4 year relationship, I want her back, don't know what to do

[Scotta]

Hi,

 

I need some advice..

 

I was in a relationship with my now ex-girlfriend who recently turned 22 and myself being 27. We had a fairly healthy relationship (4 1/2 years) with no real big bumps along the road.

 

She recently had gained a group of friends at work (restaurant industry) that like going out after work She had been going out a lot getting drunk and having fun I suppose.

 

For the past month or so she said she didn't know what she wanted and needed time to figure it out, such as a break, I declined the break. She said she doesn't want to regret leaving or lose me forever so I said we can just see each other less and have more space, she accepted.

 

She had moved her pictures around on Facebook so nobody could instantly see that I was on the front page and had been telling her coworkers about how she didn't know what she wanted. I only found this out because I asked if she would like me to sit in her section at work and she said I shouldn't because she has been talking this.

 

She ended up breaking up with me on Oct 16th over the phone during a night out drinking, she called me really late and didn't remember doing it the next morning, she was blackout drunk.

 

The next day was her birthday and we ended up going to dinner and she didn't take pictures with me before we went out while her twin sister was doing so with her boyfriend, it seemed very strange. I stayed quiet throughout the night and kinda distance. Later in the night I brought it up and inquired as to why all this is happening and how it makes me feel. She said she doesn't know what she wants again. We went to sleep and the next morning I asked "Is this it?" .. she said she thinks that we need time apart, again I said to her, this is not a break and she shook her head agreeing, I then said goodbye and left.

 

I hadn't heard anything until a week later when she asked if she could grab her shirt she left at my house, I said sure that is fine. She came by on Monday to my house and I gave her the shirt. She proceeded to hug me tightly and told me she misses me, I said I miss her too. She started asking how I was and I told her good, I was not showing that I was emotional or a complete wreck during this meet, I was not a zombie either, I was myself.

 

She started crying for a bit and brought up that her grandmother was coming in December and her grandmother wanted to see me, I accepted. She started to bring up comedy shows that were coming up in January and February for a comedian we liked but didn't ask if I wanted to go, I didn't say much about it, I just was like "oh that's cool!". She then said If I need anything to let her know and gave me a big hug (10 seconds or so). She then said she had to leave and the day went on.

 

Later she texted me with the Amazon account information, stating I could use it, this was weird. We started texting back and forth, nothing about our emotions until I said to her if she needs anything she could let me know as well. She responded with "aww thanks <3". The texting ended for the night and I had been drinking. I called her later that night at around 10:30 and said I wanted to see her in hopes she would invite me over but I didn't ask to come over. She said we could have lunch this Sunday 11/4. I still haven't heard anything since we setup the lunch 4 days ago, this is eating at me, I want to say something but I don't think it's a good idea.

 

I'm going to go to this lunch and try to be myself, be funny and go with the flow without bringing anything relationship related up in hopes of showing her what she is missing and that it was a mistake. I don't know what to do after the lunch or how to proceed, do I not text or call and hope she comes to me?

 

Also I haven't been reaching out to her via text, email or call. She initiated the contact after the breakup to pickup the shirt and she initiated the follow up after the shirt meet up. It has been two weeks now and I really want her back but I'm not sure NC is the right way to go or not.

 

I'm going nuts right now and I cannot stop thinking about her, it seems like there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think about her and what's going to happen, it has been like this since the breakup.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Scotta

[ExpatInItaly]

I know this won't be fun to hear, but it sounds like she's met another guy at work.

 

She might not be sure if it's going to go somewhere, hence her keeping you warm (so to speak) but I would not agree to meet up with her or Grandma as long as you are still broken up. Grandma has seen a lifetime of relationships, marriages, break-ups, divorces - she will understand why you're not able to see you in December.

 

I wouldn't advise meeting her for lunch, either. Emotions are too raw right now and it will hurt terribly when she hugs you goodbye and walks away in the other direction.

[PRW]

Also I haven't been reaching out to her via text, email or call. She initiated the contact after the breakup to pickup the shirt and she initiated the follow up after the shirt meet up. It has been two weeks now and I really want her back but I'm not sure NC is the right way to go or not.

 

I'm going nuts right now and I cannot stop thinking about her, it seems like there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think about her and what's going to happen, it has been like this since the breakup.

 

7 Principles To Get An Ex Back

 

Best Strategy To Get An Ex Back

[Scotta]

I wouldn't advise meeting her for lunch, either. Emotions are too raw right now and it will hurt terribly when she hugs you goodbye and walks away in the other direction.

 

 

Do you think I should just not reach out to her then on the day of the lunch? If she tries to reach me, ignore it and go NC?

[PRW]

Do you think I should just not reach out to her then on the day of the lunch? If she tries to reach me, ignore it and go NC?

 

The whole point of NC is not for the sake of NC itself (like vengeance). The point of NC is so that they miss you which encourages them to initiate contact to you,...therefore it is counter-intuitive and counter-productive to ignore someone when they try to contact you when you were the one employing NC. Getting them to initiate contact was the whole of point of you employing NC in the first place.

 

Go to the two video links I posted instead of all the hand-wringing and running around in circles. They will clarify what is going on and how things work.

[Scotta]

Well thanks, I'll try and go to lunch, see what happens, try to move along and if she comes back, she tries, great, otherwise I need to face forward and not look back. It's just hard to accept the reality of it all but that's what needs to be done. Thanks for the check.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think I should just not reach out to her then on the day of the lunch? If she tries to reach me, ignore it and go NC?

 

I would simply send her a message and let her know that on second thought, lunch isn't a good idea right now because you need time and space to heal.

[d0nnivain]

She was 17 years old when you started dating & you were a 23 year old adult. She grew up & outgrew you.

 

The night of drinking / blackout drunk were her looking for courage at the bottom of a glass of alcohol. She didn't want to turn 22 with you in her life but she's a nice person so didn't relish hurting you. She's been running for daylight for a while; you just refuse to hear her & are forcing yourself on her. She's done.

 

NC isn't to make them miss. NC is for you to heal. You have a broken heart right now. Every time you see her or reach out for her, it's like a picking a scab. It bleeds & doesn't heal. Listen to ExPatInItaly. Do not have lunch with her.

[Scotta]

I know i'm dumb by saying this but i'm going to try to avoid lunch unless it's a desperation act on their part or rather that she really wants/ needs it. If she doesn't, I know where I stand, if she does, maybe there is a chance. I don't expect a response but I need to write this out, thanks for all the valuable information in the responses, you people are awesome.

[ExpatInItaly]

She was 17 years old when you started dating & you were a 23 year old adult. She grew up & outgrew you.

 

The night of drinking / blackout drunk were her looking for courage at the bottom of a glass of alcohol. She didn't want to turn 22 with you in her life but she's a nice person so didn't relish hurting you. She's been running for daylight for a while; you just refuse to hear her & are forcing yourself on her. She's done.

 

I also agree with the bolded.

 

She is very young and wants to see what else is out there, in all senses. I know it doesn't help right now, but most people don't meet the loves of their lives as teens. I have no doubt she enjoyed your relationship but she grew up and moved on.

 

I once was in her shoes, at almost exactly the same ages. If she's anything like I was, this break-up was a while in the making. This is why I don't think a lunch date is going to make a lick of difference for you, OP. Her feelings changed some time ago and she sees you as a friend now.

[PRW]

NC isn't just to heal, although that is part of that. It is also for them to take a break from you, miss you, and reach out to contact you.

 

So if she reaches out to you,...respond. If you don't respond you are done. If you want to be done, then fine, don't respond. But if you want to get back with her, as I thought this thread is supposed to be about, then respond when she reaches out. This isn't that hard to figure out. Make up your mind what you want, then do what "gets you there".

 

Watch the videos at the links I posted earlier. I'd recommend some others do the same.

Edited November 3, 2018 by PRW

[Simple Logic]

She is safety netting you. She wants to know you will be there if things don’t work out as she expects.

[Marc878]

She wants free of you but doesn't want the confrontation.

 

Let her go. I can assure you she is not "the only one" out there for you.

[Scotta]

I feel like I was great guy to her throughout. I just hope one day she looks back and says "damn, I had something and I threw it away for nothing".

 

I know this is ego speaking but it's the only thing keeping me together because I know I'm more valuable than something that can be thrown away and forgotten.

[Marc878]

It doesn’t matter if you are the best guy in the world.

 

You can’t make someone want you.

 

There is no “one and only”.

[Samsara555]

Hey there.

Sorry to hear about your loss, and much like most of us in here have felt before, it is going to hurt. But the reality is that it won't hurt for too long in the grand scheme of things, and it isn't permanent.

 

Another reality is that people change, especially coming from their teens into 20s, and this is very difficult for us to understand and accept at times. However, giving into reality and accepting things for how they are, will be one of the best things to be doing right now.

Just because she broke up with you, doesn't mean there is anything 'wrong' with you at all, like others have said, it sounds like she has simply changed as a person and wants different things in life.

 

My GF broke up with me last year, someone who I considered to be the love of my life and a 3 year relationship. What helped me a lot was to start to work on myself physically and spiritually. Initially you're going to want to do everything in your power to win her back, but the fact of the matter is that she probably isn't the person you love anymore. She is trying to make her 'new' life and find some happiness, so why should you deprive yourself of that too?

 

Hitting the gym or exercising at home, or even going for regular runs / jobs really helps for multiple reasons. Not only does it give you routine and something to focus on, but it causes your body to release endorphins and dopamine, happy hormones

On top of that, you'll start to feel a whole lot better in time, and quicker than without. Another thing that helped me was meditation and coming to grips with reality. Many things in life we have absolutely no power over, and I feel this is one of those times. She's a free human being to do what she wants, and she obviously has decided she wants out of this relationship, the sooner you accept that the sooner you will heal.

 

All the best to you, and remember that it doesn't heal over night, but it does for sure get better over time.

Edited November 4, 2018 by Samsara555

[Odettefaith]

I feel she's stringing you. She wants someone she can always fall back on. Most girls/guys are like that. It's like a safety net. Something u can fall back on if the other one didn't work out.

 

I think u r handling it well though. I think at this juncture if u were to tell her u have started seeing someone, she's probably going to feel really bad but of course don't do that.

 

Just continue with your own life and be yourself! U r doing great so far and I know the saying is old but time heals everything!

[Scotta]

Marc, you are absolutely correct, someday. I know I'm good a person and someone will see that someday.

[Scotta]

I came to this site out of desperation and everyone's responses has given me insight in one direction or another, all of you are great people. I don't feel alone anymore, thanks everyone, so much.

[Marc878]

You have more worth/value than to waste it on someone who doesn't want it.

 

Once you realize that so will others.

 

You'll be fine.

 

This is far from the end of your world