rngrl12 Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Basically I met N at the tail end of my master's degree. When it looked like things were going decently I told him that around the 2 year mark I'd be looking for increased commitment and he agreed he was on the same page. N goal was to get in the air force and I supported him through it. We moved in together this April and he always told me we would discuss marriage etc once he got his date. I lost my job the end of September and I felt a lot of pressure because I was financially supporting us. Paying for his food and anything else that came up. He still covered his bills. I interviewed for a job that was away from our home and he encouraged me to take it. I cried the week before I started the job because I didnt want to be away from him but I felt a lot of pressure bc I supported us. The first week at the job was my bff wedding. N got his date 10/12 but didnt tell me that weekend. We had a 2 hour car drive together and he says nothing. I danced with him at the wedding and told him how in love with him I was and how I couldn't wait to marry him. My parents asked if we were okay bc they thought he was acting off. I didn't notice bc I was so wrapped up in being the MOH. He dropped me off at my apartment that Sunday. We slept together. He waited until he was gone 2 hours to call me and tell me he got his date. I told him that it was exciting for him and congratulated him. Then asked him about us. He said he was too overwhelmed to think about it. That Monday I told him that I needed more commitment from him to keep making career decisions. That it had been 2 years and we'd been through some big stuff together (his grandma dying, long distance, me getting laid off) and he should know. I talked to my bff husband and my dad on Tuesday. They told me to back off and that he's scared. I told him Wednesday we could just get engaged. That I'm just looking for more commitment before he goes off in the air force. He acted like everything was normal Wednesday to Friday. Told me he loved me. Loved our sex life etc I said we still needed to talk in person on Friday. Figure out if we want to be together, if we do when we're okay getting married, and what our biggest goals as a couple are. I get home friday and I can tell that he's been crying. He gets up and hugs me and starts hyperventilating. I tell him I love him and it's okay and I'm right here. He then told me he's been thinking of quitting the air force bc he loves our life so much. Cries and tells me he's scared of failure. Then says hes not ready for marriage. That it's not fair to keep me waiting. The whole ordeal took 2 hours. He was crying and pacing and telling me that he's making a mistake and he'll regret it. I told him that in life we make choices and that I'd choose him with or without more commitment. That I understood he was scared and I'd support him. That I wouldn't ask him to make 2 big life decisions at once. He told me I am his true love and dies he give up true love for the military. He told me he thinks he will regret it and come back after his training with a ring. He ended up calling his mom 1.5 hours into the breakup. He came back in and I asked him what he wanted to do bc I had been sobbing and put it all out there. He said we were breaking up. I told him it wasnt my choice but that I couldn't change his mind. He had already lined up somewhere else to live. When he was packing his stuff he was saying he was making a mistake and would regret it. I tried to meet up with him last Sunday to talk but he told me no. I've been no contact with him since. It was the most confusing painful break up in my life. He was crying and telling me he loved me.
Normm Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 I know it's tough but I would immediately stop being so supportive of him and so willing to compromise on your relationship needs and reassuring him that you're there for him if he changes his mind. It's not quite begging but it's not all that much better. He wants out. You've got nothing left to say to him at this point except for "good luck". Over and out. 1
divegrl Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Hi my friend. First of all I’m so sorry for what you are going thru. This must be really hard. You must accept that this relationship is over and go thru the grieving process Get angry. Be sad. Take care of yourself and reconnect with family and friends. Hugs. Take care my friend.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 I imagine he feels terrible, knowing he doesn't want the same things you do. His emotions got the better of him when he finally had to break it to you. Some people are really not good with this sort of thing and can't contain themselves when they know they are about to really hurt someone they care about. I cried my eyes out when I broke up with my first long-term boyfriend, because I knew I was causing him pain and I felt very guilty. Strangely enough, that ex and I also attended a family wedding together just before I broke up with him. It had been playing on mind for a while, and when his relatives joked at the wedding about he and I being "next," I felt like a deer in headlights. I am sure a couple others noticed that as well. In my case, I wasn't ready and I had also come to realize that if I did marry in the future, it wouldn't be to him. After we returned from that wedding, I knew I had to do the right thing and end the relationship. Your ex seems to know, deep-down, that this break-up isn't a mistake for him at this point in his life. He is afraid of the future, yes, but he's evidently even more anxious about committing to you or even continuing the relationship. Might he come back from training with a greater willingness to commit? Perhaps. There is no telling what the future holds, or how either of you will feel once you've been out of each other's presence for a while. Maybe you will realize that he isn't the one for you. For reference, how old are you both?
Author rngrl12 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 He's 23 and I am 24. I have been no contact with him going on 2 weeks now. I didn't beg him to stay with me. I told him that the break up wasnt my choice but that if it was what he wanted to do I couldn't change his mind. I talked to his mom very briefly when I told her what happened and that it was over. She told me that he feels very overwhelmed. That she pressured him in college in regard to his career and that he felt pressure with me because I was up front about how I wanted a family and kids eventually. I talked in depth with my dad. We lived with my parents for 6 months so they saw a lot of the relationship. My dad thinks that N is scared and that he'll try to come back in <1 year once he's seen what the military is like. I am no breakup veteran but I have gone no contact and am off all social media. I figured if he wants anything to do with me the ball is in his court. I've never been in a break up where someone is telling me I'm his true love, his best friend, and that he knows he's making a mistake and will regret it while continuing to go through with it.
Soconfuzed Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 Based on the way you described how the breakup conversation went I'm guessing this is something that has been plaguing him for a long time. It sounds like he is afraid of commitment and it's been eating away at him. Some people just don't like to express their feelings especially if they think it's going to cause pain or a confrontation. They basically go along with it and don't rock the boat. The realization that he received his orders meant that he would need to finalize this commitment to you either through marriage or engagement and this through him over the edge. You might not like what he said or how things are working out but, he was honest with you. That's all you can really ask for. Maybe he'll come around and maybe he won't but at least he didn't marry you being unsure... Many people do and are miserable because of it.
scallop Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 I'm really sorry. It sounds like you've got a clear head though and can see through the confusion. You're also really young. A lot of people are getting married later on these days. If he's in the military, you probably would have had to live wherever he is stationed... now you can go wherever you want Also, as a side note, the way he's acting sounds like someone going off to war... is he getting deployed or something? Just don't get tricked into thinking he's off to some awesome adventure, it is not that glamorous. He sounds a little dramatic.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2018 Posted November 3, 2018 He is still very young, OP, as are you. While you might feel ready to settle down, he is not ready for it. As someone else said, it's better that he was honest about it rather than going through the motions of getting engaged (or married) without truly wanting to.
Author rngrl12 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Posted November 4, 2018 I'm not mad or resentful toward him. He ended it as soon as he got somewhere else to live following his orders. It's hard because I feel like there is no bad guy in this and he walked away from a good relationship. I am trying my best to kill all hope that he'll come back and have maintained no contact. He's going into officer training school for the air force January 15. I miss him and I want to talk to him but I know I need to focus on myself. He has my number and he knows how to find me if he needs to. I think he's scared with the military and once he gets in he'll realize he could have had both.
Zapbasket Posted November 4, 2018 Posted November 4, 2018 I think he's scared with the military and once he gets in he'll realize he could have had both. He could have...but it's very hard. I know it's very difficult to think like this right now, but perhaps this way is the best way for both of you. You both can pursue this next chapter in your lives unfettered. I say "unfettered" because a long-distance relationship is doable but very difficult, especially when you're at an age where you are and should be immersing yourself in new experiences, testing things out, finding out about yourself. The good thing is that you have left, as you say, a good relationship on good terms. This wasn't a lack of love keeping you apart, but a need to grow and mature that your ex recognized before you did. In a few years, you may start talking again, and all the mutual respect and good feelings you left each other with might at least be the basis for a friendship, and perhaps even something more--a new, fresh relationship between more seasoned, matured versions of yourselves. Put your faith in your own path. You're handling this really well by going no contact right away. Stay no contact. Focus on yourself and embracing all the new opportunities and people that/who come your way. You'll be okay. 1
snowboy91 Posted November 5, 2018 Posted November 5, 2018 I'm not mad or resentful toward him. He ended it as soon as he got somewhere else to live following his orders. It's hard because I feel like there is no bad guy in this and he walked away from a good relationship. I am trying my best to kill all hope that he'll come back and have maintained no contact. He's going into officer training school for the air force January 15. I miss him and I want to talk to him but I know I need to focus on myself. He has my number and he knows how to find me if he needs to. I think he's scared with the military and once he gets in he'll realize he could have had both. There doesn't have to be a bad guy. There were a lot of things that were good about the relationship, but there must have been something that wasn't quite sitting right with him about it, and so he must have had conflicting emotions for quite some time. I think the pressure you put on him to get engaged didn't really help - he probably wasn't ready for that emotionally. That's not a judgement on him though - he was clearly in a different place about the relationship compared to you. It sucks but there's nothing anyone can do about it. Breakups can really suck for the dumper as well - when you deeply care for the other person but you know that emotionally you're not in the right place for it, you try and clutch at whatever you can to try and justify your breakup. And hurting that person in such a way can tear you to shreds... I've been there. Big hugs to you OP - the best thing you can do at this point is to take the time to heal and move on. 1
Author rngrl12 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Posted November 5, 2018 At the end of the day I think it was pretty simple. He's not in a spot to offer more commitment and he knew I wanted/needed it to keep making life decisions around him. He knew he couldn't do it so he left.
Author rngrl12 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Posted January 25, 2019 So to update... turns out he cheated on me and has been posting about how much he loves his new girlfriend all over social media. Definitely a sucker punch bc it's exactly what my first ex did to me.
Orokotikki Posted January 25, 2019 Posted January 25, 2019 What dirt. So sorry to hear that, you are well rid of him. He couldn't muster the courage to tell you the truth. Never look back.
ChatroomHero Posted January 26, 2019 Posted January 26, 2019 That's awful. That's the actions of a child and not a man, you dodged a bullet. When it originally went down, you were confused why he was crying and saying it was a mistake but breaking up with you. This illustrates pretty well why you judge people on actions and not words. You will not usually know the details behind things, but if you look at only the persons actions and ignore all of the professions of love, you will get the clear picture. Hopefully what you found out has you relieved you didn't continue with him and validates why you are better off now.
Recommended Posts