wilson1 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Hi everyone, Back in the day i posted a thread about a girl that i was seeing (link to the thread here) . Long story short, i really liked her and thought we could have a serious relationship, which doesn't happen often to me, so i was really excited about this one. But one day she told me a story about her past that worried me. (see previous thread for details). We saw each other for a few months and in the meantime traveled 3 times to see each other in different cities (we are from different countries). I initially had some kind of fairy tale hopes with her in my mind and really wanted her to be the one. However, i somehow started losing trust in her, and everything went into a downward spiral. I guess we both ended up with some sort of resentment and just not treating each other nicely. But mostly towards the end she was treating me worse and worse, i guess to build up for letting go. We kept talking online every day after our last meeting a couple months ago, until about a month ago. And we were on and off toying with the idea of trying our relationship again. When she decided on her side to finish everything. According to her because "she cannot live with a guy who is obsessed with her past". This is the problem: It has been over a month of no contact and i am still not over it. I am quite depressed now and don't know how to finally move forward. I think about it every day multiple times per day, basically all the time. When i wake up first thing in the morning i start playing conversations with her in my mind over and over, and it totally drains my energy. I have a lot of questions and "what ifs". I wonder if it was all my fault that things didn't work out. I wonder if there could have been a fix for the relationship. I wonder if i was crazy for not trusting her. A part of me feels i haven't had proper closure and doesn't know how to find that closure. I wrote a million notes to myself of things i would say to her (in a private notepad in my computer), but its mostly emotional release and spitting things that don't really lead anywhere. I am sometimes very tempted to reach out to her to have a conversation and help find closure, but i don't know if that conversation could add anything at this point and then i refrain myself. This also happened at the same time that some financial problems arised in my life so maybe this is way this hit me harder than usual emotionally, but i am not sure. I just know i got totally obsessed with this story and it's not healthy. I have been suffering honestly since August (at the time of the first post). It's been over 3 months of suffering now and i know its not worth it, but i don't know how to move on. I even lost the capacity to look at other women anymore and no other women seem attractive to me, which is funny because before her i was sleeping with a lot of women and having the time of my life, but now i just can't get back to that. I also can't move forward and i simply feel stuck. Can someone please give me some tips on how to finally move on and be happy? how can i get closure? Should i not even think of ever contacting her again, or should i consider the idea of having some personal conversation with her?. And if i do see her in person what should i say?
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) Can someone please give me some tips on how to finally move on and be happy? how can i get closure? Should i not even think of ever contacting her again, or should i consider the idea of having some personal conversation with her?. And if i do see her in person what should i say? If you see her in person do not address any of this. She doesn't want to hear it & it will ring hollow any way. First you need to recognize your role in the demise of this relation. Your obsession with her past caused all these problems. You stopped trusting her with good reason Absent trust there is no foundation. If she wasn't worthy of your trust, you lost nothing by not having a relationship with her. Second you have to practice self control. That recognizes the past is the past & while how someone behaved in the past is some indication about how someone will behave in the future, it's not the only indication. People do change & mature as they grow up. It's not fair to judge a 30 year old on something they did at 18 but haven't done again. However what really got you was that she wasn't remorseful for her cheating just mad she got caught. Finally closure comes from you, not the other person. She has no words that are going to magically make you feel better. Stop searching for them. Remind yourself that this didn't work out & you have to let it go. Perhaps date locally because you are not trusting enough to have all the distance of an LDR. You need more reassurance then that, especially from someone who believes in cheating. Edited November 8, 2018 by d0nnivain
Author wilson1 Posted November 8, 2018 Author Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) Thank you d0nnivain. I thought a lot about flying and having a conversation with her in person, since our breakup was over text. I also thought about writing her a long letter just to release all my feelings. Do you think any of the above would help? I just feel emotionally stuck. And i feel like iin her mind i ended up being the bad guy for not trusting her. Edited November 8, 2018 by wilson1
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Do not fly. That is just throwing good money after bad & it won't change anything. Do write the letter but don't send it. You do need to get all your feelings out to purge all the bad. So write 'til your heart's content. Then fold it up & put it in a drawer. BTW, write, don't type. Leave the letter in a drawer for a week, then re-read it. Think about what you said & how it makes you feel. Write more if you need to then stick that in a drawer for another week. When you have it all out & on paper, go somewhere safe & contained. Light the letter on fire. Watch the flames consume the paper. Watch the smoke rise. As the smoke drifts up & away let go of all this.
Author wilson1 Posted November 8, 2018 Author Posted November 8, 2018 I have heard about this technique a few times but i have never actually done it. Have you personally done it? Do you feel that writing and burning a letter actually helps, vs actually sending the letter? Cheers
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Yes, writing down your feelings always helps It's why mental health professionals recommend journaling. I have never seen or heard about the recipients of such letters being happy to get them. I have heard about them using the letters to humiliate the senders by sharing them or worst posting them on social media. In a controlled safe context I have found that watching letters or pictures burn is cathartic. I am not advocating arson or some other huge conflagration. Just a few pieces of paper in a fire place or fire pit. Safety first.
BMWN52 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Thank you d0nnivain. I thought a lot about flying and having a conversation with her in person, since our breakup was over text. I also thought about writing her a long letter just to release all my feelings. Do you think any of the above would help? I just feel emotionally stuck. And i feel like iin her mind i ended up being the bad guy for not trusting her. Honestly, the best thing you can do is continue no contact, breaking up over a text is lame and spineless way to deal with the situation. The "illusion of action". I was engaged earlier this year, I lost my cool and basically chased away my fiance when she wanted to move out and have " space". Writing emotional letters, texts, facebook msg's. None of that works. Hell, I even drove 1,000 miles to Portland for a girl to try and " fix things". Women are like cats, the more you chase the further that cat is going to run down the street and disappear. Take it from me, the best course of action is disappear and see how things are in a month. From my experience, women usually make up their minds well ahead of what a man is thinking. They'll lead you on and dump you when their emotionally ready to do so. This leaves guys hanging out to dry usually, women move on quickly bro. Women are strange creatures. My ex fiance came from a military family, at the time I was in the military myself. I went on a training mission after she dumped me, that was very hard and I lost my focus effecting my readiness. Oddly enough we fixed things, when I went off for an exercise she couldn't stand being alone in our apartment for 3-4 weeks alone, so she took a train to meet me near the base lol. Point being is don't chase them, it's not like the movies or romantic. Maybe some women find this " romantic" in the beginning but during a breakup, they see this as an act of desperation and weakness. You don't want to fly to a city only to find yourself being rejected and alone, that's what happened to me. Not fun going through a break up in a motel room by yourself. Bottom line... Just focus on other things, work out, talk to new women. If she reaches out to you than great, if she doesn't then you know where you stand. Edited November 9, 2018 by BMWN52
Lotsgoingon Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I mean depends ... If I were suffering as you describe, I would head to therapy ... because I would sense that something deep has been triggered within me ... Your agony is NOT just about this woman. You know that, I assume. The breakup with this woman has unveiled deeper insecurities ... and you're ducking from facing those insecurities by reviewing and rethinking all that you did in the relationship. Reviewing your actions--excellent! ... But ... not if you're doing that out of insecurities ...
TheFinalWord Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 Yeah, if you are obsessing over this months later, you need to talk to someone because you can't go on like this. Writing her of flying to see her won't change anything. All it will do is get your hopes up, and you will just be let down again. What's done is done and you have to keep yourself busy. Don't just sit in bed all day thinking about it. Stay busy and you'll notice over time you start thinking about her less and less. Time combined with re-directing your mental energy will heal you.
Larry56 Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 Okay closure. I think you gotta have some understanding to begin with on why you feel bad about being affected by her cheating story. There are two types of women who cheat. Women who cheat because they are cheaters....these types are doing it all the time and they just are that way. The second kind of woman that cheats is usually the one who does it when they are young and inexperienced...meaning they haven't developed much of a moral code around relationships. You said it affected you that she cheated on a girl who had a boyfriend. But here is something you gotta understand about women. As much as you want a woman who only has eyes for you and only you. Unless you're the best deal a woman can get....she's going to be looking around to see what else is out there. Women actually are more attracted to guys who are taken then ones who have been single for a long time. They won't tell you this but we know it from experience.
Author wilson1 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 Thank you for the responses guy. Actually i did fly to see her. I will probably write the story in a separate thread.
smackie9 Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 Thank you for the responses guy. Actually i did fly to see her. I will probably write the story in a separate thread. We are watching this thread, so why not give us an update.
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