Andi2 Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 My husband and I met when we were 17, and are both now 38. We have two kids. He is my best friend and has said many many times that I am his best friend by a long way! The family moved 2 years ago but hubbie couldn't move job, and still will not be able to for another year - 18 months, so we bought a flat for him to live in whilst he was working and he came to us for weekends. I found out he had been having an affair for 2 months, to me faithfulness is paramount and it is killing me as I had copies of all of the emails they sent to each other during this time, and they are very intimate! He insists and I spoke to her and she said that they did not have sex, although they went to bed together (he apparently couldn't get an erection!) He said he was lonely and as she was married she was easy company! Me being 150 miles away I would never find out, and he was flattered by the attention. He said she was only ever a substitute for me and he wished it was me he was with, she never was a rival. He is now commuting whenever possible ( he works shifts) and driving for 4 hours a day to show how committed he is to us, although he is starting work at 5am for the next week so will have to go to the flat. I can't get the words out of my head, and don't know if I can ever truly love him again as the hurt is so bad! We do have a great sex life, 5 times a week usually and we are VERY compatible sexually. Should I stay for the good sex, financial reasons, he is great company and I really enjoy being around him, he is and will probably always be my best friend- and probably the biggest one - for the Kids, who would be devastated! The way I have been devastated by this is affecting my mood and I will drive him away if I continue the confrontations and fights. What should I do? can you truly get over this? If I decide I can't go on with this will I regret not trying hard enough in a few years? HELP PLEASE!!!!
Ladyjane14 Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 It is possible to heal a marriage after Infidelity. In fact, some marriages are better than ever. That's the good news. The bad news is that it's NOT easy. The one you trusted the most, has broken your trust. You'll feel betrayed and angry by that, but also bereft in the loss of the faith that you had. It's a process, like grief is a process....and it takes TIME. I found it helpful in my own situation to utilize Forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't what alot of people think it is. It's not making yourself into a doormat and saying, "It's all okay now, let's be friends and forget about the whole thing". Nope. Not gonna happen. There's too much work to do. Forgiveness is more like "writing off" a debt that can NEVER be collected. It's recognition that there is NOTHING he can do that will make up for hurting you the way he did. He can't take it back. He can't go back in time and re-make his decisions. There's just nothing he can do that will change what he has already done. Forgiveness is a matter of 'cleaning the slate'. After that, you can either move forward in the relationship....or move on to something else altogether. But the problem is....you still feel a bit like a doormat, when you don't stipulate some consequences. As if he had gotten away with it somehow. So, you fall into the trap that so many fall into. Trying desperately to set up parameters that will make cheating impossible. Not only failing to repair the original rifts in the relationship, but actually widening them. The answer to the doormat question in my personal experience, was to insist on MUTUAL forgiveness. I recognized that I had made mistakes in the relationship, and while those mistakes didn't mitigate my husband's responsibility in making choices which brought his fidelity into question.....still, I had made mistakes. When we instituted MUTUAL forgiveness, BOTH our slates were cleaned. We could each resolve to do a better job in the future of meeting one another's needs, without carrying our old baggage forward. Cheating is a choice, and there ought to be consequences for it. But in instituting punishment....you can sometimes doom the marriage. The commuting your husband is doing will prove exhausting to him, and to you as well. It will increase the stress on the marriage. Is there no way that you can be together as a family now, rather than in a year? The two of you need LESS stress right now, not more. Are there any creative ways you can accomplish that? As far as regaining trust is concerned, look at it this way. He has ALREADY hurt you. If he cheats again....you've already joined the 'been there done that' club. How can he hurt you more than he has already? What do you really have to lose by trusting him now? If he proves unworthy....the option for divorce will still be there for you, won't it? If you are relatively certain that he is maintaining NO CONTACT with the OW, then what do you lose by giving him the chance to prove himself. You seem to truly want reconciliation. It comes with risks. You have to put yourself out there and take a chance. Love and Trust are also verbs. Consider using them in an ACTIVE way.
Author Andi2 Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 Thanks for that reply. He has asked me to move back down to with him, I feel that I could not do that to the kids, we moved here to better their lives, moving from a bad area to a nicer one, and everything for them has been hugely positive. If I moved them back they would not know if they were coming or going! In fareness to him he is still there to go through a promotion process that will then be transferrable to the area we now live in. ( He is a police officer) and I know that he is doing what he feels is best for the family work wise. I just don't know how I can ever get to forgive let alone forget this! I know I have made mistakes, I was complacent thinking we had the best relationship of every one we knew, we are the only ones I know that didn't have huge issues and really liked being together (shows what I know!) I knew this living apart was going to be tough but actually originally thought it would only be for 12 - 18 months, 2 years later we are looking at another 12 months! I don't think I would ever find anyone else like him, he is my other half literally! But how do you forgive and forget???
Author Andi2 Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 Further to the last, I know that he is not having any contact with her, I have spoken to her and she was stunned to find out he was married, he told her he was separated ( which he kind of was!) I have access to his email account (he does not know this!!!) (that is how I found this all out, and him and her being married that is how they communicated) She wants nothing more to do with him as she is also worried about the repercussions on her marriage! I do believe that she honestly thought he was separated and there has been no further contact since I found out (I have been checking!) It still dominates my every thought though! Because I have the email info I know exactly when it started and when they met etc, he thinks I hired a Detective to follow him! I did find out by accident, I was not checking his emails routinely, which is why it was going on for 2 months before I found it, if I had been checking his emails I would have found out as soon as it started!
Ladyjane14 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 When you're working on reconciliation....quantity time is as important as quality time. If you go another year like this, he might not come home at all. Your marriage might fail before that happens. That's the worst case scenario, but as a possible outcome...it does exist. One of the best things you can do during the rebuilding phase is to de-stress your home environment, and spend time together as you used to do when you first got together, as companions and lovers. Time spent alone is time for Insecurities to feed unhindered. You two need the reassurance that you will only find in one another's company. Have you noticed that you feel better when he's with you? Try making a list of possible solutions. Make it creative. Ask for input from folks who know you. And write down every idea...no matter how outrageous. Then sit down with hubby and see what you can come up with. Forgiveness will come easier once the Insecurities are under control.
DesertDweller Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I wouldn't leave him over this. I don't think this short-lived mistake should destroy a long-term marriage. There are lots of books out there on trust and infidelity. Reading about the subject may help. Good luck!
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