Should I break up with him if it doesn't seem like we're on the same page?

[NsecureBeeyotch]

Thanks for your advice on my initial post (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/668201-i-feel-anxious-about-my-boyfriend-visiting-female-friend-across-country#post7664018)

 

I talked to "Drew" last night, and even though I thought we were on the same page when it came to "what are we," it doesn't seem like that's the case.

 

I originally asked about his trip and he kept referring to his female friend as "him" -- I asked about this because I said I thought he was visiting "Alison" because he had told me, and he mentioned a random male name that I didn't see associated with anyone in the pictures he took.

 

I expressed my concerns to him about his trip and said that I know I should have asked what his relationship was with "Alison" and what the sleeping arrangements were before he left to calm my anxiety.

 

He quickly said he didn't sleep with anyone on the trip and changed the subject.

 

This really didn't sit right with me, so I asked what he expected out of the relationship.

 

He said it was moving pretty fast for him and he didn't want the "boyfriend" label yet and wasn't sure about exclusivity, citing baggage from his last relationship.

 

I said this was news to me, since he seemed fine with the exclusive label when we had a discussion about it a month ago. I also asked him what he wanted out of us.

 

He said he wants to keep hanging out because he likes me but doesn't want to rush into anything.

 

None of this conversation made me feel better, and I said if we're not on the same page, we should probably end things now rather than drag them out longer and breaking up later when it will hurt worse.

 

He said he still wanted to talk to me, and I said we could shelve this conversation for the time being until we see each other in person again.

 

Should I just rip the Band-Aid off now?

[PRW]

He said it was moving pretty fast for him and he didn't want the "boyfriend" label yet and wasn't sure about exclusivity, citing baggage from his last relationship.

 

I said this was news to me, since he seemed fine with the exclusive label when we had a discussion about it a month ago. I also asked him what he wanted out of us.

 

He said he wants to keep hanging out because he likes me but doesn't want to rush into anything.

 

The "baggage" is just a BS excuse. It means nothing.

 

He just isn't into you enough to be anything other than a "sex buddy". He doesn't want to cut it off totally because he wants the "free sex" without any kind of responsibility. He'll dump you as soon as he finds another that excites him enough. You sound like you are just a temporary fill-in till something better comes along in his mind. I generally don't tell people exactly what to do in reference to dumping or staying, I just explain the situation as best I understand it and let them decide what to do.

[Cojack123]

Thanks for your advice on my initial post (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/668201-i-feel-anxious-about-my-boyfriend-visiting-female-friend-across-country#post7664018)

 

I talked to "Drew" last night, and even though I thought we were on the same page when it came to "what are we," it doesn't seem like that's the case.

 

I originally asked about his trip and he kept referring to his female friend as "him" -- I asked about this because I said I thought he was visiting "Alison" because he had told me, and he mentioned a random male name that I didn't see associated with anyone in the pictures he took.

 

I expressed my concerns to him about his trip and said that I know I should have asked what his relationship was with "Alison" and what the sleeping arrangements were before he left to calm my anxiety.

 

He quickly said he didn't sleep with anyone on the trip and changed the subject.

 

This really didn't sit right with me, so I asked what he expected out of the relationship.

 

He said it was moving pretty fast for him and he didn't want the "boyfriend" label yet and wasn't sure about exclusivity, citing baggage from his last relationship.

 

I said this was news to me, since he seemed fine with the exclusive label when we had a discussion about it a month ago. I also asked him what he wanted out of us.

 

He said he wants to keep hanging out because he likes me but doesn't want to rush into anything.

 

None of this conversation made me feel better, and I said if we're not on the same page, we should probably end things now rather than drag them out longer and breaking up later when it will hurt worse.

 

He said he still wanted to talk to me, and I said we could shelve this conversation for the time being until we see each other in person again.

 

Should I just rip the Band-Aid off now?

 

It seems he’s unsure of what he may want. Unfortunately we live in a world where a large portion of men just want to get what they want (sex) and move on to the next without having an intent to commit. It’s always baffling to me the way people will lie and manipulate someone into believing they want a relationship and when they get sex they show their true intentions.

 

Just be careful how much you expose yourself to the hurt he may cause. And if he’s unwilling to commit then you guys may not be right together. There would have been a spark and he for sure wouldn’t have been vague about his trip.

[Logo]

 

Should I just rip the Band-Aid off now?

 

 

Yes. Don't waste your time. You can't make a relationship work if the other person is not trying as hard as you are.

[smackie9]

yes breakup............

[mortensorchid]

So he went to see a guy friend, then confessed it was a woman named Alison, and now he wants to slow things down with you and him? Many strikes here. First he lied about the gender of the person he was seeing because he didn't want to make it look like he was going to see a woman friend. Second, what ever happened happened, and whether it was a platonic arrangement or not, he wasn't quick enough in the beginning to say she was just a friend - he said she was a he for a reason. Third, he doesn't want to be serious with you despite the woman of that lost weekend. Move on.

[Shanex]

So he went to see a guy friend, then confessed it was a woman named Alison, and now he wants to slow things down with you and him? Many strikes here. First he lied about the gender of the person he was seeing because he didn't want to make it look like he was going to see a woman friend. Second, what ever happened happened, and whether it was a platonic arrangement or not, he wasn't quick enough in the beginning to say she was just a friend - he said she was a he for a reason. Third, he doesn't want to be serious with you despite the woman of that lost weekend. Move on.

 

Word. This guy is full of shyte.

 

Break up, block him on any social medias and phone and forget about him.

[RedHead5]

So he agreed to be exclusive and is now retracting that? If I read that correctly - yes, break up.

 

Actually, either way you probably should. This is going to cause you so much anxiety if you try to make it work. He doesn't sound like he is trying to reassure you like someone who cared would.

 

Whatever happened, he is losing interest if he is backpaddling. It may be because you are being more anxious because of the trip but even if thats the case, he should understand and have said/done things to make you feel better instead of amplify the anxiety.

 

I was in a slightly similar situation a few months ago. My BF had a girl stay at his house and the trip was planned before we even started talking. One of the reasons I did not completely flip my lid is because he was 100% honest from the beginning, invited me to stay with him during the time she was there, and did everything possible to make me comfortable. I did have a minor moment where I lost my cool while she was there but we talked and he told me he understood and reassured me nothing happened.

 

(After I got to know her and by the time she left I was 100% okay with everything, still didnt like her but I completely felt fine about the visit and could care less about her.)

 

Being anxious is not fun, if this guy cared about you he would put you at ease and not make things worse.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, dump him ...

 

And congratulate yourself for paying attention to your uncomfortable feelings when you heard his (evasive and inconsistent) answer. Frankly I think paying attention when something doesn't feel right or sound right (even if you can't intellectually figure out why) is one of the greatest skills in dating ... that allows you to screen out people who aren't good for you ...

 

And the only way to get to people who ARE good for you (when the alarms are silent or positive) is to not lose time with those who are evasive as this guy.

 

Nice job, not ignoring those alarms going off. Really nice!

[preraph]

Weird that he kept referring to a "him" on the trip. Was someone else there?

 

Anyway, he isn't wanting to be exclusive and committed or he wouldn't be hard to deal with about this type thing. And he doesn't want the "boyfriend" title, so that's even less than committed, as far as I can tell, so he really doesn't want this relationship. Don't know whose idea it was that you came to some exclusive agreement before, but it's off now -- so you should just start dating around and not always be available. I mean, you're not exclusive to someone who isn't even your "boyfriend." Then you can decide whether you want any contact or not. And you dating may hasten the decision one way or the other for one or both of you. I have never found that it's a bad thing to "date around" when you have a man you're into who has no momentum in your direction. You can't be a doormat for someone who is acting like they're not that invested. You feel better about you and even they feel better about you if you set some standards and expect more than they're giving. Whether they choose to meet that standard will tell the tale. You don't keep devoting yourself to someone who doesn't want people to think they're your boyfriend.

[snowboy91]

This really didn't sit right with me, so I asked what he expected out of the relationship.

 

He said it was moving pretty fast for him and he didn't want the "boyfriend" label yet and wasn't sure about exclusivity, citing baggage from his last relationship.

 

Ok, hang on a second... so he's been (or going - might have missed that part) on this trip and he's "not sure" about exclusivity? That's a pretty important thing to be on the same page about - your health is also at stake here.

 

If you're getting emotionally involved enough to want something serious with him, and he's still unsure, then sooner or later the relationship will end. If you end it sooner, it will hurt less, and you have more time to find someone who will give you what you want.