ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 You could stay in touch, but be aware that if she is not to committed to the same long-term vision that you are, she will likely start dating others. Does she know that you have considered moving to her city?
Author kpv619 Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 You could stay in touch, but be aware that if she is not to committed to the same long-term vision that you are, she will likely start dating others. Does she know that you have considered moving to her city? Thanks for the response. I explained this to her somewhat, but did not make it clear that I'd be willing to put my chips all in because she seemed hesitant. We've both seen other people at this point. She saw a guy for about a month and told me it went really well, but didn't continue. It's very odd how much she has changed in the past several months. Initially, she was somewhat of a stress case, always planning ahead, and worrying. Now see seems to be in a "go with the flow" mentality. She told me she is taking one day at a time and embracing life as it comes. It's so weird to see her attitude completely change in such a short amount of time. I wonder to myself if it's temporary or permanent. Life is going great for her, which I am really happy for, but at the same time, I'm worried she'll forget what special bond we had and take it for granted. Like I said, I really think we have something special but the timing is crap.
Author kpv619 Posted October 23, 2018 Author Posted October 23, 2018 I stumbled onto this post on my first visit to this site searching my own sad problem. It seems perfectly harmless what you are doing. If she is worth it and you are not holding yourself back, why not. I'm sorry to hear about your own struggles. Keep your head high and continue to fight! It's comforting to know we aren't alone. 1
just1looking2 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I'm sorry to hear about your own struggles. Keep your head high and continue to fight! It's comforting to know we aren't alone.thank you I appreciate that
Author kpv619 Posted October 24, 2018 Author Posted October 24, 2018 thank you I appreciate that Of course. Is your situation similar to mine?
SevenCity Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 This is a very bad idea. The harm is you will be firmly placed in the friend zone by staying in contact. Moreover, you will never develop a deep relationship with another woman because you are holding onto this one (tighter than she is I should add). When a woman really loves you, she doesn’t go and bang other guys. Nor does she move away. Your best option is to cut her loose forever and find a local gf. Dont move to her - she moved away from you. Ive seen woman change jobs, locations, religions and countries for a man for whom they had high interest. Understand, she will be perfectly happy to keep you as a friend and ease her guilt. Start living your life without her.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 So question: are you open to dating other people where you are? As in right now? Are you open to dating someone other than ex 500 miles away? Often a "no" answer means you're really still trying to "date" your ex ... you're just calling the relationship a new name.
sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 I think the idea of if this is the correct route or not really needs to be dictated by how you feel about the situation. I think one of the main things is she doesn't agree with the vision you have for the future and unfortunately that puts you in a tight spot. I think I would tread very lightly in this situation as any day she could meet someone else or dip out completely especially the more contact goes down. I couldn't handle the level of uncertainty, but you are a completely different person of course and I'm sure you can or are doing your best at doing so. I've never been in this sort of a situation, but I truly hope that it works out for you and for her.
Author kpv619 Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 So question: are you open to dating other people where you are? As in right now? Are you open to dating someone other than ex 500 miles away? Often a "no" answer means you're really still trying to "date" your ex ... you're just calling the relationship a new name. Thanks for the input. So I have been on a handful of dates but they've just made me appreciate my ex even more. It's not that I didn't give my dates a chance, rather it made me realize how much of a gem my ex was/is. I've reached the point where I'm willing to accept things if they don't work out, but I just want fate to have an opportunity. All this being said, I still have my moments of sorrow where I think about how much I miss her but this tends to be happening less and less as the days goes on.
Author kpv619 Posted October 25, 2018 Author Posted October 25, 2018 I think the idea of if this is the correct route or not really needs to be dictated by how you feel about the situation. I think one of the main things is she doesn't agree with the vision you have for the future and unfortunately that puts you in a tight spot. I think I would tread very lightly in this situation as any day she could meet someone else or dip out completely especially the more contact goes down. I couldn't handle the level of uncertainty, but you are a completely different person of course and I'm sure you can or are doing your best at doing so. I've never been in this sort of a situation, but I truly hope that it works out for you and for her. Thank you for sharing our opinion. So she saw someone else for about a month and said it went well. I wasn't mad at her because I had been seeing other people as well, but it definitely hurt. But I am thinking that this just means the blow will hurt less when it happens again?
GinON Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 (edited) As a 40+ man, you are young! Have fun where you are! You could pine after what you had with her but if you move there to be with her the dynamic will be entirely different because you will be there for her not you! This will make you look dependent and put you in a weak position and be a huge turn off for her. You talking about it to her probably already did that. Your purpose can’t be being with woman, that will drive them away. You gotta be doing your thing as an individual, driven by your own dreams. If you happen to end up in the same place and you happen to be available to each other, maybe you’re still a good fit. But you can’t live for that. I still think about all my girlfriends from time to time, I never forget the good things with them and she will never forget you. There will always be qualities you have that she‘lol wish whomever she is with had but that’s how life is. Cherish what you had, you will have better later if you want! Edited October 25, 2018 by GinON
sutsie Posted October 25, 2018 Posted October 25, 2018 Thank you for sharing our opinion. So she saw someone else for about a month and said it went well. I wasn't mad at her because I had been seeing other people as well, but it definitely hurt. But I am thinking that this just means the blow will hurt less when it happens again? Honesty, if you really love the girl and she's hurting you doing stuff like that I'd personally go no contact and focus on my own life and completley disengage in every way until theres a better situation. If before then you find someone better for you and everything then what harm was really done? If you don't and she does then at least you aren't getting hurt in the meantime. And if by some miracle it works out in the end then thats awesome. But like i said id go no contact and disengage in everyway and focus on yourself and bettering every aspect of your life. Good things will happen.
Author kpv619 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 Hello All, My apologies for the long read, but I find myself obsessing about my situation and going back and forth on what I should do. So my ex-girlfriend and I broke up about 5 months ago. We dated for 5 years and had a healthy/happy relationship with little to no drama. We both graduated college about a year ago. At that time, I received a local job offer and she received a job offer that involved moving 500 miles away for the next four years. When she received the offer and asked for my opinion, I told her to take the job offer because it was a once and a life time opportunity, and since we were so young (I am 25 and she's 22), it didn't make sense to sacrifice the job opportunity for what we could possibly pan out to. Our last 6 months together, she was determined to convince me that we should try long-distance. She put in incredible effort but I was unable to reciprocate it because I wasn't convinced she was the one yet and thus I felt long-distance was dangerous territory. Looking back at it, I wish I could had done things differently. I've had 5 months to think about her and although I can not say for certain she is the one, I know there is a massive amount of potential there. During our first two months apart, I didn't feel much if any pain at all because I moved to a party town close by and was busy going out and meeting new people. After those first two initial months is when I began realizing what I had given up. Granted each day gets easier, these past 3 months I can't entirely move passed how strongly I feel about her. I catch myself breaking down at times. I reached out to her a few months ago. We had minimally reached out to one another before that. It's very odd, her personality has changed drastically. In the sense that she went from someone who was always anxious (constantly worrying about everything), to a "go with the flow" mentality. She was aware of her dramatic change, as she is the one who brought it up, but didn't have an explanation for it other than she was afraid that her mentality would revert back to it's normal self. She went as far to explain that she was afraid her best friends and myself included would no longer recognize her. I made the mistake of emotionally and irrationally sharing my feelings with her. I wasn't thinking logically at the time and she did not respond well. She told me she was no longer interested in long-distance, that she had moved on from our relationship, and she was the happiest she has ever been in her life. That being said, she wants to remain in contact because I have had such a huge impact in her life. Very hard pill to swallow... but I worry that this is a result of her being on a temporary high in life. I mentioned this to her and she agreed that this may be entirely true. That being said, I want to say I am truly happy for her new found happiness and I hope that things remain that way for her. She deserves that. I really love this girl with all of my heart. To the point where I would be willing to spend a few years in her City (this would actually align well with my career). I brought up this idea with her, but she said she has no idea what her feelings are going to be when that opportunity arises. She says she currently doesn't feel the same way for me as she used to, but acknowledges that she has no way of knowing if the feeling is temporary. In the mean time, we agreed to talk on the phone once every two weeks. This was my idea. I developed this idea because I believed it would keep the door open if things between her and I were meant to be. We agreed on this a week ago and haven't talked since. So now I am trying to decide what the hell I should do: (A) Reach out to her when the two weeks are up, keep the conversation light, and see how it goes. If I don't feel much of a connection there anymore, reevaluate. This is the option I want to do but I am unsure if the pain will be worth it. (B) Wait till she reaches out and let her lead. Granted, I think this isn't the best idea because she is the one who has moved on and thus has less incentive to reach out. © Block her number, remove her from social media, and reevaluate my feelings six months from now (or whenever the time comes). I know this is probably going to be the Favorited option, but I fear by then we will have grown too far apart because of the distance apart. I fear I'll regret not putting forth the extra effort. (D) Any other ideas? Like I mentioned, this girl made me INCREDIBLY HAPPY and I love her, but I am also worried that dragging this on will not pay off, and instead delay the healing process. Thank you the read!
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 You two still have 500 obstacles in front of you -- all the miles you are apart. Having tasted freedom, she's no longer interested in an LDR. She knows you weren't willing to try before & now doesn't really care what you want. If you want reconciliation you need to talk. After 5 years it seems very rude o just ghost & block. Fading away would be better
Normm Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Based on what you wrote about her response to you, she's outgrown the relationship and doesn't really miss you all that much. Not much you can do at this point except keep in touch occasionally and see if there's a shift in how the wind is blowing but it's inconceivable that she'll suddenly wake up one day and all those feelings for you will come flooding back to her and she'll say "yes relocate your entire life and be with me for a few years". As stated above, blocking her would just be mean and unnecessasry.
divegrl Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Hi my friend These are very typical emotions for the dumper. At first you feel freedom, excitement and relief. But then you start to miss her and are filled with regret and guilt. The problem is has already gone thru the grieving process, accepted the end and moved on. The only thing you can do is accept this relationship is over. Stop trying to contact her. Don’t block her, but don’t initiate. Let her go and start focusing on your own life. Take care my friend.
Author kpv619 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) Thank you for the response. I know you’re right, I just don’t want to let go because I’m afraid i’ll regret it. I’m suffering through so much fear and anxiety. If she does reach out, how should I handle this? Edited October 31, 2018 by kpv619
Normm Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Play it cool man. I was going to write "play it cool" but then I wrote "man" because it's all about keeping a cool attitude and that sounds more like the attitude you want to be taking. Be calm, interested and concerned for her but somewhat detached and independent so you aren't pressuring her with your needs. Listen and make the conversations about her and what she wants to talk about. If anything it's easier that way, you don't have to "do" anything but listen to her, and know that there's nothing you can do that's going to make her decide one way or another.
Author kpv619 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 Play it cool man. I was going to write "play it cool" but then I wrote "man" because it's all about keeping a cool attitude and that sounds more like the attitude you want to be taking. Be calm, interested and concerned for her but somewhat detached and independent so you aren't pressuring her with your needs. Listen and make the conversations about her and what she wants to talk about. If anything it's easier that way, you don't have to "do" anything but listen to her, and know that there's nothing you can do that's going to make her decide one way or another. I'm not sure if this is just a defining moment for me, but I've gotten advice from a handful of people, and this is by far the best piece of advice I've received. Thanks a million. I know I'm still going to have my struggles, but you coming on to this website and replying to my post seriously has a larger impact than you realize. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Honestly, given that she started dating you when she was just 16 or 17 (correct?), I think she has just outgrown the relationship and has moved on. You were familiar and comfortable to her, but you grew up and grew apart. It happens more often than not with young couples; it hurts to go through it, of course, but it's part of moving forward in life. The girl she was as a teen is different from the young woman she is today. I imagine the same is true for you, even if you're a little older. Talking on the phone every two weeks probably isn't something you should count on, really. Perhaps for a little while, sure, but life gets in the way. As she dates around, she isn't going to want to feel obligated to call her ex. Keep it cool when you do speak, but don't get your hopes up that communication will remain consistent. 1
fromheart Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) Man. If a woman told me that, I would quite simply cease the conversation. There's nothing here anymore I'm afraid. Move away from her completely and meet a woman who is better for you. As for hoping to reconcile, why would you want to reconcile with a woman who tells you casual sex was better than sex with you?! Come on man, you deserve better than that. Looking at your other posts on this thread, you are denying what she said to you. That does nothing but make you look weak to her, she can really disrespect you and you are lacking the self respect to tell her no. She and no woman will ever be able to trust you, if you don't stand up for your own principles. Here's a little trick every alpha male knows. Disappear. Show her your strength. Let her reach out to you, and if she doesn't you move on to the next woman. When she does reach out to you, tell her that you've been busy with work, dating and living your life. She can give you a shout when she's in town. You have to learn to play the game like this, otherwise you will be used and abused. Your personal life will always come back to similar painful moments. Recognize that your life is surrounded by women. You don't have to commit to one, unless she gives you a good reason to. And telling you about better sex with someone else, shouldn't be getting your attention in any way. I recommend reading the book 'No More Mr Nice Guy.' Also, check Corey Wayne on youtube and his free book. Edited November 1, 2018 by fromheart
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