Should I be listening to this? **Updated**

[Fair]

{snip}

Honestly, his lame reason for not wanting to commit to you is unimportant because it's a GIFT. You just don't realize what a gift it really IS. Yay you - you end up NOT having to financially carry this loafer through life while he continues pining away for his ex-wife who 'done him wrong' and dealing with all the other baggage that comes with an emotionally stunted supposed adult.

 

It's a win/win.

 

For YOU.

 

I really want to thank you for this quote. In fact, I copied and pasted it to my desktop to read over when I need to.

 

He came into my life at a moment when I was vulnerable and took advantage of it, and now I'm left alone trying to pick up the pieces. So, this was refreshing to hear. Not one other poster had anything to say about it when I said he doesn't have a regular job (can't even commit to that) and can't pay his bills... no one pointed out so candidly what a loser he is... and every word you said about him is true. And I needed to hear it and be validated. Thanks.

Edited November 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Fair]

My ex and I agreed to stay friends after a three month rocky relationship in which he really didn't treat me well.

 

Last night I was having a panic attack, and as he lives around the corner from me I called him and he came over to be with me until I calmed down. When I was settled, he sat down and began to talk.

 

He began by admitting he hadn't treated me very well as a girlfriend, and then went on to spill his guts by telling me things I didn't ask about. He admitted he's been perpetually single ever since his short lived marriage 20 years ago because he's never been able to 'bond emotionally' with anyone, and that even with his wife, he'd been cold and 'on the edge of having no emotions" so he treated her badly just like he treated me. When she cheated on him he then shut his emotions right off and he's never been able to feel ANYTHING for anyone since.

 

This is the real reason he's been single for so long. This is the reason he's a loner, and never even tries to approach women. He hoped with me it would be different, he said, but it wasn't and he knows he's never going to be able to feel love, but that he is capable of caring and of friendship.

 

I felt creeped out when he told me this. Never would I have expected him to tell me he's literally incapable of becoming attached or feeling love...

 

I'm writing this because today I still feel disturbed by this. Maybe more than I should. Not because I want to get back together but because of the whole scenario... I was with an empty shell of a person for three and a half months... and now the whole thing seems like a lie, even the nice things he did for me I now see as predatory. Looking back, he did seem to have an 'agenda' for every nice thing he did for me.

 

I wonder if he still has an agenda for wanting to stay friends and keep helping me out with odd jobs like shoveling snow when I need it. I'm trying to get my head around this. It knocks me off balance. Never once did it seem to me he was incapable of feeling emotion while we were dating even though he was dismissive and unkind and hard to get close to on an emotional level.... I'm second guessing everything now, even wondering now if I should keep him on as a friend.

 

What do you all think of this? How would you feel and how would you handle this. I'm alone in a lonely, small town and he's really the only 'friend' I have in it.

 

Feeling sick. And disturbed.

[basil67]

The fact that someone is broken in a certain part of their life doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. He seems to care about you adequately on a friendship level, so perhaps it's worth being appreciative that he offers you what he can.

[FMW]

I think I would probably feel really unsettled and uncertain about trusting my own instincts, and that's a big thing. Because of that I don't think I could keep him in my life in any capacity.

 

At the very least I would need to take a break to process it.

[Fair]

I think I would probably feel really unsettled and uncertain about trusting my own instincts, and that's a big thing. Because of that I don't think I could keep him in my life in any capacity.

 

At the very least I would need to take a break to process it.

 

What you said about how you would not be able to trust your instincts... yes. I know from dating him too that he was big on mind games.

 

I know I should use my emotions as a guide. I can't shake the heebie jeebies… maybe taking a break to process it is indeed the right thing to do.

[Fair]

The fact that someone is broken in a certain part of their life doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. He seems to care about you adequately on a friendship level, so perhaps it's worth being appreciative that he offers you what he can.

 

In other words this wouldn't faze you at all?

[basil67]

In other words this wouldn't faze you at all?

 

When you were together, I imagine he was going through the motions of a romantic relationship to try and trigger that part of himself back into action.

 

That said, I wouldn't be friends with an ex at all, so the whole concept of your friendship is something I would never have started in the first place.

[smackie9]

Someone that treats me like crap? I'm the kind of person that writes them off pronto and move on/ NC....what are you willing to do?

[olivetree]

Are you disturbed because you feel like he is a sociopath that used you and now you feel violated?

Maybe think of it like... he is so broken he has huge walls up and can't get attached.

Therefore, he has nothing to give.

He tried with you because he really liked you but he's still a mess.

Just learn from it - you'll be able to spot someone emotionally unavailable sooner next time.

[Fair]

Someone that treats me like crap? I'm the kind of person that writes them off pronto and move on/ NC....what are you willing to do?

 

The relationship is over. As a platonic friend, no... he doesn't treat me badly. At least he hasn't yet but whether he has an agenda by wanting to remain friends of not I don't know.

 

I just wanted some feedback on how people would feel about someone who admitted they can't bond, emotionally with anyone. I find his admission disturbing, and don't know if having him in my life at all is wise. Has anyone else ever met anyone who admitted this? Or do any of you have this same trouble with bonding yourselves?

 

I wonder what that means... is it like being next door to a psychopath or am I completely overdramatizing this?

 

Obviously, his past bad behaviour means he doesn't really deserve a place in my life, regardless, but I'm still struggling with anxiety and there's no one else right now I can count on for help should I need it and for that reason I'm reluctant to let him go completely. If I was well, there'd be no question. He'd be gone. As it is, I feel stuck.

[hippychick3]

I dated someone like this for a couple months. However, he treated me very well and was completely up front about his inability to fall in love. He was hoping it would be with me, but it turned out he can’t with anyone (it’s been 6 years and although he is with someone else now, he cares about her but is not in love). I never allowed myself to get too attached knowing this in advance. So, when I realized he wasn’t going to change, I had no problem breaking up with him. We remained friends because he was a good guy, and I was able to move on easily with no lingering feelings. We even happily shared dating stories after breaking up.

 

I’m sorry he didn’t tell you this ahead of time so you could have either opted out or guarded your heart like I did. But I wouldn’t think he didn’t care. He probably did. Some men are just broken inside, and it’s not a reflection on our worth or loveability.

[losangelena]

I’d be more disturbed honestly by the fact that you called him for help but then he turned the whole thing around to be about him. Arrogant, much? “Yes, I know ~you’re~ having a panic attack, but listen to my story!” By all means, bear the brunt of this man’s emotional labor. If I were you, I’d stay far away.

[elaine567]

"Dr. Martha Stout was on the clinical staff at Harvard Medical for 25 years :: from her book The Sociopath Next Door …

After listening for almost twenty-five years to the stories my patients tell me about sociopaths who have invaded and injured their lives, when I am asked, “How can I tell whom not to trust?” the answer I give usually surprises people. The natural expectation is that I will describe some sinister-sounding detail of behavior or snippet of body language or threatening use of language that is the subtle giveaway. Instead, I take people aback by assuring them that the tip-off is none of these things, for none of these things is reliably present. Rather, the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, or our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy …"

[Sunlight72]

I wonder what that means... is it like being next door to a psychopath or am I completely overdramatizing this?

I don't know your history with him, so I can only comment on what you've written in this thread. You are overdramatizing this. 60 years ago, from most accounts, the majority of men were like this, and probably many women too. They were not all psychopaths.

 

My grandparents (both sides) were a lot like this. The great aunts & uncles I observed were like this. Nobody was alarmed about it. They didn't express themselves like we now expect. Marriage and courting were not seen as such a friendly, warm and passionate experience as we now expect it to be. I'm not saying it was better then, I am saying that he is not a psychopath because he hasn't learned to be more warm and open.

 

As a friend, from what you've written in this thread, it sounds like he's fine. He probably will harbor a fondness for you in his own withdrawn way. If he's kind and respectful about it, and you don't feel either of you is leading the other one on (sounds like you've had a pretty clear conversation about it), then I don't see a 'reason' to prohibit him being neighborly and friendly or vice versa.

 

I guess I would suggest not to over think it - instead, be neighborly, and the next couple times you interact with him check in with yourself and see if it feels neighborly and fine, or creepy. Then make your decision to be friendly or cool with him based on that.

 

Don't think too much. Trust your gut. Nice neighbor dude? Or no.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Sunlight72

[gaius]

I highly doubt this guy has any real comprehension of what's going on with him and even on the minor chance he does, that he would give you an accurate breakdown of it. IE, listening to him talk about himself is like listening to a chimpanzee try to explain physics.

 

All you can really take from the the interaction is what his actions say That he doesn't want to be romantic with you but might be ok with seeing you occasionally on a friendship level.

[Sunlight72]

I’d be more disturbed honestly by the fact that you called him for help but then he turned the whole thing around to be about him. Arrogant, much? “Yes, I know ~you’re~ having a panic attack, but listen to my story!” By all means, bear the brunt of this man’s emotional labor. If I were you, I’d stay far away.

Um - Fair said he did come over, helped her calm down, then presumably when they were talking after she was feeling better he brought this up. I'm not sure how apologizing for having been a crappy boyfriend is him being arrogant.

 

I also don't see that he should have comforted her, then promptly upon seeing she was calming down beat a hasty retreat to leave her alone - seems like a decent thing to do to stay a little while and chat to help move her mind off the panic. I don't know their whole history, but isn't it possible he felt protective of her after seeing her shaken up, and felt called to be a little vulnerable and tell her he sees that he behaved poorly toward her?

 

Maybe I'm being too charitable, I don't know. That's kind of the read I took on it from Fair's original post here.

[Sunlight72]

I highly doubt this guy has any real comprehension of what's going on with him and even on the minor chance he does, that he would give you an accurate breakdown of it. IE, listening to him talk about himself is like listening to a chimpanzee try to explain physics.

 

All you can really take from the the interaction is what his actions say That he doesn't want to be romantic with you but might be ok with seeing you occasionally on a friendship level.

Haaa ha ha - great post. Well said

[Larry56]

A guy becoming cold/distant after tumultuous relationships is a pretty normal thing. Women assume he's a narcissist because they are incapable of putting themselves in a guys shoes. They are literally incapable of seeing life from the point of a man. Instant dismissal comes to mind of anything this guy does if it doesn't fit in her mind of acceptability. So they put on labels like narcissist/sociopath because it's easiar.

 

This guy was probably open and emotional back in his hayday but learnt women stepped on his heart over and over again because he probably wasn't showing enough strength to get through their constant **** tests. They want the guy who is strong, stoiac and emotionally balanced at the same time. Yet this type of personality rarely exists in most men in even sort of way. So then what happens is guys turn into players because it's easiar to lie to women then tell the truth.

 

To the OP. Doesn't actually sound like you tick enough boxes for this guy. But since you're pushing him to explain yourself...he ended up explaining himself and now you call him a predator?? You're the casting director in you're own life and you liked a guy who was good with his words and was jobless. That is not everyone else's problem. That's yours. You like the unavailability of this guy but you refuse to walk away. That's not his problem. It's yours.

[BaileyB]

I can’t help but feel that people are reading way too much into this whole situation.

 

Fair, it’s good that he came when you called him. That means he cares about you. I wouldn’t spend too much time analyzing his comments - you have both decided that a romantic relationship is not in the cards for you... if a friendship works for you both, great. But, you cause problems for yourself when you over analyze things - it is not going to be helpful for your anxiety.

[BaileyB]

I just wanted some feedback on how people would feel about someone who admitted they can't bond, emotionally with anyone.

 

I wonder what that means... is it like being next door to a psychopath or am I completely overdramatizing this?.

 

Yes, very much overdramatizing this. Kindly, you have a tendency to overdramatize many things...

 

Have you never met a man (sometimes woman), who is single and never married, lives alone, and has few relationships with others... it happens, frequently.

 

Perhaps he’s socially awkward and has difficulty forming relationships, perhaps he has anxiety or depression, perhaps he is on the autism spectrum, perhaps he has attachment issues from his childhood, perhaps he is very introverted, perhaps he has been hurt before and he has shut himself down from others... we don’t know, but there are so many reasons why he would feel like he has difficulty bonding with others - that does not mean he’s a sociopath.

Edited November 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[Chilli]

Yeah agree.

The theories and drama with terms like sociopath and narcs and cowards and commitment bla bla.

Didn't re read the first page again so might've missed the goods but can't see it in the last two.

And why would that stuff creep you out, sounds more like he tried to explain why he couldn't dive in and had been how he had admitting he had problems and wanted you to know he felt guilty not giving you more, almost a sort of apology.

 

And all the commitment coward stuff ,he just wasn't that interested after giving it a go that was pretty obvious.

Your a fool commuting or forcing it if you aren't feeling it regardless of his past.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Chilli

[BaileyB]

sounds more like he tried to explain why he couldn't dive in and had been how he had admitting he had problems and wanted you to know he felt guilty not giving you more, almost a sort of apology.

 

That’s exactly how I read it... an explanation of sorts, and an attempted apology.