Should I move on? Incompatibility? Or Am I too demanding?

[lilyss92]

Hi everyone, it is my first time there and I really need your views. Sorry for the following mistakes by the way, english is not my native language.

 

So I met a guy on a dating app 3 months ago. We talked for a while before meeting because we were both on holidays (August!).

 

Then, we finally saw each other and it was like we already knew each other. It was natural, simple and I guess we were on the same page because we both wanted things to be slow at the beginning. I did not want to rush things or anything even though after the third date I told my friends that he looked like the right guy haha. I could control my feelings pretty easily.

 

We had sex around the 3 or 4 date and it was amazing. We both agreed that we had an amazing sexual connection.

 

Well, everything seemed really perfect then I started to realize that I did not like some things about our "relationship".

 

And I honestly don't know if it is me, If I am too demanding at this stage of the relationship or if it is a sign of incompatibility.

 

- We don't text everyday.

It was OK at the beginning because he told me that he had not dated anyone for a very long time so I did not want to pressure him or force him to do something. I was like "ok, I will get used to it." He does not text me every day, but he always does the first step and asks me to do something. But now, after two months, I feel like it is always the same thing. We can spend 3 days without texting each other and I feel like I am loosing the deep connection that we used to have. Plus I feel like when he is really really happy with me, he needs to pull back for a few days and he does it every time.

 

- In more than 2 months, we have only been outside 3 times. I already told him in a nice way that I wanted to do more things with him. not to pressure him (once again) but to get to know him better because I feel like it is easy to hide your real personality when you always do the same things. I know, it is not only sexual because he told me that he wanted to do things with me and to make some efforts... but it really bothers me!

 

- I am really expressive but I feel like he is totally the opposite. He never says anything about me, about what he feels or about us. I know it is only the beginning but I would like him to tell me if he would see me as a girlfriend one day? I know I should ask him, but I am honestly too afraid to ask him because he is very cold and he does not like being pressured. He only had one serious relationship and usually has a lot of flirts.

 

I mean, in general, I feel like it is hard to communucate with him and maybe that's the reason why I have never had an orgasm with him.

 

The sex was amazing at the beginning and it is still very great, but I have never had an orgasm and I don't think he wants me to or he does not need to. maybe he lost hope?

 

When we started to talk to each other, he told me that he really likes doing certain things but now I realize that he does not do it with me.

 

And last thing, I started to notice that he can be selfish. I can clearly see that he has never lived with anyone, with a girl or a friend because he always acts like a single man. He eats without me and he plans to travel on his own and I was like "wtf" I really feel like he still acts like a single man.

 

I know it is early to travel with someone or to put a label, but all that stuff make me really uncomfortable and our last 2 dates were not that great because of that feeling.

 

Apart from that, I don't think that he sees someone else. Clearly not. and I know that he really finds me attractive, he always says thay I am hot or something like that.

Edited November 7, 2018 by lilyss92

[MaleIntuition]

Some of your expectations are a bit unreasonable after only two month. Namely vacation planning and acting like single when you - in fact - haven’t established that you are in a relationship. Not really sure what you mean by eating by himself though..?

 

However, the way you describe him: Selfish, not caring about your pleasure, being cold (?), hard to communicate with - those things doesn’t sound very good. Not like being pressured sounds like a bad excuse and an avoidance strategy...

[smackie9]

Let's just face it...it's not what you thought it would be...been there done that. I next a guy after 3 weeks because things weren't really moving along like I expected. You are just looking for confirmation? really? you know you should just move on. When you are not really feeling it, forcing those expectations only spells disaster.

[kendahke]

You've gotten way ahead of yourself here given the amount of time that has transpired. If this is called "taking things slow", then you need to grind this down to glacial pace.

 

How much dating experience have you had so far?

 

I was like "ok, I will get used to it."

 

Rule #1: never lie to yourself.

 

No, you won't get used to it--this thread is proof of that. You need someone who texts a lot and he's not that kind of a guy. Now, you can either make this the hill to die on or you can step up yourself and do way more initiating of texts. To complain when you don't initiate is like being in a sinking boat, the guy is bailing the water and you're complaining that you're getting wet.

 

In more than 2 months, we have only been outside 3 times.

He never says anything about me, about what he feels or about us.

I am honestly too afraid to ask him

he is very cold

he does not like being pressured.

He only had one serious relationship and usually has a lot of flirts.

It is hard to communucate with him

I have never had an orgasm with him.

I have never had an orgasm

I don't think he wants me to or he does not need to.

he can be selfish.

he always acts like a single man.

He eats without me

 

Is he feral or something? Was he raised by humans or wolves?

 

I see nothing here that commends him. There are plenty of men out there who do not bring this much mess with them to relationships. You need to find one of them. This guy is too much renovation work to be taken seriously for relationship material.

[lilyss92]

Some of your expectations are a bit unreasonable after only two month. Namely vacation planning and acting like single when you - in fact - haven’t established that you are in a relationship. Not really sure what you mean by eating by himself though..?

 

However, the way you describe him: Selfish, not caring about your pleasure, being cold (?), hard to communicate with - those things doesn’t sound very good. Not like being pressured sounds like a bad excuse and an avoidance strategy...

 

Thank you for your answer. I know that you are right. Plus I can'r say yes because of my work but it hurt me a bit because he kept saying that he would go alone as nobody could come with him... but I was like "What about me?, did you think about me at least" Of course I did not say anything but, it is that kind of things which make me think that he does not take "us" seriously.

 

But yeah, I realize I might expect too much about the trip. Thanks.

 

He never said he felt pressured with me and he never said anything about our relationship like he did not want to commit. Usually, he does. He told me that he is very honest too and tells the girl when he can't/does not want to be in a relationship, but he has never said anything to me. Maybe that's why I am freaking out.

[lilyss92]

Let's just face it...it's not what you thought it would be...been there done that. I next a guy after 3 weeks because things weren't really moving along like I expected. You are just looking for confirmation? really? you know you should just move on. When you are not really feeling it, forcing those expectations only spells disaster.

 

Yeah that's exactly it. We talked for about a month before we met. So we build a kind of connection (virtual) and we asked each other a lot of questions. But all the things he said about him, like the things he likes to do in bed, or how he is in a relationship.... Like texting almost everyday, he does not do it with me. And I don't think he did it with the last girls?! (we talked about it) So I am like "Why did you lie to me about who you are????"

 

Don't you think I should talk about it with him?

[lilyss92]

You've gotten way ahead of yourself here given the amount of time that has transpired. If this is called "taking things slow", then you need to grind this down to glacial pace.

 

How much dating experience have you had so far?

 

 

 

Rule #1: never lie to yourself.

 

No, you won't get used to it--this thread is proof of that. You need someone who texts a lot and he's not that kind of a guy. Now, you can either make this the hill to die on or you can step up yourself and do way more initiating of texts. To complain when you don't initiate is like being in a sinking boat, the guy is bailing the water and you're complaining that you're getting wet.

 

 

 

Is he feral or something? Was he raised by humans or wolves?

 

I see nothing here that commends him. There are plenty of men out there who do not bring this much mess with them to relationships. You need to find one of them. This guy is too much renovation work to be taken seriously for relationship material?

 

Oh my god. I know you are totally right. I know I am complaining about something but I did not say anything about it to him and I did not initiate things. The thing is, I wanted to take the things really slow and get to know him deeply and see how it goes. Like a probation period! haha and It was really hard for me to tell him what I felt as he never says anything. One day, I asked him : have I ever done something that you did not like, or there is something that you would like me to change ? He answered no, nothing to change. So i feel like he is very happy like this and literally does not feel anything more.

 

I don't need a guy who texts me all the time, almost everyday or every two days it is more than enough for me. I just feel like he lied about him. Before we mer, he used to text me everyday, and when i did not answer, he used to text me twice. But from the moment we met until now, he usually only texts me to plan a date (it is always him). And I noticed that he does not text me for at least two days when our last date is really intense. I really don't understand why he does that, it annoys me so much.

 

But thank you.

[kendahke]

So I am like "Why did you lie to me about who you are????"

 

Don't you think I should talk about it with him?

 

Yes, but you need to have a plan of action for whatever his answer is. And if he'll lie about that, he's prone to lie about anything else--just remember that.

 

You have to know what you're going to do if all he does is just enough to lull you back into a stupor where you're going along because it's easier than looking for someone else.

[kendahke]

Before we mer, he used to text me everyday, and when i did not answer, he used to text me twice. But from the moment we met until now, he usually only texts me to plan a date (it is always him). And I noticed that he does not text me for at least two days when our last date is really intense. I really don't understand why he does that, it annoys me so much.

 

He took that time you both invested before meeting into building an artificial construct of who you were (you were doing the same of him) and he was emotionally investing in that because he could control all variables of his imaginary Lilyss; when he met the real, fully actualized Lilyss, it was in conflict with what he had been investing in and he's having to go back and retrofit those areas of the "construct that is Lilyss", hence what you're experiencing him doing.

 

This is why I say meet them as soon as possible in a public setting. It can be both of you bringing a thermos of your favorite brew (I use that word in the Mancunian fashion), meeting on a park bench and having a really nice, affordable first meeting. When time is allowed to spend more time in who you imagine they are as opposed to who they actually are, that's time spent investing in expectations that will be dashed. That's an unforced error--you can avoid all of this by not allowing yourself to begin building the construct sight unseen.

[lilyss92]

Yeah I see. Maybe he felt the same about me and he did not want to tell me, but I did not lie about me because I knew that kind of stuff would happen. So I really tried my best to be myself. We wanted to meet earlier but we could not as we were on holidays... anyway it is done now.

 

It has been two days without a message. And I honestly think that it is really weird. It is so annoying after all that time.

 

Do you think he realized that we are not compatible too even though I did not do anything so wrong?

 

How should I talk to him about all of this?

 

I am sure there is something. I am not in love or anything so if it ends right now, I won't be heartbroken because it was too early but I really feel like he was cold for on purpose when we were not together.

 

One of my closest friend actually told me that he acts like a guy who does not want to love or is affraid to love or both.

[smackie9]

For someone who says they don't have their heart into it, you seem to really want to still invest your time in him.

[kendahke]

 

Do you think he realized that we are not compatible too even though I did not do anything so wrong?

 

No. I think he's off reading some red pill pua site stuff telling him to hold off for a week so that he doesn't look desperate texting and calling you. So he's giving you a couple of days to get off balance and then he'll show up and his presence will set you to right until he decides to vaporize again.

 

One of my closest friend actually told me that he acts like a guy who does not want to love or is affraid to love or both.

 

Well, you certainly don't want to take on renovation projects. If a man doesn't want or is afraid to love, avoid him. There are nothing but problems in your future with him.

Edited November 8, 2018 by kendahke

[Art_Critic]

From being on the same page it seems you two and not even close to being on the same page except when he needs to exchange some bodily fluids, then he thinks your great...

 

It sounds like when the true colors show, your just not right for each other and trying really hard for that not to be the truth..

This won't magically get any better, in fact it will get worse...

[Gretchen12]

I have some suspicion that he is kind of bored. You're hot and he wants to be with you. But from your post you seem kind of reactive. A lot of the things you want, you have to make happen on your own or within you. For example, orgasm and doing interesting things outside. He is not intrigued by the lady's 1,001 ideas. Some guys are dull, yes, but your joy comes from you and if he can't keep up then you'll get bored with him. Just don't worry about what he thinks or if he's happy with you. Blurt out what's on your mind, text him 2am to say anything you want, who cares, and relax then you have orgasm.