Logo Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Would you ask someone if they are multidating and how early on would it be ok to ask the question? First time you meet?
Redhead14 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Would you ask someone if they are multidating and how early on would it be ok to ask the question? First time you meet? I wouldn't ask them. I would make a statement about my dating goal and then let them tell me what theirs' is. It doesn't have to happen on the first date, but at least by the second and certainly by the 3rd date. You might as well find out if your dating prospect is on the same page you are early. It's just a casual, general conversation. If one is only dating casually and the other is looking to have a relationship/marriage, then you're not on the same page to start with. Even if they say their looking for relationship, you still have to observe whether they date you that way for a bit.
Happy Lemming Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 In my opinion, you can multi-date until you become exclusive. So I wouldn't ask until I am ready to have the "exclusive relationship" speech... Just my two cents... 3
Author Logo Posted November 8, 2018 Author Posted November 8, 2018 That’s the thing, I don’t like multidating and I want to be sure that she has the same long term goals. I like to ‘experience’ one person and get to know her. It’d be a waste of my time to date someone for a few months only to find out that she is not looking to date that way, like me. 1
Redhead14 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 That’s the thing, I don’t like multidating and I want to be sure that she has the same long term goals. I like to ‘experience’ one person and get to know her. It’d be a waste of my time to date someone for a few months only to find out that she is not looking to date that way, like me. Two adults communicating effectively from the get go hurts no one.
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 In my opinion, you can multi-date until you become exclusive. So I wouldn't ask until I am ready to have the "exclusive relationship" speech... Just my two cents... I’m with you. Until we are feeling like there is somethig there, no need to only date one person. No need to play all the cards. 1
grays Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I’d wait at least a few dates just to see if there’s reason to believe you’re both digging each other. Sometimes I’m multidating and sometimes not, depending how busy I am with other stuff. But whether I am or not, I’m always hoping to run across someone I’m crazy enough about to become exclusive. But if someone brought up exclusivity in the first three dates or so I’d feel a little creeped out. I don’t think you have to wait months. Maybe two or three weeks, though.
Chilli Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 l'd never be interested in a girl that knew so little about herself and lacked such little presence of intuition anyway. But if l was interested but maybe suspected, l'd be sure asking in a few minutes about all that first so as not to waste my time.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Don't ask them.....tell them.... If it's something you aren't ok with, then you need to bring that up at the outset... I see this a lot on here, yet never experienced, IRL...I am not in the game, but I would never allow myself to be "shopped" by anyone... ever...If they aren't good with that, then they can go find someone else...That's just me...It's got nothing to do with whether or not any "proclamation of exclusivity" exists or not... I dunno...If I was with someone that I didn't think enough of that I would be actively looking elsewhere, then why would I bother even being with that person in the first place?? makes no sense...to me, anyway.. If it's an issue for you, don't ask them, just let them know how you feel about it... TFY 5
Chilli Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) Don't ask them.....tell them.... If it's something you aren't ok with, then you need to bring that up at the outset... I see this a lot on here, yet never experienced, IRL...I am not in the game, but I would never allow myself to be "shopped" by anyone... ever...If they aren't good with that, then they can go find someone else...That's just me...It's got nothing to do with whether or not any "proclamation of exclusivity" exists or not... I dunno...If I was with someone that I didn't think enough of that I would be actively looking elsewhere, then why would I bother even being with that person in the first place?? makes no sense...to me, anyway.. If it's an issue for you, don't ask them, just let them know how you feel about it... TFY Yep , exactly. You just did a better job explaining it all than me haha but that's all the rest of the story to me. l wouldn't even consider being on some effg list or playing second fiddle to anyone. l can't believe people round here even do it myself, never experienced it either but l'd be surely showing her the door if l'd ever come across it. Edited November 8, 2018 by Chilli 1
Gaeta Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Don't ever ask that question, it's a really bad move that will make you appear weak. You give the woman 3-4 dates, it's not the end of the world. You too need that time to decide if she is worth dating. After that 3-4 dates you tell her that you're interested in only dating her from now on to get a better chance at getting to know her. She will agree or disagree. If she disagree just move on to next. After 3-4 dates men and women know if they're interested or not. 2
some_username1 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Yep , exactly. You just did a better job explaining it all than me haha but that's all the rest of the story to me. l wouldn't even consider being on some effg list or playing second fiddle to anyone. l can't believe people round here even do it myself, never experienced it either but l'd be surely showing her the door if l'd ever come across it. Good luck with that, in my (considerable) online dating experience the women all multi-date without exception. Which is fine...if they are honest about it. However their goal is to do what is best for themselves and that is put you where they want you by telling you they don't multi-date and they don't date men who do either. Then a few weeks in you inevitably find inconsistencies in their description of what they did last Friday night and realise that what they meant was "I don't date multi-daters however I will do as I please". Honestly, I can't recall a woman actually being up front and telling me she is dating others and that isn't something I would forget as it would be a bit awkward explaining that I respect the honesty but that doesn't work for me! So if, like me, you prefer to concentrate on one person at a time then an eye for detail and the ability to spot a lie is essential, sadly.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Good luck with that, in my (considerable) online dating experience the women all multi-date without exception. Which is fine...if they are honest about it. However their goal is to do what is best for themselves and that is put you where they want you by telling you they don't multi-date and they don't date men who do either. Then a few weeks in you inevitably find inconsistencies in their description of what they did last Friday night and realise that what they meant was "I don't date multi-daters however I will do as I please". Honestly, I can't recall a woman actually being up front and telling me she is dating others and that isn't something I would forget as it would be a bit awkward explaining that I respect the honesty but that doesn't work for me! So if, like me, you prefer to concentrate on one person at a time then an eye for detail and the ability to spot a lie is essential, sadly. It's real simple... When you are dealing from a position of power, then you don't allow others to dictate the terms... No disrespect, but it's just another reason why you don't find quality men doing OLD.. TFY 1
Chilli Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) Good luck with that, in my (considerable) online dating experience the women all multi-date without exception. Which is fine...if they are honest about it. However their goal is to do what is best for themselves and that is put you where they want you by telling you they don't multi-date and they don't date men who do either. Then a few weeks in you inevitably find inconsistencies in their description of what they did last Friday night and realise that what they meant was "I don't date multi-daters however I will do as I please". Honestly, I can't recall a woman actually being up front and telling me she is dating others and that isn't something I would forget as it would be a bit awkward explaining that I respect the honesty but that doesn't work for me! So if, like me, you prefer to concentrate on one person at a time then an eye for detail and the ability to spot a lie is essential, sadly. Never been a problem, the only woman l'd go for would be as honed in on me as l was her. But l don't think anyone even does it much here anyway, l'd say you need to raise the bar if your having to deal with that though. That and again what TF has said. Edited November 8, 2018 by Chilli
central Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I multi-dated, as did most of the women I met. When I finally met someone who was clearly extraordinary - and it was clearly mutual - we agreed we'd be exclusive (well, at least until we decided to have an open, polyamorous relationship).
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I don’t see waht the issue is. First off, does everyone agree what dating is? For me it is hanging out to get to know someone. Dating vs friendship means your goal romance and not just companionship. Why should I stop getting to know people if I am not yet sure you are the one that matches my current objectives? There are seven days in a week, do you plan on claiming all of them? 2
Author Logo Posted November 9, 2018 Author Posted November 9, 2018 Why should I stop getting to know people if I am not yet sure you are the one that matches my current objectives? There are seven days in a week, do you plan on claiming all of them? You come across as upset or riled up. I’m not sure why. Do I plan on claiming all seven days? No. But like fooloftgeyear wrote, “I don’t allow myself to be shopped by anyone”. Why should I stop getting to know people if I am not yet sure you are the one that matches my current objectives? How long does it take for you to be sure? Assuming one date a week, will it take a month, two months, three months? And after seeing someone for 2 months are you going to tell him, “Sorry. I prefer the other handbag / man. You do have a 90 day return policy right?” You get my point. I date, one person at a time. If after three dates I’m still not sure, then it’s most likely not a good match. Then I move on to date someone else. But I won’t date 3 or 4 women at a time and 2 months down the road decide that Jessica is the best fit of them all. Life is not an episode of the Bachelorette or the Bachelor. 1
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 You come across as upset or riled up. I’m not sure why. Do I plan on claiming all seven days? No. But like fooloftgeyear wrote, “I don’t allow myself to be shopped by anyone”. How long does it take for you to be sure? Assuming one date a week, will it take a month, two months, three months? And after seeing someone for 2 months are you going to tell him, “Sorry. I prefer the other handbag / man. You do have a 90 day return policy right?” You get my point. I date, one person at a time. If after three dates I’m still not sure, then it’s most likely not a good match. Then I move on to date someone else. But I won’t date 3 or 4 women at a time and 2 months down the road decide that Jessica is the best fit of them all. Life is not an episode of the Bachelorette or the Bachelor. So you are telling me if you meet Jessica and Susan in the same week, you aren’t going to have coffee with Susan till Jessica has been vetted? As for dating, it really depends. Some people you are sure right away, and other people take some warming up. Maybe it’s 3 dates. Maybe it’s one. But I’m only single dating when we are exclusive. If you want to be exclusive lock it down.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) So you are telling me if you meet Jessica and Susan in the same week, you aren’t going to have coffee with Susan till Jessica has been vetted? As for dating, it really depends. Some people you are sure right away, and other people take some warming up. Maybe it’s 3 dates. Maybe it’s one. But I’m only single dating when we are exclusive. If you want to be exclusive lock it down. Just out of curiosity... Lets say you meet this guy Paul...He's seemingly awesome...Everything you want in a guy...You go out on a date on a Tuesday...Things go great...You decide to call him and ask him if he's free on Friday for a second date...He says …."oh....so sorry Lavender, I have a date already scheduled with Amanda for Friday...Perhaps we can do something next week...I'll reach out to you then" I mean, that's ok for you, right? Can't claim every day, no? Eh...from what I know of most women, my gut tells me you will be pretty aggravated/hurt over it, and spending the entire time stalking his social media and trying to see what Amanda looks like, how big her boobs are compared to yours, if he's putting pictures of the two of them together, and how attractive she is, etc.. Or will you just patiently wait your turn, hoping that he finds you to be better than Amanda, or any other woman he's dating/banging...?? And if after a couple of weeks, he does decide to pick you, whos to say it was because you were the best of the lot? Maybe it was because all the other women bailed and you were the fallback option...Sounds great, right? If that's just how its done, and everythings cool for everyone, then what can I say?? ...but I dunno… I don't think most people are down with it.. TFY Edited November 9, 2018 by thefooloftheyear 1
Happy Lemming Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 And after seeing someone for 2 months are you going to tell him, “Sorry. I prefer the other handbag / man. You do have a 90 day return policy right?” Do you think there is some guarantee that if you date someone for two months that they will stay with you for an extended period of time?? Someone you are dating can dump you at any time, without warning or explanation. Even if you are "exclusive" or even married, if the other person wants to leave, they dump you and leave. Dating is a competition (best looking, most confident or exciting, best date planner, best lover, etc.) the best competitor gets the best prize. "To the winner, go the spoils..." (paraphrased) - Senator William Learned Marcy
some_username1 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Do you think there is some guarantee that if you date someone for two months that they will stay with you for an extended period of time?? Someone you are dating can dump you at any time, without warning or explanation. Even if you are "exclusive" or even married, if the other person wants to leave, they dump you and leave. Dating is a competition (best looking, most confident or exciting, best date planner, best lover, etc.) the best competitor gets the best prize. "To the winner, go the spoils..." (paraphrased) - Senator William Learned Marcy I would say if the person you are dating is putting you through the dating version of the Hunger Games then that person is not right for you and you should think carefully about walking away while you can still retain some self-respect...
Happy Lemming Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I would say if the person you are dating is putting you through the dating version of the Hunger Games then that person is not right for you and you should think carefully about walking away while you can still retain some self-respect... I don't know what the "Hunger Games" is. If you explain more, I will respond.
Author Logo Posted November 9, 2018 Author Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Do you think there is some guarantee that if you date someone for two months that they will stay with you for an extended period of time?? Someone you are dating can dump you at any time, without warning or explanation. Even if you are "exclusive" or even married, if the other person wants to leave, they dump you and leave. Dating is a competition (best looking, most confident or exciting, best date planner, best lover, etc.) the best competitor gets the best prize. "To the winner, go the spoils..." (paraphrased) - Senator William Learned Marcy That's true. But the argument you're making seems to imply that a person should have backups at all times. You did include exclusive and married. Be that as it may, I see a difference between making the decision to continue dating a woman that I like after getting to know her a little, say three dates, as opposed to dating 3 or 4 women at the same time and then either ending it with all of them or picking the one that I feel is the best match out of the 4 after, how long? 6 or 10 dates? 4 to 6 dates? Three dates seems reasonable, 6 to 10 is simply stringing someone along. And there are people out there who do that. I don't think it's fair to the other person, male or female. I'm of the opinion that when a person multidates, he or she is inevitably going to compare the people he or she is dating to each other instead of finding the best match. It's kind of like comparing someone you've just started dating to your ex after a fresh breakup. Slightly off on a tangent here, I have a friend who has a 'type', physically. He's so hung up on it that if a woman doesn't meet that type to a T, he's not going to bother being exclusive with her. She could be a good match, they might have great chemistry, but he still won't bother. Sometimes I have the urge to be blunt with him and tell him that it's not a car that he can custom build online and then click "search inventory" to find it at a local dealership or have it built at the factory. He's been searching for years, despite perfectly good matches coming and going. But I digress. Edited November 9, 2018 by Logo 1
some_username1 Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I don't know what the "Hunger Games" is. If you explain more, I will respond. I'm being flippant but essentially saying if you are being played off against X number of other guys after the 2nd date then you should think hard about your life choices. I just went through it myself: I went on 4 dates with a girl over a month (paying for dinner etc) but she was only available on weeknights, rescheduled Saturday dates, still updating Tinder etc. If you are still playing the field a month later then I don't see how she could have had any regard for me at all so I bowed out. She was another one who told me on the first date she doesn't multi- date and doesn't like guys who do...
Happy Lemming Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 That's true. But the argument you're making seems to imply that a person should have backups at all times. You did include exclusive and married. I was responding to the OP about the handbag comparison and how he could be "returned" after 60 days. As if there was some guarantee or return policy for dating. As for backups, not at all times, but yes if I am dating someone (exclusive or not) and things are starting to go south, I am going to start putting out feelers for a new person. I may even date more than one woman as I search out her replacement. I know for a fact women do it too... I've been "monkey branched" a few times myself.
Recommended Posts