Please help me get the love of my life back

[Sad Girl]

Hi, I'm new to this whole thing, but I've basically run out of any other ideas. Ok, my boyfriend of 1 year dumped me recently because he said I treated him badly. I know I said things I shouldn't have and I took things out on him when they werent his fault. I yelled and told him things that were absolutely horrible. I felt so bad and regretted every day. We were so in love before, it was just a dream come true. We knew we were soulmates and we planned on getting married. We fought a lot, but we always made it through fine and stronger than we were before. I think one of the biggest problems was I had trouble trusting him. We both had trust issues, one because all of my friends decided to tell me one day that they never really cared about me in the first place, and two because his previous girlfriend cheated on him. I think i knew deep down he wouldnt cheat on me, but I was afraid he would flirt with other girls or want someone else. I have a lot of self esteem issues so Im sure that didnt help much either. I dont know if he kept a lot inside or what, but most of the time we would just burst and have horrible fight. I know he got sick of me, but i love him so much i was just worried he would fall out of love with me for something little at any time. The big problem was that I was king of clingy. I was in my freshman year at college and i didnt really like it, i got homesick and i really had no one to talk to besides him. So i called him all the time, and would drive home just to see him. I think he thought i was trying to keep him from his friends, but i wasnt. I thought he wanted to see me as much as i wanted to see him. At first, after having some more fights and him telling me he couldnt wait for me to treat him right, he asked for a break. He kept giving me more chances but i kept blowing them because I didnt know if he loved me anymore and i got too emotional and too upest. He finally broke it off for good, but still secretly gave me more chances to prove i could treat him well. The one day went really well and he acted like he truly cared. The next was horrible. He spent the day acting so cold and distant and i got upset and ruined my final chance, just because i couldnt figure out why two days before he had acted like he loved me. He told me it was a test because he wanted to see how i would react if he acted differently. So now its been a few weeks and i miss him more than ever. I keep calling him, hoping one day he will come around, but he just gets more angry with me. Everyone tells me to give it a little bit and see what happens, but im afraid to. Im worried that if i dont talk to him and tell him i still love him and i can treat him well, he will forget about me and fall out of love with me. I know deep down we are supposed to be together, but he doesnt. I know he is my soulmate, but now he says he doesnt think we are. I know we could be ok if he would just have faith in the love like i do, but he wont. Im afraid to let go and be ok, because he may find someone else. I know i cant live without him. He is so perfect and was always there and now i cant get through a day without talking to him. Talking to him makes me feel ok, like i will be ok. I think i may be suffering from depression (although i knew this for a long time) and even getting a hug from him makes all the bad things disappear. Everything i felt and still feel, all of the signs, everything about him, everything about the relationship showed me we are supposed to be together. I cant give up because he never gave up on our love before. Please someone tell me how to get him to come back to me. I think he still loves me, he just isnt sure if i love him (which i do, more than anything) and he is afraid i will continue to treat him badly. But i have learned my lesson and i know how to treat him well now. I would give anything to have him back but I just dont know what else to do. Please help me. :(

[Leikela]

Honey, you remind me of myself back when I was 18 or 19 years old. I know it SEEMS like this guy is your one and only, but there are millions of other young single guys out there that you could be just as happy and in love with.

 

Here is a test to see if your boyfriend truly loves you. Don't contact him at all and wait for him to make the first contact. If he never calls, he doesn't love you. Plain and simple.

 

Sometimes distance is what people need in order to sort out their feelings. He asked for this space but you're denying his request which is just pushing him farther away. Is that what you want?

 

Give it a rest with him and concentrate on yourself. A man will NOT give you a sense of self or will he define you. That's has to come from within yourself. Live for YOURSELF, not for another guy. People will come and go but you're always stuck with yourself. Love yourself first.

 

Good luck hun.

[JayKay]

That sounds really rough, sweetie.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like getting back together might not be the best thing for either of you right now.

 

You sound like you have a lot of self esteem issues. As long as you feel badly about yourself, you are likely to continue to drive emotional wedges between you and other people. You said you were 'clingy' and unable to trust your BF and the resultant behavior made him nuts.

 

If you have that much self-doubt and insecurity, NONE of your relationships will be healthy ones. I think some therapy might be helpful, so you can discover why you can't trust people.

 

And don't keep calling your ex. You're smothering him. He needs space to sort things out. If you don't give someone a chance to even miss you, you're just sabotaging any hopes of ANY kind of relationship with them.

 

It's possible you're not meant to be together in the long run. You can meet many soulmates in one lifetime.

 

If it is meant to be, you can start by taking steps to change yourself first....rather than trying to change how he acts and feels

[Sad Girl]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my little request. I just was wondering how to tell if he really does still love me or not? Is it possible to fall out of love in the matter of a few weeks? He says we should try to hang out as friends, does this mean he is thinking about taking me back, or telling me that this is all i will ever get? When i do see him, how can I know if he still has feelings for me? I just feel like my whole life is falling apart and I just want it to go back to the way it was before, when we were so happy. One more thing...how do i get through a day without talking to him, when i'm thinking about him 24/7? I try to be ok, and act like im fine with it because thats how he acts, but it hurts even more because it seems like he is so ok with this. How do i deal with this pain?

[Sadlygone]

Become more active. Find something to keep you busy. Read a book. Do something for yourself. You have all this time and energy that can be made useful rather than sitting around and fretting. You make plans on when you are going to see him. Therefore, you know what to expect and you can use that time away from him for yourself. Allow yourself to do the things that you want to do for yourself.

[mental_traveller]

Your relationship was not "perfect" otherwise he wouldn't have left. You admit you had constant fights - that's hardly the sign of something that's meant to be. Also the chances are he fell out of love quite a long time before he finally admitted it to you, but he wouldn't tell you because he probably held out hope that your behaviour would improve. That's why it appears that he fell out of love in a few weeks - he hid his feelings because he had hopes of improvement. But when instead of improvement he got things going worse instead, you just slowly killed those feelings he once had. So he didn't suddenly fall out of love, rather you slowly destroyed the relationship one step at a time.

 

You said he gave you lots of chances - well if you get chances and every single time you royally screw it up, can you blame him for leaving? Basically you have treated him like dirt and shown a total lack of respect. So now you have driven him away by your behaviour, you just have to suck it up and take the consequences.

 

The good news is that there is one way you can get him back - if you never get mad at him again, and act genuinely nicely to him. The question is do you value him enough to make the big effort that it takes to fundamentally change your behaviour - and maintain that change permanently? It looks like he gave you the chance, but you didn't realise and got mad again. Well, in future you have to just hold your tongue when you get annoyed by something he does. He sounds like quite a smart guy, and he's sussed you out. If you genuinely put in the effort to change for the better, he'll probably suss that out too and give you another chance. But you have to really go out of your way to prove that you are worthy of another chance, because so far you've blown every single one.

 

Also you have to stop smothering him and contacting him constantly. This is just giving him further prove that you are immature, emotionally needy, and unstable. If you grow up a bit and calm down somewhat, that'll make him more receptive to the idea that you can change. Act more like friends, be more calm, hassle him less, don't have as much contact, and be nicer. If you genuinely change like this, and there's still feelings on his side, then he will probably contact you on his own accord, maybe just to see how things are getting along. You might then get a second shot - don't screw it up this time.

[Sad Girl]

Thanks everybody for the kind words and the advice. I'm trying to do what you say, just not call and wait for him to call me. I just don't know how long to wait for. When should I just give up and resign to the fact he doesn't care about me or love me enough to call? Meanwhile, how do I stop thinking about him? I have been focusing on reading and working hard on homework, but with everything I do, he seems to pop into my head. Sometimes just driving to school I will see something that reminds me of him and I will get upset. What can I do to try and get him out of my head and therefore stop crying all the time?

[Sad boy]

But you said that you found peace. Both were young and fell so far. He will find help and learn from his folly to get help and understand that it takes two to go far.

[Gold Pile]

Hi Sad Girl,

Maybe a little get together with another guy (maybe me) would help you out.

Put him in perspective, find he isn't the one and only.

[JayKay]

Is there a counselor you can talk to?

 

it's good to have an unbiased person listen to the situation.

 

it's also good if you have some older women friends who have been through similar things before. They probably have some wise words for you.

 

Talk to someone you trust; a relative, a coach, a guidance counselor or a therapist. Someone who will listen and give it to you straight.

[Sad Girl]

Well, its over. It is officially over. He told me he doesn't want to be with me ever. He wants to be as far away as possible. He doesn't love me anymore and there is no way to win him back, not at all. No, im not going to be ok, nothing is going to be ok. Right now, i just want to die. I want to kill myself and i want him to know he caused it. I would have given anything to be with him. And now he loves knowing he hurt me horribly. He laughs at my sadness. So thanks for all your advice, but its over with. I cant stand this pain anymore...this is so stupid....why did i bother ever loving him? Why did i spend so long loving him and praying to get him back? Yes, i was going to see a counselor, but there isnt any point now. No one will be able to help me. I want to end all this pain and i want everyone to know that love isnt real. There is no such thing. Love is stupid and it hurts u, so never believe in it. I was dumb enough to believe my love for him and the love he had for me could save us. Screw love and screw living with this pain!!!!!!

[Zoey]

Sad girl,

I know it hurts right now. Trust me, I know. There are lots of people on this board who feel like you do. Think of all the people who love you and care about you. These people love you and will feel as sad as you do right now if you were to do something stupid.

Walk yourself down to your college counseling center right now and talk to someone. Call your mom. Call a friend. Call someone who loves you.

Take a deep breath. Take a bubble bath. Go for a run.

I promise you that you will feel better as you begin to heal from this pain. You will smile again. You will laugh.

[bellaD]

YOu will be fine!! Trust me. I'v been thru this b4. Time really does heal all wounds. You are gonna go from being so sad where you wanna crawl in a hole and die, then you are gonna start gettin mad which makes you feel a little better, then after a few weeks you'll be fine. I promise hes just one of many guys in your life. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD....JUST ONE GUY. If its meant to be it will be...if not let him go...no biggie =) who knows maybe he'll come to his senses. BEST ADVICE DO NOT CALL. AT ALL...

[Sad Girl]

Ok, so I did what you all said and haven't called him in days. He has yet to call back. What do I do now? How long do I wait for him? I would wait forever just to have him back, but he doesn't seem to understand that. No, I don't want to find a new guy. He was perfect, everything I could have wanted and more. I lost him soley because I wasn't perfect enough and I have a lot of problems. I want him back so bad it hurts more and more every day. The pain isn't subsiding or going away. Please someone tell me how to win him back, because I can't go through any more without him.

[Leikela]

Honey, if it was love he wouldn't be doing this to you!!! Why do you pine over a guy who doesn't want you? Please get some self-esteem and accept the fact that it's over. Save your pride and rise above this. You don't need him. He never loved you. This isn't love. The time you waste crying over him is delaying you finding REAL love because this is not love.

[Sad Girl]

Ok, you were right. He doesn't love me. It just hurts to think about all the things he said to me about being beautiful and perfect and saying i was The One. I hurts to know they were all lies. But now I am angry. He has gone so far as to say I am not allowed to go to the bookstore he works at because he doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He also told me that I am not allowed to call him or IM him because it is Harrassment by Communication. So, he tells me he wants to be friends with me, but I'm not allowed to speak to him? I want to get him back, I want him to go through the same pain and humiliation that he put me through. I want to ruin his life like he ruined mine? Any ideas on how to go about doing that?

[ConfusedInOC]

Thanks everybody for the kind words and the advice. I'm trying to do what you say, just not call and wait for him to call me. I just don't know how long to wait for. When should I just give up and resign to the fact he doesn't care about me or love me enough to call? Meanwhile, how do I stop thinking about him? I have been focusing on reading and working hard on homework, but with everything I do, he seems to pop into my head. Sometimes just driving to school I will see something that reminds me of him and I will get upset. What can I do to try and get him out of my head and therefore stop crying all the time?

 

Stay busy with hobbies.

Hang out with friends -- a lot.

 

You'll get over him eventually.

 

However, what I recommend is burn in your mind all the mistakes you made with him and vow not to repeat them, ever. With him -- or anyone else.

[Leikela]

You're going through a grieving process and have passed the denial phase and are now going through the anger stage. This is completely normal. Feel the anger but don't place it upon him directly. Leave him out of it.

 

Get a picture of him and throws darts at it. Or pretend the couch is him and bang a pillow against it. Get that anger out but in a healthy way. Revenge isn't healthy.

 

Also, please try and remember that you both are "kids". He doesn't know what love is. He said all those things to you believing that he felt that way and those feelings of "infactuation" do change.

 

Accept that you got caught up in an immature relationship and move on. When you're older you'll look back on this and laugh. When you meet a guy that truly loves you, you'll understand why. Good luck sweetie.

[Sad Girl]

Ok, well, i have tried to just get him out of my mind and i have actually gone whole hours without thinking of him, but...the pain is still there and getting stronger every day. The problem is I dont have a lot to do to get my mind off of him. I basically dont have any friends b/c the only two people i consider my "friends" are at school out of town and the people who stayed in town ditched me after senior year. There was a big falling out between me and this other girl and all of my friends took her side. So thanks for all the advice, but what do u do when u have no friends? And, no, im not very good at making friends, I never have been...i am horribly shy and very untrusting. I just started going to counseling last week so hopefully that will help me a little. Anyways, anyone have any advice for me because I still cant stop thinking about him...oh, and i do still love him, even after all that has happened..is that a bad thing?

[Leikela]

That's great you're going to counseling. Good for you. Honey, the only solution is TIME. It feels like it's getting worse, but it will get better. Have patience. It's not bad that you still love him. That will fade too. Time, girl, TIME.

[Sad Girl]

:( You know whats sad? My life is going nowhere. I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life, I never did. I'm a sophomore in college and I have no clue what I'm doing. I dont think i ever will. I am having so much trouble because I see no point in it anymore. No matter what I'm never going to be happy, b/c no one will ever love me. Everyone was always right when they told me I wasn't special. The worst part is I have no one in the world who loves me. My parents don't love me, they just want to uphold their image...they wouldnt take me to a counselor or to the hospital a while ago when i said i wanted to die...all b/c it would tarnish their image. I have no friends whatsoever, I have no one. And i could kill myself right now and no one would take any notice...they wouldnt even care. So thanks for all the advice everyone, but i realize its all worthless. Nothing can help me b/c im beyond help...and its not just b/c of him either.

[JayKay]

Sad Girl,

 

You are still really young and have a lot of life yet to live. Trust me, at your age I was floundering too and didn't know WHAT to do with my life. During my junior year at college, I really f****d up a good relationship and spent two years feeling horribly sad about it.

 

You know what? Time changes everything. It really does.

 

You could be in a COMPLETLY different place a few years from now, looking back at this time in your life and shaking your head, "God...why was I SO upset over that boy?"

 

You have to handle depression from many different angles.

 

It's good you're seeing a therapist. That will help you heal the emotional wounds.

You need to start eating healthy and getting regular excercise so that, physically, you can heal. Stress is damaging to the physical body, not just the emotional/mental part of you. So eat well, walk every day, get plenty of sleep.

You may also want to pursue stress-management types of activities; yoga and martial arts are very good for stress and you can also take classes about stress management. Look for them.

You can meet people by doing various activities that help you be where other people are! You can volunteer at an animal shelter, join a book club or take a cooking class. Anything that keeps you busy!

 

You feel unloved right now so all you can remember are times when people told you you weren't special. All you can think of are times people acted unloving. But I'm sure there were moments when someone treated you kindly, when someone reached out and was friendly. You just can't remember it now, because you feel so depressed.

 

Depression warps your world view. Everything really looks dark and colorless and pointless.

It's a distortion, it's not the truth.

 

Every single human being has something special about them. You will learn to respect and like yourself, if you work at it.

[Leikela]

Sad girl,

 

Keep going to counseling. It sounds like your childhood has groomed you into an insecure, low self esteem, shy and embarassed girl. I'm so sorry for that. Don't give into what people tell you. Everyone is special, even you!!! Go out there and prove yourself. Keep up the counseling and take some risks. Life is so worth it.

 

I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was your age either. I only figured it out 2 years ago and I'm 29!!! Better late than never and I never gave up. You shouldn't either. You have potential so don't let your family or others get yourself down. You have a lot to offer this world but it's up to YOU to let yourself.

[Sad Girl]

I guess I have been doing a little better. I haven't talked to him in a long time and I don't think about him 24/7 anymore. I have actually stopped crying everyday too. Thanks for all the advice, it really helped. I was just wondering if anyone could give me advice on becoming friends with him in the future. Is it possible and if so, how do I get him to stop hating me enough to be my friend? He was my best friend before and I have no friends right now so I'm hoping I can at least get him back as a friend.

[Leikela]

Sad Girl,

 

I would hold off on becoming friends with him anytime soon. Wait until you are totally over him and have another boyfriend first. It's too easy to say you're going to be "just friends" and getting caught up again in the web of more feelings. Right now focus on healing. That's great that you're doing better. It's only up from here girl.