mixed signals from girl and need perspective

[beautifulearth83]

I haven't posted on this site since 2015. I'm glad it still exists.

 

I am going to provide as many details as I can, in hopes that you can help me crack this nut.

 

I am in recovery and had frequently been attending a halfway house for meetings. I had met a girl there and we were friendly with each other and we hugged, etc. I thought there might be something there because of how I felt, and the way she would lock eyes with me sometimes and give me her attention.

 

At some point I add her on Facebook. She likes most of my posts. One day after a meeting, I message her on my way home and tell her she's amazing. She says that I'm amazing, too. I get all giddy about it. The conversation could have just ended, but she starts asking me questions about my weekend, life etc.

 

So these conversations go on for a bit. I don't ask her out or ask for her number or anything, because I realize that she is in recovery and probably going through stuff, so I'd rather be appropriate and get to know her slowly, and offer friendship.

 

So as days go by, I think about her non-stop, and just want to get to know her better. Not wanting to get in her pants or make any huge plans, just get to know each other better, slowly.

 

One morning she sends me a message with a link to a music video. In the message she also says that it has been a rough day.

 

On one hand I'm excited that she got in touch and the video made me feel like she was thinking of me. On the other hand I'm concerned as to way her day was bad.

 

She gets back to me and tells me that she relapsed and is back on the street. She says "good luck with everything", like we're not going to see each other again. I send her a couple consoling messages and she doesn't respond. Later in the day she sends a message asking if I have kids, and if I want kids.

 

I answer her and she doesn't respond. The next day comes and no response, so I try getting in touch. At this point I'm super worried that she literally meant she was on "the street" and I go looking around town to see if she's all ****ed up somewhere. Like genuine concern, really just wanting her to be ok and caring about this person like I've known her for years.

 

I send her a few messages and leave my number asking her to get in touch. I don't hear from her for 3-4 days.

 

She messages me and says sorry, that she was in detox.

 

We have a couple conversations after that. She likes one or two of my Facebook posts. Then I begin to realize that I am always the one trying to get in touch with her. And she starts taking really long to respond to my messages. Or she'll respond to one right away, with a question like we are going to have a conversation, and then disappear for hours.

 

So she stops liking my posts altogether and the time to respond to messages increases. At this point I try not to contact her anymore. But the other night I thought I'd give it one last go and ask if she wants to go see a band. She responds with a question: "Ohhh cool where are they playing?". I tell her and she says "ohhh never heard of it". I send her a link to the place and she doesn't respond. Haven't heard from her since.

 

So I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the F actually happened here. Why would somebody be so friendly, and see how much I care, and then just sort of become aloof? Why would she ask me about whether or not I have/want kids? I just feel sort of dumb, like a fool.

 

Does she just want attention? Does she not want attention? Is she just going through too much with the addiction and maybe I've just been trying too hard, or contacting her too much?

 

She hasn't blocked me or unfriended me or anything like that. I saw her at a meeting once and she said hi, but I was sort of to myself and less huggy, because of all these mixed signals and for self-preservation.

 

So now I am just doing my best to not contact her at all, and then if she wants to be in my life she can get in touch. I have put in a lot of effort to get to know her better and even just to be her friend.

 

Also wanted to add that I think I may be a bit codependent. With all that she was going through and how it affected me. I tend to want to rescue people.

Edited November 5, 2018 by beautifulearth83
last part

[Larry56]

You're right about the attention thing. She just wants a shoulder to cry on every now and then and when she feels like it.

 

Remember this...actions speak louder than words. If she's not willing to text you straight away (or meet you)...She's probably not interested in you that way (maybe not yet/maybe never).

 

At this point I'd let it go.

[carhill]

Welcome back.... nice to see old-timers around....

 

If she's an addict in recovery, or relapsed, pretty much that explains everything about her behavior. My experience is mostly with alcoholics and it's very similar.

 

Good on ya for recognizing your caretaker personality. It can be a gift and a curse.

 

IMO, focus on the recovery process and look for dates outside of it.

[beautifulearth83]

Welcome back.... nice to see old-timers around....

 

If she's an addict in recovery, or relapsed, pretty much that explains everything about her behavior. My experience is mostly with alcoholics and it's very similar.

 

Good on ya for recognizing your caretaker personality. It can be a gift and a curse.

 

IMO, focus on the recovery process and look for dates outside of it.

 

Hello! I remember you. Thanks for your response.

 

Could you maybe expand on how you think her behavior may be connected to the addiction/relapses?

 

And you're probably right about seeking romance outside of recovery. I've had a lot of bad experiences with it

[d0nnivain]

If you are in recovery aren't you cautioned to avoid relationships & concentrate on your own sobriety? I fear that you are not yet strong enough to deal with a girl who is relapsing. You can't save her until you have saved yourself. Do discuss the possibility & the wisdom of a relationship with your counselor & sponsor.

 

Be well.

[carhill]

 

Could you maybe expand on how you think her behavior may be connected to the addiction/relapses?

 

 

Sure, what I've noticed over the decades, again with alcoholics (sounds like the issue is a different addiction in your/her case) is that the alcohol is a self-medication for something organic or psychological and the confluence of the addiction process and the natural/organic brain/personality impels behavior sets, often erratic and unhealthy, as the cycles proceed, with cycle meaning the interplay of substance/brain/behavior/cessation/relapse, etc.

 

In my personal experience dating and mating with women, as well as with female friends, I've seen marked self-medication, and even potentially toxic mixing with pharma, for bi-polar disease, as one example. The resultant behaviors are often bizarre, like an alien has invaded, and erratic, stuff happening for no reason and apparently coming out of nowhere. I've seen it most vividly in the florid mania of BP1/2.

 

Usually, what I've seen occur, again with women, is when things go sideways, they'll sense my concern or puzzlement and if I communicate a clue that triggers them, they disappear. With women, there's always another guy who wants sex with them so men are easy to replace and the addicts/ill are women first and they know this. No sense in holding up a mirror or communicating/bargaining/compromising with a man when another one is fresh and ready to go.

 

You mention being a bit codependent. That makes sense. If you trended to a caretaker personality prior to your addiction, women instinctively pick up on it and those who need it or want to take advantage of it will definitely play the game to do so. It feeds them. Their id. They're hungry, especially when the average man they run into doesn't care and just wants to bang them. That was part of why I mentioned dating outside the community. I'm not up on all the recovery rules and stuff but it makes sense to me because IME female addicts, even in recovery, are famished. Don't be their meal. Get clean and sober and enjoy healthy and mutually satisfying relationships with people who don't suck you dry.

[beautifulearth83]

Sure, what I've noticed over the decades, again with alcoholics (sounds like the issue is a different addiction in your/her case) is that the alcohol is a self-medication for something organic or psychological and the confluence of the addiction process and the natural/organic brain/personality impels behavior sets, often erratic and unhealthy, as the cycles proceed, with cycle meaning the interplay of substance/brain/behavior/cessation/relapse, etc. <snip>

 

 

Thanks a lot. All of this makes sense. Especially the part about how my concern may have been more triggering than helpful. I need to allow her to find her way with other women in the program.

 

Oddly, after keeping her off my radar for the most part this week, she has begun to engage with me again, but I am not going to get my hopes up or even too involved. I need to look out for myself and work on other pursuits. If it is meant to be it will be, as they say.

 

Another thing that helped, was this morning I was contemplating the "if you love them, let them go" thing, and I do feel love for her, but noticed that I also coveted her, which isn't really love.

 

So I let it go. I felt all that stuck love leave my chest and I physically felt lighter and more balanced. It is up to fate and for her to decide what she wants.

Edited November 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[beautifulearth83]

If you are in recovery aren't you cautioned to avoid relationships & concentrate on your own sobriety? I fear that you are not yet strong enough to deal with a girl who is relapsing. You can't save her until you have saved yourself. Do discuss the possibility & the wisdom of a relationship with your counselor & sponsor.

 

Be well.

 

Thank you. These are true words. And it is important that I am responsible in these matters.

[Larry56]

Hello! I remember you. Thanks for your response.

 

Could you maybe expand on how you think her behavior may be connected to the addiction/relapses?

 

And you're probably right about seeking romance outside of recovery. I've had a lot of bad experiences with it

 

The stuff you're describing is actually very common among very healthy people. This is not actually something that is coming directly from someone who is ill because she is ill. You see this behaviour in regular people all the time. Hot and cold, distant and very attentive. I think you're getting it mixed up because you are identifying with her waaaay more than you're identifying with yourself. Because you feel sorry for her, you identify with her from the position that you want to help her. But her actions are telling me that she's actually not interested in your sexually.

 

Sorry bro.

[beautifulearth83]

The stuff you're describing is actually very common among very healthy people. This is not actually something that is coming directly from someone who is ill because she is ill. You see this behaviour in regular people all the time. Hot and cold, distant and very attentive. I think you're getting it mixed up because you are identifying with her waaaay more than you're identifying with yourself. Because you feel sorry for her, you identify with her from the position that you want to help her. But her actions are telling me that she's actually not interested in your sexually.

 

Sorry bro.

 

I'm willing to consider that as a possibility, but I also know that my feelings toward her weren't necessarily sexual, so it wouldn't be a surprise that none of that was activated in her. My main interest with her was to explore whatever connected we had, and see where it goes from there.

 

If her main focus is sexual attraction, or just "getting some", and I don't meet her criteria, then that is fine with me because that is not what I'm looking for.

 

I'm sure there are a number of ways to look at this. I'm just doing my best to look for the lessons in the situation and proceed with grace and dignity. So far, so good as I feel like I've let go a bit.

 

Thanks