JaneInVegas Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I knew my boyfriend for about a year before we started dating. He grumbled constantly about the girl he was living with at the time, he always said he felt trapped. They broke up because she met a guy online, and she flew to Texas to meet him, and told John she was flying to Pennsylvania to visit family. Last November I moved in with him. We've had a halfway decent relationship, and we really care a lot about each other. A couple of months ago, something happened to make me suspect he'd been talking to his ex, Tammy. I confronted him, he immediately admitted that yes, he talked to her 'once in awhile', and it was never more than 5 minutes at a time. I was dubious. Now ... I KNOW what I did was wrong, please no one flame me for this, I've paid the price already ... but I went online and got into his cell phone records. I was shocked. Just three weeks after I moved in, he first started calling Tammy. The very first day she got her cell he called her NINE TIMES. He called her almost every day for weeks on end, rarely missing more than four days at a stretch, sometimes he'd call five times or more in a single day, sometimes all their conversations combined in a single day would total more than an hour. However, (somewhat in his defense) John is a talkaholic, and during these months he was talking a lot more to ME than he was HER. His defense was always 'I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not sleeping with her, and I'm home every night, what's the problem?' And that was true, I have a hard time believing he would have found the time to have a physical fling with her. Still ... I was pretty ticked off. I mean, this is the man that felt "trapped" for two years? Puh-leeze. Oh man, I'm starting to ramble here, sorry! To cut to the chase, I threatened to move out unless he changed both his personal cell phone number, and his work cell number. I felt pretty confidant that the phone calls were finished from his end, I just didn't want her crying to him anymore to move back in. He promised he'd have both numbers changed in just a few days. His personal cell he got changed, but his work number took longer. I witnessed his boss saying he didn't care, so that was not an issue. After procrastinating almost a week, he told me he had to 'make a stand' and not change the number. He refused. I reminded him of his promise, he said if I didn't like it, I knew where the door was. Well, I used it. I miss John SOOO much, and I want to try to make things work out. He insisted he's not talking to Tammy anymore, and maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I think he was telling me the truth. I'd explain why, but this is getting long enough as it is. Should I completely believe him, and just let it go? He calls me TEN TIMES a day, EVERY day. He says he needs time to figure things out, just like I do. This was a wonderful relationship, and I hate to throw away almost a year. I'm just having a hard time imagining that this is the same guy that whined for so long about feeling 'trapped' by a woman he called almost daily for eleven months after they broke up.
bluechocolate Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 His defense was always 'I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not sleeping with her, and I'm home every night, what's the problem?' What's the problem? He lied to you about contacting her. ....he immediately admitted that yes, he talked to her 'once in awhile', and it was never more than 5 minutes at a time He's sharing something with another woman, a woman who used to be his ex. You have every right to feel betrayed & suspicious. Just three weeks after I moved in, he first started calling Tammy. The very first day she got her cell he called her NINE TIMES. He called her almost every day for weeks on end, rarely missing more than four days at a stretch, sometimes he'd call five times or more in a single day, sometimes all their conversations combined in a single day would total more than an hour. Talkaholic or not, in my opinion, this guy is not over his ex. Even if he was over her, his continued contact with her in this way is inappropriate & not at all conducive to bettering his relationship with you - as is clearly evident now. I have a hard time believing he would have found the time to have a physical fling with her. Do you think that physical intimacy is the only way that someone can be unfaithful in a relationship? After procrastinating almost a week, he told me he had to 'make a stand' and not change the number. He refused. I reminded him of his promise, he said if I didn't like it, I knew where the door was. I can fully understand how changing a work number can be a real hassle. Instead of explaining to you why he didn't want to change his work number he decides to 'make a stand' & give you an ultimatum. This was a wonderful relationship, and I hate to throw away almost a year. Sounds to me like he's the one who has thrown away almost a year.
Author JaneInVegas Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 Yeah, obviously there are a lot of ways to be unfaithful in a relationship. John apparently doesn't think so, he's still clinging to the 'just friends' defense. He says the only thing he's really guilty of is lying to me about it. We're living apart right now, we've agreed to give each other two weeks to rethink things and get some breathing space. I have no idea where this is going. Now ... I know that getting into his phone records online wasn't the nicest thing in the world to do, but is he justified in being totally mad at me for doing so? I told him if he hadn't betrayed my trust in the first place, I never would have even thought of doing such a thing. He comes back with 'we're just friends, you had no right, blah blah blah'. I'm so tired of trying to wrap my brain around this whole stupid mess.
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