Mjm1014 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) My girlfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for about a year. We’ve talked about possible engagement when the time is right, and overall have a great relationship. She moved in with me a few months ago when her roommate ended up moving across the country. Thing is, since day one she told me about “her dog” that stays full time with her dad. He agreed to keep it years ago as a companion so it’s basically his dog also. Well now that things aren’t going well in his personal life, he’s deciding to go out of town every other week for days or weeks at a time (sometimes gone for 2 weeks) and throws the dog on us. It’s difficult to juggle with our work schedules because we are gone sometimes 12-24 hours from home so it requires one of us to be off. Hasn’t been a problem yet getting the time off, but luck is running out. I just bought a new house (parents helped me buy and told me in the beginning no pets-since im trying to flip and sell in the next year or two). My job requires me to be gone on overnights and my girlfriend is a full time nurse so we sometimes are gone 12-24 hours at a time. Thank God, so far he’s only dropped the dog off when we’ve both worked out our schedules. This week he’s going out of town once again and my girlfriend is stressed because he’s going to bring her over to the house when we are both working full time and she has absolutely no money to spend on kennels or dog walkers. I know this for sure-she stresses everyday how loans are killing her. Her family is starting to hate me because I am putting my foot down when it comes to this dog. They say I knew from the beginning about this dog, but in our one year relationship it wasn’t until 2-3 months ago when I bought my house (and she moved in) they took advantage by making us watch it. Now her family is mad because I disagree having a dog here at my house unattended for 12-24 hours at a time..they don’t think that’s an issue. My girlfriend is beyond sick to her stomach about this because she’s afraid she’s going to have to give up her dog now that her retired dad is deciding to leave town every week and all of a sudden doesn’t want anything to do with it. Again-can’t help that our schedules don’t allow us to be home enough for a dog and trying to flip a new house. What do you think I should do? Ps..the mom refuses to watch it at her house but somehow I’m the bad guy Edited November 1, 2018 by Mjm1014
Logo Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) The solution sounds simple, but how you navigate the resolution to this problem is a little more complex. It's clear that your girlfriend has to give up the dog for adoption if she and you want your relationship to work. You mentioned her parents' critical view of you, how does your girlfriend feel? Is she siding with her parents or leaning toward their point of view? The argument about knowing that you knew about the dog when you started dating is irrelevant. It's your house now and she was the one who moved in. Like you wrote, the dog was also under the care of her father. The parents don't seem to have their priorities straight concerning their daughter's life or future. They are expecting you to compromise which isn't fair to you. But they don't realize that their daughter could end up with her dog and without a boyfriend. Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote
MidwestUSA Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Bottom line, you KNEW about the dog. If her dad dropped dead tomorrow, you'd be in the same boat. Would you be more sympathetic if that were the case? My bigger question is, while you're both working like dogs (sorry) and trying to get out of debt, do you really need the stress of living in a house you're flipping? I get that it *may* make you money, but that's a hell of a lot of stress to bring into a new (and yes, it's still new) relationship. And if your parents helped you buy it, don't you simply owe money back to them? I'm a nurse, I've worked the schedule your gf has, and I can't imagine 1) the stress of all that debt and the living conditions, and 2) having my dog taken away from me. Sorry I don't have a simple and practical answer for you, just curious how you managed to not foresee this happening. 2
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 There is a solution.....have a friend or a relative dog sit at your house, and in return give them some money and make them dinner for their trouble....or, since you are now living together and possible engagement, you fork out the money for a dog sitter or a doggy daycare...or have the father split the daycare bill with you. Now if this can't be resolved that way your GF needs to be adult about it and make the decision to put this dog up for adoption. IMO that would be the best for everyone. 2
Author Mjm1014 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Posted November 1, 2018 Bottom line, you KNEW about the dog. If her dad dropped dead tomorrow, you'd be in the same boat. Would you be more sympathetic if that were the case? My bigger question is, while you're both working like dogs (sorry) and trying to get out of debt, do you really need the stress of living in a house you're flipping? I get that it *may* make you money, but that's a hell of a lot of stress to bring into a new (and yes, it's still new) relationship. And if your parents helped you buy it, don't you simply owe money back to them? I'm a nurse, I've worked the schedule your gf has, and I can't imagine 1) the stress of all that debt and the living conditions, and 2) having my dog taken away from me. Sorry I don't have a simple and practical answer for you, just curious how you managed to not foresee this happening. Part of me agrees but at the same time it doesn’t change the fact that we simply aren’t at home for 12-24 hours which isn’t fair to a dog esp if it has to go outside. I’m gone from 1-4 days at a time with my schedule and my girlfriend sometimes sleeps all day just to work PM shift at work (6pm-6am) then comes home to sleep all day so the dog practically gets zero attention/won’t be let out much. As for living conditions, the house is liveable, and actually quite nice but this is a short term thing while I fix it a little. Bottom line, neither one of us are in a place in our lives to take on a dog full time-and she knows it too..just doesn’t know how to handle it with her dad. We are rarely home as it is. :/ regardless, I’m putting my foot down and it’s not staying here unless we can take care of it..just stressing me out juggling our schedules. I’m only home 14-15 days a month and she works also.
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 How old is the dog? How many years he's been with the dad? You said the dog has been years with the dad so in the dog's mind his master is the dad, it seems cruel the dad would just abandon him like this. If he's retired why can't he take the dog with him to where he's going? Leaving a dog alone 24 hours straight isn't a good life for a dog even with a dog-walker coming regularly. If you cannot offer this dog a good home where he gets company and is appreciated then re-home him. If the dog is getting old give him to someone retired that has time to devote time to him. Your girlfriend wants to keep the dog because she feels guilt. She needs to understand that the dog isn't happy by himself and sometimes really loving our dog is to let someone else offer him what we cannot. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Dude, all I'll say is ... I get the dog thing. I had allergies growing up, so no dogs or cats or pets in the house. I have dated two women with dogs ... One seemed to have the dog constantly on her mind ... the other was just smoother at taking care of the dog. Just make sure that you try multiple options ... hold off on your panic. You do NOT want to break up a really good relationship (assuming this is the case) on account of the logistics of dog caring. Great chance for you and your gf to practice working out technical problems. If you guys can't work this out with both of you being happy, then you aren't going to work as a couple. 3
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Part of me agrees but at the same time it doesn’t change the fact that we simply aren’t at home for 12-24 hours which isn’t fair to a dog esp if it has to go outside. I’m gone from 1-4 days at a time with my schedule and my girlfriend sometimes sleeps all day just to work PM shift at work (6pm-6am) then comes home to sleep all day so the dog practically gets zero attention/won’t be let out much. As for living conditions, the house is liveable, and actually quite nice but this is a short term thing while I fix it a little. Bottom line, neither one of us are in a place in our lives to take on a dog full time-and she knows it too..just doesn’t know how to handle it with her dad. We are rarely home as it is. :/ regardless, I’m putting my foot down and it’s not staying here unless we can take care of it..just stressing me out juggling our schedules. I’m only home 14-15 days a month and she works also. If he wants to keep the dog, then he has to be more flexible with your schedules and financial burdens.
Author Mjm1014 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Posted November 1, 2018 There is a solution.....have a friend or a relative dog sit at your house, and in return give them some money and make them dinner for their trouble....or, since you are now living together and possible engagement, you fork out the money for a dog sitter or a doggy daycare...or have the father split the daycare bill with you. Now if this can't be resolved that way your GF needs to be adult about it and make the decision to put this dog up for adoption. IMO that would be the best for everyone. That’s an idea I already thought of but we are in a new area and don’t know anyone and both our families live 45 min away. We would need full time dog sitters for over half the month at this rate which would break both of us. In fact because of our schedules I only see my girlfriend like 2 days out of the week even though we live together. Her dad keeps going away for longer and longer stretches. I’m just so stressed because we aren’t home enough to take on a dog, we both know it and so does he, but doesn’t really care. Just sucks because this was never an issue in our relationship until now. Even though my girlfriend claims it’s hers, it’s really her dads dog that’s being thrown on us.
clia Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 I actually don't think her dad should be blamed for not wanting to take care of your girlfriend's dog anymore. He's not "throwing it on you" if it's actually her dog (and she seems to view it as such.) I imagine he started caring for the dog in the first place because your girlfriend wasn't able to do it? Was she expecting him to be responsible for her dog forever? I don't really understand why your girlfriend got a dog in the first place if she couldn't care for it. What does she propose doing about all this? Was there any discussion about the dog before she moved in with you? 4
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 That’s an idea I already thought of but we are in a new area and don’t know anyone and both our families live 45 min away. We would need full time dog sitters for over half the month at this rate which would break both of us. In fact because of our schedules I only see my girlfriend like 2 days out of the week even though we live together. Her dad keeps going away for longer and longer stretches. I’m just so stressed because we aren’t home enough to take on a dog, we both know it and so does he, but doesn’t really care. Just sucks because this was never an issue in our relationship until now. Even though my girlfriend claims it’s hers, it’s really her dads dog that’s being thrown on us. Adoption sounds like the best solution. Time to invite him over and have an adult conversation about this dog's future. If he doesn't really care too much about his dog's welfare, then it's the only answer.
Author Mjm1014 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) How old is the dog? How many years he's been with the dad? You said the dog has been years with the dad so in the dog's mind his master is the dad, it seems cruel the dad would just abandon him like this. If he's retired why can't he take the dog with him to where he's going? Leaving a dog alone 24 hours straight isn't a good life for a dog even with a dog-walker coming regularly. If you cannot offer this dog a good home where he gets company and is appreciated then re-home him. If the dog is getting old give him to someone retired that has time to devote time to him. Your girlfriend wants to keep the dog because she feels guilt. She needs to understand that the dog isn't happy by himself and sometimes really loving our dog is to let someone else offer him what we cannot. Exactly, the dog has lived with him for over 5 years (it’s only 5 years old too). This is where my guilt is..it’s cruel for the dog and not a right place to live if we are never home. Not home enough to take care of her and I feel taken advantage of now that I have a new house. I never agreed to this with our work schedules. Her dad won’t take the dog with him for whatever reason. Very sad for the dog, and it keeps being shuffled around. I am just at the point I feel the need to put my foot down. My girlfriend is in the middle of it, and is so upset that her dad keeps doing this. We are literally not in a place in our lives to take on a dog since we don’t have typical schedules that most people do (I’m gone 1-4 days at a time, and Gf works night shift and sleeps during the day). I see my girlfriend only about 2 days a week and we live together...so yeah not around much Edited November 1, 2018 by Mjm1014
Sunlight72 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) Great chance for you and your gf to practice working out technical problems. If you guys can't work this out with both of you being happy, then you aren't going to work as a couple.I LOVE THIS - great perspective Lotsgoingon :-D Yes, yes, yes. A great chance to try out your adulting skills This is not nearly the biggest problem you individually, or you two as a couple will face if you get married. Take a longer view and find a real, positive solution together. Step back from feeling like victims, and remember this is the type of thing people have come up in life sometimes. There's a good way to resolve this for everyone involved. It is really not a big deal. It's a dog, and it sounds like a good dog at that. Sounds like it will take some patience, grace, and good will from you though. That's OK, I'm sure you have those qualities for your girlfriend to love in you. Saying the dog is not stepping foot inside your house, and someone else needs to figure out what to do with it is not a solution. It's your girlfriend's dog. Who cares 'technically' whose dog it is. In her heart it is her love and her responsibility. Be the loving man here, and help her find a good resolution for her dog to have a pleasant life. That is what she wants. That is what you should want to help with. Find a way to achieve that with good humor and generosity (and in a satisfactory way to yourself), and you will be a minor hero. Which is a good thing. Act like it was easy, and you will be a bigger hero, which is even better. Edited November 1, 2018 by Sunlight72 6
Sunlight72 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 ....Her dad keeps going away for longer and longer stretches. I’m just so stressed because we aren’t home enough to take on a dog, we both know it and so does he, but doesn’t really care...Guess what? You're only hearing a portion of the whole story from your girlfriend. Her dad has had this incovenience in his life because of his daughter's dog for years. He's been canceling trips for years. He's been generous for years. Now it's time to say thank you, and someone else be generous. Stop blaming him and say thank you for all the years he graciously took care of your girlfriend's dog. It was very nice of him 4
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Exactly, the dog has lived with him for over 5 years (it’s only 5 years old too). This is where my guilt is..it’s cruel for the dog and not a right place to live if we are never home. Not home enough to take care of her and I feel taken advantage of now that I have a new house. I never agreed to this with our work schedules. Her dad won’t take the dog with him for whatever reason. Very sad for the dog, and it keeps being shuffled around. I am just at the point I feel the need to put my foot down. My girlfriend is in the middle of it, and is so upset that her dad keeps doing this. We are literally not in a place in our lives to take on a dog since we don’t have typical schedules that most people do (I’m gone 1-4 days at a time, and Gf works night shift and sleeps during the day). I see my girlfriend only about 2 days a week and we live together...so yeah not around much The dog is only 5 years old, it could have a great life with another family. I have a c0cker spaniel I adopted from a family that couldn't take care of him. They got him as a xmas gift and a couple of months later realized a dog was too much commitment. I am the second owner of my c0cker and let me tell you he had a good life with me! I take him everywhere with me even to my office, he has the best medical care, best food, he's a huge part of my life. My dog forgot really fast about his first owner who had him stay in his crate 20 hours a day. 1
GoreSP Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) So right now I'm in a similar situation as the girlfriend. I have a dog and my boyfriend is not totally into it. The situation is different because I have 'full custody' of the dog and my parents watch it when needed so he knew what he was getting into from the start. It's too bad you never had the conversation regarding the dog seeing as she made it very clear it was 'her' dog. One thing to keep in mind, you cannot win by telling her she can either move out or give the dog up for adoption. If she decides to keep the dog, the relationship is over. If she decides to give up the dog, she will eventually miss him and resent you for making you give him up. Would her mother be willing to dog sit at your house? Have you asked friends? You would be surprised at the amount of people who love dogs but can't have them who would be willing to spend a few hours with a friend's dog. I also suggest revisiting the budget to fit puppy day care or kennel if you cant arrange a schedule that allows at least one of you to be there and not leave the dog alone for more than 5-6 hours. Great chance for you and your gf to practice working out technical problems. If you guys can't work this out with both of you being happy, then you aren't going to work as a couple. This X10. My boyfriend is mostly worried because he has a toddler and my dog is medium sized so I decided to go through intensive training to make sure she is super well behaved by the time we move in together. Edited November 1, 2018 by GoreSP 1
introverted1 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Part of me agrees but at the same time it doesn’t change the fact that we simply aren’t at home for 12-24 hours which isn’t fair to a dog esp if it has to go outside. I’m gone from 1-4 days at a time with my schedule and my girlfriend sometimes sleeps all day just to work PM shift at work (6pm-6am) then comes home to sleep all day so the dog practically gets zero attention/won’t be let out much. As for living conditions, the house is liveable, and actually quite nice but this is a short term thing while I fix it a little. Bottom line, neither one of us are in a place in our lives to take on a dog full time-and she knows it too..just doesn’t know how to handle it with her dad. We are rarely home as it is. :/ regardless, I’m putting my foot down and it’s not staying here unless we can take care of it..just stressing me out juggling our schedules. I’m only home 14-15 days a month and she works also. Many people who work are out of the house for 12 hours, too. There's no reason your gf can't walk the dog when she gets home, when she wakes up, and before she leaves. That's what other working people do. Adopting an animal is a commitment. Suggest you go to your local shelter and ask about the fate of this pet if you were to abandon him. It's not likely he'll be adopted. 3
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 It is not your dog, you have no business making any decision here. This is your gf's decision to make. and as the dog will most likely be put down if it ends up in rescue/shelter then she will hate you with a vengeance if you force her to give up her dog. 3
Gretchen12 Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 she told me about “her dog” that stays full time with her dad. Yup, it's her dog. She's the one between a rock and a hard place. You should not spare your gf and blame her Dad. Her family should not spare your gf and blame you. The buck stops at your girlfriend. Sure she's stressed. She went and got a dog and then she couldn't handle the commitment, so first she got her Dad to help her and now she wants you to help her. It's her decision. Frankly if my bf got a dog then 5 years later sends the dog to the pound, I'd dump him because I can't trust a man who'd do that. 8
Juha Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 I am not sure how much you love or even like your gf by your comments in this thread. Yes, this is a tough situation with the dog but you are putting a house, an inanimate object ahead of your gf and her dog. You are putting money ahead of your gf and the tough situation with her dog. Yes, she has been put in a tough situation by her dad but if you are serious about this women you are showing her you do not have her back and are not here for her. You are showing her that a house/money are more important than her. I am not sure how old you are but letting your parents run your life like you are is not always the best thing if you are an adult. As far as the house being an investment property, I have never heard of someone buying a house, living in it and considering it an investment property. Investment property is when you rent the house out, that is an investment property, not your main house. I hope you think long and hard about how you are handling this situation and how much your parents are running your life I wish you luck 2
David33 Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 There's a lot to consider but either one or both of them have to go or you suck it up and take the dog in.
preraph Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 What's ridiculous is that your parents don't think you should have a dog because they're going to flip your house. just about every house that's ever been bought and flipped had pets in it. anything a dog can run has to be replaced brand new such as carpet anyway if you're going to flip a house. If you're going to be away from the dog for longer than three or four hours, you need a house with a dog door and they will fence backyard so the dog can go in and out. Otherwise you need to get your butts home at lunchtime and take the dog for a walk. 3
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 As far as I am concerned this dog doesn't belong to OP's girlfriend. She got it and right away dumped it on her father's front steps and NEVER got it back in 5 years!. What does it say about her? It screams irresponsible and she expects others will take care of her mistakes. 3
Redhead14 Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 He agreed to keep it years ago as a companion -- Possession is 9/10's of the law -- it's HIS dog, he needs to make the necessary arrangements. Her life has changed and there is another person to consider. she’s afraid she’s going to have to give up her dog -- SHE needs to stand up and draw the line. Short of that, you should stand your ground. Sometimes grown ups have to make sacrifices for the good of everyone involved -- more importantly -- you and her. they don’t think that’s an issue. -- THEY aren't in your position and they aren't considering what's best for the dog or their daughter and her significant other. 1
No_Go Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 Many people who work are out of the house for 12 hours, too. There's no reason your gf can't walk the dog when she gets home, when she wakes up, and before she leaves. That's what other working people do. I'm not getting what's the problem here indeed - there are so many dog owners with full time jobs (12 hours is not exception - that's a regular job with long commute included, so super frequent situation). I have a dog and work full time and it has really never been an issue. I don't see her being too sedentary or anything. When she was younger, I'd have got her a dog walker (there are apps for that) midday. If accident happens and she pees in the house, not a tragic event either If you don't want a dog, just put it that way, the rest are excuses.... 1
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