BigB Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 and did you mean it at the time? Is she saying "back off"? Or, does it translate to "I'm not actively looking for people to date, but I'm open to the idea if I meet someone interesting" I've dated girls in the past after they said this to me. Almost made me think it was some kind of test. Like they wanted to see if I'd give up easily.... This girl I've been talking to has said this, yet she still seems interested (interested but cautious, she’s been hurt badly a few times). So I'm confused:confused: , as I usually am:o . Thanks, B
littlekitty Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Yes, and it was a line to let someone know I wasn't really interested in dating them. Sorry!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Yes, sometimes it was a line and sometimes it was sincere. Either way - it meant that I was not going to date the person I said it to.
RecordProducer Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 She might still be in love with someone and believes that she is not a good relationship material right now for anyone. Or she is not into you. Or both. Or she is giving you the I-am-an-independent-girl-don't-need-but-sex thing.
JS17 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I have personally said it when I've really not been ready for a relationship because I'm still dealing with issues from a previous relationship or I have something else in my life that I really need to focus on. It does mean that I'm not going to date that person but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't go back to them if they were available at some point in the future.
Dean3922 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 It is usually the brush off BigB. Women are never honest and will tell you things and you are supposed to figure it out. I would back off and see how she reacts. If she wonders what happened to you and contacts you then you might still have a chance. If she leaves you alone then she wanted to let you down easy. If she suggests the "friends" thing, run. She is not interested in a romantic relationship and if you are then it won't work. Peace...
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 It is usually the brush off BigB. Women are never honest and will tell you things and you are supposed to figure it out. I would back off and see how she reacts. If she wonders what happened to you and contacts you then you might still have a chance. If she leaves you alone then she wanted to let you down easy. If she suggests the "friends" thing, run. She is not interested in a romantic relationship and if you are then it won't work. I agree DEAN3922....most "single" women are looking for a relationship or to get into one. When they say this to you it really means "I'm not looking for a relationship right now WITH YOU" Girls are smart....they leave off the last two words so they don't hurt your feelings.
lindya Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 It's awful when there's pressure from date 1 to establish whether a relationship is developing. My longest lasting and most enjoyable relationships have started off on a very light-hearted note. When you first meet someone the emphasis needs to be on having fun together rather than trying to get "coupley" too soon. Certainly "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" can mean "back off - I'm not interested." Then again, some people are never really "looking" for a relationship. Romantic relationships generally end up being pretty demanding in terms of the time, sacrifice and level of personal disclosure required to make them work. For those who value space to do their own thing - there needs to be a really strong connection before they'll want one. Don't necessarily listen to Alpha when he says that all women are looking for a relationship. That can be misleading advice in that it encourages some men to press for too much too soon. With a woman who's anxious to be in a relationship because it's the only way she can feel socially acceptable, the instant relationship might be fine...but women who are happy doing their own thing might well resist being stamped with the label of "girlfriend" to a man they barely know.
morrigan Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 For whatever reason it was said, it basically means they aren't intending on becoming seriously involved with you. In reality, not all women (like not all men) are urgently seeking some sort of soulmate or want serious relationships. If they say that when you initially ask them out, it probably means they're not interested. If you've been seeing them for some time, it doesn't mean you have to stop if you both enjoy eachothers company, just don't expect there will be any further involvement. It may happen, it may not.
Outcast Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Women both say it and think it. Relationships take a great deal of work and energy, both physical and emotional, and if you're exhausted from recent stresses or upcoming obligations, you know you can't do a relationship justice while tending to the other matters in your life.
AmberAriesMom Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 To the OP....all you had to do when she said she wasn't interested in a relationship was to say you weren't either, thereby establishing a 'dating' situation. I agree with the poster who expressed concern over people thinking about being a couple so soon in the dating experience. With what my experience (not my own, just others I know) has been, it seems as soon as they agree to dating someone they already have them on the short list of marriage potential. The test questions begin right away instead of letting 'life' provide the answers to those questions by dating and just having a good time. Not long into the relationship then the couple start to have issues and instead of feeling free to walk away they start trying to fix things as if they are already married or they are the last couple on earth. Lighten up! Enjoy dating! Stop the relationship blitz! If it's a good match, time will tell. Until then, well, just lighten up! From an old person who dating many many guys before getting married, here was my rule of thumb....I never looked at a guy as marriage potential when I was dating him....I looked at him as compatable for fun and entertainment and expected him to do the same....I didn't bring him into my family affairs, not even if someone in the family died...that was my business alone because the guy I was dating was just someone I dated for pleasure and as long as that pleasure was a two way street that was fine. What changed me from that dating way of thinking to the marriage minded was the sudden feeling that this man was the only one I ever thought about in a positive way on a consistant basis...so then since he was feeling the same, we began to think about what a marriage between us would be like. As it turned out, all other important factors besides love also fit so we gave it a try....29 years ago and running.
dgiirl Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 If she's just coming out of a serious relationship where she got hurt, then she might be warning you she's not ready for anything serious and dont want to break your heart in the process. She might fear you are the rebound guy and doesnt want to hurt you. You might be moving way too fast for her. However, I've also said this line before, and the guy went psycho on me a few months later when I did find someone else I was ready to get into a relationship with. At the time, I did like the guy, but I wasnt into him really, and was confused so I figured I wasnt ready for a relationship, and I truely believed it. I sincerly wasnt looking for a relationship, and then I met the next guy a few months later and everything changed. If you want more than friendship, then i'd let her go for your own sake. If you're ok with friends, then stick around. If she's just come out of a serious relationship, she'll need time to work on those feelings and might become interested in you. She might not tho.
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Don't necessarily listen to Alpha when he says that all women are looking for a relationship. That is bullsheeyot LINDYA....the majority of females I know who are single and available are actively searching for a dude for a relationship. Problem is there aren't that many decent men out there so they get flustered over time.... And the older the women are the more actively they are looking. You know it, I know it.
JS17 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 That is bullsheeyot LINDYA....the majority of females I know who are single and available are actively searching for a dude for a relationship. Problem is there aren't that many decent men out there so they get flustered over time.... And the older the women are the more actively they are looking. You know it, I know it. I strongly disagree Alpha. I know many women who are not looking for relationships. There's one woman that I know that has been divorced and is now 45 that does not want to be in a relationship. Older single women does not mean they want to be in a relationship. Single women period do not necessarily want to be in a relationship...I know a few women my own age that do not want relationships right now.
Dean3922 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Timing is a big issue with women. When they are looking then the relationship door is open and when they just want sex then it is closed. If you want a serious relationship then you need to find a gal that has her door open( or unless you are a celebrity or someone they think is way beyond them:p ).
morrigan Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Older single women does not mean they want to be in a relationship. Single women period do not necessarily want to be in a relationship...I know a few women my own age that do not want relationships right now. Exactly, in reality it depends on the person and the timing, not some gender generality.
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I strongly disagree Alpha. I know many women who are not looking for relationships. maybe JS17....but isn't it funny that soon as MR. RIGHT comes along all of a sudden the female in question is ready for a relationship
JS17 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 maybe JS17....but isn't it funny that soon as MR. RIGHT comes along all of a sudden the female in question is ready for a relationship Nobody wants to let the perfect person go, if she's smart she'll take it really slow. If she's truly not ready and he is Mr. Right she'll be smart enough to know that she'll only end up screwing up the relationship if she tries for it when she's dealing with too many other issues.
lindya Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 That is bullsheeyot LINDYA....the majority of females I know who are single and available are actively searching for a dude for a relationship. Problem is there aren't that many decent men out there so they get flustered over time.... And the older the women are the more actively they are looking. You know it, I know it. I can assure you that it's not bull****, Alpha. Your view of what women want and how they behave may correlate with some women you've met - but that's only a limited pool of the species. If you're going to have a relationship with someone, spend a lot of your free time with them, and be closer to them than you are to the other people in your life, then yes - you certainly need to think well of him....but there needs to be something a bit more than just "yep, he's a decent guy." There are lots of decent guys out there, and there are lots of decent women out there. It's just that they don't necessarily connect with eachother on a physical, intellectual and spiritual level. Some people generally function better on their own, and should only get it together with a partner if the chemistry absolutely demands that they do so. Others just need to be with a partner - and most people in that latter group will eventually find someone who fits the bill well enough. Checks most of the right boxes on the list. Like some of the other women who've posted on this thread, I belong to the first category. I'd much rather be on my own than with someone I only felt 50% about. Always have felt that way, and can't really imagine it changing - however old and decrepit I might get.
Author BigB Posted September 12, 2005 Author Posted September 12, 2005 Let me add something she said last night. She said this to someone that was giving her sh^t because he thought she and I were together. "I don't plan on being with anyone for quite awhile... I'm enjoying my life the way it is." I interpret that as "I want to be single and work on myself for a while" I did the same thing for a few years after a nasty breakup. I think I'll back off a little and she how she reacts. I never came on very strong to begin with, but she know's I have feelings for her. Either way, she's a very cool girl and I want to be friends with her. I'm one of those make friends for a little bit without and pressure before dating types, and so is she.
Author BigB Posted September 12, 2005 Author Posted September 12, 2005 I'd much rather be on my own than with someone I only felt 50% about. I'm the same way Lindya, always have been. Probably a big part of why I've been single for the last 7 years. If I don't feel 100% after a month or so, I don't go any farther because I know it's not going to work out. Some people like the "oh, we'll have a few good months" thing, but I don't. For example, there is a girl from my work (Iv'e posted about her, she works at a different location now) that has gone from friendly, to "BIGB, ASK ME OUT!" but, I just don't feel it with her. Instead I have feelings for "no relationship chick" *sigh*
lindya Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 For example, there is a girl from my work (Iv'e posted about her, she works at a different location now) that has gone from friendly, to "BIGB, ASK ME OUT!" but, I just don't feel it with her. Instead I have feelings for "no relationship chick" *sigh* A bugger, isn't it?! Perhaps being interested in someone who isn't attainable right now is your way of gradually preparing yourself to get back into the dating process. One step at a time
Author BigB Posted September 12, 2005 Author Posted September 12, 2005 A bugger, isn't it?! Perhaps being interested in someone who isn't attainable right now is your way of gradually preparing yourself to get back into the dating process. One step at a time Could be, I handn't though of that. baby steps I guess. I still have a lot of fear rejection and insecurity issues to deal with. The whole thing scares the hell out of me.
JS17 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Could be, I handn't though of that. baby steps I guess. I still have a lot of fear rejection and insecurity issues to deal with. The whole thing scares the hell out of me. Welcome to Loveshack~~
Outcast Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Some people generally function better on their own, and should only get it together with a partner if the chemistry absolutely demands that they do so. Others just need to be with a partner - and most people in that latter group will eventually find someone who fits the bill well enough. Checks most of the right boxes on the list. Excellent insight
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