Getting past a lie

October 31, 2018

I have kids so its definitely nothing that can go away. She has a kid also. We all love each others kids very well and have a great relationship. We live together. The ex is a little crazy. Has more of a victim mentality then anything. I guess the treatment i got from her may be coming into the new relationship a bit. Plus theres stress about the divorce thats stressful.

Divorce is brutal in most cases. No two ways about it. It's just brutal. Especially where kids are involved. As I've helped loved ones go through divorce my empathy for them was huge as I saw them suffer. It felt like a death in the family, truly it did. I hope you're not suffering like that.

Anyways I won't pry, but share more if you feel like it.

I had an EPIPHANY on day.....(I know, right?)....: It went something like this. They are either going to be faithful or they are not. What would I DO if they proved unfaithful? Would I eventually be okay? And, the answer was, 'Yes, I would eventually be okay.' Does that mean it wouldn't hurt? No. But I realized that the person I needed to be faithful to the MOST was MYSELF. Does that make sense?

I have to live with myself 24/7/365....and so, regardless of what anyone in my life does or doesn't do...I have to be okay with myself. People have come into my life and people have exited my life and some people have come back around even years later. So, good bye or so long or cya later is not a foreign concept to any of us. If I'm okay with myself, it'll be okay a sooner than if I'm not okay with myself. This epiphany is something that helped me get over being cheated on.

It sounds like to me you are struggling a bit with her past but the fact you came here to even discuss tells us a lot. Also tells me that fidelity in a relationship is important to you. But I probably don't even have to tell you that being true to yourself is the number one fidelity. All other fidelities will fall into place. And yeah, there's going to be times the kids come first, always. I'm sure you and her have had this discussion already and you're good in that area.

Edited October 31, 2018 by MountainGirl111

October 31, 2018

Oh my dude, do not ask a woman about her sexual history. You are only entitled to whether there is a possibility she has any STD’s. You aren’t entitled to details. There should not be any sexual past conversation, that’s so needy. She is with you now. Don’t shame her for what she’s done before you. Let her be her. You don’t want to be that guy, and trust me she isn’t going to be a freak for you in the bed if you judge her on past crap. Leave it alone man.

November 1, 2018

If you don't trust the person someone is, it's not them. It's you. Get over it. The past is done. Move on. If you can't, find someone else. Problem is, we take ourselves with us. GL

November 1, 2018

She lied because you ask awkward questions that are none of your business, OP.

You need to learn when to drop the line of questioning and let it be. Boundaries, man.

November 1, 2018

She lied because you ask awkward questions that are none of your business, OP.

You need to learn when to drop the line of questioning and let it be. Boundaries, man.

True, and I agree. Thank you for the response.

November 1, 2018

Divorce is brutal in most cases. No two ways about it. It's just brutal. Especially where kids are involved. As I've helped loved ones go through divorce my empathy for them was huge as I saw them suffer. It felt like a death in the family, truly it did. I hope you're not suffering like that.

Anyways I won't pry, but share more if you feel like it.

I had an EPIPHANY on day.....(I know, right?)....: It went something like this. They are either going to be faithful or they are not. What would I DO if they proved unfaithful? Would I eventually be okay? And, the answer was, 'Yes, I would eventually be okay.' Does that mean it wouldn't hurt? No. But I realized that the person I needed to be faithful to the MOST was MYSELF. Does that make sense?

I have to live with myself 24/7/365....and so, regardless of what anyone in my life does or doesn't do...I have to be okay with myself. People have come into my life and people have exited my life and some people have come back around even years later. So, good bye or so long or cya later is not a foreign concept to any of us. If I'm okay with myself, it'll be okay a sooner than if I'm not okay with myself. This epiphany is something that helped me get over being cheated on.

It sounds like to me you are struggling a bit with her past but the fact you came here to even discuss tells us a lot. Also tells me that fidelity in a relationship is important to you. But I probably don't even have to tell you that being true to yourself is the number one fidelity. All other fidelities will fall into place. And yeah, there's going to be times the kids come first, always. I'm sure you and her have had this discussion already and you're good in that area.

Yes divorce is brutal. We met and started talking early in the separation. Too soon some may say, but I know we are meant to be together. There’s just a feeling you get when you know.

We have had the discussion a few times. I think I’m more the type of “let’s talk about this, get it done, and move on” rather then talk as our relationship goes. And as unreasonable as some may say it sounds, I’m the type to like to know sexual past. I’m always under the impression that the past does partly shape the future, though that may not always be true. So in circumstances as “I’ve never had a relationship and slept with 50 guys this year” you think a little more about that persons commitment to you, you know? (That’s not this situation)

And this is speaking for male and female, not just females.

November 1, 2018

. I’m always under the impression that the past does partly shape the future, though that may not always be true. So in circumstances as “I’ve never had a relationship and slept with 50 guys this year” you think a little more about that persons commitment to you, you know?

Of course you want to know where the person comes from, has she had relationships, how long were those relationships but who she slept with or how many isn't telling of anything. See, I am faithful to a fault! When I am in a relationship I am loyal to the end and I give my everything. When I am single I am free and I don't keep track of how many men I sleep with. If I feel like it, I do it. I don't owe an explanation to anyone. If my BF had asked me how many sexual partners I had I would not have been able to answer because I just don't know! too many to keep track. Is that telling of how serious I take a commitment ? Absolutely not! I was married 15 years, I was faithful to the end even when he was bad for several years.

What you are trying to accomplish by supervising this woman I don't understand. Unless she admitted to you she cheated in the past? If she did then don't date her, period. I am all for sexual freedom when single but I would never date a man that cheated on his partner in the past. That's not about sex, that's about moral and commitment.

November 1, 2018

Sometimes it's important to know what questions not to ask.

Simple question: Why is her past important?

There's really no point in discussing past relationships because some people prefer to leave it all behind, some people don't find it productive or relevant.

Suppose person A was in a relationship with person B. And Person B had cheated in the past before he or she met person A.

Odds are, person B is not going to tell the truth about cheating. So what would be the point of confronting a person and asking, "Have you ever cheated on someone?"

And if for some reason person B decided to be honest, then person A is always going to be haunted by that fact.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Logo

November 1, 2018

OP, we all have our boundaries and dealbreakers, and they're all fine. You just need to find someone who is ok with what you want.

I personally don't want or need to know every intimate detail of someone's life in the first few months. It's not because I don't care or I have something to hide (I don't); it's just that I don't think intimacy can be fast-tracked.

Imo, you need to feel safe and comfortable sharing intimate details of your life with your partner as part of the 'getting to know each other' process. I don't want to feel pressured, rushed or coerced into 'full disclosure' on request, though I would be willingly get to that point gradually in my own time. To me trust needs to grow and be nurtured at a natural pace.

If your feel your partner takes too long to open up or isn't forthcoming enough for your liking, you still have a choice: be patient or let it drop if, on balance, the relationship is worth it.

Or explain this isn't meeting your 'full disclosure' requirement (which you are entitled to have) and take the risk of the relationship ending if you don't get the outcome you want.

She shouldn't have lied, you shouldn't have pushed; whether this is salvageable depends on the type of relationship you want and your boundaries (yours and hers).

You need to have a clear conversation with each other or the lies/resentment/paranoia/control cycle you have just started will set in and poison your relationship.

November 1, 2018

OP, we all have our boundaries and dealbreakers, and they're all fine. You just need to find someone who is ok with what you want.

I personally don't want or need to know every intimate detail of someone's life in the first few months. It's not because I don't care or I have something to hide (I don't); it's just that I don't think intimacy can be fast-tracked.

Imo, you need to feel safe and comfortable sharing intimate details of your life with your partner as part of the 'getting to know each other' process. I don't want to feel pressured, rushed or coerced into 'full disclosure' on request, though I would be willingly get to that point gradually in my own time. To me trust needs to grow and be nurtured at a natural pace.

If your feel your partner takes too long to open up or isn't forthcoming enough for your liking, you still have a choice: be patient or let it drop if, on balance, the relationship is worth it.

Or explain this isn't meeting your 'full disclosure' requirement (which you are entitled to have) and take the risk of the relationship ending if you don't get the outcome you want.

She shouldn't have lied, you shouldn't have pushed; whether this is salvageable depends on the type of relationship you want and your boundaries (yours and hers).

You need to have a clear conversation with each other or the lies/resentment/paranoia/control cycle you have just started will set in and poison your relationship.

We are definitely close enough for this to not ruin the relationship. Unless it’s found she has more tendencies to lie which I haven’t seen or been suspicious of.

I certainly don’t want that cycle, that’s not healthy or fair to me or her. Thank you for the advise.

November 1, 2018

Sometimes it's important to know what questions not to ask.

Simple question: Why is her past important?

There's really no point in discussing past relationships because some people prefer to leave it all behind, some people don't find it productive or relevant.

Suppose person A was in a relationship with person B. And Person B had cheated in the past before he or she met person A.

Odds are, person B is not going to tell the truth about cheating. So what would be the point of confronting a person and asking, "Have you ever cheated on someone?"

And if for some reason person B decided to be honest, then person A is always going to be haunted by that fact.

This is true, but also it’s sometimes better to find out from that person “hey I cheated it sucked and I hated it and would never do it again because it was a mistake” rather then hear about it from someone else or have it slip and feel lied to. Not saying my girl has cheated by any means not have I.

November 1, 2018

This is true, but also it’s sometimes better to find out from that person “hey I cheated it sucked and I hated it and would never do it again because it was a mistake” rather then hear about it from someone else or have it slip and feel lied to. Not saying my girl has cheated by any means not have I.

Did she cheat in her previous relationships? There must be something driving you to require every details of her past.

And one other thing, we're just human so we forget. I can tell you the full story of me & my ex-h and in 6 months another detail will come up, and in 2 years another detail will come up. That's normal! We're not recording machines.

November 1, 2018

Did she cheat in her previous relationships? There must be something driving you to require every details of her past.

And one other thing, we're just human so we forget. I can tell you the full story of me & my ex-h and in 6 months another detail will come up, and in 2 years another detail will come up. That's normal! We're not recording machines.

No she hasn’t, and I’m also not asking for EVERY detail haha.

November 1, 2018

We are definitely close enough for this to not ruin the relationship. Unless it’s found she has more tendencies to lie which I haven’t seen or been suspicious of.

I certainly don’t want that cycle, that’s not healthy or fair to me or her. Thank you for the advise.

So does that mean you are dropping it? I do hope you have a conversation where you can find common ground and agree to a clean sheet on this, and not sweep this under the carpet or wait for her to trip up.

November 1, 2018

There must be something driving you to require every details of her past.

The "driver" is his inexperience.

He has slept with two women, his ex wife and this girl here.

She lied I guess as she knows of his low tally and thought better to minimise her own experiences, only he pushed and pushed until she gave in, and now he is upset as she is not "whiter than snow" AND she lied too...

Men who "want to know" do not really want to know, they want to be reassured that they have landed this rare beauty that has not "given away" sex to every Tom, Dick and Harry...

Once she reveals that other men - lesser men, greater men - have already "sampled the goods", then they can't usually cope with the news, even if they thought they could or even if they suspected anyway.

They set themselves up to fail as whatever the sexual story revealed, it is never right... or good enough...

November 1, 2018

The "driver" is his inexperience.
He has slept with two women, his ex wife and this girl here.
She lied I guess as she knows of his low tally and thought better to minimise her own experiences, only he pushed and pushed until she gave in, and now he is upset as she is not "whiter than snow" AND she lied too...

Men who "want to know" do not really want to know, they want to be reassured that they have landed this rare beauty that has not "given away" sex to every Tom, Dick and Harry...
Once she reveals that other men - lesser men, greater men - have already "sampled the goods", then they can't usually cope with the news, even if they thought they could or even if they suspected anyway.
They set themselves up to fail as whatever the sexual story revealed, it is never right... or good enough...

In a typical scenario you would be right, but it’s not. I have no issue about sexual partners. The fact that I want to know comes from disclosure rather then guilt seeking intentions or me not being able to handle it. I’m very confident in my ability to please a women and have no issue of “size” or “not lasting long”. I pride myself in my abilities haha. Not to please myself but to please my partner.

So as I said it’s more of a disclosure rather then an issue. She is ashamed of her past (I’ve advised her not to be) and I understand that. The only time I pushed was when being lied to. And in any situation where you are lied to I feel it is warranted to push more and get a bit upset over that fact.

I’m not saying she didn’t have good intention because she did. I’m merely saying that the dishonesty is still a bit hurtful so coming here to talk is better then having it ruin a perfectly good relationship right? Thank ou.

November 1, 2018

The "driver" is his inexperience.
He has slept with two women, his ex wife and this girl here.
She lied I guess as she knows of his low tally and thought better to minimise her own experiences, only he pushed and pushed until she gave in, and now he is upset as she is not "whiter than snow" AND she lied too...

Men who "want to know" do not really want to know, they want to be reassured that they have landed this rare beauty that has not "given away" sex to every Tom, Dick and Harry...
Once she reveals that other men - lesser men, greater men - have already "sampled the goods", then they can't usually cope with the news, even if they thought they could or even if they suspected anyway.
They set themselves up to fail as whatever the sexual story revealed, it is never right... or good enough...

Also quantity doesn’t equal experience. Most men who only have one night stands are awful in bed. (Not speaking from experience but that’s exactly what everyone knows)

November 1, 2018

So does that mean you are dropping it? I do hope you have a conversation where you can find common ground and agree to a clean sheet on this, and not sweep this under the carpet or wait for her to trip up.

Yes it is being dropped. There have been mutual conversations and she says she is telling the truth now. It’s a bit hard to believe her in that but I have trust in her. I’m not trying type, and I don’t appreciate the comments, who will say “she lied leave her” in every situation. Relationships are works in progress for the rest of your life. Especially good ones you want to keep.

November 1, 2018

I have no issue about sexual partners.

You do realize so far no one in this thread buys this eh? if you had no issue with sexual partner you wouldn't ask questions about it, period. No, curiosity is not a valid explanation. I don't know any grounded man that wants to know who their gf has slept with, those I know that do want to know suffers from retroactive jealousy and have control issues.

If you want a relationship with this woman, if she means so much to you then drop the subject and move on from this issue. You knew she was embarrassed about her sexual past and you STILL insisted on getting the details.....how sensitive of you!

November 1, 2018

Yes it is being dropped. There have been mutual conversations and she says she is telling the truth now. It’s a bit hard to believe her in that but I have trust in her. I’m not trying type, and I don’t appreciate the comments, who will say “she lied leave her” in every situation. Relationships are works in progress for the rest of your life. Especially good ones you want to keep.

That's fair enough. She lied, you pushed. It's not all on her in the same way it's not all on you. Maybe you have made it too clear you have super high expectations she was worried she wasn't going to match, maybe you pressed for intimate details too soon.

Either way, if you are both committed for it to work, you might want to cut each other some slack now - we all have some insecurities after all .

Good luck!

November 1, 2018

OP: Do you know what a white lie is? You’re acting like she hid the fact that she had a baby with a man from you. I absolutely don’t believe you have never told a white lie in your life.

November 1, 2018

That's fair enough. She lied, you pushed. It's not all on her in the same way it's not all on you. Maybe you have made it too clear you have super high expectations she was worried she wasn't going to match, maybe you pressed for intimate details too soon.

Either way, if you are both committed for it to work, you might want to cut each other some slack now - we all have some insecurities after all .

Good luck!

All of the responses have definitely helped with anything that’s been going on. Thank you for your help rather then storing the pot like others have. It opens my eyes to what she was thinking rather then what I was. I may have asked too soon. To be fair she brought up the topic in numerous occasions as well. But your right.

November 1, 2018

OP: Do you know what a white lie is? You’re acting like she hid the fact that she had a baby with a man from you. I absolutely don’t believe you have never told a white lie in your life.

Never heard of that. What a crazy concept.

November 1, 2018

Everyone has a past. Personal choice if someone does not want to share every detail of their sexual past. Can you live with that?

You may have inadvertently put her on a bit of a pedestal.

I'm not faulting you if you did put her on a pedestal; not at all. That just happens. *shrug* and it tends to happen a lot when people first fall in love.

November 1, 2018

Everyone has a past. Personal choice if someone does not want to share every detail of their sexual past. Can you live with that?

You may have inadvertently put her on a bit of a pedestal.

I'm not faulting you if you did put her on a pedestal; not at all. That just happens. *shrug* and it tends to happen a lot when people first fall in love.

You may be right on that. If I did it wasn’t intentional. As I told her and feel 100%, I think nothing different of her whatsoever.

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Getting past a lie

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