CopperKid Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) Hello. I have this difficult situation. In fact, I`ve never had worse in my life. Or so it feels anyway. So, we`ve been togather for over 7 years. Now, although not officialy stated, we are no longer togather. Long story short I neglected her big time for years and I don`t deny it nor detract it in any way. I feel I`ve ruined everything in the most stupid way humanly imaginable... One day she became as emotianally distant as you can imagine, out of nowhere. After several weeks of awkwardness she asked for space, 1-1.5 month of it, and after that "maybe" a couples therapy (which I proposed). As you can tell by the title, I gave her much more time. I moved out, with just a handful of my things and I went semi-NC ("semi", as i figuerd I neglected her going full NC would be yet another form of neglect) - I would call her every week or 2, to talk 'how`s it going' and fun topics type of talks (no drama talks) sometimes even for an hour as we used to when togather. During this period I went through a very long personal development journey really fast from a useless procrastinating waste to getting a really decent full time job in a new industry, working with a psychotherapsit, self developing and seeing clearly all my past mistakes. But after all these months, and seeing my change, when we met up she stated our relation feels "wierd to her" and "she doesn`t want be with anyone" and "doesn`t want to give me any hope"... and that perhaps i should take the rest of my stuff back, because my things arround her flat give her mixed feelings about me. She`s guard up, not allowing any physicall contact. Emotionally shut down to me even more. It almost feels like she`s too stubborn to change her mind even after I sucessfully manged to address the main issue in my life, which she cannot deny so she uses arguments of "weirdness" of the situation. How it all began. We`ve met at college we attended togather. We became a couple shortly after graduating. Early on in our relationship she cheated on me but i forgave her, I saw she really loves me despite all. Arround two years later we moved togather to an apartment she inherited. I didn`t want to at first, I was like "it`s a bit too fast" (yeah, I know-2 years and "too fast"...) and "I can`t commit to provide financialy at this point". But we put a lot of work togather to bring this place up from ruins. And she wanted it so, so very much and I really loved her, so I moved in despite my insecurities. It was arround that time when I lost my job and I couldn`t really get my sheet togather after that. Technically, I became an unemployed procrastinator. But, I had this tiny passive income i manged to develop earlier, which allowed me to fool myself and procrastinate continously... for several YEARS. Yeah. I know how awful that already sounds, but please don`t beat me up just yet. There`s more... It became a root of many "side effect" neglectful and sometimes downright abusive behaviours on my part. To give you the idea, the side effects included: - shuting down emotionally, not being attentive to her needs ie. she loves dancing and I would never really want to dance with her making excuses, not wanting to hang out with any friends with her - things like that. - throwing every financial responsibility at her shoulders. - I would quickly look to change subject when she was like talking about having a baby with me. Not that she was so big on having a child, but I didn`t want to make her get any ideas - being pathetic at several key moments. Like, for example, when she wanted us to spend some time togather on vacation and she even proposed to cover everything financially knowing I couldn`t afford it myself. And instead of being super grateful what a gem of a girlfriend I have my reaction was like "nah, silly you, why would you wanna do that, I don`t see this happening" - or something so stupidly dump like that. Top it of with me being withdrawn from anything more than petting and kissing for the last year of our relationship... I would abort it when she wanted more. And I know it was very hurtful for her, she told me she had very difficult time coping with this kind of rejection... but I just couldn`t help it I couldn`t, I WAS so afraid of the possible outcomes. I felt and still feel so terrible about it... I think this is what finally made her lose hope in us. Despite all this she would frequently tell me how much she loves me and how important I am, how (despite all I mentioned above) i bring so much to her life in terms of warmth, joy, love (again, despite all I mentioned above I was very affectionate and caring MOST of the time in areas not mentioned above) but also how concerned she is with abovementioned neglect. Now, i`m not entirely sure why I`m typing all this. I still deeply love her and I want her to be happy (which I told her) even without me, but at the same time i truly belive it`s all salvagable and it would be a shame for us to throw our connection away especially now that i`ve clearly changed in areas she pointed out as a deciding factor and I became credible in addressing other issues in a relationship. I would love to know if there`s anything more I can do... Should I remind her that years ago it was I who had difficult time forgiving HER but I ultimately diddespite being hurt, everyone deserves a second chance, etc? Or give her more time/let go? I do not know. The irony is I often feel like I would really use the support from my partner right now, and obviusly it`s not gonna happen. Edited November 1, 2018 by CopperKid
Garcon1986 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 It appears that you haven't shown her that you have a stable job yet. This isn't as extreme as finding a gold-digger - the woman's gotta have proof that you can take care of both of you, and a family. If that new full time job is solid and long term, props to you man. I just didn't quite understand where you were at. She's cheated on you already. You've said you recently put financial responsibility on her shoulders. You could be interpreted as a male gold digger. Are you ready to take on more financial responsibility? You turned her down when she said what about kids? You didn't want her to get any ideas. That's not ideal. You have neglected her emotionally and only fully realized it after the fact - that means you are not as dedicated to her as you think you are. She uses the words "weird" and "she doesn't be with anyone" as code to say, that you make her very uncomfortable in a long term relationship. Women do this to let guys down in the nicest possible way, because somewhere in there, they are fearful of male retaliation. I think between you two, this sort of emotional neglect plus mixed signals from the lady, is just going to go on forever. I would take a big pain (short term) now and leave, or face a long term pain (counseling and couples therapy, with no certainty of resolution). You've repeatedly demonstrated emotional neglect to her. The choice is between long drawn out pain with no certainty of a light at the end of the tunnel, or really nasty pain for a short while.
Marc878 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 She got tired of you. With good reason. Probably found a better prospect. From what you've posted it didn't take much. Let her go and learn from this if you don't want a repeat.
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