Feeling Shame

[Lotus_Luna]

Does anyone carry shame about what they’ve endured? I don’t like to talk to people about my experiences because I don’t see how they could respect me.

 

I hear so many over simplify the situation ‘just leave’ and not really understand the power manipulation has over me.

 

I want to get past it, but I haven’t.

[KissingFire]

Does anyone carry shame about what they’ve endured? I don’t like to talk to people about my experiences because I don’t see how they could respect me.

 

I hear so many over simplify the situation ‘just leave’ and not really understand the power manipulation has over me.

 

I want to get past it, but I haven’t.

 

Yes.

 

No one, not even my therapist knows the extent of what my ex did to me. My family knew he frightened me, and my dad had to go out and warn him not to touch me ever again, and after that he agreed to go to therapy with me about his anger issues and deep rooted problems with his father beating him, and we started to move forward slowly.

 

How could I love a man who spat at me? Who hit me with his shoes because I spilt water on him? Who smacked me across the face because I didn't tell him about a surprise party his family (who he hated) had planned for him? How could I miss him?

 

He recently left me for another woman, and instead of relief, I feel broken, the reality of everything he has done to me crashing down onto me like a ton of bricks.

 

My family never knew. I would hate to think what they'd think of me, a smart, independent, university educated woman with the world at her feet, staying with a man who called her fat, ugly, a whale, stupid, thick, lazy... It breaks me. And yet I loved him. I still love him. He was not a monster all the time.

 

I don't have much advice for you. Just know that you're not alone, and you don't deserve to feel shame. What he said or did to you does not defy you.

 

I wish you the best, and I am a message away if you want to talk. x

[Lotus_Luna]

My best friend said that very thing this week ‘why do I even love him?’

 

I don’t love my husband anymore. He disgusts me.

 

But I don’t like talking about what happened with anyone. My ex AP was trying to be encouraging, asking if i’m taking care of my mental health, talking about things... i finally told him it’s shameful for me to discuss what I went through with him or why I even tolerated the domestic abuse.

 

I feel people see me as a mess, broken and drama.

 

I’m a lease person for having endured the abuse.

[BitterSweetz]

 

I hear so many over simplify the situation ‘just leave’ and not really understand the power manipulation has over me.

 

Do you know what Stockholm syndrome is?

[BitterSweetz]

I have survived 5 abusive relationships, and countless flings and friendships that were abusive. I learned how to be a victim because of the way my mother treated my father, and how she was jealous of my father and I's father daughter relationship... the school systems i was heavily bullied so i learned there too.

 

know none of it is your fault, you did not deserve to be abused.

know you are not alone, 1 in 3 women experience domestic violence

know that people do care about you, you are loved and can be loved

There is a way out, but more often then not, because the trauma bonds and stockholm syndrom victims return to the abuser

 

if you are in a safe place and can do so there are hotlines you can contact to get help. They can connect you to resources in your area that can help you, including helping you with an escape plan and finding a shelter, even a civil standby if you cannot leave when he is not home (I've had a civil standby before, police/sheriffs are present).

 

do what you can and always do it when you are safe <3

[Lotus_Luna]

In my case I have to be financially independent. He won’t provide for the kids, he will go out of his way to use it as a way to control and hurt me.

 

I’m not attached to him. I don’t like him and he knows it. He’s aware if he walked out that door I’d never think of him again.

 

But I need to make sure I can take care of the kids needs.

 

He’s not physical anymore. But he still struggles with boundaries.

 

He’s the only abusive relationship and it didn’t really start until his mental health declined. He’s taken some steps in self care but not enough to be a healthy partner.

 

So I have a timeline and a village that’s supporting me.

[KissingFire]

My best friend said that very thing this week ‘why do I even love him?’

 

I don’t love my husband anymore. He disgusts me.

 

But I don’t like talking about what happened with anyone. My ex AP was trying to be encouraging, asking if i’m taking care of my mental health, talking about things... i finally told him it’s shameful for me to discuss what I went through with him or why I even tolerated the domestic abuse.

 

I feel people see me as a mess, broken and drama.

 

I’m a lease person for having endured the abuse.

 

You loved him because you fell in love. It's really that simple. Abusive relationships aren't black and white. I'm sure he wasn't a horrible bully 100% of the time, else you'd never have been with him or had children with him.

 

My first boyfriend was abusive towards me in the end. He threatened suicide whenever I wanted to leave, and when things were going well, he got a teenage girl pregnant. I was in therapy for months, but 8 years down the line I still remember the pain. I'm not repulsed by his actions anymore, I know I have moved on from him because I can honestly say I only wish he got help for his destructive behaviour so he can be a good father to his daughters. He never apologised for throwing me down the stairs. He never told me he was sorry that he slept with me and her at the same time because he could. I had to accept an apology I was never going to receive. I digress, but the point here was that I swore I'd never let anyone lay a finger on me again, and yet it did happen again and I still did not walk away because I believed in him. It really isn't as simple as "walk away" and anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship knows that. You are not alone in how you feel.

 

I'm proud of you, that you've got the strength to stay away, it takes a lot of courage to break the cycle. The shame isn't your cross to bear, it's his. How could he do that to you? How could he abuse you? Do you see what I mean? His actions are based on his character, not yours. Do not think of yourself as a victim! You loved someone who is damaged. That is not your fault. It happens when you least expect it.

 

It takes a lot to delve into your own mind and ask yourself why? Why did I not run away the first time he hit the wall? Why did I stay when he threw me on the bed and pulled my hair? Why did I not call the police when he told me he'd kill me? I'm still struggling to answer those questions myself, and it's a daunting task because you have to accept those things happened to you.

 

You're not a mess. You are a human being, just like everyone else. Don't let his actions or his words defy who you are. His words are just a reflection of himself - I realise that now.

 

My ex called me thick and stupid, even though he dropped out of school while I have a degree.

He called me weird and crazy for being close to my family, because his own family kicked him out at a young age and beat him. They were young when they had him and it screwed him up.

He called me fat, because he knew it was the only thing he could tear me down with because it's what my mother called me during one of her drunken outbursts. He'd apologise the next day and say he wouldn't be with me if he thought I was fat, he admitted that it was because it was the only insult that would get to me.

 

I know I am better off without this person in my life.

 

It's generic, but be gentle with yourself. Drink tons of water, maybe put on a touch of mascara or something if you can, eat well, or treat yourself to something nice. You deserve to feel good. You deserve a day of peace and rest.

 

Keep coming on here and venting as well. Sometimes I miss my ex, and instead of contacting him, I come on here and vent, judgement free. Of course, I miss his nice side, which I'm hoping will pass one day. One day I'll be able to look at all the horrific things he did to me, and the rose-tinted glasses will come off.

 

Just remember you have nothing to be ashamed of, and I mean that. I know it doesn't just happen over night, but tell yourself it every morning. The shame lies with him, not you.

 

All the best. xxx

[Lotus_Luna]

I didn’t stand up intially because he would apologize. I believed him when he said it, believed it was the last time.

 

Then I realized it was a cycle and nothing was going to change.

 

I do take care of myself. I go to therapy, I have supper and I maintain my body.

 

Telling him about the affair was interesting. He really only cared that another man had touched me (we didn’t have sex but we had been somewhat physical)... I was his possession and another man violated it. But he was also threatened because he KNEW he had nothing to offer in comparison.

 

On some level, itvwas nice to remove that power from him. That attitude he had that no man would want me. I was unloveable in his eyes...

[BitterSweetz]

you said he did not provide for the family? That means you are a step closer to being independent from the abuse.

 

you will know when you have had enough. posting here was the start of having had enough of his non-sense.

 

not all abuse is physical in nature, and many do not know that psychological abuse can change the anatomy and chemistry of the brain.

 

Most developed countries have a way to get out or away from abusers because the harm that they cause.

 

the cycle of abuse is vicious, and at this rate you may be the only one to stop it.

 

the beginning of any relationship is always good of you would not stay. Some where along the line the abuser starts grooming the victim for abuse, which usually involves a form of manipulation that makes the victim lose self esteem, produces self doubt so you rely on the abuser, and separates you from your social network and or family.

 

What I have learned in recovering from narcissistic abuse, is ...

you need to find your self worth,

rediscover your identity (what makes you who you are),

create an escape plan with social workers or an advocate (usually at a shelter)

and most of all start loving yourself again!

 

i know you married him, but you hinted toward him not being the person you married. I am old fashioned myself, but as a survivor of abuse i know that abuse is not love.

 

i hope you do what is best for you, which only you know what that is.

[Ronni_W]

Does anyone carry shame about what they’ve endured?

It's also a choice, though. A lot of people (most people?) will respect you for your strength for coming out of the other side with more self-awareness and wisdom than you went in.

You could take pride in, and respect yourself, for the exact same thing.

 

You also showed rational-practical thinking, and compassion and willingness to forgive and give another chance, throughout. That is admirable...isn't it?

 

Sometimes, it's just that we keep our own selves stuck in our own false self-judgments...while almost nobody else is looking at our (past) situation and our (past) choices and actions that way.

 

It's okay to be okay with the exact route you took, to be the psychologically better and stronger person that you are today! It's okay to celebrate that!!!