Can't Stop Stressing Out

[RedHead5]

I'm four months in. My stress fluctuates from zero to 100. The things that I stress about change on a regular basis.

 

For example, two weeks ago I was so stressed out about social media I could have vomited. I was checking the girls liking his posts, etc. Realized this was bad behavior and that these people knew NOTHING about his actual day to day life. Made myself stop, put it into perspective by thinking about the guys that like my posts and how often I communicate with them. Never mentioned it to him but it took up so much of my time and energy.

 

We usually see each other on the weekend, sleep apart on Sunday, never stressed on Sundays. By Tuesday I'm usually a wreck. We usually get together again on Wednesdays except for two weeks we skipped Wednesdays and started spening the whole weekend together nonstop.

 

I'm stressing right now. I was with him last night. I don't understand why I keep doing this!

 

He is so nice to me although he is a typical 'bad boy' kinda guy. He texts back fast, he checks in when he is out, when some girl commented on his Facebook post, he even explained it to me even though I didn't ask. (And I never do). He takes care of me, includes my children, puts in effort, and we have alot if the same interests. Sex is good. He takes me in dates, introduces me to his friends, makes future plans, etc etc etc. Basically everything he should be doing.

 

WHY can't I stop worrying?! Why can't I accept this?

 

I think something is wrong with me lol. Maybe because I dealt with a narcissist recently for many months, and was cheated in before that?!

 

When will this go away??

[kendahke]

When will this go away??

 

When you stop looking for things to go wrong in order to be right.

 

From someone looking in from the outside and going from what you've written, you're self sabotaging and you need to stop and figure out why you reach for that with a therapist.

[RedHead5]

When you stop looking for things to go wrong in order to be right.

 

From someone looking in from the outside and going from what you've written, you're self sabotaging and you need to stop and figure out why you reach for that with a therapist.

 

I have considered therapy actually. I have went as far as finding someone locally online who I would visit. Just seems like it will be time consuming for me with being a single mom and working full time. If I can get by without it, I would rather skip it. I try to use this site as my therapy I think lol

 

I have an hour commute each day and I am hourly so if I take off work I lose $$. Plus kids activities. Then trying to have a boyfriend on top of that. I'm stretched pretty thin.

[kendahke]

I have considered therapy actually. I have went as far as finding someone locally online who I would visit. Just seems like it will be time consuming for me with being a single mom and working full time. If I can get by without it, I would rather skip it. I try to use this site as my therapy I think lol

 

None of us here are licensed and very, very few of us here have formal training in this area, so I wouldn't count on a bunch of amateurs for something as important as your mental health.

 

If you're sabotaging your relationships, then obviously, you're not getting by well without it---otherwise, this wouldn't be a problem and this thread wouldn't be here.

 

You can make excuses or you can make a commitment to resolve an issue that is causing you to repeatedly have issues in the relationship department.

 

If this was a broken bone, you'd figure out a way to go get it set by a doctor---you wouldn't wander down to your local tavern and ask them for a couple pieces of wood and some twine to fix it.

[RedHead5]

But I feel like I am usually a reasonable person and if I can step back and look at things logically I'm usually okay. And I wasn't like this in previous relationships. When I was married to the cheater, I trusted him. I didn't have any anxiety, I don't even recall having it in the beginning.

 

I haven't sabotaged anything yet. As far as I know, he has no idea how much anxiety I have had. I haven't 'called him out' on anything or spazzed out on him. And I don't intend to. It has actually gotten less over the last few months, just wish it would stop altogether.

 

Like I said, he has done absolutely nothing wrong. I dont ask him to check in or explain anything. He just does. I even wonder sometimes if he does it because he wants the same from me - he was cheated on in his last relationship so he has some issues too I'm sure.

[RedHead5]

Just thought of this as well - I was chatting with another girl last weekend who is dating my bf's friend and she has some of this anxiety too. And we both said the same thing, after making so many mistakes, it's hard to trust your own judgement.

 

I thought my ex was a good guy and I would be with him for the rest of my life. Then I fell for a narc. I dont trust myself to make a sound decision, if that makes sense lol.

[kendahke]

But I feel like I am usually a reasonable person and if I can step back and look at things logically I'm usually okay. And I wasn't like this in previous relationships. When I was married to the cheater, I trusted him. I didn't have any anxiety, I don't even recall having it in the beginning.

 

I haven't sabotaged anything yet. As far as I know, he has no idea how much anxiety I have had. I haven't 'called him out' on anything or spazzed out on him. And I don't intend to. It has actually gotten less over the last few months, just wish it would stop altogether.

 

Like I said, he has done absolutely nothing wrong. I dont ask him to check in or explain anything. He just does. I even wonder sometimes if he does it because he wants the same from me - he was cheated on in his last relationship so he has some issues too I'm sure.

 

It sounds to me as if you and he need to have a conversation if you're doing all of this wondering. I mean, since cheating partners is what you have in common, it would help both of you out to discuss your expectations of one another and how to maintain equilibrium in your relationship so that it keeps growing positively.

[kendahke]

. And we both said the same thing, after making so many mistakes, it's hard to trust your own judgement.

 

If you're at this point, then perhaps its best to take a step back from dating until you can trust your own judgment because in the end, if you don't have that, you're lost. Anyone can sell you down the river if you've not taken the time to develop your own judgment. You can't hand that kind of responsibility to yourself off to someone else.

[RedHead5]

If you're at this point, then perhaps its best to take a step back from dating until you can trust your own judgment because in the end, if you don't have that, you're lost. Anyone can sell you down the river if you've not taken the time to develop your own judgment. You can't hand that kind of responsibility to yourself off to someone else.

 

But I really like this guy and I can't just dump him. I'm just trying to take things slowly. I have had a habit of rushing things. I did wait about a year this time before attempting an actual relationship with anyone, to get my bearings right and focus on me and being independent. And honestly, a relationship was not my intent when I went out with him. I was just looking for a fun date. But we clicked very well, right from that first date.

 

We have had a conversation about what constitutes cheating and we are on the same page, cheating is anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner or would feel the need to delete or hide.

 

Neither of us like to talk about feelings, which is a definite pitfall for us. But both of us convey our feelings through actions, if that makes sense? Like the longer we are together and the way we treat each other is building up trust. I feel like we both 'get' that since we both hate talking about feelings and emotions. It does make things a little more anxious but I don't want to ruin what we have going either.

 

If I try to talk about feelings I'm going to sound like a weirdo and he is going to be like a deer in headlights. Like seriously, my thoughts do not come out of my brain to my mouth properly when I try to talk feelings. We have had very few of those talks and they are usually very short lol.

 

You can obviously see I am conflicted about feelings by my posts.

[nodramallama]

Hey Redhead,

 

I could have written your post.

 

I also took a year off to work on my self esteem after leaving a toxic dating relationship and got myself into therapy.

 

I'm dating a great guy now...we'd been friends for 5 months before dating and we're only on month 4 of being in an exclusive relationship. And, like you, I've kept a firm lid on my anxiety. But there are days when it is/was truly overwhelming and paralyzing!!

 

What I've done (and this may not work for you) are the following things:

1. I'm back on a low dose of Zoloft. I'd been on it for years for job related PTSD, and it has REALLY helped! My anxiety does not paralyze or overwhelm me anymore, and I don't get caught up in obsessive social media monitoring.

 

2. If/When I DO feel anxious about something, I do NOT react. Instead, I observe. Like you, I don't completely trust myself yet to read situations in a "healthy" context, but I am learning. And this is only because he has been consistent in his words and actions.

 

3. The one time that my anxiety did not go away, I brought it up to him in a detached non-emotional manner. "Hey, I'd like to talk about something that's been bothering me because I need your help to understand. When xyz happened yesterday, I felt some anxiety and I want to make sure I got the story right." Or something like that. My bf is very analytical, so he responds to this approach brilliantly.

 

I think it's a great sign that you see your anxiety decreasing over time, and it will continue to do so as you get to know your bf's character better. It sounds like you have a great thing going on, and I think a little anxiety is a good thing in the sense that it's keeping you mindful of potential red flags (because obviously you missed them in your last r'ship. )

 

Take a deep breath, enjoy your bf, and take your relationship one day at a time.

 

Hugs!

[RedHead5]

Thank you for the response! We do sound similar in our anxiety and approach to it. I totally get the paralyzing statement. That has happened a few times, mostly really early on when I started to realize I really liked this guy and I was giving him a chance.

 

My boyfriend is also very analytical, and when I do ask him relationship questions he thinks before he answers and seems to answer very honestly, not just telling me what I want to hear.

Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote removed

[preraph]

It's still only four months. Like they say, you don't really know a person until you see how they act when they don't get their way. I understand the anxiety. By now, you're building hopes. Just try to temper yourself because it's still early. Hope is hard to lose. It sounds like he's fairly predictable and reliable. Don't let him see you be anxious. It's too early for a real commitment, so just don't go there no matter how much you think it might make you feel better.

 

Maybe in the next couple of months he'll bring up exclusivity if he hasn't already. Until then, keep some options open, at least in your mind.

[BaileyB]

What helped me to deal with the anxiety I was feeling early in my relationship was to truly understand that what was meant to be, would be. Excessive worry was not going to create my desired outcome. If anything, it would do the opposite and negatively affect the relationship.

 

The other thing that helped me, I decided that whether it worked out or didn’t work out... I would be fine either way. For you OP, you have survived a bad relationship and you are wiser and stronger for it. IF this relationship doesn’t work out, it will be sad but your life will go on and you will get through it.

 

Let go of the worry and stop trying to control the outcome - enjoy the journey... This man sounds like a nice guy and he sounds really interested in having a relationship with you - don’t ruin that by creating problems where they don’t exist. Go out with friends, clean your house, distract yourself when your mind starts to wander... And enjoy this, what happens if it actually works out for you and things are wonderful! Best wishes!

[RedHead5]

It's still only four months. Like they say, you don't really know a person until you see how they act when they don't get their way. I understand the anxiety. By now, you're building hopes. Just try to temper yourself because it's still early. Hope is hard to lose. It sounds like he's fairly predictable and reliable. Don't let him see you be anxious. It's too early for a real commitment, so just don't go there no matter how much you think it might make you feel better.

 

Maybe in the next couple of months he'll bring up exclusivity if he hasn't already. Until then, keep some options open, at least in your mind.

 

Thank you, and we are exclusive. That convo happened around 6-8 weeks. I brought it up, just asked him. I would be losing my mind right now if I didn't know that! And I know deep down we are too early for a super serious committment. We are still on our best behavior for the most part but things are getting a little more comfortable.

[RedHead5]

What helped me to deal with the anxiety I was feeling early in my relationship was to truly understand that what was meant to be, would be. Excessive worry was not going to create my desired outcome. If anything, it would do the opposite and negatively affect the relationship.

 

The other thing that helped me, I decided that whether it worked out or didn’t work out... I would be fine either way. For you OP, you have survived a bad relationship and you are wiser and stronger for it. IF this relationship doesn’t work out, it will be sad but your life will go on and you will get through it.

 

Let go of the worry and stop trying to control the outcome - enjoy the journey... This man sounds like a nice guy and he sounds really interested in having a relationship with you - don’t ruin that by creating problems where they don’t exist. Go out with friends, clean your house, distract yourself when your mind starts to wander... And enjoy this, what happens if it actually works out for you and things are wonderful! Best wishes!

 

Thank you too! And yes, I skipped Friday night with him last week to make time for a friend. I'm trying to keep perspective. A part of me remembers when I was single and just did whatever I wanted and that was a good feeling too. I just hate when my anxiety starts taking up my time so that I can't be productive!

[nodramallama]

I forgot to mention the best thing that has helped keep my anxiety at bay - I've kept up my life and doing the things that make me...me. This is tricky because my bf and I are so much alike and we share our love for the same hobbies, but I don't always wait around for him to plan our activities. If I want to go mountain biking, and he's still at work, I go by myself.

 

I've also started pursuing hobbies that do not include him, so I can have something "of my own." This has helped immensely with keeping my self esteem healthy and building my own self autonomy.