MermaidNat Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 I’ve never done this before but I don’t know what else to do so I have to put this somewhere..... I was with him for 4 years, lived together for 2.5, he was four years younger than me and had a history... so did I... from the beginning we both put it all on the table, that we hadn’t been very good partners in the past... I came from a toxic relationships & he had played the field pretty openly, he put all his cards on the table from the start & I did too... we openly decided we both wanted something better than the past & we wanted a better relationship than what either of us had offered anyone before. We had a pretty connected & intense relationship.. but never ever abusive or nasty, we fought like normal but mostly about my issues from the past & his. We got to a place together that was solid.. and we understood eachother & what we needed, he changed a lot, from being with his mates all the time, partying etc.. to investing his time & energy into me, saving for a house, joint accounts, laybyed a ring, joint phone plans, talking about kids next year.. went on a conscious relationship weekend workshop... Then out of the blue, he goes out one night with his uncles & ends up cheating with a prostitute... as did his uncles... he got caught but lied about it & cried & begged for me to believe him... I kicked him out for a week then questioned myself because I wasn’t sure if my past trust issues were preventing me from the possibility of believing he hadn’t done anything. We talked, he ended up admitting it after about 24 hours together, he then talked through it with me.. I asked him every question under the sun as to why he felt he needed to do that, “what was he looking for” “was the relationship not meeting his needs” “was there something he couldn’t ask for from me” He couldn’t come up with anything... he then flew out to work for a 5 week job.. we parted on uncertain terms.. but he left everything behind in our house. He cut me off randomly after two weeks of being away & I found out he had started sleeping with someone he had met up there. I cried, begged, pleaded to understand what had happened & he wouldn’t give me any answers, denied it & wouldn’t explain himself.... After about 5 weeks I gave up & blocked him because I couldn’t cope any other way, he stayed away on the job for 12 weeks... after about another 4 weeks I unblocked him & he had been trying to contact me.. he asked to see me when he got home.. I was unsure... he turned up at our house without warning.. I was out & he waited there for 5 hours.. he cried, apologise, told me he loved me & missed me, said he wanted to work our what was happening with him & us.. he stayed over & stayed for the next week.. talking through things etc.. then he started to jump back on the fence, I was too emotionally weakened to do anything so I just tried to stay calm & ride it out... He then started going out with the boys drinking all night, coming home, being sorry.. not doing it for a while before doing it again, ignoring my calls until I would give up.. then he would turn up back home.. then he started to blame me.. saying my issues caused what happened.. I controlled him & tried to change him so that’s why he changed his mind.. that he didn’t feel the same.. I still barely reacted... he would fly back out to work, be normal for a few days then flip again to not wanting to sort it out... he told me he needed to see a psychologist because he was all over the place.. so he starts seeing one.. he comes home & tells me she thinks he hasn’t been alone long enough in the past to know what he wants.. I still barely responded.. I started to beg him eventually to stop being unstable & work through it with me, he would agree, then change his mind... then agree again & change his mind. Then he told me he wanted to move out, I cried & asked him to try to make it work. He wouldn’t. Then my Dad got really sick, he flew back from work early to support me.. he was great for a few days, then goes missing again.. comes home & the preview messages on his phone popped up, without opening anything I saw his friend had sent him websites for prostitutes available that night... I cried, confronted him & got angry.. he was blank & said he didn’t know why he was doing it... I started to feel like I was going crazy because this person I knew was someone completely different... Then he flies back out to work, everything’s ok for a few days before he tells me “I don’t love you anymore I’m moving out” I cried & talked to him about why he was so up & down... he said it was done & that he wanted out.. I asked him in one more message to give it one real shot to put things back together properly & he refused saying he needed to do what he wants to & he couldn’t be around me to do that. So he comes home from work, I was in bed watching a movie, he asks to jump in & he falls asleep next to me, I fall asleep too, he wakes up & starts trying to sleep with me saying he missed me.. I went along with it although now I know I shouldn’t have... he stays over & cuddles all night then we sleep together again the next morning.. we get up & he says he needs to drop his car off to his mechanic & that we should go out after & have lunch... He went to have a shower, I made the bed & his phone flashed up with a msg from a girl from another state that he used to have casual sex with saying “I can’t wait for Hawaii tomorrow! I’ve been looking at beaches all day” I lost my mind & went crazy.. he apologised a little bit & lied some more.. I kicked him out & went back & forth between asking him to stay & be himself again & telling him to get out. I cried for hours & he moved the majority of his belongings out into a storage space. The last run he said “I love you I’ll be back tonight so we can talk” Then he left & disappeared... The following day he was in Hawaii with this person he used to have casual sex with. I’m so hurt, destroyed & confused I don’t know what to do with myself... This makes me sound week but I am a strong woman who never used to stand for his **** but this just took me by surprise... like I didn’t expect it.... How do I pick myself up? I feel like I’ve been thrown in the bin like I’m trash.. whilst he’s on to greener pastures & it hurts so much I’m in physical pain.. What do I do guys?
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 You are not trash. He chose to have sex with the prostitute then it was all down hill from there He has chosen to be with somebody else. Just reading this I practically got whiplash from all his back & forth. He has chosen to throw away your 4 years together, not because of you but because of him. Sadly what you do now is grieve the loss of your relationship, spend time with your dad & eventually pick yourself up, dust yourself off & try again with a new guy. For now purge your house of the mementos & go NC.
Zahara Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 There is no way to get around the pain but as a start, you need to come to the acceptance that this man is toxic and that this relationship is over. He’s telling you he loves you but he’s in Hawaii with another woman. Toss those words out. I have a feeling this behavior didn’t just start out of the blue and was likely going on way before you caught him with the prostitute. Get the rest of his things out and into storage. No more talking, no more begging, no more hoping. Do you have family or friends that you can stay with for awhile, at least until he gets his stuff out of the apartment? 1
Author MermaidNat Posted November 6, 2018 Author Posted November 6, 2018 Thank you for your replies I don’t really have anyone to go to with this at the moment I can’t stop picturing what they’re doing together... it hurts so badly... I think you are right though with what you have said.. Is there anything you can do to lessen the painfulness?
Zahara Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 Thank you for your replies I don’t really have anyone to go to with this at the moment I can’t stop picturing what they’re doing together... it hurts so badly... I think you are right though with what you have said.. Is there anything you can do to lessen the painfulness? It’s all very raw right now and there really isn’t much you can do in terms of lessening the pain but maybe to temporarily distract your thoughts and find some bits of relief. I still remember very vividly the pain I felt when I found out my ex was with another woman. You just have to embrace the pain and hurt. Focus on your exit plan. What are you planning to do when he gets back? Have you blocked him? How are you going to manage seeing him if he comes around. Start thinking about your next steps. And please stop going back to him. Yes, he is to blame here but you need to take accountability for your own choices. This should have never gotten this far.
Simple Logic Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 “we hadn’t been very good partners in the past... I came from a toxic relationships & he had played the field pretty openly,” Looks like he still plays the field pretty openly. 1
Author MermaidNat Posted November 7, 2018 Author Posted November 7, 2018 I think if there were signals before this I would’ve picked up on at least one before this happened.... I’m not like a “blind trust” type of person but there wasn’t anything before this happened... We had each others bank account logins, Facebook passwords, email passwords, phone lock codes, there wasn’t really any space for that kind of thing.
Zahara Posted November 7, 2018 Posted November 7, 2018 I think if there were signals before this I would’ve picked up on at least one before this happened.... I’m not like a “blind trust” type of person but there wasn’t anything before this happened... We had each others bank account logins, Facebook passwords, email passwords, phone lock codes, there wasn’t really any space for that kind of thing. When the prostitute incident happened, that should have been it. But you gave him another chance and he then met up with another woman. Then you found more the prostitute leads. Now he’s with a woman in Hawaii. The fact that he’s had a history of playing the field, it’s not surprising that he’s on this path. You said you were shocked that he’s become a different person — sadly he’s just reverting back to who he truly is. Regardless, what are you planning to do when he gets back? 1
Author MermaidNat Posted November 7, 2018 Author Posted November 7, 2018 When the prostitute incident happened, that should have been it. But you gave him another chance and he then met up with another woman. Then you found more the prostitute leads. Now he’s with a woman in Hawaii. The fact that he’s had a history of playing the field, it’s not surprising that he’s on this path. You said you were shocked that he’s become a different person — sadly he’s just reverting back to who he truly is. Regardless, what are you planning to do when he gets back? Thanks Zahara, your thoughts on this are helpful.... I think I’m done, I’ll get rid of his things although I think he won’t try to show his face now that he’s taken this so far. I think I need to just try to recover from all this.. I’m not eating, sleeping, able to go to work & my anxiety is constant so I need to try to get well
Zahara Posted November 7, 2018 Posted November 7, 2018 Thanks Zahara, your thoughts on this are helpful.... I think I’m done, I’ll get rid of his things although I think he won’t try to show his face now that he’s taken this so far. I think I need to just try to recover from all this.. I’m not eating, sleeping, able to go to work & my anxiety is constant so I need to try to get well Don’t “think” you’re done. You should be firm in your decision and know that you are done. He won’t show his face? He’ll be back. If this man has the audacity to tell you he loves you and will talk soon while he’s preparing to get it on with another woman, be prepared for him to come back because one thing that you’ve taught him is that you’ll tolerate deplorable behavior. Get his things out. Block him.
Author MermaidNat Posted November 8, 2018 Author Posted November 8, 2018 Don’t “think” you’re done. You should be firm in your decision and know that you are done. He won’t show his face? He’ll be back. If this man has the audacity to tell you he loves you and will talk soon while he’s preparing to get it on with another woman, be prepared for him to come back because one thing that you’ve taught him is that you’ll tolerate deplorable behavior. Get his things out. Block him. Thank you Zahara, I think I’ve been so caught up in what I thought we had that I haven’t quite caught up to the reality of everything he’s done. He knew how bad my previous relationship was with every form of abuse & I was too broken to find the strength to walk away until I did so much work on myself that I finally felt strong enough in myself as a person to cut him off completely. A few months after I did that, this guy came along... acting like he understood what I’d been through & telling me he would protect me from being hurt like that ever again.. I suppose it’s my fault for buying into it all... I remember I couldn’t commit to it because I was so scared of a repeat of the past.. and he told me I had to get over my past to allow him to show me how perfect things could be... As he showed me I bought more & more into it until that became my reality.. I had felt like he put me back together.. so I suppose it’s all my own fault for not fully healing myself from the past before letting someone knew in, I was vulnerable to it & the evidence shows in the fact I was convinced “we can work through this” rather than “get out of my life right now”. I convinced myself people work through this stuff when they love eachother... but that’s so wrong.... that just leaves room for the person to repeatedly hurt you... but I’ve still been looking at this through loving eyes like “he’s going to realise what he’s done”... Thank you, as much as I feel so destroyed you speaking of the strength I should’ve had encourages me to find it.
Author MermaidNat Posted November 8, 2018 Author Posted November 8, 2018 I don't know what to do other than post this here... I'm so humiliated and it hurts so much... I posted my story in another post but he's posting photos on Instragram of him on holiday with another woman in Hawaii... we live in Australia.. he moved his stuff out on Saturday afternoon and Monday he's on a holiday with someone... All my friends and our mutual friends are seeing it... I'm so embarassed and I feel like garbage that just got thrown away like I am worth absolutely nothing... I'm so upset..
Annie767 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 You poor thing, this reflects badly him though not you. If I saw that I would think what an absolute scumbag. Where is his integrity? Its all a show.
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 You shouldn't feel humiliated. His choice to do this reflects poorly on him. If anything his boorish actions should garner you sympathy not ridicule. Meanwhile you have to delete him so you stop torturing yourself. Tell friends & family you have broken up. Most likely they will unfriend him. 1
Zahara Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 And you can find that strength again to walk away. You were perfectly fine before you met this guy and you’ll get there again. The difficult part part about letting go is we cling to the good parts and we hope that maybe they’ll change and be that person we hope for them to be. But this guy has had a pattern of such behavior — he may have been able to suppress his ways during the time he was with you or maybe he was very slick with covering his tracks. I assume the latter because I once was in your shoes. This is who he really is and it’s something you need to accept — it’s going to help you let go. I read your other thread — you should not feel humiliated. His poor behavior has zero reflection on you. It doesn’t define who you are. I understand you feel hurt but your friends and family are empathizing with you. He looks like the absolute douchebag. You need to stop checking his social media. You already know what he’s up to, there’s no need to add visuals that are likely going to stay plastered in your mind and create more pain for you. Block him on everything. You need to be done with this guy. He’s not who you thought he could be. PS: Try to stay on your original thread instead of creating new ones. It helps with continuity. Otherwise posters have to look for your thread to figure out your story. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I think I’m done, I’ll get rid of his things although I think he won’t try to show his face now that he’s taken this so far. I think I need to just try to recover from all this.. I’m not eating, sleeping, able to go to work & my anxiety is constant so I need to try to get well I don't know what the law is there but in the US you can't just get rid of his things. You have to give them back. They are his. If you do anything else you could be liable for criminal misappropriation / theft. You also have to find the strength to go back to work. Yes it will suck but you can't get fired over this. That won't help you. Taking a day or two off is one thing but much more will create problems. Find strength you did know you had: friends, self help books, prayer, mediation. Use 'em all or whatever works. Hang in there.
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 You put all your eggs into the basket of someone who in his thirties was single and was used to "playing the field" and probably was using prostitutes a lot then too. He hasn't changed, he is doing exactly what he wants to do. You need to forget about how YOU saw this relationship as it was a sham and it wasn't true. He was at least champing at the bit to get his freedom or he was carrying on as per usual and you were largely oblivious until the prostitute incident. He is NOT Boyfriend or husband material, concentrate on that and use it to get him out of your thoughts.
Author MermaidNat Posted November 9, 2018 Author Posted November 9, 2018 Does anyone have any advice on how to stop ruminating over it? Like the “why’s” “Why did he do this?” “Why did he want to leave” “Why didn’t he care about being so hurtful” Etc
Zahara Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 Does anyone have any advice on how to stop ruminating over it? Like the “why’s” “Why did he do this?” “Why did he want to leave” “Why didn’t he care about being so hurtful” Etc You can’t permanently stop it. It’s just part and parcel of heartbreak. Your brain and your heart are going to be drowning with these thoughts especially when it is all so fresh. It’s futile to try and figure out why people like him do the things they do. The only thing we can do is find acceptance and focus on who they really are rather than hold onto an image of what we thought/hope they were or could have been. If you knew back then that he’s the kind that plays the field, what sort of man did you think you were getting in terms of his values? Why would it be surprising that he could now treat you this way? Do you think he treated all the other women that crossed his path lovingly? Did you think you were going to be the exception? If anything, it’s not surprising. It just took a little while for his true nature to spring alive again and I can bet my bottom dollar he was doing this long before you caught him. And sharing passwords, etc. means nothing. My ex had several other email accounts, had a second cell — cheating with several other women. Guys that play the field know how to cover their tracks, until they slip and get caught. I think you need to focus your energy not on “why he” but “why did I” - this guy is just not worth it. Even with him blatantly cheating on you after catching him with the prostitute, you kept begging him to work on the relationship. You need to ask yourself why you kept fighting for a man that treated you so disrespectfully.
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