Is this abuse?

[Dreamer1010]

Hi everyone

 

I've been reading this forum for a while. And now I have problems with my boyfriend like this. I hope you guys can help me out. I really need it. And I'm sorry for my bad English and long story.

 

Before I met him, I lost my track and I had kinda a lot of one night stand almost 1 year. And stopped before I met him around 1 month and intended to not doing that again. Actually, I was about to leave the city and moved to another place. However, I met him just in coincidentally. We met at a convenient store after he had his rave and I had my drunk night. But at that time, we were both sober. He asked me for my FB and we started to talk for a while. He initial asked my phone number after that. We don't use dating apps.

 

We met at the end of July, had a few dates but no sex at all, just hugs, kisses. We're really into each other. I've never felt this feelings before even with my exes. So I decided to tell him about my past because I wanted to be honest to him. Everything was kinda okay. He didn't say or ask much about that. Till early Sep that we had sex for the first time and became exclusive. Things started from here.

Plus: I had some fb of the people I had ons but after that, we saw each other as a normal friends that could drink beers together. But I blocked all of them after I know they spreading rumors about me and tried to interfere my relationship.

 

Anyway, things started from here. We got the first fight via text when I was in my hometown and he was at his country. He suddenly became very jealous and control. He asked me all about my past. I told him things and answered his questions; but you know, it took a lot of courage for me to reveal that past to him. I love him and I wanted to be honest. That past life of me wasn't anything I could be proud of. Then we were okay after.

 

But then, it's getting worse. He brought it up every time he's back to his country. Not like normal questions but it was very pressure and kinda insulted. More than an investigation. He asked every single details. I answered all of his questions in a clearest way. English is not my mother language so I didn't get the right meanings of the words I said. But I tried to explain as best as I can and showed myself to him that I'm loyal to him.

 

He used some words like Slut, Whore, Dirty bitch,.. to call me when we're arguing. He even said that I could be a bar staff if we didn't met. I know I had a wrong past but I'm making it right, and I build my life around him. I was hurt and really upset that I hurt myself badly. He questioned me for every single details. And after every argument, he said he would not bring this up again, he said we moving on. But then, it kept repeating. I had to repeat myself, my feelings and affection towards him over and over again.

 

He asked - I answered --> He mocked me, insulted me and been sarcastic to me. Even curse me

He asked - I chose not to answer --> He accused me that I'm having affair and I lied and cheating... Even said that I was pretending and trying to be victim. But if I'm doing this, I would not tell him a thing...

I didn't know what to do. I was really exhausted. I hurt, upset and cried. He said my feelings was unjustified and unreasonable. He asked me why I'm upset and crying...

 

Therefore, I chose to leave to set him free. Then he hurt himself and messed up his work. My phone rang like every minutes. So I stayed and tried to do the right thing for the relationship. Then he asked for more, he wanted me to do this, to do that...

He said he loves me more than any exes of him. He said I'm really important to him that drives him crazy like this. He said if I left, he has nothing left..

 

In fact, when we're together, he's so so sweet and caring. He doesn't let me doing anything and randomly buys me gifts or even cooks for me. He even goes to the supermarket and spends a whole day to prepare my favorite meal...

 

I just don't understand this. :( Is this abused or something?

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Andy_K]

He's into you but at the same time, he can't let go of your past. He has inside his head an idea of how a girl should behave, and that's incompatible with the person you were.

 

So he's angry. Angry at himself for feeling this way, and angry at you for ruining his ideal relationship with your past. He's constantly in conflict and he can't resolve it. It's affecting his mental stability.

 

You're going to have to stand up for yourself here and insist that he stop judging you. The good acts he does don't cancel out the bad ones, especially if they stem from a place of guilt. It's never okay for someone to be verbally abusive to you the way he has done.

 

Either he stops, or you leave.

[Dreamer1010]

I understand.

 

He asked me to give him time. I also gave him time so I didn't text him. And he said I was ignoring him.

I asked him questions how he feels but he usually turned it back on me. He asked me to share my stories of my life, both good and bad. I shared with him and he turned it into another stories as he wanted to believe; and blaming victim. So I told him I wouldn't share anything anymore because I was so hurt and broken. Then he said I did not open to him...

He asked me about my feelings for him and when I told him, he ignored it or turned it into something else again.

I have to repeat myself like a million times. Over and over again.

He kinda controls me too. He does things in his way. Sometimes I feel like if something's bad or not good happens, it's always be my fault. Or my feelings is disrespect... I'm hurt too!

I dont know what to do...

[BaileyB]

Yes, his behavior is very abuive.

 

There is absolutely no way that I would date a man who treated me this badly.

 

Relationships should bring something good to your life, and your partner should make you feel good about yourself. This isn't love. Gifts and meals don't make up for calling you names and making you feel badly about yourself.

[smackie9]

Ok you got me at when he was calling you those disgusting names.....He is rude, insecure, and disrespectful of you. All he is doing is punishing you for something you did before you even met and that should tell you what kind of person her is......end this relationship. He's the horrible person, not you.

[Dreamer1010]

There's one time we traveled together. We drank till morning and there were couples girls talking to me. After there's another girl (called A) came and he started to talk to her non-stop. I sat there quietly, sometimes I just talked some simple sentences. Then the whole group left to another place.

There were 4 left at that time: 3 girls including me and him. You guys know what. He walked with A talking non-stop again. I walked behind with the other girl who is completely a stranger.

I was upset after that. I told him about that and he said I was being nonsense and he couldn't understand why I was being like that.

There's another time on that trip too. I know his good friend had a serious accident so he was worried. But a few days ago this, he kept using the phone like everywhere, every time. Even he's online, he couldn't message me. I didn't say anything though. Until that morning we had breakfast together, he talked to me a bit then completely stuck with his phone. He didn't say anything to me until we left.

I felt upset. So I decided to tell to him about that. He got pissed and said I'm being selfish.

Sometimes I wonder he says he loves me unconditionally. But is that true? He doesn't even listen or understand me and my feelings...

[Rocker71]

Yes, his behavior is very abuive.

 

There is absolutely no way that I would date a man who treated me this badly.

 

Relationships should bring something good to your life, and your partner should make you feel good about yourself. This isn't love. Gifts and meals don't make up for calling you names and making you feel badly about yourself.

 

You need to dump this guy. If you let him get away with calling you names he will never stop. It will only get worse.

Maybe he's a little jealous about all the action you got that maybe he didn't.

Nevertheless, he is abusive because he has glaring insecurity. This guy has no other women in his life and realizes he has trouble getting women.

 

I personally could never justify being friends with this type of guy, much less even be seen having a beer with him.

[Saracena]

Yes. Absolutely. It is abuse.

[Downtown]

Dreamer, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

He used some words like Slut, Whore, Dirty bitch,.. to call me when we're arguing.

You are mature enough to be in touch with strong conflicting feelings -- love and hate -- at the same time. You thus can see your BF as being an essentially good person who occasionally exhibits very bad behavior.

 

Your BF is unable to do that, however, if he is a BPDer. His rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking."

 

If he is an untreated BPDer, his emotional development likely is stuck at the level of a four year old. He thus is too immature to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Hence, like a young child, he will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). It is while he is splitting you black that he perceives of you as a "slut" and "whore."

 

Yet, because he is unstable, he can recategorize you from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. You will see this same all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away.

 

We got the first fight via text when I was in my hometown and he was at his country.

If he is a BPDer, he is too immature and unstable to have a strong perception of "object constancy" -- i.e., to be able to see loved ones as being essentially the same from day to day. This is why is is capable of perceiving you to be an angel one day and a devil the next. And this is why, when you are out of sight -- or out of town -- his perception of you can quickly become very distorted.

 

He suddenly became very jealous and control.

A hallmark of BPDers is their great fear of abandonment -- which manifests itself as strong jealousy. It also will appear in very controlling actions that are intended to isolate you away from close friends and family. That fear is so strong that a BPDer often will see abandonment threats where they don't exist -- e.g., in your being out of sight, out of town, or in the presence of other young men.

 

When we're together, he's so so sweet and caring.

BPDers typically exhibit the exuberance, vulnerability, warmth, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children. They therefore generally are good people who are very easy to fall in love with.

 

Their problem is not being bad but, rather, being emotionally unstable (due to their emotional immaturity). Like young children, BPDers tend to be very VERY good while they are splitting you white and very VERY bad while splitting you black.

 

He said he would not bring this up again, he said we moving on. But then, it kept repeating.

If he is a BPDer, he keeps a mental list of every mistake (imagined or real) you ever did. And he won't hesitate to pull out the ENTIRE list during nearly every argument, no matter how small the issue.

 

This is done because a BPDer has a great need to "validate" his false self image of being "The Victim." Always "The Victim." Due to his immaturity, he has such a weak unstable self image that he will cling to that false self image and frequently look for evidence that it is true.

 

I just don't understand this.

Given your ambivalence about staying with him, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest you learn how to protect yourself by being able to spot the red flags for BPD behavior.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for a year -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Dreamer.

[MidwestUSA]

"Then he hurt himself and messed up his work."

 

 

 

OP, did he hurt himself intentionally, or in a fit of rage? Notice that now he has more time to contact you and try to elicit sympathy from you.

 

If his injury occurred in this manner, I'm sure you'll see it on Downtown's list. Please have a look at it.

[Dreamer1010]

Thank you Downtown

Seems like your 18 signs he has most of it.

 

It only happens when he's back in his country. But when we're together, things like that never happens.

The clearest thing is as you said Jekyll and Hyde. The newest time is two days ago. We were talking normally, he couraged me to be proud of myself or sort things like that. Then he mentioned something in my past again and we started to argue. And he immediately told me that I should feel disappointed about myself.

Actually, after reading your messages, I remember it happens a lots. He told me how precious I am to him this day, then the next day it's gonna be how cheap and liar I am.

 

Is there anything I can fix this?

[BaileyB]

Is there anything I can fix this?

 

No, because you are not the one demonstrating the poor behavior.

 

If you give him a consequence and end the relationship, he may decide to change his behavior - if he decides he wants to fight for you/the relationship.

 

Otherwise, you have no control over his behavior which means, there is nothing you can do to fix this.

[Downtown]

Is there anything I can fix this?

Sadly, no. If your BF is a BPDer, he has a stunted emotional development because something occurring before age five caused his emotional development to freeze at the level of a young child -- at about 4 years of age. This means that, unless he chooses to undergo years of intensive therapy, he will never acquire the important emotional skills that the rest of us learned in childhood.

 

A BPDer needs to learn, for example, how to do self soothing, how to regulate all of his emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong mixed feelings, and how to trust. He also needs to learn other important coping skills: how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts" and how to stay aware of the present instead of escaping through daydreams into the past and future.

 

Absent those skills, he must continue to rely on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: projection, denial, temper tantrums, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.

 

Hence, asking whether you can fix it is the equivalent of asking whether you can give him the ability to play a grand piano. Acquiring such skills takes years of hard practice. Although most major cities offer excellent treatment programs that teach those coping skills, it is rare for a BPDer to seek such a program and remain in it long enough to make a real difference.

[Dreamer1010]

Thank you BaileyB.

We talked two days ago about everything that happened one last time. And I gave him the last chance for our relationship. I stood up for myself and marked my words to him. And he decided to fight for me and our relationship.

Things till now are going fine.

I hope we can work things out through time.

[Dreamer1010]

Thank you again Downtown. I'm thankful for the information you gave me.

 

We're working this out one last time to find the solution to fix this before throwing things away, when he gets back from his country.

I do love him and value this relationship but if he still has no empathize as well as understanding with this behaviors, I will end this.

[Downtown]

Dreamer, I wish you both the very best. I will mention 3 important things to keep in mind if you decide to stay with him.

 

First, I suggest you NOT rely on his psychologist to speak candidly with you if your BF is diagnosed as having full-blown BPD. Therapists generally are loath to tell a high-functioning BPDer (or his partner) the name of the disorder. Doing so means that he almost certainly will quit therapy and the insurance company likely will refuse coverage. Instead, the therapists likely will tell a HF BPDer only the names of co-occurring disorders (e.g., depression, bipolar, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and PTSD). Most BPDers have at least 2 co-occurring disorders.

 

Hence, your best chance of getting a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with -- if BPD really is involved -- is to see your own psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen him. In that way, you are ensured that the therapist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not his.

 

Second, the vast majority of full-blown BPDers are "high functioning." This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

Third, in the unlikely event that a BPDer agrees to attend therapy, it will be very difficult for you to determine whether he is making any real, lasting progress. With an unstable person, you typically will see him making dramatic improvements every couple of months, if not more frequently. So please keep in mind that even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.

Edited November 5, 2018 by Downtown

[Dreamer1010]

Thank you very much for your help and information Downtown. I really appreciate that.

 

Now my mind is clear than ever. I will try my best this one last time.

Besides, I just remember that he's using the anti depression pills that means he has doctor in his country. And he told me that he's about to reduce it because the pills affects him a lots.

Therefore, I will observe him more to see if there's anything change better or remain the same.

 

Anyway, thank you for your support ^^

[Downtown]

Dreamer, medication will not make a dent in BPD because it is a thought disorder arising from a lack of emotional skills and from oversensitivity. Nearly all BPDers will be prescribed medication, however.

 

The reason is that the medication is targeted to the co-occurring disorders that nearly all BPDers have. About 75% of them have a co-occurring mood disorder such as depression or bipolar. And 74% also have an anxiety disorder. The result is that most BPDers have at least one other PD and 2 or 3 clinical disorders (e.g., depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, or bipolar).