Should I be listening to this? **Updated**

[Fair]

He was married 20 years ago for less than two years. He caught her in bed with another man and she left. Now... at 49 years old... he's afraid of commitment. He can't love me, he says. He's always been afraid of being burned again and has scars from that long dead relationship that just won't heal.

 

The only thing that makes this believable is the fact that he's been a perpetual bachelor all of his life. Never committing to anyone. But... is what he's telling me about the scars of that short, ill fated marriage entirely to be trusted? She's a long time remarried, and it was her new husband who raised their son, who is now 22 or 23 years old. The guy I'm talking about by contrast lives alone... he's always lived alone. His mother is the person he seems to live for, now... but as for a woman... he's just adamant he can't and probably never will commit.

 

 

If he can't commit there's no point fighting it, I know. It is what it is. But does this really happen? Can a one time hurt ruin someone's entire life like that? Or is this a story I should be suspicious about? Is it possible there's something else going on I don't know about?

 

I know if anything might have made it hard for him to get past the hurt is the fact they share a son and have had to keep in contact all their lives because of him. However... maybe they're in contact a little too much... it leaves me to wonder. All I know is when he says he's too scarred from being cheated by her to commit to any other woman ever... it's hard to believe. But what do you all think? Is it plausible?

[SunnyWeather]

He was married 20 years ago for less than two years. He caught her in bed with another man and she left. Now... at 49 years old... he's afraid of commitment. He can't love me, he says. He's always been afraid of being burned again and has scars from that long dead relationship that just won't heal.

 

<SNIP>

 

he sounds emotionally stunted. why would you want to be with someone who is so unavailable?

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Where I live, there used to be a local pub and this old guy used to walk to the pub once a week. he was very quiet. He had a few beers, become quite talkative and a few beers after that, he would go quiet again and take himself off home.

Long term bachelor, but the story is a bit sad. When young, he was engaged, but it all fell through, and he was so hurt by it, that he never had another gf...

[Gretchen12]

I've learned that people don't always know themselves very well especially when it comes to emotions. So, what they say about why they do things, isn't to be trusted, nor is it that important.

I doubt this guy is really single because he was hurt before. I think he is just a perpetual bachelor by nature. But these guys sometimes do get hitched when young because it was the thing to do at the time and, again, he didn't know himself well.

I knew one guy with a lot of problems, emotional disorder, addiction, mental illness, both his parents committed suicide when he was a teen, you get the picture. But somehow he was married briefly in his 20's and now has a son that graduated college (raised by ex). So I can't help wondering, this guy is emotionally so messed up, how did he ever manage to get married? He never again had another relationship lasting over a few months. And I really don't think it's because he's still hung up on the ex. I think he just tried marriage like trying a drug, then he moved on to other meds.

[Redhead14]

It is possible. It's kind of like PTSD in a way. He has become emotionally stunted, so to speak, because when some people are "traumatized", they often stay stuck, at least emotionally, at the point when the trauma occurred. He likely, however, had some kind of emotional trauma before all this, say in childhood, that the cheating just piled on to/compounded.

 

Is it possible there's something else going on I don't know about?

-- What difference does it make? He's telling you he won't commit. His reasons are his reasons. Why does it matter? Are you going to try to change your approach to try to manipulate him into something he clearly doesn't want by being in his head?

 

The only thing that makes this believable is the fact that he's been a perpetual bachelor all of his life. -- You can't know exactly what's in his head, but you have this very clear sign of what he wants for himself. And, let's just say, he does commit to you or someone else, is he going to have the relationship experience that is needed to sustain a quality relationship? Not likely. He will be very set in his ways for sure.

 

Get out of his head and into yours. YOU want more and he is not capable of or willing to commit to you. Move on graciously and with dignity by telling him that you are moving on because you want more than he is willing to give and wish him well.

[smackie9]

Yes this can happen. True story: My Great aunt couldn't make it to a dance with her BF/ fiance. She felt so bad to cancel, she recruited her bestie to take her place. Well, her friend and her BF hit it off so well, they ended up running away together. My Aunt was devastated....she never dated let alone get married. She lived til she was 96.

 

 

 

You are best to leave him be and move on. Whatever his deal is, he's not interested in commitment at all, so what's the point?

[Minneloa]

It doesn't really matter if it's plausible or not, unfortunately. When he says he can't love you, what other choice is there but to accept it and move on? Staying in this situation seems masochistic and futile at best. It's not like you can badger or counsel someone into someone being another person.

[preraph]

You know what? I've heard this excuse so many times on Loveshack that I'm about to call BS on it. It seems to be far more men than women who put out this excuse why they can't commit because they were so hurt long ago.

 

I think this has become the answer guys who don't want to commit and just want sex or casual relationship anyway give women because it's about the only one that won't blow up in their face. I think they're just guys who don't want any commitment. There's tons of those out there.

 

My logic is why are you dating at all if you're too traumatized to have a real relationship? And I can't help noticing that guys usually move on after a breakup pretty dang fast overall, faster than women.

 

Do us all a favor and just stay off the market! If you're dating, I think it's a fair expectation that you want a relationship unless you are clear that you only want sex.

 

And for those few who may actually not be able to get past something, obviously, go to a psychologist. You're not ready to date yet either. First you have to fix yourself.

[basil67]

Of course it can happen. Some people lack emotional resilience and don't recover from things the rest of us would move past. They can end up depressed and anxious and terrified to ever risk being hurt again.

[guest569]

It makes a lot of sense to me. Why can't you believe him? Why would he lie about it? What would that achieve? If he chooses to be a bachelor he doesn't need a reason or to justify it.

[BaileyB]

I think this is your sign that you should let got of any expectations or hopes of a relationship with this man (if you have any).

 

Not only is he telling you that he can’t commit to a relationship, but he is telling you that he is so scared from a previous experience that he can’t form another, healthy relationship... full stop. What he has said/done is not a sign of a healthy individual - it tells you something about his emotional and mental health, his coping skills, and his resiliency.

 

You should be thanking him for his honesty. A friend - possibly. A relationship partner - extremely unlikely.

Edited November 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[Fair]

You know what? I've heard this excuse so many times on Loveshack that I'm about to call BS on it. It seems to be far more men than women who put out this excuse why they can't commit because they were so hurt long ago.

 

I think this has become the answer guys who don't want to commit and just want sex or casual relationship anyway give women because it's about the only one that won't blow up in their face. I think they're just guys who don't want any commitment. There's tons of those out there.

 

My logic is why are you dating at all if you're too traumatized to have a real relationship? And I can't help noticing that guys usually move on after a breakup pretty dang fast overall, faster than women.

 

Do us all a favor and just stay off the market! If you're dating, I think it's a fair expectation that you want a relationship unless you are clear that you only want sex.

 

And for those few who may actually not be able to get past something, obviously, go to a psychologist. You're not ready to date yet either. First you have to fix yourself.

 

I tend to think men who have children with one woman tends to stay stuck on that woman if she's the one who leaves. Obviously, it's harder to cut ties with her due to the kids, but aside from that they seem to have a hold over the guy as if, to him, she's always going to be the most special woman who ever lived. Even if the marriage was short and she was a cheat as in this guy's case.

 

In fact, if he caught her in bed with another man I have to wonder if he considered the possibility the kid might not even be his.

 

But I digress... it seems to be about 50/50 to me, as to whether this particular excuse from some men holds any water. I just hate that I care one way or the other.

[preraph]

My observation has been that the man moves on right away, especially if he has kids, because 1) he wants sex and 2) he wants a babysitter, though neither of these things spells commitment.

[BaileyB]

My observation has been that the man moves on right away, especially if he has kids, because 1) he wants sex and 2) he wants a babysitter, though neither of these things spells commitment.

 

And I would think, for a man to make the decision to en a marriage and leave his children (at least, not have full-time custody), things have to be pretty bad in the marriage such that he is really done with his wife and ready to move on...

 

My own experience, the ex-wife caused so much damage - he is definitely not stuck on her, rather he was hesitant to trust another woman again...

[gaius]

People's needs generally shape their emotions, so if he's still so hurt over this then it's because being hurt over it is allowing him to live the existence he really wants to. Living for his mother and apparently not having much to do with a sexual relationship with women.

 

He probably wasn't that into having a wife in the first place, which might be why she ended up in bed with another guy. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[Chilli]

Some women do the same .

tbh , l can understand it and eh , maybe they're just smarter than the rest of us and think right , enough of that bs , no more.

 

But it explains other things you've talked about.

l think given the right person coming along and being patient, someone like that could love again but they'd need to be 300% sure of that person before they let any guard down, could take a few years.

[Fair]

People's needs generally shape their emotions, so if he's still so hurt over this then it's because being hurt over it is allowing him to live the existence he really wants to. Living for his mother and apparently not having much to do with a sexual relationship with women.

 

He probably wasn't that into having a wife in the first place, which might be why she ended up in bed with another guy. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

 

This sure makes sense to me. When you said people's needs tend to shape their emotions... brilliant.

 

I see a lack of commitment in all areas of this guy's life so this is the explanation that seems to fit best.

 

Also, As preraph pointed out, the 'I've been hurt in the past' excuse is used in over abundance to explain men's lack of commitment. It seems to be the one excuse the commitment phobe can best live with, allowing for the least amount of guilt or shame for being selfish and cowardly in love. Therefore maybe it's not always just an 'excuse'... maybe they're just committed to believing it because it's the acceptable answer. They can't commit because they've been damaged... now everyone can feel sorry for them and no one can blame them... either way it's a pile of manure.

 

I pointed out to him he's choosing to hang onto the past, and he's choosing to let one person ruin his whole life. It fell on deaf ears as you can imagine.

[ExpatInItaly]

I pointed out to him he's choosing to hang onto the past, and he's choosing to let one person ruin his whole life. It fell on deaf ears as you can imagine.

 

Yes, and it usually does when the other person just isn't interested in changing or making things work.

[Chilli]

True , and most likely the real problem.

[Highndry]

Let's face it, some women are just awful. Same goes for guys. And when people are hurt by these awful humans, it leaves lasting scars. After my last GF, I am much happier being single at this time. It's going to take some sort of special woman for me to consider a committed relationship again.

[Fair]

Let's face it, some women are just awful. Same goes for guys. And when people are hurt by these awful humans, it leaves lasting scars. After my last GF, I am much happier being single at this time. It's going to take some sort of special woman for me to consider a committed relationship again.

 

Honestly, though. Do you really believe that? My guess is the next woman you're even ATTRACTED to, is going to be some sort of special woman in your mind and you'll be dating again.

 

I tend to believe this guy I'm talking about is just selfish and not up to any type of commitment. He's even 'self employed' at the expense of his bills. They were threatening to cut off his power and with all this he still won't go out and find regular work. Can't commit to a job, either.

 

I also believe I'm not someone he was ever really interested in... but for him to ask me to believe he's been damaged over a short lived marriage that happened over two decades ago is too much. In fact, now I don't believe this happens at all. Eventually, everyone gets over a bad relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I also believe I'm not someone he was ever really interested in... but for him to ask me to believe he's been damaged over a short lived marriage that happened over two decades ago is too much. In fact, now I don't believe this happens at all. Eventually, everyone gets over a bad relationship.

 

But truth be told, he probably doesn't care that much if you believe him or not. His goal was to end the relationship, so whether you buy his reasons is beside the point for him.

[Highndry]

Honestly, though. Do you really believe that? My guess is the next woman you're even ATTRACTED to, is going to be some sort of special woman in your mind and you'll be dating again.

 

I tend to believe this guy I'm talking about is just selfish and not up to any type of commitment. He's even 'self employed' at the expense of his bills. They were threatening to cut off his power and with all this he still won't go out and find regular work. Can't commit to a job, either.

 

I also believe I'm not someone he was ever really interested in... but for him to ask me to believe he's been damaged over a short lived marriage that happened over two decades ago is too much. In fact, now I don't believe this happens at all. Eventually, everyone gets over a bad relationship.

 

 

Haha, I think you can do a little better than that. If a guy can't even keep the lights on, he is in no position to be dating.

[Mrs._December]

Honestly, though. Do you really believe that? My guess is the next woman you're even ATTRACTED to, is going to be some sort of special woman in your mind and you'll be dating again.

 

I tend to believe this guy I'm talking about is just selfish and not up to any type of commitment. He's even 'self employed' at the expense of his bills. They were threatening to cut off his power and with all this he still won't go out and find regular work. Can't commit to a job, either.

 

I also believe I'm not someone he was ever really interested in... but for him to ask me to believe he's been damaged over a short lived marriage that happened over two decades ago is too much. In fact, now I don't believe this happens at all. Eventually, everyone gets over a bad relationship.

Honestly? He did you a big, fat favor. He's emotionally stunted, refuses to work and actually be a productive member of society, and he lives by the seat of his pants because he'll soon be sitting in the dark in the very near future when they turn off his power for non-payment. I'll take a giant leap of faith here and say I'm willing to bet the farm that the ladies are NOT lining up outside his single-wide hoping to date him.

 

Why on earth would you even WANT this albatross around your neck? You're SO far above this man-child and all his baggage, and you CERTAINLY don't need to be financially supporting a supposed grown man whose capable of supporting himself but refuses to do so.

 

Lastly, what on EARTH would he and his ex-wife have to talk about so much regarding their grown son???? It's not like he's an 8 year old kid and they have to discuss his medical care or the custodial schedule for visitation or how to split the cost of braces, etc. etc. What could they possibly need to talk to each other about so regularly at THIS stage of their 23 year old son's life?

 

It sounds as though his ex-wife is still 'mommy' to this guy. She's STILL calling the shots and he's like a homeless puppy dog, so eager for a pat on the head from her.

 

Honestly, his lame reason for not wanting to commit to you is unimportant because it's a GIFT. You just don't realize what a gift it really IS. Yay you - you end up NOT having to financially carry this loafer through life while he continues pining away for his ex-wife who 'done him wrong' and dealing with all the other baggage that comes with an emotionally stunted supposed adult.

 

It's a win/win.

 

For YOU.

[Malin889]

I can understand him being hurt, but I can’t understand him not getting a job. Just no. Grow up dude.