to feel secure, you will have to communicate your feelings...you have no choice. If you can say what you want and need out of the relationship and the guy is understanding and actually listens to your concerns, then you will begin to feel more secure. If you feel that you cannot speak your mind about your needs and wants, or if the guy dismisses your feelings, laughs, gets upset, closes off, then he is not the guy for you. Think about it. If you are with someone that does not care to hear about your thoughts at some point in the relationship, do you believe that he will change?

 

As long as you are afraid to say what you want, you won't ever feel secure and have the relationship you want.

 

great post fundamental,

 

very insightful and really well explained, so much truth and good advice in it. And it works both ways, guys can sometimes feel put down and not lisened to and afraid to talk as well.

[Quorky]

for your input in this. I have to say I would have preferred that some of the people who posted would understand that I am NOT their exes, and also that a relationship that has gone bad takes two people, not one. It's funny that these people blame the other person for what happened. I think it's best for all of us to try to see our own fault in a relationship and not put all the blame on the other side. As JS17 and someone else said, if you think you can't communicate with your partner then you have to leave. And that's what I actually did, a month ago.

 

Thanks mutton for your insights. Yes, men do need space. I actually needed a LOT more space than he did. I wanted quality, not quantity. He wanted quantity, but it was too early on in the relationship for me to get into any sort of routine with him, like the one you describe. But oh yes, he was cared for alright, he was very happy in the relationship, he's the one who wouldn't let me go. I just need that little spark from my man to get me going!

 

Sadlygone, I'm not your ex, sorry. No, she doesn't sound at all like me. I have no problem voicing my needs. There are many types of insecurity, mine is about being loved. Believe me, NOTHING to do with the insecurity of not knowing what you want or being unable to lead your own life.

[Sadlygone]

Quorky. I knew it was you pumpkin. hahaha.

 

Here we are with your statement with my comments

 

I wanted to ask for your help in this: I am a 34-yr old woman

You definitely don't know how to lead your life because at 34, you still have not learned how to be in a relationship and you continue to be set in your ways.

 

, The thing I look for mostly when I consider starting a relationship with someone, is whether he persues me, whether he wants me a lot and shows it. You are incapable of leading your life because you are waiting for someone to pursue you. You consider a man based on what he does at the beginning of the courtship. You should know by now that most men will do this in the beginning of a relationship. Most men know this, its just some out there who are fools. You obviously have not led love life, because that is why you are here. LOL

 

 

Then I give it a go. I've never never managed to attract a guy who I am really into.You aren't really into him; ergo, you never gave him a chance in the first place. You lower your standard; therefore, you don't know what you want. A person who knows what he or she wants wouldn't start a relationship with someone whom they are not into unless other reasons

 

In my last relationship I was with a guy that treated me really well, was attentive, considerate and we had a good time together. On the other hand I could not trust him due to his past (divorced after a 5-yr affair with a 20-yr old woman) or think very highly of him. That kept me from falling for him, but we stayed together for 7 months. You wouldn't date someone for 7 months that you couldnt trust unless you have insecurities or you are using him or dont know what you want so you settle

 

The problem is that sometimes in this and other relationships, a small thing happens and then I feel like he doesn't really care all that much for me. Then I usually withdraw and get very emotional, sometimes I over-react. For instance, he says he loves to cuddle up w/me after lovemaking. Sometimes though he wants to leave and go sleep in his own bed. Whether he stays or goes home depends on the situation. You dont voice your needs because you dont explicitly tell him that is a condition of making love. Another time, we were visiting a friend of his, we had separate single beds. The first time we were there we made love and cuddled up, or he would hold my hand til I fell asleep. 3 months later we visited again and it was like I wasn't in the same room with him, he went right to his bed. I felt really bad but didn't say anything, I thought what's the use, if he really wanted me he would be next to me...You assumed he wanted be in bed with you because he did it the first time. Hence, you did not voice your needs to him prior to going to bed. Maybe a little intimacy would provide some food for the fodder. It is obvious that this guy has some thing about sleeping in separate beds, so you should have voiced it.

 

I also rarely initiate the lovemaking. Maybe I'm afraid of rejection, but mostly that he'll make love to me just because I wanted him to (I'm the same way with everything, I rarely ask for things from others). I feel like, 'if he wanted me, he would come and hold me like he usually does... A person's libido varies from time to time depending on circumstances. Maybe you should show some affection then he would know. You dont have to be vocal to voice what you want sometimes

 

You are incapable of leading a normal healthy relationship proven by your actions. You say that you do not have a problem voicing your needs. But you obviously have difficulting in communicating with your partners and you admit it. This is a complete contradiction in which you state that you have no problems voicing your needs. Communication involves voicing your needs

 

You base things on what you read in books because you dont know how to lead your own life. You have not learned anything from past experiences. People who learn will know how to lead their life because they will not make the same mistake. You have not learned and will continue to believe what you believe. You are unable to stay in long and committed relationship. This shows that you don't know how to lead a life. You have not conveyed to me anywhere that you learn from your experiences. You really need help. I pray that you find a loving relationship one day. However, from my assessment, I see this time will not come soon. It is futile to reason with you because you are unable to take criticism

[Sadlygone]

And also, you are right about not being my ex because she knows that she was loved.

[enan]

So apparently, if the guy was the one that didnt want to let you go, it obviously shows that he cared more for you than you for him. In this case, if you were able to communicate your needs to him, he may have actually changed for you. Its completely unreasonable to expect anyone to do the things that you want especially if they have no idea at all what it is. People are not mind readers and it appears that your love is completely conditional. You say its the small things that come up that bother you and causes you to be lead into the conclusion that only if they cared enough they would do etc. Why take these many small things and blow them up? Not only are your expectations too high but I get a sense that you're too prideful to admit your faults as well. If you continually place yourself and your relationship values (from your "oh yes, he was very well cared for")on a pedestal, its no wonder that no man has been good enough for you in the last twenty years. In your case, your relationship problems are obviously you and not your 1+ boyfriends (especially since you're so consistent). Instead of concentrating on what they are not doing for you, think about the things that they are doing.

 

I've known too many people like you (with similar problems) in my life. One being my mother and others who were friends. Trust me, none of them were happy people and those said friends are still single. I agree with Sadlygone. If you're a thirty-four yr old woman who still has problems maintaining relationships, take a hard long look at yourself and grow up. You cant expect any one relationship to be great without proper communication and work. Perhaps what you really need is a therapist.