yololin Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I started a dating relationship with a girl and we hit it off very strong. It's been going well for the last 3 months. We used to talk all the time, day and night. A strong honey moon period. Last week we even went on holiday together abroad for a week. It was a big step for us. One evening last week abroad, we were planking and I had her phone to record our times. A notification came through. A guy was inviting her out on a date and was trying to sort out the specifics. She didn't know that I saw it as her back was turned. Later that week I skimmed through her messages with that guy, and I found out that they had been talking every day, extensively for months, giving the guy all her attention, but making up a few excuses to skip his invitations out. I'm pretty sure that they met online through a dating app. The thing that really bugs me is that she takes a lot of time to share her world with him, repeating stories that she told me briefly. Things that I've shared with her or information, games, apps, music, conversations of interest - I've seen her discuss with him as if it were her own. I've looked through his Instagram and I'm not threatened by his persistence. I am threatened by her insistence to keep him so close. Lately I feel more paranoid, I am seeing patterns. And I know that when I'm not with her, shes always talking to him, sending him photos that she's just sent me. It certainly makes me feel less special. It makes me feel like she's looking elsewhere while she's with me. I feel like I've lost a little respect for her and my interest has also waned. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I kind of want to disappear from her life and let her do what she wants without me in it. Though, it seems somewhat irrational. She hasn't actually cheated by having anything sexual with him, yet I feel like I'm being played. This is how I feel often in relationships that I feel committed in. Trust issues always pop up, and I feel foolish to talk about them. Instead,I just dissapear from the relationship, either mentally or physically. What do people do in these situations? I feel like I'm a fool.
Mardelis Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 Unfortunately you really have no say about who she talks to until you're in an exclusive relationship, at which time such behavior would be deceptive, and a dealbreaker for most people. You've been dating for months, perhaps now is a good time to discuss exclusivity. If she won't go there then you need to rethink whether there's a future with her. Unless you're ok with sharing. I know I wouldn't be but others are ok with keeping it casual and dating around. 1
Marc878 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 You are just dating. Obviously she's not that interested in an exclusive relationship with you. If you were exclusive this would be a problem if you're not it is your call on whether you stay in this or not. It's up to you and what you want. Why not do the same. I can guarantee you she is not "the only one" out there for you.
Gretchen12 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I think the problem here is that you found out she is not as she appears. This person appears to be in a honeymoon phase with you, as if her heart is in it. But at the same time she has a different face, different life with another guy that you didn't know about. While she may be "allowed" to multidate in the beginning of a relationship, what's disturbing is that she can lead a double life so easily. I don't think this is your trust issue. People, and animals, can only trust others that are reasonably predictable. Predictability is not there when the person is good at hiding things or is very volatile. It's hard to continue when you don't know who you're dealing with.
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 You need to talk to her. If you want an exclusive relationship, you must discuss this with her. If she doesn't want that you have to decide if you want to stick around knowing she is interacting with other men.
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 She is cheating, she's having an emotional affair...she may think she isn't crossing any boundaries because she hasn't physically met him, but I'm sure it's intense between them. Grow a back bone and tell her what you know, how you feel, then breakup with her. If you want to get anywhere in life and stop having people wipe their feet on you, stand up for yourself to earn some respect.
Mardelis Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 She is cheating then breakup with her. How can someone be cheating, and how can someone breakup from a person they're not actually in a relationship with?
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 How can someone be cheating, and how can someone breakup from a person they're not actually in a relationship with? OK how about this....OP she's not that into you because she's keeping her options open..and or maybe she's thinking she can have her cake and eat it too. So technically you two are not official, she can do whatever she wants, but is that what you want? no, so ditch her, and find someone who is actually interested in something more than just hanging out for two bloody months. I doubt very highly she's just gonna change her tune if you ask her to be official.
preraph Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I guess I'm a weirdo, but the thing that sent up a red flag to me is that she repeats your stories as if they're your own. That's not the mark of a very original person. It's a person trying to present themselves as something more than they are. I have an old friend who did that to me. I told her this story about a music artist that happened to me in another town, and a few months later, she repeated it to me as if it were HER story. That really bothered me and also made me afraid she was getting Alzheimer's or something. I told her about it. Then the exact same thing happened again. She can't even remember where she heard the story she's stolen and is telling people about. I had a serious talk with her about it. i mean, what else could I do? I was wanting to talk to her sister, but didn't know how to find her to see if she had been having memory problems. But now it's about 10 years later and she did stop doing it to me after the last time I confronted her about it, and her memory hasn't degenerated, though there are times she seems to think things were further back then they were, so I think she was just a copycat and I don't like that but not going to dump her for it. The main thing it did was make me realize she's not who I thought she was and I lost a lot of respect for her. I had met her in the old days when we worked in music stores together and always just assumed she was a true music aficionado, and now that I've caught her at it, I realize she sort of fakes that by repeating stories she's heard or read. Like she likes the stories more than the music. She read a book about the Stranglers and didn't shut up about it for a year, telling it to me over and over (I'm not into the Stranglers), and I don't thinks she owns any Stranglers music. She has a very small collection and it's mostly the old albums. She never moved on to newer formats even. It just made me sad. She's an imposter. So that's what I see as a problem and why I don't think you should ask her for exclusivity but just move on. To me, she's lying to that guy, being a poser. I mean, why doesn't she just say "I'm seeing someone right now" instead of saying no to dates and stringing him along otherwise? It just doesn't sound good. i think you should confront her about everything, including how she is telling your own stories as if they're her own. She's going to be mad you looked, of course.
Logo Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 OK how about this....OP she's not that into you because she's keeping her options open..and or maybe she's thinking she can have her cake and eat it too. So technically you two are not official, she can do whatever she wants, but is that what you want? no, so ditch her, and find someone who is actually interested in something more than just hanging out for two bloody months. I doubt very highly she's just gonna change her tune if you ask her to be official. Three months, and they've just been on a week-long vacation together abroad. I would break up with her. She doesn't sound serious about the relationship. How can someone be cheating, and how can someone breakup from a person they're not actually in a relationship with? In general? Okay. I understand. You've mentioned in the other thread that it's poor communication. But looking at the specifics, by now, it should be common sense to her that she's in a relationship. I realize common sense isn't so common and that's why clear communication is needed. But, still. Why does she think he's spending time with her for 3 months and going abroad with her? Because he's lonely? He's keeping it casual? It may not be considered "cheating", but she's not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.
Logo Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 To me, she's lying to that guy, being a poser. I mean, why doesn't she just say "I'm seeing someone right now" instead of saying no to dates and stringing him along otherwise? It just doesn't sound good. i think you should confront her about everything, including how she is telling your own stories as if they're her own. She's going to be mad you looked, of course. Yes. She's lying to both men and stringing both men along. She's also truth challenged. Someone who lies so effortlessly and lacks integrity isn't relationship material.
guest569 Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 "technically they're just dating and not exclusive so that's absolutely fine" Gimme a break. 3 months together and an overseas holiday. Now she's planning a date with another man. She is a cheater. Ouch! 1
kendahke Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 Well, she got a free trip out of the situation. Just leave her alone. Chicks that thin on the ground where you live that you'd continue with her?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 I'd take a hard pass on this, OP. You are more into her than she is into you. Even though you are not exclusive, her behaviour isn't exactly demonstrative of someone that considers you a special catch and is working towards the same relationship goals that you are.
Noproblem Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 Why can't she talk to another guy? She is not your slave, she can talk to any person she likes to talk to. She enjoys talking with that person, does not mean she loves him or anything. Anyway, what bothers me though is that she steals your stories and pretends as if they are her stories. Seems like a liar. I would avoid her, plus she is not being honest, she doesn't say she is chatting with someone else, if she was honest, then there is nothing to worry about, but she is hiding it, that means something is wrong.
Highndry Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 She's cultivating another relationship while she's already in one with you. This is not a person who is relationship material, this is a major flake, cheater and liar. Dump her and find somebody worthy. 1
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