Getting past a lie

November 2, 2018

I expect honesty in a relationship. My most recent ex was a liar and it ended up burning me bad. I used to think that his little white lies were no big deal just a minor annoyance but he turned out to be a cheater too. Then I got involved with a narcissist who lied about everything.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't be completely honest with my partner and if that partner judges me for my past then he's just not the one for me. It doesn't seem to me that the OP is judging this girl for her past but rather for the fact that she lied. And I totally get that.

Now that I am in a new relationship I am still cautious and I do still listen and I do still keep an eye on things just to watch for inconsistencies that indicate I'm being lied to. Once you've been through it you're a lot more sensitive to it. I don't get overly excited about anything I've noticed and I haven't said anything to him about it because he really hasn't done anything to make me feel like I can't trust him. I'm just observing. I haven't found him lying to me about anything that I am aware of.

But my eyes are wide open and I'm definitely paying attention. as long as things stay the way they are I'm sure that this will fade and I won't worry about it so much anymore. but at this point honesty is a deal-breaker for me and if I don't feel like you're being 100% honest with me I'll walk.

I would not care how many people he has slept with but I would care if he lied to me about it. the conversation came up once with one of his friends and I said that I had no desire to know how many people he slept with and no desire to discuss my sexual history. He has since brought it up in conversation casually with another friend and it was alot. I just offered that my number was less than half his and we left it alone. Neither of us really care I think and that is exactly one of the many reasons why I like him so much.

Honesty is important. I would just stress that you are bothered by the fact that she lied about it, let her know that her sexual past does not bother you but if you ask a question you would like an honest answer. (And of course don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answers to.)

Past that keep your eyes open and watch to see if she continues to lie if she continues to lie I would cut her loose. You can't trust people that lie about everything.

November 2, 2018

Then another guy she said was friends from back in the day. Same conversation of were you guys just friends or more?

She doesn't OWE you the truth of her past. You're not married, you're not engaged, so she doesn't owe you squat. If she's not volunteering it, then that means she doesn't wish to share it with you. Your constant inquisition of her past - "did you do more with this guy?" "did you do more with that guy?" are invasive, unwelcome, and unwanted.

The day may come when she owes you the honesty of her past. That day ain't here.

November 2, 2018

I expect honesty in a relationship. My most recent ex was a liar and it ended up burning me bad. I used to think that his little white lies were no big deal just a minor annoyance but he turned out to be a cheater too. Then I got involved with a narcissist who lied about everything.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't be completely honest with my partner and if that partner judges me for my past then he's just not the one for me. It doesn't seem to me that the OP is judging this girl for her past but rather for the fact that she lied. And I totally get that.

Now that I am in a new relationship I am still cautious and I do still listen and I do still keep an eye on things just to watch for inconsistencies that indicate I'm being lied to. Once you've been through it you're a lot more sensitive to it. I don't get overly excited about anything I've noticed and I haven't said anything to him about it because he really hasn't done anything to make me feel like I can't trust him. I'm just observing. I haven't found him lying to me about anything that I am aware of.

But my eyes are wide open and I'm definitely paying attention. as long as things stay the way they are I'm sure that this will fade and I won't worry about it so much anymore. but at this point honesty is a deal-breaker for me and if I don't feel like you're being 100% honest with me I'll walk.

I would not care how many people he has slept with but I would care if he lied to me about it. the conversation came up once with one of his friends and I said that I had no desire to know how many people he slept with and no desire to discuss my sexual history. He has since brought it up in conversation casually with another friend and it was alot. I just offered that my number was less than half his and we left it alone. Neither of us really care I think and that is exactly one of the many reasons why I like him so much.

Honesty is important. I would just stress that you are bothered by the fact that she lied about it, let her know that her sexual past does not bother you but if you ask a question you would like an honest answer. (And of course don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answers to.)

Past that keep your eyes open and watch to see if she continues to lie if she continues to lie I would cut her loose. You can't trust people that lie about everything.

Very well put. That’s more the point I was trying to get across. And I’m sure I did make her feel as though she couldn’t be honest or I would judge her, but I will certainly keep my eyes open to more lies and if they continue it will become a problem, but as of now it’s not. We had a discussion (that she brought up) and she told me he truth and I believe her. It’s hard for me to not think “what are you going to lie about now” but those are insecurities and I have no reason to believe she would. Until I do, all is good in the relationship.

November 2, 2018

She doesn't OWE you the truth of her past. You're not married, you're not engaged, so she doesn't owe you squat. If she's not volunteering it, then that means she doesn't wish to share it with you. Your constant inquisition of her past - "did you do more with this guy?" "did you do more with that guy?" are invasive, unwelcome, and unwanted.

The day may come when she owes you the honesty of her past. That day ain't here.

She owes him nothing now or later - they both are willing participants in this relationship.

Similarly, you don't respond to this line of questioning with lies - you enforce your boundaries; they both have their part to play in this miscommunication issue.

If anything, lying feeds into the negative cycle- to put it all on him without acknowledging that is short-sighted, imo.

We've already extensively established what OP did and he is perfectly entitled to his own standards and requirements. On this occasion, they didn't match but with positive communication as opposed to rehashing the decisions made over and over (on both parts) it can be sorted.

She's still responsible for the lying part, that's still a choice you don't need to make and that's not on OP's head.

You need to be accepting of each other's vulnerabilities and insecurities in a mutually respectful relationship imo, it's never just one way.

Edited November 2, 2018 by littleblackheart

November 2, 2018

She doesn't OWE you the truth of her past. You're not married, you're not engaged, so she doesn't owe you squat. If she's not volunteering it, then that means she doesn't wish to share it with you. Your constant inquisition of her past - "did you do more with this guy?" "did you do more with that guy?" are invasive, unwelcome, and unwanted.

The day may come when she owes you the honesty of her past. That day ain't here.

What point do you feel that the conversation I owed? We live together and have talked about marriage and still do, is that the point or later? Maybe a few years into a marriage?

I think it’s funny people put a time line on stuff like that. It almost feels like people want to suck someone into a relationship and lie and then be honest when all is invested. It’s a bit unfair.

Also another point to bring up is that why is THAT lie okay and others not? What moral standard is put on sexual past thats not out on other situations?

November 2, 2018

She owes him nothing now or later - they both are willing participants in this relationship.

Similarly, you don't respond to this line of questioning with lies - you enforce your boundaries; they both have their part to play in this miscommunication issue.

If anything, lying feeds into the negative cycle- to put it all on him without acknowledging that is short-sighted, imo.

We've already extensively established what OP did and he is perfectly entitled to his own standards and requirements. On this occasion, they didn't match but with positive communication as opposed to rehashing the decisions made over and over (on both parts) it can be sorted.

She's still responsible for the lying part, that's still a choice you don't need to make and that's not on OP's head.

You need to be accepting of each other's vulnerabilities and insecurities in a mutually respectful relationship imo, it's never just one way.

Your right. And I have taken responsibility on my side as well.

November 2, 2018

I’m actually pretty “sensitive” and “in touch with my emotions” especially for a male. That’s always an attractive trait. Good thing I’m not dating you.

I don’t think many women find it an attractive trait if being sensitive means being needy and insecure.

November 2, 2018

Also another point to bring up is that why is THAT lie okay and others not? What moral standard is put on sexual past thats not out on other situations?

Because we're in 2019 and it's over with the centuries of judging a woman on her sexual past. Her body belongs to her and she doesn't owe to anyone to list her past partners. THAT lie is *forgivable* because it was a lie to protect her right to privacy. She was not confident enough to tell you to your face she doesn't want to answer those questions because she knows she had more partners than you and she knows how that can hit a man's ego, especially a man that only had a couple of partners.

Is she much younger than you?

November 2, 2018

Because we're in 2019 and it's over with the centuries of judging a woman on her sexual past. Her body belongs to her and she doesn't owe to anyone to list her past partners. THAT lie is *forgivable* because it was a lie to protect her right to privacy. She was not confident enough to tell you to your face she doesn't want to answer those questions because she knows she had more partners than you and she knows how that can hit a man's ego, especially a man that only had a couple of partners.

Is she much younger than you?

THeres truth to that. Luckily I’m not a man that is very hurt by that. Just because there’s many doesn’t mean they were good hh

November 2, 2018

Your right. And I have taken responsibility on my side as well.

That's all you can do, OP. I personally only care about someone's sexual past insofar as they have no hangups about it, whatever number of sexual partners they have.

You should be able to discuss these things with your partner without feeling judged one way or the other; it's true that men who are not 'players' are also judged negatively sometimes, which can bring its own set of insecurities.

In any case, with an open mind and honest conversations on both sides, most things can be overcome.

November 2, 2018

That's all you can do, OP. I personally only care about someone's sexual past insofar as they have no hangups about it, whatever number of sexual partners they have.

You should be able to discuss these things with your partner without feeling judged one way or the other; it's true that men who are not 'players' are also judged negatively sometimes, which can bring its own set of insecurities.

In any case, with an open mind and honest conversations on both sides, most things can be overcome.

Yeah true. My first was my wife and things didn’t go well sexually from her side. It was very disappointing. And girlfriend being the second. I like that I can give that to someone. I see it mostly as a respectable thing.

November 2, 2018

Because we're in 2019 and it's over with the centuries of judging a woman on her sexual past. Her body belongs to her and she doesn't owe to anyone to list her past partners. THAT lie is *forgivable* because it was a lie to protect her right to privacy. She was not confident enough to tell you to your face she doesn't want to answer those questions because she knows she had more partners than you and she knows how that can hit a man's ego, especially a man that only had a couple of partners.

Is she much younger than you?

She’s 3 years younger. She just hasn’t been in many long term relationships. She’s wanted to be and searched for that but hasn’t worked out until me. I on the other hand was married for 5 years and together with that person for 9. I’m only 28. Too many problems with that to list right now haha

November 2, 2018

Yeah true. My first was my wife and things didn’t go well sexually from her side. It was very disappointing. And girlfriend being the second. I like that I can give that to someone. I see it mostly as a respectable thing.

Well hopefully it'll work out for you both. You are still both young and learning to communicate with each other and this needn't be blown out of proportion, especially if you're both committed to each other.

November 2, 2018

Well hopefully it'll work out for you both. You are still both young and learning to communicate with each other and this needn't be blown out of proportion, especially if you're both committed to each other.

Agreed. A relationship is almost always bigger then your problems. Most can be worked out if both are willing. Not hat this is even a problem.

November 13, 2018

To update, everything is so much better after the truth was out. All it literally was was that I was lied to. I tried to tell some of you that, but I guess you didn’t believe me. Haha. Thank you everyone for the replies and always know the truth is always the answer.

November 13, 2018

Hold off, so because she didn't tell you that she slept with guys before she dated you, she is lying? She doesn't need to tell you anything about her past. When two people enter a new relationship, there should be a clean slate for both. Leave her alone.

November 13, 2018

Hold off, so because she didn't tell you that she slept with guys before she dated you, she is lying? She doesn't need to tell you anything about her past. When two people enter a new relationship, there should be a clean slate for both. Leave her alone.

I think you missed the entire conversation. It had nothing to do with her past. I had asked about a few guys she may have slept with and she flat out lied. Then confessed to it later. It was hurtful and I had a feeling of distrust, but I don’t feel that anymore because I know that she is being truthful.

November 13, 2018

I think you missed the entire conversation. It had nothing to do with her past. I had asked about a few guys she may have slept with and she flat out lied. Then confessed to it later. It was hurtful and I had a feeling of distrust, but I don’t feel that anymore because I know that she is being truthful.

She "confessed" after an "interrogation" by you...

You may think everything is now hunky dory, but people rarely forget stuff like this.

November 13, 2018

She "confessed" after an "interrogation" by you...

You may think everything is now hunky dory, but people rarely forget stuff like this.

I don’t expect her to forget it. What I do expect is honesty in a relationship. Not too much to ask for. She was relieved to tell me because she knew she didn’t want keep anything from me. Her words not mine.

November 13, 2018

I don’t expect her to forget it. What I do expect is honesty in a relationship. Not too much to ask for. She was relieved to tell me because she knew she didn’t want keep anything from me. Her words not mine.

That's not honesty, that's invasion of privacy and intimidation. You used the 'honesty' card to get information out of her that was none of your business. I hope this young woman grows a spine and next time a man ask her if she slept with so and so she can answer: none of your business sir!

November 13, 2018

That's not honesty, that's invasion of privacy and intimidation. You used the 'honesty' card to get information out of her that was none of your business. I hope this young woman grows a spine and next time a man ask her if she slept with so and so she can answer: none of your business sir!

You have a very skewed version of a relationship. Everyone is different in relationships and all relationships work in different ways. There was no “interrogating”, there was questions and obvious lies which made me uncomfortable until she told me.

November 13, 2018

You have a very skewed version of a relationship. Everyone is different in relationships and all relationships work in different ways. There was no “interrogating”, there was questions and obvious lies which made me uncomfortable until she told me.

Your justifying yourself with semantic. There should not have been that type of questions. It's inappropriate in a dating relationship. How long will you allow yourself this type of questions? When the milk man drops the milk and your brain goes curious will you be asking her if she slept with him? about her mechanic? her boss? Did you think of asking her if she slept with her sister's husband?

My thinking is not skewed, majority of people on here think the same as I do, I just deliver my message to you differently. What you did was inappropriate, she was caught off guard, didn't want to reply because she feared your judgement that's how she ended up not answering the truth on the spot. Her feeling relieved has nothing to do with coming clean with her lie, it's all about obeying your rules and surviving your judgement.

November 13, 2018

Your justifying yourself with semantic. There should not have been that type of questions. It's inappropriate in a dating relationship. How long will you allow yourself this type of questions? When the milk man drops the milk and your brain goes curious will you be asking her if she slept with him? about her mechanic? her boss? Did you think of asking her if she slept with her sister's husband?

My thinking is not skewed, majority of people on here think the same as I do, I just deliver my message to you differently. What you did was inappropriate, she was caught off guard, didn't want to reply because she feared your judgement that's how she ended up not answering the truth on the spot. Her feeling relieved has nothing to do with coming clean with her lie, it's all about obeying your rules and surviving your judgement.

Number 1 there was no judgement. Number 2 I was asking about ex’s or something she brought up. Why should I be chastised for my questions when asked honestly and openly? A simple question is a simple question. Like asking for directions. But it would be rude if the answer was “none of your business” hahaha. You crack me up.

Edited November 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

November 13, 2018

A simple question is a simple question. Like asking for directions. But it would be rude if the answer was “none of your business” hahaha. You crack me up.

Asking if you have slept with specific people in your past is not like asking direction, it's more like asking a new date how much money they have in their account. It's inappropriate. Tell me, how did that better your relationship to know who she slept with when you were no one to her yet? and tell me you will never use this information against her down the road? If you ever come across this man in your social gathering you will never point to her that's the guy she slept with and you don't want her socializing with him!

If my BF asked me if I slept with so and so I would tell him: Honey, sorry I don't get into these types of conversations. There is nothing rude in telling a man your past is yours and not up for discussions.

November 13, 2018

It wouldnt have been a big deal had we not already had the “whats each others sexual past” conversation.

Sorry, but that is just plain weird...

Why is any of your business who she has slept with?

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