Boyfriend asked me to pay for dinner?

[Cam1]

We've been together for 8 months, and I've always been good about picking up my end of things in the relationship. I'll split our checks at restaurants, or trade off completely, and I've never asked him to pay for food when we go to the grocery, or buy me gas.

 

We went on vacation this summer, and I paid for half our nights lodgings, and just as much of our transportation and food, even to the point where one night we were at an upscale restaurant, and the server joked, "wow, do you have a sister?" when I got the bill.

 

For most of the time we've been together, I had a full time job, making half of what he does annually (I made 35k, he makes 75k), but I still tried to pay my way.

 

In August, I got into my dream grad program, and had to quit my job and move another state to do this. It's going to all be worth it, but right now I have no income except loans, my shrinking savings and anything my family gives me. I couldn't even pay my rent right now if I had to. And he knows all of this. I'm in a program that's so intense you're not able to work.

 

The semester has cranked up, and the last week of my life has been hell, and he knows it. Just one bad thing after another. He came to visit for the weekend, and on Friday night he wanted to go out to dinner, at my favorite fast casual restaurant (I offered we could make what I had in the freezer). We drive to the restaurant, he asked me to pay for dinner. I don't know why, but it made me feel like utter crap, embarrassed me (NOTHING ever embarrasses me) and ruined dinner--at the place that is my happy place--and after I cried. What he didn't know, was I had .49 cents in my checking account when we walked in the restaurant.

 

He apologized to me after when we talked about it and I asked him why, but I still feel kind of off about the whole thing. He's never outright asked me to pay before, but until the last two months, I've always been much more willing to pay. When we started dating, he even would split ubers with me, if he wasn't in the car. So what changed that now he was thinking I should pay for our (cheap) dinner with no income, after the worst week I've had in months?

 

My ex made 75k too, and he always paid (yes i'd pay for dinner or drinks here and there, but he never had the expectation my current partner seems to have that i'll pay.).

 

We had this conversation Friday night, then yesterday I paid my own way for brunch (MY IDEA), and we went to the grocery last night, and I paid the $45 in groceries, which I don't mind, but(he didn't even offer.

 

Is it just showing he doesn't value me as much anymore? My life is literally falling apart right now and I need emotional support more than ever, and it really really hurt me. Am I just being too sensitive?

[smackie9]

Hun you should be having this conversation with HIM not us.

[alphamale]

men are generally not good at emotional support, you should ask your mom or sister or a female friend

[smackie9]

Men are not mind readers either....so talk to him about this.

[Cam1]

While I was reflecting on this, I also realized in the entire time we've been together, I've sent him a number of things--cards, little stupid gifts that remind me of him, a birthday present, etc. He never even sent me a birthday card. He did send me a gift for the first time a month ago, but that's been the only thing he's EVER gotten me. I don't think he's cheap, so I don't understand it.

 

He's 30. I'm 27.

 

I'm literally falling apart right now. You could buy me Mcdonald's and help me do homework or mop my floor and I'd be happy.

[alphamale]

You could buy me Mcdonald's...

 

they have a new meal deal for $6. It includes a sandwich (Filet, QP with cheese, Big Mac or 10pc Chix Nuggets), small fries, any size drink and an apple pie.

[NuevoYorko]

He sounds selfish.

[smackie9]

you know what....maybe he lost his job and didn't tell you yet because he knows you are going through a rough time. Stop overreacting and being all dramatic. Be an adult and talk to him.....ask him questions to clear up your anxiety. And BTW yes there are people that frickin cheap and feel they are the ones being taken for granted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But seriously tho...you couldn't tell him you had 49 cents to your name? What kind of GF are you for not telling the truth?

Edited November 4, 2018 by smackie9

[Noproblem]

8 months is nothing.

He is selfish and not considerate at all!

You are starting a new program, start fresh and without baggage or burden.

 

I am sure there are many signs that he is not the right person for you, so you don't need someone to be happy and if you did need someone, you need someone who is understanding, supportive, considerate, nice and definitely not cheap!

 

I am all about sharing with others, but when the other is not doing his fair share and also not considerate, I am done with them!

 

Life is too short to waste on such people!

 

You know what. I thought I was done, but no no no I am not. This pisses me off, it pisses me off when people use our kindness and politeness and start being greedy and demanding.

 

If he goes out with another girl, he'll buy her stuff and pay her dinner and everything, but with you, he wants you to your share and even more, he even asked you pay for his dinner when he damn sure know you are out of job now! Meanwhile, had it been a new girl he met, he'll do anything to impress her and get in her pants, but you, you are giving him everything, yet he demands more! What a xxxxxxxxxxx.

[Gretchen12]

This is the kind of guy he is. If you're ok with that, I'm not gonna advise you to leave him. I just wouldn't put up with that myself, after having been treated really well. How great is he otherwise? He'd have to be very special in other ways to compensate for this.

[smackie9]

you had anxiety about him months ago and everyone said you were over reacting....maybe your anxiety is flaring up again and little things are making your imagination run wild because you are under a lot of stress.

 

 

 

let your house go messy, and eat at your parents for dinner while you do your laundry there...or simply move in with them. There are plenty of ways to lift financial burden. Stop worrying about who's picking up the tab.

[olivetree]

He sounds super cheap.

I would be really turned off.

Not the kind of man I'd ever date...

 

It's up to you though if you want to live this way.

If this is your biggest problem and you've been okay with the arrangement till now then it's worth discussing before throwing in the towel.

[elaine567]

I suspect something deeper is going on and he is punishing you.

After you finish your dream grad program how much will you then earn?

[Art_Critic]

IMO, he is being cheap... with you only having .49 in the bank there is no way a generous giving guy would have made you pay for dinner, however since he didn't know he should get a pass, but a small one..

Communicate.. Communicate...

 

I would however point out that only a dense guy would think you could afford dinner even though you never made him aware of your numbers.. he certainly was made aware of you having to make your life choices with school and he knew you weren't as well off as he is...

 

I say you discuss this with him and work it out, hopefully his cheap side will keep in check and his nicer side will prevail...

With all the things you do for him in the relationship I don't think him paying for dinners is out of wack.

[Lorenza]

What a guy...You've suggested to make food at home yet he wanted to eat out anyway. If he insists on eating at a restaurant after you've made it clear you'd prefer to eat at home and you are low on cash, he pays. No excuse.

What you could have done in this situation, is to refuse to pay. Be clear. You're willingly putting yourself in this victimized position by obediently paying for things you can't afford, giving him gifts while he doesn't reciprocate and basically being way too nice. You can't force him to be generous, but you can stop yourself from spending more money on this loser.

And btw - dump him.

[d0nnivain]

It's not easy to talk about money but when he suggested dinner out that was your cue to say "No I can't afford it." Then he could have said he was willing to treat or accepted your offer to cook.

 

It sucks that he upset you & ruined your happy place but he didn't know you only had $0.49 to your name. He's probably been out of school a while & forgotten what it's like to be a broke student.

 

As for the gift thing he could just be stingy / miserly. That can be overcome if you talk about expectations. My husband was a bad tipper & kind of cheap when I met him. I just lead by example & now he's a generous person.

[Simple Logic]

I would not waste the electrons to text this guy to break up with him. Block him and go on with life.

[Mrs._December]

While I was reflecting on this, I also realized in the entire time we've been together, I've sent him a number of things--cards, little stupid gifts that remind me of him, a birthday present, etc. He never even sent me a birthday card. He did send me a gift for the first time a month ago, but that's been the only thing he's EVER gotten me. I don't think he's cheap, so I don't understand it.

 

He's 30. I'm 27.

 

I'm literally falling apart right now. You could buy me Mcdonald's and help me do homework or mop my floor and I'd be happy.

Sorry, but he's a cheap f*ck, plain and simple.

 

How utterly STINGY of him when he knows you're going through a financial crisis at the moment. Jesus, is he that freakin' stingy that he can't even treat his broke girlfriend to a lousy meal at Applebees?

 

There's cheap and then there's stingy. This guy is BOTH.

[alphamale]

There's cheap and then there's stingy. This guy is BOTH.

 

I like to use the term "frugal" but to each his own

[beerdrinker]

As a guy..... This isn't good..... Something else is driving this. Regardless, you should have straight out said that you didn't have the cash to go out but at the end of the day, if he knew you were having a crappy week and still suggested that you go out - bill should have been in his hand.

 

Simply the gesture of support to say, "Hey, you've had a rough week - I got this!".... If he had no intention of paying in the first place, if he knew you didn't have the cash - that may have been his clue to just eat in.

 

And not paying for groceries? What kind of guy is this?

 

I get that things are different out there these days when it comes to independence and all but some sense of chivalry should still be prevalent within these guys... I personally don't get it.

[damni]

I agree with everyone else that he is stingy BUT have a talk about it.

 

My boyfriend of 6 months was the same, we halfed everything and one day i snapped and we had the talk.

 

He treats me much more now...but he doesn't earn as much as your guy. If he did I be even more annoyed as he earns double what you do.

 

If he doesn't change after a talk, I dump him as this could continue as your relationship progresses.

[snowboy91]

In August, I got into my dream grad program, and had to quit my job and move another state to do this. It's going to all be worth it, but right now I have no income except loans, my shrinking savings and anything my family gives me. I couldn't even pay my rent right now if I had to. And he knows all of this. I'm in a program that's so intense you're not able to work.

 

...

 

What he didn't know, was I had .49 cents in my checking account when we walked in the restaurant. [/b]

 

Ok wait, so what did and didn't he know at the time? I'm going to assume that you said you're having a hard time financially with lack of income, but he didn't know your bank balance was only 49 cents. As soon as he asked you to pay, you should have said so - I doubt he knew how bad your situation was.

 

Aside from that though, his behaviour has been really inconsiderate. It's terrible manners to invite someone out to dinner and expect them to pay - he's sponging off you. And he knew you were in a tough position. I have no idea what was going through his head to think he should expect you to pay for the whole lot.

 

We had this conversation Friday night, then yesterday I paid my own way for brunch (MY IDEA), and we went to the grocery last night, and I paid the $45 in groceries, which I don't mind, but(he didn't even offer.

 

And you told him exactly why you were upset the other night and he still decides to sponge off you. If I were in your position I'd call that a deal breaker.

[guest569]

Men are not mind readers either....so talk to him about this.

 

Smackie.. Hun. She DID talk to him about it. She has spoken to him beforehand about her situation and she spoke to him after the dinner about it. He knows her financial situation is dire. He knows they normally go halves in things but lately she can't afford rent. He earns 75k,op earns 0. Yet he is asking her to pay? They spoke about it after and he apologised. But is that enough? I don't think so. Being a man doesn't mean he is not capable of providing support (financial or emotional). She is not overreacting at all. I would ditch the guy. If he is not tight then he is an inconsiderate idiot.

Edited November 5, 2018 by smiley1

[sabaton]

We've been together for 8 months, and I've always been good about picking up my end of things in the relationship. I'll split our checks at restaurants, or trade off completely, and I've never asked him to pay for food when we go to the grocery, or buy me gas. <SNIP>

 

It doesn't really matter that he makes a lot more money than you. He still wants to feel that you are with him because you enjoy his company, because you are attracted to him, and because you enjoy sex with him.

 

Having him pay all of the bills or in your case half of the bills -even if he was Bill Gates - is going to start making him feel like he's just there to provide with the cash, mostly, because you're not paying for all of it, and even though you have sex with him and that's great, that's not all a guy is expecting from his girlfriend, you know?

 

As he can easily go out and find someone else to have sex with him: he wants to feel treasured by having someone(his girlfriend, you) offer to pay, AND actually pay, in it's entirety, for the stuff he wants.

Edited November 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Smackie.. Hun. She DID talk to him about it. She has spoken to him beforehand about her situation and she spoke to him after the dinner about it. He knows her financial situation is dire. He knows they normally go halves in things but lately she can't afford rent. He earns 75k,op earns 0. Yet he is asking her to pay? They spoke about it after and he apologised. But is that enough? I don't think so. Being a man doesn't mean he is not capable of providing support (financial or emotional). She is not overreacting at all. I would ditch the guy. If he is not tight then he is an inconsiderate idiot.

 

 

No she didn't talk to him about it. She offered to make dinner. When they went out, he asked her to pay & she did but "what he didn't know was that she had $0.49 in her account." She said she cried but she didn't say she cried in front of him. Then she said she thought about things later, after the grocery store & after he left.

 

If her financial situation is so vastly different then when she was working, she needs to tell him her limits. He probably assumed that if she quit her job to go back to school that she had savings to live on. In his shoes I would never assume that somebody who voluntarily took themselves out of the work force to pursue an education was impoverishing themselves to do that.

 

Unless she tells him she's broke, he has no way of knowing.

 

It's still cruddy that the employed person expects the student to pay but before we lynch him we need to confirm what he knew & what he didn't know.