mortensorchid Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Last week I had dinner with a guy friend of mine who I will call Dave. Bit of history behind me and him, this is how it went: I'd known him for a very long time, going back at least 20 years now. I admit, I had kind of a thing for him, but when I realized he didn't feel the same way (I'll get to why in a bit), I put it aside and said "ok we'll be friends then". And we were. About 15 years ago he moved away for a job, he would return sporadically as he was unhappy where he moved to and wanted to return to our hometown. About a year ago, he at last returned. He would come back every few years and I would see him off and on. He is now back in town living here, but he spends a lot of time on the road for his job and wanted our city to be his homebase from now on while he travels for this job. He and I got together for dinner the other day, I hadn't seen him in a few weeks/months, and he said he would be on the road until the end of the year. We had chatted about some of these things in the past, asked him once why it is that of the women I had seen him with in the past he tended to go for girls who were bigger. He said he wasn't sure, he never liked skinny girls. Oddly enough, I had another guy friend who also liked big girls and he was friendlier towards me in "that way" when I was a big girl (in 2006 I lost 40 lbs) but once I got thin again he friendzoned me. Oddly enough, when I knew Dave 20/15 years ago before he moved, I was on my way to getting bigger. But he didn't go for me. I assumed that now I was/am thinner he is friendzoning me, which is fine. He said he was leaving in a few days for his next trip, I said I would shoot him a text around Christmas. He said he wasn't sure if he would be around but he'd respond. He said that's kind of how he rolls, he doesn't communicate as often with others as he should, he realizes this is somewhat of an issue with him and friends/gfs in the past. I said I was fine with it, but since we're friends and not bf/gf that's different. He said "Well never say never about that". Never say never? What's he saying? That someday maybe? I'm not holding my breath it's been 20 years since I had a crush on him and I got over it. I didn't want to make him an offer either, for risk of being shot down. What now?
Highndry Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Hard to know what he meant or why he even made the comment, but time will not change a lack of interest in somebody. You are either attracted to them, or you're not, so I would bet that he's not interested, because he never was. I've also found that when I see women who I used to be interested in but who had a lack of interest in me in the past, I am no longer attracted to them at all.
Gretchen12 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 he doesn't communicate as often with others as he should, he realizes this is somewhat of an issue with him and friends/gfs in the past. I said I was fine with it, but since we're friends and not bf/gf that's different. He said "Well never say never about that". Maybe he meant never say his communication style will never be an issue? It's not clear at all and you don't have enough to go on.
Larry56 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 You know...I think you shouldn't look at the weight thing in the way you are. The reason why some guys are with bigger girls is because bigger girls actually treat regular guys ALOT better than thinner girls. Alot of guys end up in relationships with bigger girls because they actually will do the things you might not typically do. Doesn't sound like he's into you at all. So I wouldn't pine for this.
basil67 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 What now? Nothing - unless he actively shows interest in you AND changes his communication style to become more communicative.
carhill Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Yeah, IMO unless you're arguing over who gets the wet spot it's all carbon dioxide. Never say never? I personally don't like absolutes but if both people are available and in some contact for any significant length of time and nothing happens, nothing is going to happen. Enjoy the moments with the guy as they occur, presuming you want to, and date other men, presuming you're still in the relationship game.
Zippy2000 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 "Never say, never" is just a phrase. People use it all the time and plus some people use it as a bit of fun. I don't know your friend but guys can just be as flirty than women. I don't want o plant a seed into your head but something similar happened to me a few years ago. I had a girl I dated and she decied I wasn't the one for her but we kept in touch. She went through 3 boyfriends who treated her badly and after 6 years of being friends she asked me out after her 3rd relationship failed. People can change their minds but 20 years being friends? For me I would find it difficult to adjust. 1
nospam99 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 He said he was leaving in a few days for his next trip, I said I would shoot him a text around Christmas. He said he wasn't sure if he would be around but he'd respond. He said that's kind of how he rolls, he doesn't communicate as often with others as he should, he realizes this is somewhat of an issue with him and friends/gfs in the past. I said I was fine with it, but since we're friends and not bf/gf that's different. He said ''Well never say never about that''. Never say never? What's he saying? That someday maybe? I'm not holding my breath it's been 20 years since I had a crush on him and I got over it. I didn't want to make him an offer either, for risk of being shot down. What now? I'm not 'Dave'. (I am a hopeless romantic and a semi-eternal optimist.) If I had been on the male end of that conversation, it would have been a 'test' for reciprocal interest. OP, you've been around LS for a long time. You've posted threads about your dating 'misadventures'. And you've been 'scolded', IIRC including by me, for a negative attitude. Did you ask him what he meant by 'never say never ABOUT THAT'? If you have any remaining potential for romantic interest in Dave, even after 20 years, I suggest you either 'test' back in a flirty manner or, if you dare, take a direct path and ask him on a 'date'. 1
Logo Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 He might have felt a little uncomfortable when you told him that since you were not bf/gf it's not an issue. You did well to put it that way, though. So no harm done. In turn, his response to get out of the situation was, "Well, never say never." It's a phrase. It doesn't necessarily have any bearing on your situation. I realize that you want a relationship and that you had a crush on him, but some things he said just don't sit well with me. For example, "He said that's kind of how he rolls, he doesn't communicate as often with others as he should, he realizes this is somewhat of an issue with him and friends/gfs in the past." Is that really what you are looking for in a relationship? Do you want to be with someone who is away for weeks or months on end, or someone who doesn't communicate on a regular basis? It looks like not much has changed in the last 20 years. So manage your expectations accordingly.
Happy Lemming Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 I think the "Never say never" is a polite way of saying "No, thank you". He said it instead of "no, thank you" as he still wants to be your friend and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by making you feel completely rejected. Just my guess...
Author mortensorchid Posted November 6, 2018 Author Posted November 6, 2018 I suppose so, it's what it is. I'm okay being friends with him. But yes I think he would have said if he was interested in some way otherwise. It just struck me as odd he would say that after it had been a long time esta listed fact that we were friends not otherwise.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 7, 2018 Posted November 7, 2018 This bad communication thing is what jumps out at me ... disappearing so much that friends and partners have complained ... that seems like a red flag to me ... As to the "never say never" ... definitely poorly chosen words ... But ... if he's not communicating with friends and partners consistently ... the poorly chosen words are consistent with going silent. I have been burnt by people who have said the wrong thing like this ... and in my younger years, I so heard their words as "you might be interested." I had to confront an ex who dumped me a few years back--to stop her from calling me "darling." Bottom line: friendship sounds a safe place for you with him and even then he's gonna disappear some--and throw around confusing words.
Malin889 Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Why is he such a bad communicator and does everyone in his life hold on to his friendships/relationships even though he’s a bad communicator because he is such an outstanding guy? Is he really that great?
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