USN_CyberWarrior Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 So, please bare with me, as this might be a long thread. So, I've recently started dating this young woman I've met online. She's a graduate student, and she's originally from Mongolia. We've been on 3 dates so far, with the 4th planned tomorrow in a two week period. I've noticed a few things about her so far. Things have moved a little slow; she's a little shy and socially awkward, so things haven't gotten physical yet. I caught her in a kiss by surprise in the third date, and she started blushing and smiling, and stuttering a bit when I dropped her off. She's pretty cute and quirkey. Communication wise, I've noticed she's never one to initiate, but she'll usually respond fairly quickly. She's always not shy about telling me she had a nice time during our dates via text, and she's always eager to plan the next date. Each date so far has been planned during the follow up "I just made it home" text. Now, ( and this is totally on me) I have already invested a lot of time, money, energy, and gas on this girl. I live in Baltimore and she lives in Northern VA, and I've done all the driving, payed for dinner, sat in DC traffic. It does add up. Even though I probably could, I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'd prefer not to. I'm back busy professional and this is already taking up most of my free time. I'd like to move into exclusive territory with her if that's appropriate. I'd feel pretty stupid if I invested all this time and money into one person if they're also seeing other people. Is it appropriate to ask? If she is interested in being exclusive, great! But if she's seeing other people I'd probably back off and weigh my other options. Am I being reasonable with this line of thinking? 1
smackie9 Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Just ask her to be your GF. Pretty simple....but are you really sure you want this?? All this driving, spending money and all your free time, sounds like a chore. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 You sound resentful ... or like two dates away from resentful. This feeling simply means you're probably working too hard, paying too much money for dates and so on. Just keep in mind, spending money does not mean this woman owes you anything at all. And spending money on someone does not win their loyalty. Wins their smiles when you give them a gift ... but not any loyalty or commitment. Go for less expensive dates and relax ... invite her to your place or go to hers for a weekend ... figure out how to make dating her a lot easier ... and then over time, you'll get to the exclusive conversation. And find a way to let her work to get to visit you ... If this feels like a lot of work now, it will feel like a lot of work later ... So this might not be the right woman for you to date. 2
Chilli Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 (edited) First thing you should do is study her culture, she sounds traditional even if she talks western, so your not dealing with just anyone, like your probably use to. Nothing you've said is any surprise l'd be a lot more surprised if she moved any faster than that. And l doubt very much you'd even have to worry about other people l'd be gobsmacked if she's even thinking about anyone else. Edited November 4, 2018 by Chilli 1
Author USN_CyberWarrior Posted November 6, 2018 Author Posted November 6, 2018 Well, I asked her to be my girlfriend and the answer "I really like you and i am enjoying going out and getting to know you, i just wanna take things slow and see where things go " See said she's also seeing another guy but it's not serious. Honestly, I'm a little taken aback and bummed out. I like her, but I don't know if it's really worth the effort since I'm putting in all the work. Part of me wants to walk away. Full disclosure, I'm a year out of a broken marriage where my ex cheated and ran off with another guy, so I'm not looking to get my emotions stomped on right now. She knows what I've been through. I understand it's her right, and I'm not entitled to anything, but it's also my right to not stay in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. The beautiful thing about not being married is you can walk away anytime. I guess that's why I don't see what the big deal is with focusing on one person. Not going well? Just part ways. I don't see myself as the type of person that can go months seeing someone and attempting to connect emotionally and be vulnerable while that person is actively dating other people. It just doesn't make me comfortable. 1
Chilli Posted November 7, 2018 Posted November 7, 2018 (edited) Be damned , it's obviously not old school or her culture then , that probably means she's a bit iffy about you then sorry soooo, l really wouldn't get my hopes up. ps , l wouldn't even consider someone seeing other people anyway myself, up to you Edited November 7, 2018 by Chilli
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2018 Posted November 7, 2018 Your investment gave you a $%^&&* return. Time to next her.
Author USN_CyberWarrior Posted November 8, 2018 Author Posted November 8, 2018 I have a date planned with her Friday. I think I'm going to to let her know how I feel about the situation. If we can't find any common ground, I'll be walking away. On another note... I didn't text her at all yesterday. Then I noticed she viewed OLD profile out of the blue. That the first time since before I met her. Any reason for that? Do you think she can tell I'm pulling away?
Mumbles Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 Well, so much to say.... Firstly, the obvious ... gifts should be treated as gifts, not as half hidden reciprocal contracts. Give them freely. Gifts you say? Yes, your time, your money, the gas and so on and so forth. Spend those things as makes you happy, give them freely and without any thoughts, even hidden internally, that something has to come your way as a result. This was the biggest single thing I learned after my first divorce. I was approaching the 'giving' side of myself completely incorrectly. What this means in the real world is that you should go on dates, drive for hours, spend money, because _you_ want to do those things and though the lady here will be the beneficiary of those acts of kindness, give them freely, unencumbered. The giving of a gift, of time (for example) should bring you pleasure, in the act of giving. Now, again, real world, how can this work to make you happy? Well, honesty. Be honest. If you love spending time with her, be honest about it, to yourself as well as to her. However, if its all part of an expensive plot to simply get her into bed, well, be honest about that too ... both with yourself and with her (use decent language here, don't be a brute of course). Its not a conversation about how you've given her multiple gifts over time therefore she 'owes' you a roll in the hay. Its a conversation about how you find her really attractive and would like to take things to a physical level. The gift giving, and the physical relations are not related, and should not be. I should be able to have sex with a woman who I find attractive, and who herself finds me attractive, without any gift offerings. But it requires honesty to get here. My head was in a strange place before I got divorced. I grew a lot as a result of separation. These days, I understand myself better than I ever did as a young man. My approach won't be suitable for anyone but me - everyone is different in subtle (and maybe not so subtle!) ways. At this stage in my life, its tits or GTFO. I'm by no stretch of the imagination a PUA, not in the slightest, but I am totally honest with myself. If I'm after a sexual relationship, then lets not faff about constructing elaborate schemes, lets get to it. If I'm not after a sexual encounter then all the effort and money spent building a friendship is not seen, by me, as wasted ... its not even really an 'effort', I give of myself those things I am able to give and am happy to give ... freely, and I enjoy the road I'm on. There is no 'ultimate goal'. 3
CollinW Posted November 8, 2018 Posted November 8, 2018 I have a date planned with her Friday. I think I'm going to to let her know how I feel about the situation. If we can't find any common ground, I'll be walking away. On another note... I didn't text her at all yesterday. Then I noticed she viewed OLD profile out of the blue. That the first time since before I met her. Any reason for that? Do you think she can tell I'm pulling away? You're doing to much and need to chill for a second. First of all you shouldn't have been doing so much straight from the jump. Second you don't have any control in control of the situation. She already has you wrapped around her finger and she literally hasn't done anything. What exactly have you gotten out of this situation but a friendly kiss and some wasted time? Third you've been on a few dates and you barely know her so what common ground are you looking for? If she liked you that much she wouldn't be dating someone else or taking it slow. She would also be putting in some sort of effort which she clearly isn't. She's not into you as much as you are into her. Don't tell her how you feel, you'll just come off looking weak and desperate. You need to continue dating her under the realization it's casual and lower your expectations and your output. You also need to date other people so you don't continue to get caught up.
Mumbles Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 I don't know what sort of personality the OP is - and time is needed now, 12 months or so out, to reinvent oneself. Myself, I needed some time, real time, to look deep inside and work out who I was and what I expected and wanted from life. The original plan, forever marriage, white picket fence, all that, was burned to the ground - need to reevaluate.
alphamale Posted November 9, 2018 Posted November 9, 2018 so you've known each other two weeks and you're already naming the children?? wtf
Mumbles Posted November 10, 2018 Posted November 10, 2018 so you've known each other two weeks and you're already naming the children?? wtf Yes indeed. Thats why I recommend having a look internally to see what the OP really wants. We don't do things for no reason. Whats the driving force behind wanting to move so quickly? Asking to be exclusive before even having properly had a resolution to the 'girlfriend' question indicates, I think, a driving desire for something ... but what? Thats the burning question ... and its incredibly important post divorce as lots of change has happened in a relatively short period of time. Need some more introspection and engagement here from the OP - we've all got our life experiences are we're here to help if we can.
Recommended Posts