Why does pain from a break-up s*ck SO BAD

[jess060191]

This honestly S*CKS! I never want to go through this pain again. It has been a LONG time since I have been dumped/rejected by a man. And boy, am I hurting. I hate feeling this way. I’m that chick who is always smiling and laughing, I don’t even feel like myself…. Long story short, I got dumped by on and off boyfriend 2 weeks ago for GOOD, though it was short-term… I really, really, fell for this guy. I was infatuated with him (still am to be honest).

 

I’ve done everything I think I was supposed to do, blocked him off all social media, deleted his phone number, and deleted everything that reminds me of him. BUT it HURTS, I cry almost every day, I think about him CONSTANTLY, the thought of him being with someone else literally feels like I am getting punch in the guts. This really just s*cks I know I keep saying that but ughhhh I am almost mad at myself that I am going through this.

 

I do have friends and family that I can turn to but it feels good to write this out. How long am I going to be in pain? I just want to wake up and not have this awful pit feeling anymore. Will it ever go away?

[Garcon1986]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, and you know what, this was me in early 2018. I lost an ex-gf who was very dear to me. How long it will hurt is unique to everyone, but I can only say, hold on to Loveshack, post, get the feelings off the chest, and hold on to your friends and family. This is as bad as somebody in the family dying. Here's a translation to a New Zealand haka (ceremonial dance and song) whose words I think are very powerful and relevant to this situation:

 

Leader: (What is right is always right!)

Everyone: (In - deed! )

Leader: (What is right is always right!)

Everyone: (Ah... yes! )

(Be true to yourself, my son!)

(My concerns have been raised about you, so pay attention!....)

(What is this problem you are carrying?)

(How long have you been carrying it for?)

(Have you got that? Right, let's go on.)

(So son, although it may be difficult for you )

(and son, although it seems to be unyielding )

(no matter how long you reflect on it )

(the answer to the problem )

(is here inside you.)

(Indeed! Indeed! Indeed! Yes, indeed!)

 

Hang on! Do something that heals you every day.

[Nilfiry]

it usually does go away with time--long or short depends on the person. It helps to keep yourself occupied because all it takes is a few idle moments for one's thoughts to run wild and think about everything.

 

It is a matter of mind over emotion. Thoughts beget emotions and emotions drive more thoughts, but not many people can or even know how to reign in their thoughts, especially with something like this. Ultimately, you are just going to have to endure it for a while. Think of it as withdrawal symptoms. Alas, this is merely one of the risks of modern relationships, but time flies. You will have moved on before you know it. GIve yourself more time.

[changingmale]

Sorry you are going through this jess060191 it is very hard and does stink. I have been separated since July and it is still hard

[GinON]

I think it has to do with attachment anxiety and how our love attachments are built with the same kind of connections we have with our parents. We expect unconditional love which, hopefully, our parents gave us and we survived childhood. When that expectation, based on parallel emotional structures is broken, it suddenly feels like a parent has died. Our bodies respond with the same deep anxiety we would feel as infants who were abandoned and left to die.

I got this from listening to Craig Kenneth on youtube, listening to him and Margaret are quite helpful to me dealing with separation pain.

[MrsXXX]

Breaking up is horrid. It’s like a bereavement in many ways. I’ve been through a divorce and am facing heart break again right now. My sweet teenage daughter just got dumped so I’m trying to be an example of what a strong healthy woman should be! All I keep telling my daughter (and myself) is that this feeling will pass. I’ve learned to live with the pain of losing a parent and losing a bf isn’t as bsd! It’s crap though and I’m sending you love xxx

[Lotsgoingon]

The pain will ease over time.

 

I think we experience such pain and despair because when we get dumped by definition our warning systems, relationship radars, weren't working. We think things are going OK. We get dumped.

 

The pain comes because you realize (or struggle to come out of denial to realize) that we got things wrong, we read the world all wrong--we misinterpreted how happy our ex was. Which is a major blow for our confidence and ego--it's one thing to go for something and not get it. It's another thing to think that a relationship is working--only to find the other person totally disagrees.

 

There's also a powerlessness involved. It's not like an intellectual decision or business decision where we feel we can change the other person's mind.

 

So here's the shift you're going for. Right now, you are most likely judging yourself through the eyes (or imagined eyes) of your ex. Ex didn't like a trait in you or a particular behavior, therefore, we think such trait is a failure, a sign of inadequacy.

 

Gradually, you'll see, wait! Ex is ONE person and didn't appreciate so many of our strengths and gifts. ONE. And what this ex didn't like about me other people won't be so concerned about. And the strengths I have are strengths that other people will love even if they didn't matter so much to the ex.

 

Translation: in this painful phase, you're seeing yourself too much through the eyes of the ex. Over time you will start seeing yourself through your own eyes and the eyes of friends, and family and people who have developed crushes on you and expressed interest in you and through good work you do on the job ... or in your community or with your family.

 

Also in this phase, you're blocking out all the annoying qualities of your ex and all the ways time with your ex wasn't so great. When we get dumped, it's almost guaranteed that before being dumped, the person was really not treating us so well. You can look back and see them going through the motions or even recall your own insecurity about how interested in you they were. So start remembering the flaws of your ex. They have them--major flaws--we all have them! ... and some of those flaws drove you nuts. You're just ignoring those flaws and annoying qualities because your ego and confidence are hurting right now.

 

Ultimately, you'll get to a point where you'll wonder, why the heck did I let ex's opinion totally knock me down? Ex is one person.

 

You'll heal. Doesn't feel like it now, but you will.

Edited November 13, 2018 by Lotsgoingon