Met a great girl, but heard some rumours, and now it bothers me

[barneydin]

I have met a great girl who's a friend of a really good friend of mine.

 

We are both in our mid 20s. We've gone to 4 dates so far. Great chemistry, long conversations that lasted entire nights, we've been dancing for hours, hand holding, some kissing, we even went rock climbing, cinema, etc. altogether really enjoyable time. And I very seldom find anyone this attractive and fun to be with. Her interest levels are high in my opinion, initiates conversations, dates, is flirty, touchy, holds eye contact, etc.

 

Now here is a tricky part. Recently I met with a different friend of mine for some beers, and who, to my surprise, knows this girl from work. I trust him not to spread any unproven rumours - but he said to tread carefully. Basically he told me that this girl likes to party hard, drinks heavily, and was known to end up sleeping casually with her coworkers on office parties. Even ones who were married, at least once: from what he knows. And quite recently.

 

This obviously was before we met, so I don't know why it bothers me. We are not exclusive by any means. It's only 4 dates in. I used to do drugs too, so I don't mind. And I am myself dating other people casually, and have friends with benefits, but in no way with that much regularity, interest and infatuation.

 

Why does it bother me?

 

Could it be that it's because it could have been with people I potentially know?

 

I mean, objectively, I am myself a very sex-positive person, with a lot of ex-partners, fwb, and, sadly, a history of infidelity and going after married people on my part, that hopefully I am over now: haven't done anything like it in several years.

 

Am I projecting my own perceived old faults? Am I fault-finding now because I fear rejection? Or is it a gender thing and I am holding women to different standards than myself and other men?

 

What it comes down to, what bothers me in her are the qualities which I 100% have and dislike in myself.

 

I have this crazily immature insecurity, which I cannot shake off, that if she is so sex-positive when it comes to one night stands, why does it take so long to do anything sexual now? The escalation thing was really slow, and I am usually pretty good at it - so it's not for my lack of trying.

 

Has anyone gone through something similar? What would you guys do?

 

Apart from the emotional stuff I'm going through, are these red flags when it comes to finding a long term relationship? Completely rationally I understand that promiscuity while single has nothing to do with fidelity while in a relationship, or am I way off here?

Edited November 6, 2018 by barneydin

[BaileyB]

Am I projecting my own perceived old faults? Am I fault-finding now because I fear rejection? Or is it a gender thing and I am holding women to different standards than myself and other men?

 

I have this crazily immature insecurity, which I cannot shake off, that if she is so sex-positive when it comes to one night stands, why does it take so long to do anything sexual now? The escalation thing was really slow, and I am usually pretty good at it - so it's not for my lack of trying.

 

Your post is a strange mix of passing judgment on her because of her assumed promiscuity, yet also passing judgment on her because she hasn't progress to sex quickly with you. No wonder you are confused...

 

If you like this woman, continue to date her. Get to know her - don't assume that the rumors you have heard are true. But, date her with eyes wide open... Dating is supposed to be a period of discovery. Take things slow and really get to know this woman before you get too far ahead of yourself...

[d0nnivain]

Assess the person you know now, not the person she might have been back then. Also if she has a common name, discount whatever your buddy is saying as a possible case of mistaken identity.

 

Do keep your eyes open. Ask her Qs & see what happens but don't jump to conclusions just yet.

[Gaeta]

Now here is a tricky part. Recently I met with a different friend of mine for some beers, and who, to my surprise, knows this girl from work. I trust him not to spread any unproven rumours - but he said to tread carefully. Basically he told me that this girl likes to party hard, drinks heavily, and was known to end up sleeping casually with her coworkers on office parties. Even ones who were married, at least once: from what he knows. And quite recently.

So she slept with 1 man from her office. That's all he knows, the rest is speculation on his part.

[smackie9]

Well you have met your match! Seriously tho....can you not put yourself in her shoes? Sure you can because you did the same thing...now how can you be so judgey about it. She was single, and well smashing someone who's married is not really kool but you should understand the circumstances...alcohol, dancing and all that can mix up a persons judgement. It happens right? You were not a saint by any stretch so just be happy you both found each other....this is what you have been looking for so don't ruin it.

 

 

Just wait till someone tells her about your past lol.......

[rightondude]

aren't you being a little hypocritical here brother, I mean she could say the same about you. What if one of her friends knows you and says "yeah I know that guy, he used to get high, cheated with married women, screws around, etc.."

 

Could be why you're not getting any?

[Redhead14]

at least once: from what he knows. - And how does he KNOW this? -- From someone else who heard it from someone else who heard it from someone else . . .??? Unless he knows the guy(s) he's talking about and/or he was one of them, he doesn't KNOW anything. By the way, since you're judgement and suspicion is piqued, was HE one of them?

[salparadise]

So, many seem to feel that because OP has had a colorful past that he doesn't have a right to be concerned about the character and sexual predilections of someone he's dating as a potential relationship partner. Nope.

 

No man wants to go in deep with a woman who's indiscriminate... particularly if she is recently known for schutping married men at office parties. This is just common sense and human nature. OP's indiscretions were a long time ago, but that's just one consideration. Virtue is not exactly an equal opportunity endeavor, for obvious reasons. I'm sure OP intends to be honest and faithful himself.

 

OP, you need to figure out what her character is like. Does she subscribe to a moral code, and does it include fidelity, or is she a non-monogamist? What is her stage of moral development (Kohlberg)? Does she do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, to avoid consequences, or for appearances? Don't judge too quickly, but don't stick you head in the sand either. Pay close attention and go slowly.

[Jamess1]

I have this crazily immature insecurity, which I cannot shake off, that if she is so sex-positive when it comes to one night stands, why does it take so long to do anything sexual now? The escalation thing was really slow, and I am usually pretty good at it - so it's not for my lack of trying.

 

You are been made to pay more/ or invest more in what others paid less for : less time, less dates etc and they were already in having seks with her...she is less attracted to you than she is to the other guys she quickly had seks with - the medium is the message always.

 

You are been used for attention- more like friend-zoned, just enough e.g small kiss- to keep you from walking away.

 

Leave her...

Completely rationally I understand that promiscuity while single has nothing to do with fidelity while in a relationship, or am I way off here?

 

Who told you that,that's wishful thinking- if a woman is promiscuous outside a relationship, she will likely be promiscuous in a relationship. If she is not promiscuous outside a relationship, she will likely be promiscuous inside a relationship, there is even research published by the CDC that supports this, although feminists don't like to here it, and societies have been conditioned to reject this. That's why you have so much self-doubt even when you are writing here, you know as a man from your gut that it's true- but then the conditioning fights it ....

[barneydin]

What is her stage of moral development (Kohlberg)? Does she do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, to avoid consequences, or for appearances? Don't judge too quickly, but don't stick you head in the sand either. Pay close attention and go slowly.

 

This is an extremely interesting point. Is this something that you have in mind when you date people? How would you asses their level of moral development from dating interaction? Should you match someone who is on your level or should you look for someone who's higher? Or if you realise, as I did, that I am nowhere near the top judging from my past actions, should you not date anyone and work on yourself?

 

What do you think?

 

As others have said in this post, I will ignore this rumour, as I have no way of knowing, and even if it's true it changes little apart from making me slow down and focus on truly getting to know someone. So in a way it is a positive thing.

[RedHead5]

In reference to her past being a red flag, you said it sounds similar to you and your past, is your past a red flag for her?

 

Can you be in relationship without cheating?

 

I think people can mature and change. I was pretty free-wheeling in my younger days but while I was married to my most recent ex, I was on the straight and narrow. I wanted it to work, and I put forth the effort into avoiding situations that could compromise my efforts.

 

Then, he cheated on me. Karma's a bitch I guess.

 

I went back to dating casually, but now that I am getting in a relationship again, I'm putting forth the effort again.

 

I think it has more to do with maturity and what you want deep down. Some people never mature though so take that into consideration as well.

 

If you both have similar pasts, that's good, you can be open with each other. Ride it out and see what happens if you like her. Take the chance!

[CollinW]

You don't want to be with a woman with a reputation. Especially one who deals with men within a work environment. Your past is irrelevant to whether you should deal with a promiscuous woman.

[Dreamer1010]

I think my relationship with my present boyfriend had been through this.

I used to have ons but I stopped just before I met him. I chose to tell him the truth from the first stage because I didn't want to trap him or hide things from him. But the people around me, even the people I had ons with spreading more rumors than what actually happened. Some of them made up stories too. I just dont understand you know. Ons is from both sides. And those people they talked and spreaded rumors like I seduced them and got them pay for the beers and the food that we had. But actually, in fact, mostly of it I paid for both. I even asked for split the bills of food and paid for my own drinks. So ironic right? And yah, we argued so so much about this. He chose to believe in those people over me. He cursed and used some really really bad words to me.

And my boyfriend, he used to have ons too but he told me he did it once with a girl he knows. He got married once when he's in early 20s, but divorced. Then, he has a son with his ex and they were still contacting when we were in our first stage. Even when we argued, one of his ex contacted him and asked him to come back. He didnt tell me until couple days later. There were some things else similar to that. Well, I didn't say anything about his past because that's when we didnt even know each other so how can I bring it up? It's nonsense though. And about his exes contact, I felt upset and I told him directly at that moment.

I told one of my reliable best friend about what happened between us, she even doesnt allow me to continue this relationship because she said it's not fair for me.

However, we found the way to make things right. And I gave him the last chance to build our relationship again together. We wanna fix it before we throw it away.

 

My opinion is, who she is in the present with you is more important then when you guys didnt even know each other. Everyone makes mistakes. But as long as they know it and fix it or make it right, then learn and change from it; then they deserve to have a chance from the others to see what they are right now, not what they were.

You can keep your thoughts but now you just need to observe her and the way she's being around you and around another guys or when she's drunk to see if it's true or she changed. You have ons, fwb before too so dont judge her for this. Just let things be natural now, and you will get what you want to know.

It depends on what you choose and believe.

Rumors are rumors. They can be true but they cannot 100% true. Who knows what could be changed from this person to that person before it gets to you.

 

Just my opinion, maybe it's nonsense and useless. But just wanna say this because I've been through this similar thing.

Edited November 9, 2018 by Dreamer1010

[Dreamer1010]

"BaileyB: Your post is a strange mix of passing judgment on her because of her assumed promiscuity, yet also passing judgment on her because she hasn't progress to sex quickly with you. No wonder you are confused..."

 

This happened to me before with my present boyfriend. He judged me and asked me that why I could be easy to sleep with strangers but it took 6 weeks for us to have sex. And he assumed that Is he not as hot as the strangers I slept with...

Well, to be honest, I didn't sleep with him so quickly because he's special to me and I wanted it to be perfect for the first time we had sex. Not casual like the ons. Once and be gone.

[Jamess1]

My opinion is, who she is in the present with you is more important then when you guys didnt even know each other. Everyone makes mistakes. But as long as they know it and fix it or make it right, then learn and change from it; then they deserve to have a chance from the others to see what they are right now, not what they were.

 

This is a very common and natural female perspective...based on women's experiences.The opinion I am going to give is a very common and natural one from a male perspective, and it can be supported by 'evolutionary psychology'

 

Men's experiences are not the same as women's experiences, so they will naturally have conflicting opinions..

 

The type of men you had ONS with are not the type of men you want relationships with or the ONS guys didn't want relationships with you, so you subconsciously settled for a ONS.The way you perceive the ONS guys is not the same way you perceive the guy you expect to invest in a relationship with you : you even mentioned paying for dates for the highly attractive and desirable ONS guy..something you wouldn't do for the guy you apparently want a relationship with....

 

A simple experiment of a man and a woman randomly walking in town asking the opposite gender for sex, had way more men agreeing than women : most women if not all refused, most men agreed to the woman...basing on this and many other dynamics there will always be a different perspective to how a woman who has ONS is viewed from a man who does the same (it's not misogyny)

 

What a woman was in her past when she was younger and more desirable is more important than what she is when she is older:e.g if a girl who rejected a guy in her 20s during college days, or considered him out of her league but suddenly shows interest in him in her 30s or 40s, that interest in is not genuine but necessitous.

 

Having ONS is not a mistakes, it's biology : when women have ONS they are urgently seeking out 'quality genes' from 'top' men (usually during her ovulation)..this are men she is so 'hot' for that she doesn't require them to invest anything else besides their 'superior genes' aka sex. These men are also aware of their higher 'attractiveness' to the woman they hv ONS with and are unwilling to invest in a relationship.Less desirable/attractive men are the ones she pursues for long term relationships, they are usually required to invest more besides their genes, hence you hear statements like,'Although I used to hv ONS in college, with James WE decided to wait until after marriage'

 

Women deserve a chance after ONS,unfortunately they seek 'that chance they deserve' from men they would never have considered having a ONS with in her past

[Larry56]

Oh we have a rationalmale fan on here. Lol.

 

Yes I personally don't believe in the whole "I made this guy wait 6 dates to have sex with me because I wanted it to be special." yeah, nah. You didn't. You wanted to test his commitment so you could see if he was going to stay with you. But you're not doing that because you're suddenly picky. You're doing that because you feel you're running out of time.