Getting past a lie

[Malin889]

I think you missed the entire conversation. It had nothing to do with her past. I had asked about a few guys she may have slept with and she flat out lied. Then confessed to it later. It was hurtful and I had a feeling of distrust, but I don’t feel that anymore because I know that she is being truthful.

 

No I read your post quite clearly. You asked her something that was none of your business and she did not need to tell you. Who cares who she was with before? And she didn’t lie. You shouldn’t have asked her to begin with.

[CollinW]

Sorry, but that is just plain weird...

Why is any of your business who she has slept with?

Because he needs to know what type of woman he's dealing with. You can tell a lot about a person not just based on their sexual history, but also how they respond to their sexual history.

[CollinW]

No I read your post quite clearly. You asked her something that was none of your business and she did not need to tell you. Who cares who she was with before? And she didn’t lie. You shouldn’t have asked her to begin with.

He can ask her whatever he wants, and she can answer whatever questions she wants. At that point both of them can determine how to proceed based on the reactions and answers given. What she can't do is lie because she isn't comfortable with the truth.

 

If she has a problem with the number of partners she has then she shouldn't have taken it into account when she slept with them.

[Orokotikki]

A lot of people responding to this thread come across as attacking OP.

Ignore them Cojack.

 

She didn't have to lie - but that is some people's go to.

She could have said 'nunya business', 'a lady never says', 'gosh what a question!', or just told the truth.

 

The only reason to lie is to deliberately give the recipient a false impression. Some people never would, some only to people they did not respect, and some would at the drop of a hat without batting an eyelid.

[Malin889]

He can ask her whatever he wants, and she can answer whatever questions she wants. At that point both of them can determine how to proceed based on the reactions and answers given. What she can't do is lie because she isn't comfortable with the truth.

 

If she has a problem with the number of partners she has then she shouldn't have taken it into account when she slept with them.

 

No, I don’t think so.

[Malin889]

A lot of people responding to this thread come across as attacking OP.

Ignore them Cojack.

 

She didn't have to lie - but that is some people's go to.

She could have said 'nunya business', 'a lady never says', 'gosh what a question!', or just told the truth.

 

The only reason to lie is to deliberately give the recipient a false impression. Some people never would, some only to people they did not respect, and some would at the drop of a hat without batting an eyelid.

 

Maybe she lied because she was afraid of how he’d react.

[CollinW]

So no issue with her past, but it’s bothering me that she could comfortably and continuously lie to me. I have no inclination she is cheating or lying about anything else, and am not willing to end the relationship or ruin it. I’ve had my faults with not being as truthful as I should have been, so I know I’m in the same boat to an extent.

 

What is your best advise on how to gain trust for her, and to help us both have trust again?

 

Also my favorite quote from here is “if your not able to get over her past then I’m sure she can find a more confident man” hahaha.

 

Thank you in advance for all your responses.

You should be bothered. Personally I think the only thing worst than a woman with an "uncomfortable" past is one who isn't honest about it. I'd rather deal with a woman who slept with the entire city but owned up to it and was honest than one who slept with 5 people and thinks the way to handle it is lie when it's convenient. You can be assured that going forward she's comfortable hiding things from you in order to protect herself.

[CollinW]

Maybe she lied because she was afraid of how he’d react.

That's the chance you take when you life certain lifestyles. We're not entitled to people responding positively to our past actions. Would you be okay with a man lying about being a drug addict or alcoholic at one point just because he was scared about how you would act? Or would you be more comfortable with who he is now if he owned up to it and didn't run from the truth?

[Orokotikki]

Maybe she lied because she was afraid of how he’d react.

 

Yeah and sometimes robbers kill witnesses, sometimes they knock em out and get away.

 

The point being her go to method of dealing with it was lying.

 

So she wants to get treated like someone who isn't taking (or getting) calls from former lovers, when she was in fact someone who is. (Or treated as someone who hasn't slept with Bob, when she is someone who did).

 

Fact is whether she slept with Bob might not matter to OP, but say she hangs around with Bob, or plans to, for whatever reason, but for some reason doesn't want to admit to her current partner that Bob was a former partner, so that OP isn't alerted to their history... Red flag on the play is common sense.

[Gaeta]

The point being her go to method of dealing with it was lying..

We explained why, we're just humans and sometimes our knee jerk reaction is to lie to protect ourselves.

 

Fact is whether she slept with Bob might not matter to OP, but say she hangs around with Bob, or plans to, for whatever reason, but for some reason doesn't want to admit to her current partner that Bob was a former partner, so that OP isn't alerted to their history... Red flag on the play is common sense.

I don't see how this is relevant at all. This woman is faithful or she is not. The fact she might come across an old lover in a social gathering will not suddenly make her a cheater if she is not one already. What is OP suppose to do with this 'history'? How is him knowing that history gonna help him 'make her faithful' to him? OP has no control over this woman, he cannot keep her from cheating, if she wants to she will.

[Cojack123]

Asking if you have slept with specific people in your past is not like asking direction, it's more like asking a new date how much money they have in their account. It's inappropriate. Tell me, how did that better your relationship to know who she slept with when you were no one to her yet? and tell me you will never use this information against her down the road? If you ever come across this man in your social gathering you will never point to her that's the guy she slept with and you don't want her socializing with him!

 

If my BF asked me if I slept with so and so I would tell him: Honey, sorry I don't get into these types of conversations. There is nothing rude in telling a man your past is yours and not up for discussions.

 

When I asked is after we moved in together. She never told me it wasn’t up for discussion. She told me who she slept with in the past and when she told me who she dated I asked if they slept together and she originally lied. Knowing it was a lie it made me uncomfortable enough to ask further questions. This wasn’t a first date. This was after living together. You clearly haven’t read this entire thread.

[Cojack123]

No I read your post quite clearly. You asked her something that was none of your business and she did not need to tell you. Who cares who she was with before? And she didn’t lie. You shouldn’t have asked her to begin with.

 

No she did actually lie. Boldly and several times. She has brought up her past in casual conversation so I continued the conversation with questions that didn’t require a lie, however one was provided. I think our being a bit unfair.

[Cojack123]

He can ask her whatever he wants, and she can answer whatever questions she wants. At that point both of them can determine how to proceed based on the reactions and answers given. What she can't do is lie because she isn't comfortable with the truth.

 

If she has a problem with the number of partners she has then she shouldn't have taken it into account when she slept with them.

 

I cannot agree more. It also shows what OTHER truth she may be uncomfortable disclosing. What about std’s? (This is not the situation hahahahaha)

[Orokotikki]

We explained why, we're just humans and sometimes our knee jerk reaction is to lie to protect ourselves.

Precisely my point, that it is the knee jerk reaction for some, not all.

I don't see how this is relevant at all. This woman is faithful or she is not. The fact she might come across an old lover in a social gathering will not suddenly make her a cheater if she is not one already. What is OP suppose to do with this 'history'? How is him knowing that history gonna help him 'make her faithful' to him? OP has no control over this woman, he cannot keep her from cheating, if she wants to she will.

Of course he can't control her, it doesn't stop her in any way to be honest.

 

Although being honest about it, would to me, show she had no interest in hiding anything about it.

 

And it is worth him making note of the lie, in relation to how to future behavior. (e.g. She hangs out with Bob --> No big deal; vs She hangs out alot with Bob who she used to sleep with and lied about --> Maybe evaluate this relationship and where its going.)

 

Also in general, it is worth knowing if someone's 'knee jerk reaction' is lying, as compared to someone who doesn't have that same reaction.

[CollinW]

We explained why, we're just humans and sometimes our knee jerk reaction is to lie to protect ourselves.

 

I don't see how this is relevant at all. This woman is faithful or she is not. The fact she might come across an old lover in a social gathering will not suddenly make her a cheater if she is not one already. What is OP suppose to do with this 'history'? How is him knowing that history gonna help him 'make her faithful' to him? OP has no control over this woman, he cannot keep her from cheating, if she wants to she will.

It's not just about faithfulness. It's about honestly, being trustworthy, having self worth and value, showing discretion, showing risk management, showing good judgement, having compatible values, and having a clean image.

[Cojack123]

A lot of people responding to this thread come across as attacking OP.

Ignore them Cojack.

 

She didn't have to lie - but that is some people's go to.

She could have said 'nunya business', 'a lady never says', 'gosh what a question!', or just told the truth.

 

The only reason to lie is to deliberately give the recipient a false impression. Some people never would, some only to people they did not respect, and some would at the drop of a hat without batting an eyelid.

 

True. As much as me and my girl have spoken about this I see the shame she feels and understand why she did. It’s completely forgiven and done with. It hurts to be lied to, but I think everybody lies a little. It’s more impressionable coming clean sometimes.

[Orokotikki]

True. As much as me and my girl have spoken about this I see the shame she feels and understand why she did. It’s completely forgiven and done with. It hurts to be lied to, but I think everybody lies a little. It’s more impressionable coming clean sometimes.

 

That's a good insight, I know things aren't as black and white as some of my analogies. There definitely a scale or gradient to the circumstances most people would lie in regards to.

 

I think the (strongly implied by others) notion that a question which was uncomfortable entitled someone to lie about it bothered me, or that for certain categories of life choices people were entitled to not be honest regarding them.

[Cojack123]

Precisely my point, that it is the knee jerk reaction for some, not all.

 

Of course he can't control her, it doesn't stop her in any way to be honest.

 

Although being honest about it, would to me, show she had no interest in hiding anything about it.

 

And it is worth him making note of the lie, in relation to how to future behavior. (e.g. She hangs out with Bob --> No big deal; vs She hangs out alot with Bob who she used to sleep with and lied about --> Maybe evaluate this relationship and where its going.)

 

Also in general, it is worth knowing if someone's 'knee jerk reaction' is lying, as compared to someone who doesn't have that same reaction.

 

And that’s what it’s about. Reading a situation and seeing it for what it is and what it becomes and how someone handles it. And it’s also good to know how someone lies and their reaction. Because then it’s a good evaluation to see what truthful behavior looks like vs lieing behavior. It’s psychological at its core. (Not manipulative)

[Tristian]

To update, everything is so much better after the truth was out. All it literally was was that I was lied to. I tried to tell some of you that, but I guess you didn’t believe me. Haha. Thank you everyone for the replies and always know the truth is always the answer.

 

 

As it appears the situation has been resolved we'll close this one down.