soccergirl97 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 A bit of background, I am a freshman in college and he is a junior. I have been talking to this guy from class for the entire semester and he seems like an interesting guy. We have a lot in common, one day he asked me on to get dinner. During dinner I asked what he wanted in a relationship. He said that he is busy and would only have time to go on one date a week and he would want me to come to his place a few times a week to hookup. I don't know how to feel because the date went really well and I like him but it was weird him saying that he would like to see me "a few times a week" just to hookup. Is this normal for college guys to expect?
Estes Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Yes he's trying to use you but to his credit he's not trying to hide the fact.
alphamale Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 young people like to treat each other like crap
Author soccergirl97 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Posted November 4, 2018 Yes he's trying to use you but to his credit he's not trying to hide the fact. Should I tell him I will not see him just to hookup. Only after a date if I want to will I. What is the current standard for this now a-days. Because all my friends are saying guys are not even willing to bring them on dates and expect to hookup.
AngryGromit Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 So he want's to set up a friends with benefit situation one the first date? Does he want to use you? I would think so. Have more self respect for yourself, at least get to know him better first by dating for him awhile, make sure he's interested in you more than just free sex.
basil67 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Should I tell him I will not see him just to hookup. Only after a date if I want to will I. No. Tell him that you're looking for a relationship, so he's not the right fit for you. Hang out on here for a while and you'll find plenty of young men who want a relationship. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 (edited) Actually I work with young people, and trust me: there are plenty of people dating ... Yes, there is hooking up ... But there is also straight-up, just-me-and-you-exclusive dating. And almost all of them (I hear their stories and young people are incredibly open these days about sex and dating--especially compared to my generation) ... almost all of them are open to dating exclusively someone who they are really into. So if you want to date, keep moving and find a guy who wants to date ... and yes, someone who wants to date will want to see you a lot and not just for a "hookup." There have been some good surveys on college students and hooking up ... and the whole "hookup culture" is probably exaggerated. In fact, a significant number of people engaging in hookups are hoping for a committed relationship. There are even people who go on Tinder and then establish relationships beyond the casual hookup. So go for what you want. And no, this guy isn't "the norm." He's just shockingly honest and direct. Trust me, if he wants to only hook up with you, he probably has a friend or roommate who'd secretly (they don't tell him) want to seriously date you. You'll know when you encounter someone who wants to date serious. You'll have a blast just hanging out, talking about life, politics, values, majors ... and you'll enjoy having dinner together, going to the movies, going for ice cream as well as spending your "intimate" time together. Tell him no, you're not interested. At least that's how I read you. And just to be clear, you should take his words absolutely literally. Nothing I say above is meant to say that this guy wants a relationship. I'm not sure he's "using" you ... because as an earlier poster said, he's totally honest. He's not lying or manipulating you. Here is a really good article: https://www.teenvogue.com/story/hookup-culture-myth-dating-college ... the shock is how vague "hooking up" is ... and how the number of sexual partners college students have in their careers is about the same as in years past. Edited November 4, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
OnlyHonesty Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Should I tell him I will not see him just to hookup. Only after a date if I want to will I. What is the current standard for this now a-days. Because all my friends are saying guys are not even willing to bring them on dates and expect to hookup. That translates to you saying you will hook up as long as he takes you out for a coffee first. This is the problem with many nowadays. The guy has made it clear he only wants something casual. You clearly want something more serious but you are trying to negotiate. What you need to do is stick to your boundaries instead of trying to be flexible with them. 1
Author soccergirl97 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Posted November 4, 2018 That translates to you saying you will hook up as long as he takes you out for a coffee first. This is the problem with many nowadays. The guy has made it clear he only wants something casual. You clearly want something more serious but you are trying to negotiate. What you need to do is stick to your boundaries instead of trying to be flexible with them. When told me what he wanted, I did not mention he said we would be exclusive and call it boyfriend/girlfriend. He really is busy, he is an athlete and works a job, how many dates should I expect for him to bring me on a week so I know he is not using me.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Ok, I'm getting a different sense of your question. So you are interested? ... You are OK with hooking up multiple times a week and one day of sorta hanging out? And you're worried about what? ... What does being "used" mean? If you want to hook up with him, and you and he hooks up, then you're not being "used"? .... By "used" do you mean, how do you know he won't suddenly dump you? Or that he won't sleep with another woman? FWB's are inherently less stable than other relationships ... if this is your first serious relationship, then you might be over your head ... You might wanna start with a more straight-forward relationship. But ... clarify what you mean by "used"? Example: a woman who says she was used typically means the guy was lying to her ... said he loved her but really only wanted sex with her ... then met someone else and dumped her ... and doesn't speak to her, say, on campus. "Used" is like you're rich, and a guy hangs with you to get access to your money. You buy him something big ... and he's gone ... the worst is he's gone and he's talking bad about you. Used means someone treats you as a means to a different end--not the end of spending time with you--the end of getting in a club, or sleeping with you ... etc. What do you mean by "used"?
snowboy91 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Should I tell him I will not see him just to hookup. Only after a date if I want to will I. What is the current standard for this now a-days. Because all my friends are saying guys are not even willing to bring them on dates and expect to hookup. If you're in college I'm going to assume you're in your early 20s? At that age a lot of guys (and girls too) are looking for a bit of fun and aren't looking for anything too serious. But by "a lot" I don't mean everyone. There are plenty of guys your age who do want an exclusive relationship - as basil said, there are enough threads started here by guys in your age bracket wanting to find a relationship, or having trouble in one. Anyway the current "standard" is that there really isn't one except for the standard you decide to set. If you want a relationship with emotional connection and not casual sex, then say so, be clear about it. Some people do want casual sex - which is fine for them but not for you. Nothing wrong with that.
snowboy91 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 When told me what he wanted, I did not mention he said we would be exclusive and call it boyfriend/girlfriend. He really is busy, he is an athlete and works a job, how many dates should I expect for him to bring me on a week so I know he is not using me. How long is a piece of string? Totally up to you. Whether it's just on the weekends, weeknight dates, etc - it's up to you to decide (and you can adjust as your feelings change). Although if he is as busy as you say he is, you have to seriously consider whether he is able to spend as much time with you as you feel you need. You seem really concerned about "being used". While I don't really like the terminology of people "using" or "being used" in a relationship or sex (and I'm with Lotsgoingon in asking what you mean by "being used"), I'm assuming you mean you want to make sure he doesn't just have sex with you and not try to get to know you/treat you badly/dump you quickly? If so you need to be clear to yourself on what you expect when dating or in a relationship, ie. how much of an emotional connection do you need before you'll have sex with someone? How secure do you need to feel? At the very least it seems like he's being completely honest about his own expectations. If his don't line up with yours, then don't pursue him.
LoverOfDance Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Lord Jesus, this man only wants something casual but he'll tell you he is looking for a girlfriend because he knows you like how that sounds and he knows you want something more serious. In his mind, hooking up with you several times a week and properly hanging out only once every week is a relationship. Well, it is but it is a casual one. My last relationship was with a University athlete as well. He told me he was too busy to hang out. We only hung out once a week when i asked to hang out. He barely ever asked me out as he was "too busy with football". My current boyfriend is just as busy. Wakes up very early for work. During our first few months, he stayed up several times to hang out with me and would only get like 4 hours of sleep or so. I don't let him do that anymore though as it is quite unhealthy. We worked out a better system. You shouldn't settle for what this guy is offering. He is not available to give you what you really want. If you go ahead with this, you will be unsatisfied with him 90% of the time. You'll also become one of those people who are "in a relationship but feel lonely". I hope you give this more thought and make the right decision. 1
Andy_K Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 It sounds like you've already made up your mind to see this guy, but you're trying to figure out how to justify it Is this normal for college guys to expect? Why? If it's 'normal' would that be the green light you need to go ahead with it? He's made it abundantly clear here that he wants to put zero effort in, and just have you come over to his to hook up. how many dates should I expect for him to bring me on a week so I know he is not using me It's not about the number of dates, it's about the quality of time & communication, the level of respect and consideration. Given you're asking this question at all though, it's fairly obvious you'll be completely oblivious to whether he's treating you that way or not. You're wearing love goggles! Again, you're trying to find a way to justify seeing him and get past all the warning bells you've already seen. If you do go for it, at least make sure you learn from the experience, rather than getting stuck in a pattern of being available for unavailable guys. 1
smackie9 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 omg stop...just stop! no one is using anyone here. Sex isn't currency that buys you a relationship. It would be different if he mislead you, lied about his expectations but he's not. He's being totally honest about what he is interested in...casual dating, FWB, booty call, whatever name you put on it...believe it or not some women are happy/comfortable with this arrangement too. It's obvious he wants to focus on his studies more so than investing his energy into a full blown relationship. He, and like most people want to have a release once in awhile, and this would be ideal for him. Now.... he answered your question, and it turns out it's not what you are looking for, so the next step is to not go out with him again...why make this more complicated, when it's just a simple process of see if you are on the same page with your expectations....geee whizzzzz!
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 A bit of background, I am a freshman in college and he is a junior. I have been talking to this guy from class for the entire semester and he seems like an interesting guy. We have a lot in common, one day he asked me on to get dinner. During dinner I asked what he wanted in a relationship. He said that he is busy and would only have time to go on one date a week and he would want me to come to his place a few times a week to hookup. I don't know how to feel because the date went really well and I like him but it was weird him saying that he would like to see me "a few times a week" just to hookup. Is this normal for college guys to expect? You can only be used if you allow yourself to be used. This guy clearly doesn't want a "real" relationship and he's being honest about that. He gets credit for that. You're looking for a real relationship, he's isn't. You're not on the same dating page to start with. He isn't doing anything wrong. Having a nice date doesn't mean anything more than just having a nice date -- until dating goal clarity is reached -- and that has happened in this situation. There are women who would be ok with that scenario and he knows it. As long as both people are good with it, there's no harm.
olivetree Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 It sounds like a business transaction. You think that if he takes you on a certain number of dates then it is okay to hook up. It's simple. This guy is willing to give you whatever label you want and hang out once a week if you will give him sex a few times a week. Does that sound like someone who wants to get serious or is really into you? There is zero romance here. If you want the real thing, have some self respect and find someone else. If you will go along on his terms, have sex, get attached and assume you can change his mind into wanting a relationship with you, trust me, that won't happen. If he sees you willing to go along with being a booty call when you want more, he will have no respect for you. Without respect, there is no love.
carhill Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 It feels good to wrap things up in emotions but humans use each other constantly. Life is transactional unless one is living as a hermit off the land. Dinners and the occasional mutual sex session. As a young man all wrapped up in the Hallmark bouquet of roses you and me forever programming I would have said no way. Now? They're just moments. If a woman wants to take me to dinner, or me her, and bang me once in awhile, I can go fishing in between. Win-win. I don't consider her to be using me. We use each other for mutual benefit and pleasure. If other options supersede, cool, move on.
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