elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 As he can easily go out and find someone else to have sex with him: he wants to feel treasured by having someone(his girlfriend, you) offer to pay, AND actually pay, in it's entirety, for the stuff he wants. WE get all that but as he knows she is struggling to make ends meet, why is he demanding they go to a restaurant to eat and for her to pay for it? If the roles were reversed and she was earning 75K a year and he was a poor student scraping by, and she was expecting the full restaurant deal at his expense she would be classified as a heartless b*tch... and quite rightly. This is not some guy out for sex, this is not a date, this is her actual bf, he is supposed to have her back, just in the same way if he was a struggling student, she is supposed to support and care for him too.
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 WE get all that but as he knows she is struggling to make ends meet, why is he demanding they go to a restaurant to eat and for her to pay for it?. Did I miss something in this thread? From what I read he had no idea what her financial situation looks like. Where did she make that clear to him? If he doesn't know that changes things a little.
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Did I miss something in this thread? From what I read he had no idea what her financial situation looks like. Where did she make that clear to him? If he doesn't know that changes things a little. In August, I got into my dream grad program, and had to quit my job and move another state to do this. It's going to all be worth it, but right now I have no income except loans, my shrinking savings and anything my family gives me. I couldn't even pay my rent right now if I had to. And he knows all of this. I'm in a program that's so intense you're not able to work. First post ^^^ 1
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 But she also said he didn't know she only had $0.49 to her name. In his shoes I would assume that someone who voluntarily quit their job to go back to school could afford to go back to school as in had money in the bank to live on. Plus when he suggested going out & again when he asked her to pay, she didn't say anything. Because of that I'm still not sure what this guy actually knew. It's still problematic that the employed person sticks the student with the check but I can't help but think he has no idea how dire her financial situation is because she didn't spell it out as clearly as she thinks she did. 1
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 My personal take on this is that, when she earned 37K he was happy with that, but now she is in her dream grad program he is threatened and a bit annoyed and therefore punished her here. He knows she is struggling but "It serves her right for trying to better herself." It is passive aggression. Some men cannot cope with successful gfs/wives as it takes the shine off their own achievements. OR he is just a jerk who lives in a world where no-one is actually "poor", so is oblivious of the fact that some will even struggle to pay restaurant bills... 1
sabaton Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 My personal take on this is that, when she earned 37K he was happy with that, but now she is in her dream grad program he is threatened and a bit annoyed and therefore punished her here. He knows she is struggling but "It serves her right for trying to better herself." It is passive aggression. Some men cannot cope with successful gfs/wives as it takes the shine off their own achievements. OR he is just a jerk who lives in a world where no-one is actually "poor", so is oblivious of the fact that some will even struggle to pay restaurant bills... OP should end the relationship and find herself a grad student who makes the same amount that she does, and OP's boyfriend should find herself a woman who makes as much as he does or more, and that way it's not up to him the responsability to pay for half or for most of it or all of it, because there's someone else there who can pay for him too, from time to time. 1
brigit87 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 (edited) We've been together for 8 months, and I've always been good about picking up my end of things in the relationship. I'll split our checks at restaurants, There is your mistake. Don't pay right away. Let him pay for the first five dates then buy movie tickets. Lesson learned. Men will argue with this women will argue with this but it works. And let the guy open the door for you, open your car door and walk you to the door. OMG it's just not that hard. Edited November 5, 2018 by brigit87 1
Robert Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Let's keep this about the thread starter and her issue and not about the topic of who should pay for a date, there already is a topic on that on LoveShack. Thanks
guest569 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 My personal take on this is that, when she earned 37K he was happy with that, but now she is in her dream grad program he is threatened and a bit annoyed and therefore punished her here. He knows she is struggling but "It serves her right for trying to better herself." It is passive aggression. Some men cannot cope with successful gfs/wives as it takes the shine off their own achievements. OR he is just a jerk who lives in a world where no-one is actually "poor", so is oblivious of the fact that some will even struggle to pay restaurant bills... Yes and the fact that he suggested going out, insisted on it. Why he then expected his broke unemployed girlfriend to pay for their meals, makes you wonder if it was deliberate. Either way it doesn't make him look good. 1
Zapbasket Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 As I've gotten older I see so clearly now how precious the opportunity to further your education really is. In some cases it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity--to focus 100% on your studies without the burden of family, job, regular life. When I was in grad school I was dating someone. He understood my need and desire to get a graduate degree and understood why that particular program was the best for me, but he did resent that it made us long distance. I felt terribly about it but I also felt like this is a precious opportunity and I need to give it my all. I did. And it cost me the relationship. For years I felt so guilty and blamed myself, and then I had an epiphany: he was NOT worth it! I treasure what I gained during grad school and I am SO GLAD I did not budge for what he wanted. I believe that somewhere deep down I knew he wasn't the one and I say THANK GOD for my intuition being so much smarter than me! I say all this because playing misers' tit for tat (I know he's the only one playing) while you're trying to better yourself is just not at all worth it. You'll be so glad you put your all into receiving your degree. He really doesn't sound like a future supportive, loving husband and I think it's past time to ditch the guy. You want to go out to eat and you make 75k, you can jolly well pay for both you and your girlfriend. Unless he's paying off massive school loans or something, or laying aside a lot of money towards a house, 75k gives you enough disposable income for dinners out. 37k, not so much. And being in grad school? Forget it. Certainly not to pay for two people. Chuck this stingy ass and go kick some scholastic ass for a much better future than signs point to you having with this cheapo. 1
Zapbasket Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 Originally Posted by elaine567 My personal take on this is that, when she earned 37K he was happy with that, but now she is in her dream grad program he is threatened and a bit annoyed and therefore punished her here. He knows she is struggling but "It serves her right for trying to better herself." It is passive aggression. Some men cannot cope with successful gfs/wives as it takes the shine off their own achievements. OR he is just a jerk who lives in a world where no-one is actually "poor", so is oblivious of the fact that some will even struggle to pay restaurant bills... I think this is pretty on the money (pun intended ). OP should end the relationship and find herself a grad student who makes the same amount that she does, and OP's boyfriend should find herself a woman who makes as much as he does or more, and that way it's not up to him the responsability to pay for half or for most of it or all of it, because there's someone else there who can pay for him too, from time to time. Sure, if you want to reduce every relationship to simple economics. You know, except for one short period I have never made a ton of money, and yet I have no issue being generous, paying for my friend when we go out to dinner, buying gifts and cooking nice dinners for my boyfriends. I don't think twice about it because I'm not sitting there counting money (and yes, I do budget well overall), but rather focusing on the pleasure of being with the other person and the pleasure of being generous. So many posts here on LS about men who whine about paying this or that for their dates and I just want to say, geez, do you want a girlfriend? Then shut the F up! Stinginess is SUCH an unattractive quality; even poor people can exercise generosity, if not necessarily always with money. Sad for the boyfriend in this thread who can't focus on the long game and shoulder the cost of more of their date nights while she's in school, with the idea that when she graduates it will benefit BOTH of them. And even then, it really should just be about being a cheerleader and support for your loved one as she strives to achieve her dreams. Some men do get that, OP. Or should I say, some PEOPLE do get that. Sadly I don't think your bf is one of them.
stillafool Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 While I was reflecting on this, I also realized in the entire time we've been together, I've sent him a number of things--cards, little stupid gifts that remind me of him, a birthday present, etc. He never even sent me a birthday card. He did send me a gift for the first time a month ago, but that's been the only thing he's EVER gotten me. I don't think he's cheap, so I don't understand it. He's 30. I'm 27. I'm literally falling apart right now. You could buy me Mcdonald's and help me do homework or mop my floor and I'd be happy. Yeah, tell him this too when you have the talk.
Noproblem Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 why Op is not responding to our concerns and comments!
Noproblem Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 My personal take on this is that, when she earned 37K he was happy with that, but now she is in her dream grad program he is threatened and a bit annoyed and therefore punished her here. He knows she is struggling but "It serves her right for trying to better herself." It is passive aggression. Some men cannot cope with successful gfs/wives as it takes the shine off their own achievements. OR he is just a jerk who lives in a world where no-one is actually "poor", so is oblivious of the fact that some will even struggle to pay restaurant bills... Yeah, I feel he wanted to humiliate her!
David33 Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 Is it just showing he doesn't value me as much anymore? My life is literally falling apart right now and I need emotional support more than ever, and it really really hurt me. Am I just being too sensitive? I agree with smackie9, you should be talking openly and passionately with him until he gets it. You two don't live together so I don't see why he would pay for your groceries. Splitting is fine. Sure it would be great if he paid for you, that's a nice gesture. What ruins it for a guy though is the expectation of it especially if they're having their own problems. Go talk to him and let him know where you're at and what you need from him emotionally, support and financially. GL
preraph Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 I think you're going to have to tell him that you simply cannot afford to eat out now until you get back to work. Tell him you won't be able to afford anything until you get back to work including to feed him when he comes to town at home. Don't do it in anger. Just tell him that's how it is. He will either pick up the slack or he won't. If he doesn't he probably isn't going to get to see you very often. Because you can't afford to host him. You've been more than fair with money. I wouldn't even consider making this guy long-term until and unless you either make as much money as him or he understands that with you making half that you can't pay half in a long-term arrangement. 8 months is too early for that conversation, but little by little you need to make him understand that's the situation. 1
Calmandfocused Posted November 6, 2018 Posted November 6, 2018 Haven’t read the replies. Op I HAD to respond to you to give you a warning more than anything. The who pays what is irrelevant here. What this is demonstrating to me is that he’s selfish and thinks more of himself than he does you. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but let’s look at the facts- he knows that your struggling, he’s fully aware of your position ... yet he isn’t supporting you emotionally by taking advantage of your financially. He’d rather see you under more pressure than pay for something himself?... ugg! ... I’d think about this long and hard. I’ve been here. I was married to a narcissist for 10 years. Once you’ve got your degree and start earning more than him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never pays for anything again. He’s already in a pattern of expectation from you which will likely get much worse 1
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