some_username1 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 That's true. But the argument you're making seems to imply that a person should have backups at all times. You did include exclusive and married. Be that as it may, I see a difference between making the decision to continue dating a woman that I like after getting to know her a little, say three dates, as opposed to dating 3 or 4 women at the same time and then either ending it with all of them or picking the one that I feel is the best match out of the 4 after, how long? 6 or 10 dates? 4 to 6 dates? Three dates seems reasonable, 6 to 10 is simply stringing someone along. And there are people out there who do that. I don't think it's fair to the other person, male or female. I'm of the opinion that when a person multidates, he or she is inevitably going to compare the people he or she is dating to each other instead of finding the best match. It's kind of like comparing someone you've just started dating to your ex after a fresh breakup. Slightly off on a tangent here, I have a friend who has a 'type', physically. He's so hung up on it that if a woman doesn't meet that type to a T, he's not going to bother being exclusive with her. She could be a good match, they might have great chemistry, but he still won't bother. Sometimes I have the urge to be blunt with him and tell him that it's not a car that he can custom build online and then click "search inventory" to find it at a local dealership or have it built at the factory. He's been searching for years, despite perfectly good matches coming and going. But I digress. Exactly! The logistics alone are frightening- imagine dating 3 people especially as a guy where you tend to pay more, doing that x3 for 4 or 5 dates EACH. Who has got the time, energy and money for all that? I tried it once, I had 3 girls I was dating and I couldn't remeber details about their lives or got details confused making me a poor conversationalist and then one of them wanted exclusivity after the 3rd date when I had my heart set on another one who was also multi-dating so I either had to commit to the one I wanted less or possibly miss out altogether. So in the end I ditched the other two out of duress and ended up with what turned out to be the worst option for me, personally, all because I wasn't concentrating fully on her qualities because I was spending so much time dating others. Now if that was exhausting to read just imagine how exhausting it was to experience!
central Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Multi-dating is efficient and effective. It does not mean stringing anyone along for months, it simply means meeting any and all reasonable options if the opportunity exists, and deciding (usually in at most 3 dates, and often less) if any are suitable to continue dating. I think mono-daters - or serial daters - do so because they may simply not have more options, and resent dating anyone who does have options. If they are not generally successful in dating, I think they are more likely to continue to try to date someone who is marginal or a bad match, rather than be alone while continuing to look. Multi-daters - NOT players or those who will never commit - usually have more dating experience. That makes it easier for them to evaluate a new prospect quickly to determine compatibility - they have no need to date several for months, because they know within two or three dates if someone is a good match. They can make better choices, because they've have a greater basis of comparison - they don't have to settle for someone who may not be a good match. Besides gaining experience to make better choices, multi-daters can often find a great, long-term match much faster than serial daters, because they don't need to start from scratch when current prospects don't work out. They can quickly meet someone new, or go on another date with someone still in the evaluation phase. If I'd serial dated, I'd never have met my wife, who was (and still is) as ideal a match for me as I could ever hope. Only multi-dating made this possible. I had also met some other very good prospects, but they would not have been great long-term matches. I had enough experience and basis for comparison, to see this and focus on her until we decided to be exclusive.
Author Logo Posted November 9, 2018 Author Posted November 9, 2018 I was responding to the OP about the handbag comparison and how he could be "returned" after 60 days. As if there was some guarantee or return policy for dating. As for backups, not at all times, but yes if I am dating someone (exclusive or not) and things are starting to go south, I am going to start putting out feelers for a new person. I may even date more than one woman as I search out her replacement. I know for a fact women do it too... I've been "monkey branched" a few times myself. That's your prerogative. I respectfully disagree, though. Just because someting's been done to me, or because women do it, I personally refuse to do it to other people. I know, it may not be practical or realistic, but I don't want to wake up one day and think, I don't recognize myself anymore. What am I doing? Not to exaggerate, but I feel that it's a slippery slope. Once I push one boundary, I'm going to push another and another and then one day I'm going to find myself cheating on someone. Maybe. Maybe not. But that's how I feel. Using a job analogy, I don't like treating the person I'm dating or seeing exclusively as an employer, seeking another employer while keeping my current job. My ex was in the process of monkey branching. It was toward the end, and I knew things were going south. I don't want to be like her and I don't want to have anything to do with her. Matter of fact, I found some love letters the other day. At first I got sentimental, then I remembered that her words meant nothing. Into the shredder they all went.
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Just out of curiosity... Lets say you meet this guy Paul...He's seemingly awesome...Everything you want in a guy...You go out on a date on a Tuesday...Things go great...You decide to call him and ask him if he's free on Friday for a second date...He says …."oh....so sorry Lavender, I have a date already scheduled with Amanda for Friday...Perhaps we can do something next week...I'll reach out to you then" I mean, that's ok for you, right? Can't claim every day, no? Eh...from what I know of most women, my gut tells me you will be pretty aggravated/hurt over it, and spending the entire time stalking his social media and trying to see what Amanda looks like, how big her boobs are compared to yours, if he's putting pictures of the two of them together, and how attractive she is, etc.. Or will you just patiently wait your turn, hoping that he finds you to be better than Amanda, or any other woman he's dating/banging...?? And if after a couple of weeks, he does decide to pick you, whos to say it was because you were the best of the lot? Maybe it was because all the other women bailed and you were the fallback option...Sounds great, right? If that's just how its done, and everythings cool for everyone, then what can I say?? ...but I dunno… I don't think most people are down with it.. TFY Just because I think Paul is awesome, doesn’t mean it is reciprocated. Also Paul can just say he has plans, he doesn’t meed to mention Amanda. I assume multi-dating until proven otherwise. I don’t expect people to stop exploring until we have mutually decided we connect well and do jot want to keep testing the waters. Sure it sucks if you meet someone you think is great and it isn’t reciprocated, but that can happen in every scenario.
Author Logo Posted November 9, 2018 Author Posted November 9, 2018 I'm trying to be more pragmatic. I thought about it a little more and I'm starting to come around to the idea that multidating isn't so bad. Suppose I set a 3 date limit for myself and keep my eyes peeled, then it's more practical and I get to decide. That way I get to know her and she won't be able to string me along. The tricky part is keeping the dates simple while at the same time impressing her. But maybe if someone is into you, they're just into you without all the fancy dinners and all that. On a lighter note.... Date 1: Drinks - We split the check. Date 2: McDonald's - My treat Date 3: Pizza - My treat. At that rate I'll gain weight and increase my risk of having a coronary heart disease.
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I'm trying to be more pragmatic. I thought about it a little more and I'm starting to come around to the idea that multidating isn't so bad. Suppose I set a 3 date limit for myself and keep my eyes peeled, then it's more practical and I get to decide. That way I get to know her and she won't be able to string me along. The tricky part is keeping the dates simple while at the same time impressing her. But maybe if someone is into you, they're just into you without all the fancy dinners and all that. GOOD idea! you understand that multi-dating at the very beginning will benefit YOU also. Date 1: Coffee & cake and ALWAYS pick the bill Date 2: Who doesn't like downtown smoke-meat place? You pick the bill Date 3: Movie and the date is on her if she is half smart
some_username1 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 GOOD idea! you understand that multi-dating at the very beginning will benefit YOU also. Date 1: Coffee & cake and ALWAYS pick the bill Date 2: Who doesn't like downtown smoke-meat place? You pick the bill Date 3: Movie and the date is on her if she is half smart Ha! Doing your bit for the sisterhood by recommending multi-dating whilst suggesting the guy pays for dinner on the second date. Strewth...second dates are rarely hard to come by so that will soon add up If you have any sense OP you will make a girl 'earn' dinner by being consistent over a number of dates in the same way that a man 'earns' sex from a woman by being a stand up guy. It's no different. Trust me I speak from experience as someone who always paid for dinner on the second date and yet found myself ghosted a couple of dates later. Second dates mean *nothing* in the grand scheme of things, treat it as extension of the first date and keep your wallet in your pocket until you are on a surer footing.
snowcones Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 For me, if a guy doesn't ASK me to be his girlfriend and exclusive, I will assume that we are not, and that includes him not being exclusive to me too. I make no assumptions these days, it has to be said or it didn't happen. I won't ask the guy but I will tell him (nicely) that I expect him to ask me before it happens. 1
GTR King Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Normally I multi date if the girls i am seeing are on the 1st/2nd date stage after 3 dates I usually stick to one if that doesn't work then o well I move on... If I meet someone who I have a strong connection with then I don't multi date.. I think dating 2-3 people is fine at the start but once u get passed a few dates one person is enough 1
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I'm trying to be more pragmatic. I thought about it a little more and I'm starting to come around to the idea that multidating isn't so bad. Suppose I set a 3 date limit for myself and keep my eyes peeled, then it's more practical and I get to decide. That way I get to know her and she won't be able to string me along. The tricky part is keeping the dates simple while at the same time impressing her. But maybe if someone is into you, they're just into you without all the fancy dinners and all that. On a lighter note.... Date 1: Drinks - We split the check. Date 2: McDonald's - My treat Date 3: Pizza - My treat. At that rate I'll gain weight and increase my risk of having a coronary heart disease. Yes the date doesn’t need to be a big production. One of my favorites is to just go to a museum. I am a member at a local one, every Friday they have food trucks, a bar stand and live music. So I like to meet people there, walk around the exhibits. If it is fun we get some food. If not everyone goes home. The admission is $7 that night, of course it is free for me for 2. Cheap and informative date. Most places have free or cheap things to do. Comedy shows, art gallery openings or a walk in a park. It is more about taking a few outings to get to know someone.
salparadise Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I would never allow myself to be "shopped" by anyone... ever...If they aren't good with that, then they can go find someone else...That's just me...It's got nothing to do with whether or not any "proclamation of exclusivity" exists or not... If I was with someone that I didn't think enough of that I would be actively looking elsewhere, then why would I bother even being with that person in the first place? This is pretty much how I see it too. My significant relationships have been exclusive from the beginning, but with no proclamations. I was confident that they weren't multi-dating, and I think they felt the same. When the chemistry and intention are right, I just know. Of course there are complexities... it doesn't even matter until about the third date because the first date is just a first date, the second date establishes that there is mutual interest, and the third is like... okay, now we're dating. The third date is also when first sex is most likely to happen, and if not intention will be expressed somehow. In my previous relationship we were having Sunday breakfast at my place after we'd been dating about a year. Somehow the subject of declarations came up. She asked, "you know, we never had that talk, so do you consider us to be exclusive?" I said, "absolutely! do you not feel that we've had that understanding all along?" She said yes, that she felt we'd had that understanding but since the subject came up... we had a little laugh about it. I can see how this might not be the same for everyone, but in my experience you're both investing enough and expressing intention (perhaps nonverbally) by the third date that you'd be unlikely to misread the situation. That depends on the other person's personality and communication style too I suppose. If I was beyond the third date with someone and found out they were going out with other men at that point––done, next. I would also expect them to take down their online dating profiles by that point.
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 I tried it once, I had 3 girls I was dating and I couldn't remeber details about their lives or got details confused making me a poor conversationalist and then one of them wanted exclusivity after the 3rd date when I had my heart set on another one who was also multi-dating so I either had to commit to the one I wanted less or possibly miss out altogether. So in the end I ditched the other two out of duress and ended up with what turned out to be the worst option for me, personally, all because I wasn't concentrating fully on her qualities because I was spending so much time dating others. Now if that was exhausting to read just imagine how exhausting it was to experience! Maybe that is why some rely on text so much, written evidence they can consult later, or put on a spread sheet somewhere...
Author Logo Posted November 10, 2018 Author Posted November 10, 2018 (edited) {snip} In my previous relationship we were having Sunday breakfast at my place after we'd been dating about a year. Somehow the subject of declarations came up. She asked, "you know, we never had that talk, so do you consider us to be exclusive?" I said, "absolutely! do you not feel that we've had that understanding all along?" She said yes, that she felt we'd had that understanding but since the subject came up... we had a little laugh about it. I can see how this might not be the same for everyone, but in my experience you're both investing enough and expressing intention (perhaps nonverbally) by the third date that you'd be unlikely to misread the situation. That depends on the other person's personality and communication style too I suppose. If I was beyond the third date with someone and found out they were going out with other men at that point––done, next. I would also expect them to take down their online dating profiles by that point. Did you meet in person? Or online? Reading your post, I kept thinking, That's exactly how I used to date. That's it! Right there! No games, mutual understanding........ I met my ex in person, IRL. But after she cheated on me, and after I saw with my own eyes how someone can be fake and lie so effortlessly, I can't bring myself to trust that mutual understanding that I used to rely on and that you describe in your post. I feel like I need to rely on body language and play detective, looking for inconsistencies to gauge the other person's intentions. I feel like my world with regard to dating has been turned upside down. For some reason I can't seem to get a date IRL anymore. I have tried. I don't know why. So I've resorted to OLD, but it's a cesspool and it's not going too well. Edited November 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2018 Posted November 11, 2018 It sounds to me as if you're not over the betrayal. We've all been burned in different ways, intentional or not. You need to get yourself to a strong and light-hearted state to have any fun in dating. Time is the great healer! I don't multi-date. How insulting to juggle people like shows in one's DVR.
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