Had a coffee with the ex today. Whats up with this?

[beowulf44]

Ok, so it was my birthday last week. My ex of 5 years on-and-off (not my recent ex that I've been posting about recently, for those who followed my other thread) texted me happy bday. In the past, we had run a business together, and she asked if I wanted to "get together to discuss why the business didn't work out". I said sure, and we had coffee earlier today.

 

Some context: our relationship ended amicably, and we've been in no contact for almost a year. She was a good person, and it was just wrong time, wrong place. And a couple of commitment/communication issues, as well. I've accepted that its just one of those "it just wouldn't work out" scenarios.

 

Anyway, we met today, and while I don't have the same spark towards her that I used to, it was pretty fun. We talked about what we've been up to in the past year, our goals, basically catch up and stuff like that. Some sexual puns (our usual sense of humor, e.g. "thats what she said"), but no physical contact. She seemed interested in my dating life since her. I didn't ask about hers, and she seemed to be making an effort to not talk about it (side note: I know she's in a 1 year relationship with someone due to some IG snooping, but I didn't ask about it. I know she's happy with him and I do wish them all the best).

 

We talked for about 2 hours and really didn't even talk about our old business. I get the sense that she really just wanted to see me and catch up a bit, as we used to be very close.

 

She said she noticed some changes in me that were for the better, and also touched upon some of the issues that led to us breaking up in the past. But that was only a tiny part of the convo.

 

Since my ex and I broke up, I've really gotten into motorcycles, and I asked her if she would want to take a ride with me sometime. She said "maybe. We'll see" - definitely far from a "yes", but also not a "sorry, I have a boyfriend". Honestly, I just think it would be fun for her to experience this, and I truly don't know if I would have any intentions. I kind of just want to share the joy with her, but maybe I'm just deluding myself.

 

We finished our coffee together, and she insisted on paying for the both of us. We hugged and parted ways, and I told her that I'm glad to see thats she's happy nowadays. And that she deserves it.

 

On her way home, she sent me a picture of a song that had just come on the radio (which used to be "our song" in our old relationship), and said it reminded her of college and working out together with me at the gym. She said it in a platonic way, but I found it interesting that she would send a message about a non-platonic song that had deep meaning for us.

 

My point for this post is basically to ask for feedback on this little event we had. I really do wish her happiness, and don't even think we would work out if she was single. She is one of those people who likes to keep in contact with people, but I nonetheless found the interaction curious. I also don't want to interfere in her relationship and potential happiness there.

 

I don't really plan on putting too much into this event, but I was thinking of shooting her a text to invite her on a motorcycle ride in a week or 2. And ending the text with a "if you do, it'll be fun. if you dont want to, I'm fine either way".

 

Some feedback would be appreciated. Any thoughts on what to make of our little get-together?

Edited November 2, 2018 by beowulf44

[Million.to.1]

Hi Beowulf

 

I wouldn't read to much into her sending you the song.. it was likely coincidence and made her reminisce about your past connection after seeing you.

 

You invited her on a moto ride, but as her reaction was non- committal, and the fact that she is in a relationship now, I would not recommend following up on a further invitation at this stage.

I think it's inappropriate to be the one to initiate contact with her as she is in a relationship and you are her most recent ex. You say you wish her well so best keep your distance out of respect to her new man.

 

 

You said the 5 year relationship was off and on. you also said it was wrong timing and it was amicable.

but who ended the relationship? why was it on and off?

[beowulf44]

Hi Beowulf

 

I wouldn't read to much into her sending you the song.. it was likely coincidence and made her reminisce about your past connection after seeing you.

 

You invited her on a moto ride, but as her reaction was non- committal, and the fact that she is in a relationship now, I would not recommend following up on a further invitation at this stage.

I think it's inappropriate to be the one to initiate contact with her as she is in a relationship and you are her most recent ex. You say you wish her well so best keep your distance out of respect to her new man.

 

 

You said the 5 year relationship was off and on. you also said it was wrong timing and it was amicable.

but who ended the relationship? why was it on and off?

It was always on and off on her terms (she would end it). She always told me that, while we were very compatible, that our emotional connection was not what it should've been, and she hated how she kept falling into and out of love with me.

 

There were a few reasons for this. 1) poor communication, especially on my part. She found that I was very closed off and not willing to open up. 2) I was very much focused on work and struggling to get my businesses off the ground, which of course hurt the relationship. 3) lack of "courting" - we just simply did not share the type of experiences that most couples do. Probably due to a combination of my work, and also just the fact that I'm more of a 'stay at home' guy than her.

 

Thats what I mean by wrong time, wrong place. We were both good people, but I was not investing what was necessary into the relationship (it doesn't help that I'm also somewhat of a commitment phone). I've definitely become better with work/life balance and communication since then... but I admit I'm far from perfect.

 

It was amicable in that neither of us "f-ed" the other person over (cheating), and there was no blowout at the end. Obviously there was tension after the breakup, as we both begrudge what we/the other person shoulda/woulda/coulda done, but outside of that, I think we both consider each other special people, and there is no bad blood between us.

 

EDIT: just to reiterate, she never did tell me she had a bf currently. Not that I don't know it, of course, and not that I do want to interfere in their relationship... just mentioning the fact. I never asked, and she never volunteered.

Edited November 2, 2018 by beowulf44

[snowboy91]

All up I think your coffee catch-up with your ex was a positive thing. It sounds like there is no attraction left on either side - but nonetheless you shared 5 years of your life together, and that has to count for something. If your relationship lasted that long, there clearly must have been some things that were right about it - some elements of companionship and shared interests aren't going to change.

 

Keeping in touch with exes is normally a very messy business with emotional pain, one wanting the other back, blame games etc. If there is no mess, it is possible to remain friends with an ex, but the majority of time there is a mess.

 

My experience with my ex closely resembles yours Beowulf. In the time it took me to get the last few possessions from her (was "our") place, things got a lot less awkward very quickly and we ended up staying in fairly close contact for a while, I even helped her move house and we went into detail about our dating lives since. It was quite entertaining turning the awkwardness into really good banter! I haven't spoken to her in a while, but that's due to us both being very busy finishing with uni. If she wanted to meet up I wouldn't hesitate to do so.

[sunsout2018]

{snip}

 

I don't really plan on putting too much into this event, but I was thinking of shooting her a text to invite her on a motorcycle ride in a week or 2. And ending the text with a "if you do, it'll be fun. if you dont want to, I'm fine either way".

 

Some feedback would be appreciated. Any thoughts on what to make of our little get-together?

 

It sounds like you guys had a really strong connection and now the dust has settled she wanted to kind of reconnect in a platonic way and acknowledge that bond. When you are that close it’s tough to just walk away and have no contact. By the meeting and then sending you the song it’s like a nod to old times but I’d take it as like an acknowledgement on the strength of your bond on the platonic side.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs._December]

I'm almost getting the impression that this visit was closure for her. I say this because she didn't try to make future plans with you, she didn't try to be flirty with you, and she didn't try to touch you or get physical with you in any way.

 

I think maybe she needed to make sure that there's nothing there for her anymore so she could move forward without any doubts.

[SevenCity]

I'm almost getting the impression that this visit was closure for her. I say this because she didn't try to make future plans with you, she didn't try to be flirty with you, and she didn't try to touch you or get physical with you in any way.

 

I think maybe she needed to make sure that there's nothing there for her anymore so she could move forward without any doubts.

 

I agree with this.

 

Wolf - just sit back and let her initiate if she chooses to do so. She reached out once, she will do it again if she wants.

[Redhead14]

Be honest with yourself -- what do you hope/want to happen with the motorcycle ride? Are you hoping to re-kindle? (Nevermind what you're thinking she's thinking.) If you're not, I'd just let it go. I also don't want to interfere in her relationship and potential happiness there. . . . She is one of those people who likes to keep in contact with people (if that statement is true, I'd say not hearing from her for over a year is a sign that she's not that much about keeping in contact with people or, maybe just you).

 

I think this situation is a big reason for maintaining no contact forever after a break up -- breaking no contact creates wonder and doubt and triggers feelings and "ideas" . . .

Edited November 2, 2018 by Redhead14

[Lotsgoingon]

Be honest with yourself -- what do you hope/want to happen with the motorcycle ride? Are you hoping to re-kindle? (Nevermind what you're thinking she's thinking.) If you're not, I'd just let it go. I also don't want to interfere in her relationship and potential happiness there. . . . She is one of those people who likes to keep in contact with people (if that statement is true, I'd say not hearing from her for over a year is a sign that she's not that much about keeping in contact with people or, maybe just you).

 

^^^^^^^^^^

Totally on the money. Confession: I used to do stuff like this ... invite some woman to an activity ... saying "we're only friends" and then get confused or confused the other person ...

 

I'm sorry dude ... motorcycle riding--as in her holding onto you, hands around your waist ... sitting tight behind you ... dude, No! You want no activity with that kind of physical contact if you want to keep things clear and clean.

 

If you don't want a relationship, go for coffee again or a walk.

 

Now, you want to explore romance again ... and you check to see if she's not dating ... sure ... But a motorcycle ride to me ... is a date. The touching makes it a date ... unless you're talking about a long-time platonic friend and even then ...

[smackie9]

She's lonely, she's bored, who knows what's up. I wouldn't invest any time in her, or plan anything....it's time you both just move on. Whatever her reason, let this be the closure you both needed.

[elaine567]

I'm almost getting the impression that this visit was closure for her. I say this because she didn't try to make future plans with you, she didn't try to be flirty with you, and she didn't try to touch you or get physical with you in any way.

 

I think maybe she needed to make sure that there's nothing there for her anymore so she could move forward without any doubts.

 

That is the feeling I got too.

Closure.

She sent you the old song pic, and filed you and it away in the "past" box...

 

I would forget the motorcycle "date", unless she specifically gets back in touch to arrange it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Be careful that you don't wind up acting as her side-source of affection or attention when there's trouble in paradise with her boyfriend.

 

My strong suspicion would be that this is the real reason she contacted you. There might be trouble in her current relationship and you're a familiar face who always liked her. I would not advise trying to see her again unless and until she is single - and even then, it is probably not worth trying again if you two were never a very solid item.

[beowulf44]

Be careful that you don't wind up acting as her side-source of affection or attention when there's trouble in paradise with her boyfriend.

 

My strong suspicion would be that this is the real reason she contacted you. There might be trouble in her current relationship and you're a familiar face who always liked her. I would not advise trying to see her again unless and until she is single - and even then, it is probably not worth trying again if you two were never a very solid item.

 

This is what my brain tells me - that I’m being checked up on as a backup. It's strange, because on IG she seems quite happy with her dude. But I did pick up on subtleties during the convo of some existing frustrations in her life which I could tell are at least in some part attributed to him (plus, I always found it curious that this dude doesn't seem to share the "work" goals that she does... not judging, just stating my viewpoint). Far from concrete, though.

 

To clarify, perhaps I exaggerated the platonic element. We still get along really well and I could tell I was still able to push her buttons... its just that neither of us took the initiative to make it non-platonic. On her behalf, I noticed that she was very much enjoying the interaction, but there was also a reluctance to overstepping her boundaries.

 

I do agree that the smart thing is probably to "not try again".

[beowulf44]

Be honest with yourself -- what do you hope/want to happen with the motorcycle ride? Are you hoping to re-kindle? (Nevermind what you're thinking she's thinking.) If you're not, I'd just let it go. I also don't want to interfere in her relationship and potential happiness there. . . . She is one of those people who likes to keep in contact with people (if that statement is true, I'd say not hearing from her for over a year is a sign that she's not that much about keeping in contact with people or, maybe just you).

 

I think this situation is a big reason for maintaining no contact forever after a break up -- breaking no contact creates wonder and doubt and triggers feelings and "ideas" . . .

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^

Totally on the money. Confession: I used to do stuff like this ... invite some woman to an activity ... saying "we're only friends" and then get confused or confused the other person ...

 

I'm sorry dude ... motorcycle riding--as in her holding onto you, hands around your waist ... sitting tight behind you ... dude, No! You want no activity with that kind of physical contact if you want to keep things clear and clean.

 

If you don't want a relationship, go for coffee again or a walk.

 

Now, you want to explore romance again ... and you check to see if she's not dating ... sure ... But a motorcycle ride to me ... is a date. The touching makes it a date ... unless you're talking about a long-time platonic friend and even then ...

Yeah, for sure. It’s kind of like a “not knowing what you want” scenario. Like it would be so cool to share that experience with her, but I’m sure theres a side of me thats not being honest with myself with my intentions.

 

The real irony is that I have a gut feeling that it would still never work out with her, even if the opportunity presented itself.

 

I just got out of another relationship recently so part of me thinks that the nice feelings I got from yesterdays meet up with her is also a reaction to fill the void that was just opened, so to speak

 

As far as the closure comments, they’re interesting, but we’ve been “off” for so long that I’m pretty sure that closure isn’t necessary after all this time.

Edited November 3, 2018 by beowulf44

[ExpatInItaly]

To clarify, perhaps I exaggerated the platonic element. We still get along really well and I could tell I was still able to push her buttons... its just that neither of us took the initiative to make it non-platonic. On her behalf, I noticed that she was very much enjoying the interaction, but there was also a reluctance to overstepping her boundaries.

 

I do agree that the smart thing is probably to "not try again".

 

That's fine, but you also admit in this thread that yours was an on-off relationship with her calling the breaks. That isn't what a girl who's really into you does.

 

Getting along well does not necessarily mean two people can make a relationship work with each other. You would be wise to look at the bigger picture of your 5 years with her. There is a reason it never got off the ground.

 

For what it's worth, everyone paints a pretty picture of their relationships on social media. It isn't a reliable indicator of how things are really going.

Edited November 3, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Redhead14]

everyone paints a pretty picture of their relationships on social media. It isn't a reliable indicator of how things are really going.

 

This always kinda cracks me up. OPs often do this and it's often clear to me, at least, that they are lying to themselves or else they wouldn't be posting. "Everything is great . . . there's just this little cheating thing or . . . ". It's usually a sign to me that they really don't want an answer to the real problem, they want people to tell them what they want to hear about how to fix the partner. They don't want to focus on what their contribution may be to the situation.

 

So often, the issue they are posting about is just a symptom of a larger issue with the relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

everyone paints a pretty picture of their relationships on social media. It isn't a reliable indicator of how things are really going.

 

This always kinda cracks me up. OPs often do this and it's often clear to me, at least, that they are lying to themselves or else they wouldn't be posting. "Everything is great . . . there's just this little cheating thing or . . . ". It's usually a sign to me that they really don't want an answer to the real problem, they want people to tell them what they want to hear about how to fix the partner. They don't want to focus on what their contribution may be to the situation.

 

So often, the issue they are posting about is just a symptom of a larger issue with the relationship.

 

Interesting! ...