StoicHusband Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I've been with this girl for about 7 months now. We live together. We don't have a crazy relationship. We don't argue or have much trouble until I go out and drink and then she is always hounding me to come home. I think that's because her best friend hangs out at the same places and she may think something is going on because of someone who butted in and outright lied. (If there was anything, I'd be honest on here because I genuinely need advice.) She used to like to drink but now she can't and I find it difficult to think of anything to do with her because she doesn't like anything I do. She comes home and immediately lays down in bed. When I join her I fall asleep immediately and wake up hours later, unfulfilled with my day. She doesn't wanna watch movies, go out (unless it's a restaurant), listen to music, play games, take walks, or anything I'd like to do. We still have great sex. We cuddle a lot (which I love SO MUCH) (but I have to ask her, she doesn't proactively do it). She isn't very affectionate, sometimes she kisses me when I get home, but not usually. This matters to me. I suppose typing this out has all but made up my mind. I guess I'm having difficulty because I really don't want to hurt her. She's going thru a hard time not being able to drink when all her friends do, I have taken week long breaks with her, but the moment I go out it starts over again. I appreciate any input and will answer any questions I can to make things clearer for those willing to offer advice.
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 It's doubly hard because you moved in together quickly. If alcohol was one of the only things holding you together & you can't find other activities, it's probably better to end this. You don't say why she can't drink & you allude to some hard times for her. You sound like a nice person so do be gracious & helpful with regard to her move out schedule.
awnoway Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) <SNIP> I suppose typing this out has all but made up my mind. I guess I'm having difficulty because I really don't want to hurt her. She's going thru a hard time not being able to drink when all her friends do, I have taken week long breaks with her, but the moment I go out it starts over again. it does sound like you have made up your mind. i put in bold reasons why you probably don’t want to continue it. you’re staying with her out of pity & because the sex is great. as someone who has seen ppl when only sex was what held us together i can tell you it doesn’t get better. at some point you’re gonna want more, you’re gonna want to feel fulfilled. don’t string her along because you feel bad for her!! you have to decide whether this is truly what you want while remembering you can’t change someone, only they can change themselves. hope this helps. only you know how you truly feel about the situation. we can’t give a definite yes or no Edited November 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cojack123 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 You also may want to re-evaluate what going out and drinking means. She may not trust being around you while you drink.
awnoway Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 also “she doesn’t like anything i do” sounds not good lol
Blanco Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Why did you get involved with another woman so soon after your ex-wife ended things? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I've been with this girl for about 7 months now. We live together.Why did you move in together so quickly? She's going thru a hard time not being able to drink when all her friends do, I have taken week long breaks with her, but the moment I go out it starts over again. What does this mean, exactly? A break from the relationship? It sounds as though you two rushed into this without actually getting to know each other and evaluating your true compatibility as a couple. You're discovering that you're not a great match. Breaking up will hurt her, but ultimately, staying with her out of pity will hurt her a lot more.
MermaidNat Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Hey, If you do really like her... why don’t you try to sit down with her and explain fully what these things are doing to you when it comes to how you feel about her? My ex that recently left failed to mention anything he didn’t like... I thought he loved things and didn’t really have any idea of things that were eating at how he felt about me until he had already decided it wasn’t working for him. If he had sat me down and been very straight with me I think I would’ve taken in all of his concerns and adjusted where it was fair to. Sometimes you actually do not know the other persons not getting what they wanted and need from you until it’s too late And given one persons idea of a happy relationships isn’t always the same as someone else’s it’d be good to get on the same page.... You’re going to hurt the person anyway when you leave so why not tell them what you want even if it hurts them a little bit it will be less than when they actually leave your life... From experience I would’ve loved to have known what was going on before it was too far... You might get what you want if you ask... Maybe even make some suggested agreements for when you go out drinking to make her feel more comfortable and you not feel badgered by her... ask her why she’s gets like that and what you can provide to make her relax when you go out... then set an agreement that meets both your needs... Truth hurts but I would rather that than have the person I love leave 1
Gretchen12 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 It sounds like you haven't tried to work it out. You are going to break up with her out of the blue. When people post their stories of being blindsided, I always believe the dumper knew what was wrong but never said anything and just "sudden" broke up. Actually it was not sudden for the dumper. I'm not saying you should try to work it out, maybe you know it's hopeless. Still you can soften the blow by pulling away a bit so she has some idea. Don't have passionate sex and cuddling then suddenly break up next morning.
snowboy91 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I was in a very similar situation - I was with someone who didn't share any of my interests. The relationship ended, but it lasted 6 years all up (we did find things to do together earlier on in the relationship, but that gradually faded). If you genuinely think things could get better, you need to discuss how you feel - about her not being proactively affectionate, or taking part in any activities you enjoy. Sure she can't drink at the moment, but surely you have other things you enjoy that don't involve drinking? From your post I don't think there's much to keep the relationship together, but you should at least try and discuss how you're feeling.
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Your wife left you less than a year ago, and when you picked yourself off the floor, you got with the first girl who showed any interest and moved in together. You bonded over no doubt a bit of desperation, sexual frustration, and alcohol and now she doesn't drink any more, you are seeing clearer, and realise you have really nothing in common. She was the rebound. Break up with her but do it gently. Rebounds often get very involved as the "hurt person" treats them like they are the love of their life, they then assume things are great and magical, to be let down with a bang when the "hurt person" wakes up... 1
Author StoicHusband Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 It's doubly hard because you moved in together quickly. If alcohol was one of the only things holding you together & you can't find other activities, it's probably better to end this. You don't say why she can't drink & you allude to some hard times for her. You sound like a nice person so do be gracious & helpful with regard to her move out schedule. Thanks man. Of course I would be cool to her. It's not gonna be that difficult tho. She would probably go back with her parents. it does sound like you have made up your mind. i put in bold reasons why you probably don’t want to continue it. you’re staying with her out of pity & because the sex is great. as someone who has seen ppl when only sex was what held us together i can tell you it doesn’t get better. at some point you’re gonna want more, you’re gonna want to feel fulfilled. don’t string her along because you feel bad for her!! you have to decide whether this is truly what you want while remembering you can’t change someone, only they can change themselves. hope this helps. only you know how you truly feel about the situation. we can’t give a definite yes or no Definitely not got my mind made up. I do certainly consider where it's all going, but something tells me I may just be thinking ahead when I shouldn't. You also may want to re-evaluate what going out and drinking means. She may not trust being around you while you drink. We met in a bar. I doubt there's a trust issue. She wants to drink but cannot. also “she doesn’t like anything i do” sounds not good lol She doesn't like anything I like. Was more what I meant. Why did you get involved with another woman so soon after your ex-wife ended things? Man, it was several months later. I had decided not to ever be with my ex again. I met this girl, she came home with me... we wanted more time together and the best way considering my work schedule (14+ hour days) was for her to be there when I get home. It just happened. It made sense. Why did you move in together so quickly? What does this mean, exactly? A break from the relationship? It sounds as though you two rushed into this without actually getting to know each other and evaluating your true compatibility as a couple. You're discovering that you're not a great match. Breaking up will hurt her, but ultimately, staying with her out of pity will hurt her a lot more. Possibly. I appreciate the advice. Hey, If you do really like her... why don’t you try to sit down with her and explain fully what these things are doing to you when it comes to how you feel about her? My ex that recently left failed to mention anything he didn’t like... I thought he loved things and didn’t really have any idea of things that were eating at how he felt about me until he had already decided it wasn’t working for him. If he had sat me down and been very straight with me I think I would’ve taken in all of his concerns and adjusted where it was fair to. Sometimes you actually do not know the other persons not getting what they wanted and need from you until it’s too late And given one persons idea of a happy relationships isn’t always the same as someone else’s it’d be good to get on the same page.... You’re going to hurt the person anyway when you leave so why not tell them what you want even if it hurts them a little bit it will be less than when they actually leave your life... From experience I would’ve loved to have known what was going on before it was too far... You might get what you want if you ask... Maybe even make some suggested agreements for when you go out drinking to make her feel more comfortable and you not feel badgered by her... ask her why she’s gets like that and what you can provide to make her relax when you go out... then set an agreement that meets both your needs... Truth hurts but I would rather that than have the person I love leave And if she does try to change... And can't? Would that not destroy a person entirely? There's a lot to consider there. It sounds like you haven't tried to work it out. You are going to break up with her out of the blue. When people post their stories of being blindsided, I always believe the dumper knew what was wrong but never said anything and just "sudden" broke up. Actually it was not sudden for the dumper. I'm not saying you should try to work it out, maybe you know it's hopeless. Still you can soften the blow by pulling away a bit so she has some idea. Don't have passionate sex and cuddling then suddenly break up next morning. That's great advice and I will take it to heart. It hits home and makes sense and is usable. Thank you. I was in a very similar situation - I was with someone who didn't share any of my interests. The relationship ended, but it lasted 6 years all up (we did find things to do together earlier on in the relationship, but that gradually faded). If you genuinely think things could get better, you need to discuss how you feel - about her not being proactively affectionate, or taking part in any activities you enjoy. Sure she can't drink at the moment, but surely you have other things you enjoy that don't involve drinking? From your post I don't think there's much to keep the relationship together, but you should at least try and discuss how you're feeling. You're right. Of course you are. Thank you as well. Your wife left you less than a year ago, and when you picked yourself off the floor, you got with the first girl who showed any interest and moved in together. You bonded over no doubt a bit of desperation, sexual frustration, and alcohol and now she doesn't drink any more, you are seeing clearer, and realise you have really nothing in common. She was the rebound. Break up with her but do it gently. Rebounds often get very involved as the "hurt person" treats them like they are the love of their life, they then assume things are great and magical, to be let down with a bang when the "hurt person" wakes up... This frightens me. I hope it's not true. I say that because I was actively careful not to do this. I didn't want to transfer my feelings and behavior form my (failed) marriage to this new relationship. I approached this with a beginners mindset. Maybe it's true that I'm an awesome boyfriend and this will hurt her. I don't know why I would have given it half effort though. I've been more honest and straightforward with her than any woman I've ever been with and it has paid off. --------------------------------------update--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry for not getting back to you all. It has been very difficult to be at my computer without her reading over my shoulder. So, a lot has happened since I posted. I've opened up quite a bit. I've stopped being cautious. I've let her know what I think. Basically what's going on is I'm not being gentle about the bull**** she does anymore. When she is withholding affection I let her know I don't appreciate it. When she is giving the silent treatment I ignore her. When she gets angry about me going out (which I do very seldom these days) I don't accept guilt. I've sort of "put my foot down". This relationship started to be something I don't want and instead of tucking tail and breaking up, I'm going to at least try to shape it into something that can make us both happy. Failing that, she will be aware of the reasons I am unhappy and the breakup won't be a shock to her. In considering breaking up, all the things I love about her have started to be more obvious to me and I'm going to give it my best shot. Any advice, as ever, is much appreciated. Happy holidays everyone.
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