How do get over my fear and lack of self esteem to end a dependent relationship?

[girlygo]

I have been in a relationship for 18 years, the last 8 have been spent living apart. It is a co-dependent relationship which I am not happy in as I'm no longer attracted to my partner and we have not had sex for nearly 2 years. I feel guilt and fear at the thought of ending the relationship and so it just carries on.

 

I have felt like this for a few years but part of me is scared to end it and the other part is guilty as my partner moved to my town to be near me 10 years ago but never made any friends here, even though he had a number where he used to live. He also had problems with severe depression and spends hours viewing and commenting on Youtube everyday as he doesn't work. The weekends are spent just with him and we don't go out or do anything. Again when he's at mine he spends alot of time watching Youtube while I sit next to him watching TV and maybe he comments on it or about what's on TV.

 

I think I'm depressed myself after years of really adapting my behaviour sometimes as if we disagree he will never apologise or will get in a sulk or shout/argue rather than have an adult conversation. In the past he has been emotionally abusive and I have had trust issues myself as he has lied to me a number of times, often small but sometimes bigger, even though mostly he has never admitted to it. I've also put on alot of weight over the last 6 months from comfort eating, stressing over work and on how unhappy I am in the relationship.

 

Every time I've got into fitness, lost weight, tried taking up hobbies and trying to see friends it works for a while but then I lose all motivation and slip back into having no life or confidence again. My partner and I are friends and I love him to a point but am not in love with him. I also know he'd find it hard as even when I went on holiday for 2 weeks with friends in an attempt to distance myself for a bit he got tearful when I was leaving. We both text each other throughout the day and I phone him a number of times a day to check in with each other so we're used to this pattern but the relationship isn't really growing and he's pretty much a substitute for everything else in my life. I am seeing a therapist but at the moment it feels as though all the talking and discussing is not making me feel worse and more guilty as I think about the relationship even more, and my partner is becoming more suspicious as he senses me behaving differently towards him because of it (he doesn't know I'm having therapy) and has become more clingy e.g. sending lots of 'love you lots' and 'love you loads' texts more than usual.

 

My self esteem is low and I don't have any friends now, having withdrawn from them . I'm also estranged from my mum and brother. How do I end the relationship knowing that I will be completely alone and probably feel unable to cope?

[d0nnivain]

Therapy. Plus if you don't live together & haven't had sex in 2 years, this is a relationship in name only. Just say the words it's over.

[GinON]

Detach.

You are enabling his behavior.

Do you want to be like this in 5, 10 years?

At some point it will change because one of you will leave or both of you have to change.

 

Make your move, it will be hard, it will take time, it will be worth it.

[Highndry]

If you haven't had sex in 2 years it's safe to say he feels the same way. What exactly are you two doing? That's the million dollar question. Relationships take work and it sounds like neither of you put any in, and have let yourselves go to heck as well.

 

I think in situations like this, therapy and a plan for both of you is in order. I don't know anyone who could be happy sitting around the house, getting fat and watching tv. Ugggh.

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator