He’s just not that into me?

[TaintedLuv]

I met this guy off a dating app about three weeks ago now. We texted a couple of days before meeting IRL. We met on a Friday and we ended up hanging out that Saturday AND Sunday. Since then he would text me first thing in the am and we’d text through out the day until we went to bed and repeat. He travels for work so I didn’t get a chance to see him til the following weekend. We were intimate and everything was going great. He was constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he likes me and misses me etc. We continued to text and talk but this past weekend he went totally silent. I had a feeling that he was going to disappear- just a gut feeling. He had mentioned that he was “at odds” that I had a box of condoms in my nightstand. I texted him asking if he was okay and he responded hours later with a short “yes bad day, hope your day was good”. I felt like I was bothering him so I didn’t respond. Well, I never heard from him again. I decided to try one more time and asked him why he disappeared and this is what I got:

 

“Honestly, it's a couple of things. Part of it, yeah, is that work is killing me, and I'm losing my mind. Part of it is that I didn't hear from you. But the main reason I haven't reached out is that the more we talked and texted last week, the more I felt like I wasn't going to be the person you were looking for, and I really wasn't ok with the way things stood. Yes, we have lots in common. But the differences were big enough and hit me hard enough that I was pulling back and trying to be someone who just isn't me. And I'm not interested in being that person. You seem like a great woman. But I'm not going to be who you want me to be, so I pulled back. Not hearing from you just made it clear that I wasn't wrong. Sorry but I disappeared just as much as you did. Take care”

 

I responded expressing how I felt and I do think he really came conclusions that simply weren’t true. I don’t know how someone can be so cold after being so warm. I think he blocked me as soon as he sent that text because he didn’t even acknowledge it. I’m so confused. If he liked me as much as he claimed, why the 180? Why not ask me about it? I feel like so much can be misinterpreted by text. I never asked him to change anything so I don’t know why he’d even use that as an excuse.

[smackie9]

Excuse....a very elaborate one I might add, but an excuse.

[d0nnivain]

When he found the box of condoms he decided that you wanted him to be the kind of man who can deal with a woman who keeps a box of condoms in your nightstand. Whether he concluded that makes you promiscuous or simply independent enough & mature enough to purchase a product that some people find embarrassing to buy, he knew himself well enough to realize that he can't get past his negative, judgmental & narrow-minded preconceptions about what that box of condoms represented to him.

 

Let him go. You dodged a bullet.

 

Next time keep guests out of your drawers.

[TaintedLuv]

Excuse....a very elaborate one I might add, but an excuse.

 

Yeah. That seems to be the general consensus but I’m really super hurt. I know I should let it go but I don’t get it. I was totally crazy about him and he made me feel that it was mutual. I even asked him point blank if I was the only one that wanted to pursue this and he said he did as well. Seems odd that he was unsure this entire time but pretending?

[TaintedLuv]

When he found the box of condoms he decided that you wanted him to be the kind of man who can deal with a woman who keeps a box of condoms in your nightstand. Whether he concluded that makes you promiscuous or simply independent enough & mature enough to purchase a product that some people find embarrassing to buy, he knew himself well enough to realize that he can't get past his negative, judgmental & narrow-minded preconceptions about what that box of condoms represented to him.

 

Let him go. You dodged a bullet.

 

Next time keep guests out of your drawers.

Funny thing is I don’t usually have or buy them because I’m not doing much of that these days. I only got them because I knew it was going to happen and he eluded to not wanting to use them so I knew he wouldn’t have any.

[smackie9]

There could be many reasons....one I usually notice what's common is an ex GF comes back into the picture and they start messaging each other again.

[d0nnivain]

Funny thing is I don’t usually have or buy them because I’m not doing much of that these days. I only got them because I knew it was going to happen and he eluded to not wanting to use them so I knew he wouldn’t have any.

 

Ugh. You bought them for him & he still took umbrage. Maybe the man he thinks you want him to be is a Responsible Adult who uses protection with a new partner & he prefers his sex with more health & pregnancy risks.

 

Seriously be happy he's gone.

[smackie9]

Funny thing is I don’t usually have or buy them because I’m not doing much of that these days. I only got them because I knew it was going to happen and he eluded to not wanting to use them so I knew he wouldn’t have any.

This is a red flag....

 

 

But how he said your condoms in your drawer gave him the impression you were screwing multiple guys is ludicrous. Who the hell thinks that? an insecure jerk off.

 

 

Dear he was gaslighting you....trying to manipulate you into thinking it was all your fault. Again a total jerkoff.

Edited November 8, 2018 by smackie9

[MaleIntuition]

I think you perhaps suffocated each other a bit. Three days in a row and constant texting, no time for reflection or for feelings to grow.

[TaintedLuv]

This is a red flag....

 

 

But how he said your condoms in your drawer gave him the impression you were screwing multiple guys is ludicrous. Who the hell thinks that? an insecure jerk off.

 

 

Dear he was gaslighting you....trying to manipulate you into thinking it was all your fault. Again a total jerkoff.

 

He actually said the “industrial size box” that I had. It was a regular box from the pharmacy so yeah I guess he thought that’s what I was doing.

[rightondude]

this bro gave you the "it's not you, it's me" speech, just padded it with some additional flair.

 

"But how he said your condoms in your drawer gave him the impression you were screwing multiple guys is ludicrous. Who the hell thinks that? an insecure jerk off."

 

I would think the same thing. Why else would you have them if you're not using them? But for the OP it was an O. Henry type story ... "I ... I ... I bought them for YOU!!!!"

 

Either way, the guy was looking for an out and he found it. You're better off hearing it now that later when it will hurt much more.

Edited November 8, 2018 by rightondude

[Saracena]

He actually said the “industrial size box” that I had. It was a regular box from the pharmacy so yeah I guess he thought that’s what I was doing.

 

Or he balked at the prospect of what he perceived to be the marathon sessions you intended having with him, believing he may not be up to the job/able to keep up with you?

[TaintedLuv]

this bro gave you the "it's not you, it's me" speech, just padded it with some additional flair.

 

"But how he said your condoms in your drawer gave him the impression you were screwing multiple guys is ludicrous. Who the hell thinks that? an insecure jerk off."

 

I would think the same thing. Why else would you have them if you're not using them? But for the OP it was an O. Henry type story ... "I ... I ... I bought them for YOU!!!!"

 

Either way, the guy was looking for an out and he found it. You're better off hearing it now that later when it will hurt much more.

 

I didn’t have any moments. The box was sealed and I started seeing someone. Yes HIM. Lol. That’s total bs. In the moment, he was like that should be enough for tonight but a week later, he thought about it and suddenly I’m sleeping around?

 

If he wasn’t interested then why lead me on and mess with my feelings?

Edited November 8, 2018 by TaintedLuv

[smackie9]

Always be cautious of the love bombing technique...the I miss you so much, you are so amazing!, you are beautiful! etc....you only been talking/known him for 3 weeks...he frittered out after 2. Don't get sucked into that.

 

 

I would also be wary of those who say they are travelling for work....always seems to be the excuse these days.....

[thefooloftheyear]

The box of condoms sunk you, IMO...Maybe he talked this over with his buddies and they confirmed his initial feelings.. I mean, there could be other issues, but he's probably hung up on it..

 

Even though you really didn't do anything wrong, a box of rubbers is not normally something a guy would like to see a woman he's getting to know have on hand....especially early on...He's thinking you put out easily(met on Friday had sex the next day) and had a box of condoms on hand...The vision a guy gets is that you are down for anything with anybody, and you are prepared...Even if its not true..

 

Please understand I am not judging you...Just trying to give you a possible reason why he flaked.. I could be wrong and maybe its something else...But it is telling that you say he was "at odds" with seeing that box of rubbers...

 

Also, you will get a lot of responses from people saying "he's insecure, you dodged a bullet", etc...And maybe they are right...But I think sometimes women want to force guys to accept that they can act however they want in this area and not be judged.. Most guys that are actually looking for a relationship/gf want to believe that the prospective woman is very selective and not necessarily acting like a pro in the bedroom...Smart women know how to play this correctly...

 

It would have been interesting to see what would have happened if rather than a box of them in your nightstand at arms reach, you came up with a single rubber that was in your medicine cabinet, tucked away and it took you a couple of minutes to remember where you put it...

 

TFY

[smackie9]

That's ridiculous....so we must warn all women if they find a box of condoms in his nightstand, that should lead us to believe he's a player/man #$%^& and should just get up and walk out?

[some_username1]

That's ridiculous....so we must warn all women if they find a box of condoms in his nightstand, that should lead us to believe he's a player/man #$%^& and should just get up and walk out?

 

With respect thst is exactly what will happen! Everything is a red flag these days when it comes to men and excessive use of condoms would certainly be right up there as a heinous crime.

 

TFY had it spot on, there is a certain sleight of hand required in situations such as this and it is the same for both male and female. The less evidence you can give to the other person (justified or not) that you are sexually active with multiple people the better. TFY also had it right that for us more relationship minded guys (of which I consider myself one) we want to feel that there was something special about us that lead to sex happening in the first place, a box of condoms does nothing to enhance that belief, unfortunately.

 

Finally, a story: I was on a first date recently at a bar with table service and as I went to get my wallet out to pay the bill the condom that was gathering dust in the bottom of my pocket got pulled out, flipped into the air and landed embarrassingly on the table for my date to see. How many women reading this thread would have assumed that it meant that I was looking for a one night stand and ended the date right then and there? Or at the very least ended the date platonically and not seen me again?

Edited November 10, 2018 by some_username1

[Logo]

 

Finally, a story: I was on a first date recently at a bar with table service and as I went to get my wallet out to pay the bill the condom that was gathering dust in the bottom of my pocket got pulled out, flipped into the air and landed embarrassingly on the table for my date to see. How many women reading this thread would have assumed that it meant that I was looking for a one night stand and ended the date right then and there? Or at the very least ended the date platonically and not seen me again?

 

 

So she stayed?

 

 

 

Side note: If I were you, I would have immediately said, "Can you check the Use By date on that? I don't have my glasses on me."

[thefooloftheyear]

That's ridiculous....so we must warn all women if they find a box of condoms in his nightstand, that should lead us to believe he's a player/man #$%^& and should just get up and walk out?

 

I'll use the same analogy as in the other thread..

 

If a guy met a woman and on the first date he took her to TGIFridays and told her he had a 2 for 1 coupon, she'd probably never call him again...It sends a bad message, that she isn't special enough to go to a nicer place and not use a coupon.. Shed flake just like this guy did..

 

If they were in an established relationship it wouldn't be an issue...

 

Here is the thing...

 

She just met him...They had sex 24 hours later.. With the box of rubbers, now the whole package starts to look negative...For most guys, anyway..>Some wont sweat it, but if you play it differently, then no one can make any assumptions..

 

You would like to believe that we could live in a society where no one is judged negatively by anything they do...But its never the case...Human nature just doesn't allow it..

 

TFY

[TaintedLuv]

I'll use the same analogy as in the other thread..

 

If a guy met a woman and on the first date he took her to TGIFridays and told her he had a 2 for 1 coupon, she'd probably never call him again...It sends a bad message, that she isn't special enough to go to a nicer place and not use a coupon.. Shed flake just like this guy did..

 

If they were in an established relationship it wouldn't be an issue...

 

Here is the thing...

 

She just met him...They had sex 24 hours later.. With the box of rubbers, now the whole package starts to look negative...For most guys, anyway..>Some wont sweat it, but if you play it differently, then no one can make any assumptions..

 

You would like to believe that we could live in a society where no one is judged negatively by anything they do...But its never the case...Human nature just doesn't allow it..

 

TFY

Perhaps I wasn’t clear in my post. We slept together over a week after we first met. It was the fourth time we saw each other. IMO since he waited almost a week to mention it, it must’ve been something that bothered him. I don’t know if it was the condoms or the fact that we slept together after a week but I do believe it was related to that. FWIW I’m 35 and he’s 31. We’re not that young to use sex against someone. What I don’t get is why he led me on? We had a convo about wanting to pursue this a few days after we slept together and he was on board. Maybe he met someone else, who knows. It’s just unfortunate because I really never buy them but I knew it was going to happen that night. I didn’t want to be put in a position to have unprotected sex with a new partner. Jokes on me. </3

 

This was his last response:

 

“I'm sorry for hurting you. For your sake, I wish we hadn't slept together, even though I had a lot of fun. But I realized that I was not what you were looking for. I'm an a**hole. Just felt it was better to get it out, rather than string you along”.

 

I’m so glad he had FUN. I think I got played and he pretended to like me to get some. My feelings aren’t for his entertainment.

Edited November 10, 2018 by TaintedLuv

[Gretchen12]

Here's a simple rule that applies well to these confusing situations when you met online, he was so into you then suddenly drops you. There are only two explanations: 1. He just broke up with an ex and he was dating to feel better. 2. He has mental disorder(s).

 

(substitute "she" for "he" if this happened to a guy, same thing.)

 

That's it. No other reasons need to be considered because these explain the majority of cases. Why is that? 1. sooo many people will go online for an instant date when going through break up. 2. those with mental disorders keep failing, their relationships last only two weeks, so they keep going back online, that's why OLD is crowded with them.

 

What happened with this guy is not that unusual in online dating. There is no need to question whether you did anything wrong like having condoms or texted too much or too little. Follow my rule: it's either rebound or disorder.

 

And if the box of condoms was a big issue for him, I would categorize that under disorder because he had sex with you yet he can't handle you being sexually active. This contradictions is his confusion about himself, his mother, and sexuality. Teens are like this because their sense of self/sex is still forming. If he is much older and still hasn't sorted out this issue, it's not normal development.

[Gretchen12]

I just read your post above mine. Please, don't feel hurt. It was bad luck you bit into a rotten apple.

 

When asked why he was perpetually single, one messed up guy quoted Groucho Marx: I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member.

 

Some men with disorder will pull out all the stops to win you over and when they succeed, their self-loathing tells them "what's wrong with her that she would accept me?"

 

Here's another behavior of the ill-adjusted guy:

You text a lot, he thinks you're clingy.

You text not much, he thinks you're cold.

You text just the right amount, he thinks you're predictably boring.

 

Again, don't be hurt. Forget him.

[thefooloftheyear]

Perhaps I wasn’t clear in my post. We slept together over a week after we first met. It was the fourth time we saw each other. IMO since he waited almost a week to mention it, it must’ve been something that bothered him. I don’t know if it was the condoms or the fact that we slept together after a week but I do believe it was related to that. FWIW I’m 35 and he’s 31. We’re not that young to use sex against someone. What I don’t get is why he led me on? We had a convo about wanting to pursue this a few days after we slept together and he was on board. Maybe he met someone else, who knows. It’s just unfortunate because I really never buy them but I knew it was going to happen that night. I didn’t want to be put in a position to have unprotected sex with a new partner. Jokes on me. </3

 

This was his last response:

 

“I'm sorry for hurting you. For your sake, I wish we hadn't slept together, even though I had a lot of fun. But I realized that I was not what you were looking for. I'm an a**hole. Just felt it was better to get it out, rather than string you along”.

 

I’m so glad he had FUN. I think I got played and he pretended to like me to get some. My feelings aren’t for his entertainment.

 

I;m sorry for mis interpreting:(...It can be hard sometimes to get all the details correct from these stories..

 

I guess I really don't know for sure what his deal is...Could be what you are saying, or ??

 

It happens ...It may not necessarily mean that he used you, I guess you never know...The fact that he brought up the box of condoms could be an issue, but you don't know...I'd probably not do that in the future, anyway,,,May not matter to the next guy, but you have nothing to gain by it, IMO...

 

Be well..

 

TFY

[Mrs._December]

Perhaps I wasn’t clear in my post. We slept together over a week after we first met. It was the fourth time we saw each other. IMO since he waited almost a week to mention it, it must’ve been something that bothered him. I don’t know if it was the condoms or the fact that we slept together after a week but I do believe it was related to that.

 

Now it makes sense. I wasn't sure if you'd had sex yet with him or not but I see that you have.

 

He's just one of those butt-munches that pours on the charm and romances and compliments you by sending loads of texts and giving you tons of attention - until he gets himself laid. Then, he's suddenly got all kinds of excuses as to why he needs to back off. That condom box was just as good an excuse as any that he could have dreamed up for why he was doing a slow fade on you. However, the beauty of his lame condom box excuse (for him) made YOU look bad while painting himself as some kind of decent guy with morals rather than the greasy, sneaking, using little weasel he actually is.

 

 

You see this done all the time on dating sites. Some guys see it as a big game to pursue you until you have sex with them, then they're onto the next one and leaving you in the dust. It wasn't your condom box that caused him to fade on you, it was his lack of character and decency that did that.

[nospam99]

Here's a simple rule that applies well to these confusing situations when you met online, he was so into you then suddenly drops you. There are only two explanations: 1. He just broke up with an ex and he was dating to feel better. 2. He has mental disorder(s).

 

(substitute ''she'' for ''he'' if this happened to a guy, same thing.)

 

That's it. No other reasons need to be considered because these explain the majority of cases. Why is that? 1. sooo many people will go online for an instant date when going through break up. 2. those with mental disorders keep failing, their relationships last only two weeks, so they keep going back online, that's why OLD is crowded with them.

 

 

I'd say that's an overgeneralization. And I have a big problem with one of the conditions being 'he's into you'. How does the woman KNOW that the guy who drops her was into her? It's a subjective judgement call. I don't do 'post mortems' with my dating partners when we stop seeing each other. But (I like to think that) I'm polite, attentive, and affectionate enough that they MIGHT erroneously conclude that I was 'into them'. Just sayin'

 

Also FWIW, and it may be my demographic and picker, I have yet to meet a woman on OLD who was going through a break up, recently went through a break up, or appeared (to me) to have any kind of a mental disorder (unless not judging me to be 'a great catch' can be classified as such ).