Getting past a lie

October 31, 2018

I will not bore you with a normal “she lied about her past post”.

Dating for 6 months and I was curious about her past and had a few concerns but otherwise not a big deal. I knew she was lying about some things because I’m good at reading body language. Found out she straight up lied about sleeping with a guy (who she is no longer talking to and doesn’t want to). And another she lied about (same circumstance).

I have no issue with her past. She’s the second I’ve been with but she’s had a lot more sexual partners. I was married and so I didn’t sleep around and most of hers were attempts at relationships.

So no issue with her past, but it’s bothering me that she could comfortably and continuously lie to me. I have no inclination she is cheating or lying about anything else, and am not willing to end the relationship or ruin it. I’ve had my faults with not being as truthful as I should have been, so I know I’m in the same boat to an extent.

What is your best advise on how to gain trust for her, and to help us both have trust again?

Also my favorite quote from here is “if your not able to get over her past then I’m sure she can find a more confident man” hahaha.

Thank you in advance for all your responses.

October 31, 2018

Tell her to stop lying.

October 31, 2018

My advice to you is to break up and to work on becoming the man 'you think' you are........because you're not there yet.

If her past didn't bother you then why snoop? If her past REALLY didn't matter you would not even think! of snooping around.

Her lies: So she lied about sleeping with some dude before you, so what? You think I really tell the truth when I am ask how many men I slept with? I know men cannot deal with past sexual partners so I don't tell them anything! and frankly it's none of their business just like it's not your business how many partners and who she slept with in HER past.

October 31, 2018

My advice to you is to break up and to work on becoming the man 'you think' you are........because you're not there yet.

If her past didn't bother you then why snoop? If her past REALLY didn't matter you would not even think! of snooping around.

Her lies: So she lied about sleeping with some dude before you, so what? You think I really tell the truth when I am ask how many men I slept with? I know men cannot deal with past sexual partners so I don't tell them anything! and frankly it's none of their business just like it's not your business how many partners and who she slept with in HER past.

That is good advise and thank you for responding. I know I am not the greatest guy out there. And there are many posts like this, but my issue isn’t with her past. It’s really not. Just because I want to know doesn’t mean it’s an issue. It feels like it becomes an issue when someone rant honest. That’s the part I was concerned about.

Any advise on that?

October 31, 2018

That is good advise and thank you for responding. I know I am not the greatest guy out there. And there are many posts like this, but my issue isn’t with her past. It’s really not. Just because I want to know doesn’t mean it’s an issue. It feels like it becomes an issue when someone rant honest. That’s the part I was concerned about.

Any advise on that?

You are lying to yourself and you contradict yourself in each of your post. You cannot not care and at the same time you want to know. You cannot 'not care' and at the same time snoop around because of curiosity. All this is contradicting.

You want this woman to be honest with you but about you start being honest with yourself?

It's not an issue, you make it one. Why did you even ask if you don't care?

If a man asked me if I slept with so and so I am not gonna believe him when he says 'he doesn't care about my past'. I will think it's not his business and if I answer the truth he'll make it an issue so better say no and get rid of the topic. In my book this woman did nothing wrong.

.

October 31, 2018

You are lying to yourself and you contradict yourself in each of your post. You cannot not care and at the same time you want to know. You cannot 'not care' and at the same time snoop around because of curiosity. All this is contradicting.

You want this woman to be honest with you but about you start being honest with yourself?

It's not an issue, you make it one. Why did you even ask if you don't care?

If a man asked me if I slept with so and so I am not gonna believe him when he says 'he doesn't care about my past'. I will think it's not his business and if I answer the truth he'll make it an issue so better say no and get rid of the topic. In my book this woman did nothing wrong.

.

I think you are partly right about my “concern” of the topic, but also I don’t want to be lied to. I think curiosity and caring about it are different things. But thank you for the advise.

It’s definitely a phase that will pass and like I said I don’t think she is lying anymore. It was just the original dishonestly that was concerning.

October 31, 2018

I think you are partly right about my “concern” of the topic, but also I don’t want to be lied to. I think curiosity and caring about it are different things. But thank you for the advise.

It’s definitely a phase that will pass and like I said I don’t think she is lying anymore. It was just the original dishonestly that was concerning.

About your dishonesty? Claiming it's not important (when it's not 100% true) then snooping and judging? I would see this has big dishonesty, I'd see this as you lying to me to make me confine in you and then hit me in the face with it.

October 31, 2018

About your dishonesty? Claiming it's not important (when it's not 100% true) then snooping and judging? I would see this has big dishonesty, I'd see this as you lying to me to make me confine in you and then hit me in the face with it.

I think your confused. I have no judgement whatsoever. I think snooping and honest conversation are very different as well. And I feel if honest conversation can’t be had in a relationship then there ARE issues. So as I already said, issues about dishonesty and issues about “her past” are way different.

October 31, 2018

I will not bore you with a normal “she lied about her past post”.

Dating for 6 months and I was curious about her past and had a few concerns but otherwise not a big deal. I knew she was lying about some things because I’m good at reading body language. Found out she straight up lied about sleeping with a guy (who she is no longer talking to and doesn’t want to). And another she lied about (same circumstance).

I have no issue with her past. She’s the second I’ve been with but she’s had a lot more sexual partners. I was married and so I didn’t sleep around and most of hers were attempts at relationships.

So no issue with her past, but it’s bothering me that she could comfortably and continuously lie to me. I have no inclination she is cheating or lying about anything else, and am not willing to end the relationship or ruin it. I’ve had my faults with not being as truthful as I should have been, so I know I’m in the same boat to an extent.

What is your best advise on how to gain trust for her, and to help us both have trust again?

Also my favorite quote from here is “if your not able to get over her past then I’m sure she can find a more confident man” hahaha.

Thank you in advance for all your responses.

Body language reading, hmmmm.

Did she lie when actually confronted with 'have you ever slept with X?', or did she just fail to provide a list of past partners? With or without prompting.

Her past doesn't bother you, but you're 'curious' and 'had concerns'. Unless her lies are outrageous or borderline criminal, she's probably trying to keep the past where it belongs. In the past.

What were your concerns, and how did you voice them?

October 31, 2018

Body language reading, hmmmm.

Did she lie when actually confronted with 'have you ever slept with X?', or did she just fail to provide a list of past partners? With or without prompting.

Her past doesn't bother you, but you're 'curious' and 'had concerns'. Unless her lies are outrageous or borderline criminal, she's probably trying to keep the past where it belongs. In the past.

What were your concerns, and how did you voice them?

She got a text from a number and turned out it was someone she had been on a couple dates with. I asked if they had anything other then a few dates and she said no. She was showing me pictures on her phone and i saw a screenshot of a picture of her from his snapchat so that raised a few questions on about her honesty. I kept asking because it bothered me that her body language and demeanor seemed to be deceptive (ful disclosure im a cop and read that very well) and she said ahe did sleep with him. It wouldnt have been a big deal had we not already had the “whats each others sexual past” conversation.

Then another guy she said was friends from back in the day. Same conversation of were you guys just friends or more? And she said no more.

She then told me she had slept with them both when she had already said she had not done anything with tem at all.

Those were the situations i was talking about.

October 31, 2018

She should not have lied. Lying is a problem. But here's my issue: why were you asking about specifics? You said she lied about sleeping with 2 particular people. However you came to learn that she had sex with them if they are no longer in her life, what difference does it make? Do you know them? Are you freaked out by them getting there 1st sort of thing? There was no good way out for her here. She made the choice that spared your feelings hoping you would not learn the truth.

You answered that while I was posting this . . .through the texts. If you had just assumed yes she slept with them & been happy when she replied thanks but no thanks now, you could have saved yourself this agony.

I am not defending lying but I am trying to show you how it happened.

My mom used to ask me nosy, intrusive Qs about my sex life. Not wanting to lie to her I'd say something like, Mom I can't believe you asked me that but here's the thing I can lie to you about it & upset you; I can tell you the truth & upset you or you could just withdraw the Q. Then I'd walk away without ever answering her. Eventually she stopped asking me -- her adult daughter -- questions that were never her business.

October 31, 2018

She got a text from a number and turned out it was someone she had been on a couple dates with. I asked if they had anything other then a few dates and she said no. She was showing me pictures on her phone and i saw a screenshot of a picture of her from his snapchat so that raised a few questions on about her honesty. I kept asking because it bothered me that her body language and demeanor seemed to be deceptive (ful disclosure im a cop and read that very well) and she said ahe did sleep with him. It wouldnt have been a big deal had we not already had the “whats each others sexual past” conversation.

Then another guy she said was friends from back in the day. Same conversation of were you guys just friends or more? And she said no more.

She then told me she had slept with them both when she had already said she had not done anything with tem at all.

Those were the situations i was talking about.

She lied, but I'll tell you why she did.

She knew that you'd judge, and have MORE questions, which you did. It should have been enough for her to say 'it's some guy I used to date'. At that point, you can assume she slept with him. No more questions.

Altho I'm confused about the 'sexual past' conversation. Did it include names, number of times (in total or with each) - how much detail? How does this new information conflict with what's already been revealed?

October 31, 2018

Ultimately, this is a conversation you need to have with her; not in a confrontational way, but in an assertive way. Assertive starts out by saying things starting with an "I" format. I feel this because......; I need this because....Rather than starting out by saying things like, "Why did you lie to me about this?" That would just get her defenses up even more. And yes, it sounds like her defenses went up and that's why she lied.

People lie for certain reasons....often because they are afraid to tell the truth or the FULL truth. We've all lied. Either blatantly lied or told white lies. Everyone lies from time to time. "Yes, I love that new outfit." (liar). "No I didn't forget your birthday, I just got really busy". (liar)

You do have some good points, OP. For some reason people do have things they might be ashamed of from their past and so they don't want everyone to know about their past and so they don't bring it up and if asked about it, they might lie.

I think she must sense from you that you expect fidelity in a relationship....therefore is afraid to tell you how many men she has ACTUALLY slept with for fear you will think less of her and/or become suspicious that she could not be a faithful partner to you.

October 31, 2018

She got a text from a number and turned out it was someone she had been on a couple dates with. I asked if they had anything other then a few dates and she said no. She was showing me pictures on her phone and i saw a screenshot of a picture of her from his snapchat so that raised a few questions on about her honesty. I kept asking because it bothered me that her body language and demeanor seemed to be deceptive (ful disclosure im a cop and read that very well) and she said ahe did sleep with him. It wouldnt have been a big deal had we not already had the “whats each others sexual past” conversation.

Then another guy she said was friends from back in the day. Same conversation of were you guys just friends or more? And she said no more.

She then told me she had slept with them both when she had already said she had not done anything with tem at all.

Those were the situations i was talking about.

You really come across as a controlling man. Why do you check who text her? Why do you ask if they had anything together? and you kept asking and asking - can you speak control freak?? did she give you a list of the men she slept with? have you ask mugshots as well of those men? When a man text her do you ask his name and check that list of men she had to give you?

This is mind-blowing.

October 31, 2018

I’ve had my faults with not being as truthful as I should have been, so I know I’m in the same boat to an extent..

What is this^^^ all about?

October 31, 2018

You're the kind of man who needs full disclosure from a woman about her sexual past, obviously. Not saying that's good or bad. It's just something you need. Some people don't need that. Everyone's different. I don't know what broke up your first marriage. Maybe you were cheated on and expect to be cheated on again and so want to make sure she isn't the type to sleep around. I don't know, I'm just throwing that out.

If you need full and honest historical disclosure in a relationship, come to terms with that need and realize you may not be able to get past this issue with her. Are you prepared for that?

October 31, 2018

You really come across as a controlling man. Why do you check who text her? Why do you ask if they had anything together? and you kept asking and asking - can you speak control freak?? did she give you a list of the men she slept with? have you ask mugshots as well of those men? When a man text her do you ask his name and check that list of men she had to give you?

This is mind-blowing.

This is how it starts. Next he'll be checking browsing histories. She'll learn that she needs to clear histories, and turn off notifications on all devices, so they don't pop up on the screen. She can check for them later in private.

Ah, then there's social media. She'll have to explain everyone she friends. She'll go underground with everything.

Ask me how I know.

October 31, 2018

As a cop I thank you for your service to your community. I personally think cops should get paid more than they do.

Here's something for you to think about and maybe this is a challenge as well.

One of my friends was a female cop, but now works for the DEA. She has a degree in Criminal Justice. We went to the same college and that's how I got to know her. I love her to pieces and she has been a wonderful, stable friend to me. But I've told her before something like this. "It seems like you see everyone as a potential criminal." She didn't like that. But after working in the profession for awhile I saw her change. She became sort of cynical, even jaded. And rather than just take people at face value unless proven otherwise, she became suspicious a lot of the time. I literally found it hard to even go out to dinner with her as she might know of some criminals who worked at the restarant. She had a hard time leaving work at work. I've never faulted her for that as I can relate to that. I'm just concerned she will go through life never finding a good partner. She's been through a lot of men who just came up short of her expectations.

October 31, 2018

What is this^^^ all about?

Hats just full disclosure, most people arent able to admit their problems but point out others problems.

October 31, 2018

To be fair: Cops see things in our society...the most bizarre, unimaginable, base things that many of us regular citizens don't even know exist. Cops get the "low-down". My friend has told me about some of the stuff that goes on out there and frankly is makes me seem super naive.....some of it is hard to believe really. People can do some really really strange, bad things.

October 31, 2018

You're the kind of man who needs full disclosure from a woman about her sexual past, obviously. Not saying that's good or bad. It's just something you need. Some people don't need that. Everyone's different. I don't know what broke up your first marriage. Maybe you were cheated on and expect to be cheated on again and so want to make sure she isn't the type to sleep around. I don't know, I'm just throwing that out.

If you need full and honest historical disclosure in a relationship, come to terms with that need and realize you may not be able to get past this issue with her. Are you prepared for that?

My wife had self harming behavior and anger management issues. Yes your right, the need for full disclosure. Im naturally curious and an analytical thinker so it makes some things difficult. But certainly not going let this bull crap ruin pur relationship.

October 31, 2018

This is how it starts. Next he'll be checking browsing histories. She'll learn that she needs to clear histories, and turn off notifications on all devices, so they don't pop up on the screen. She can check for them later in private.

Ah, then there's social media. She'll have to explain everyone she friends. She'll go underground with everything.

Ask me how I know.

This is the behavior im trying to avoid. Its not fair to treat aomeone that way

October 31, 2018

My wife had self harming behavior and anger management issues. Yes your right, the need for full disclosure. Im naturally curious and an analytical thinker so it makes some things difficult. But certainly not going let this bull crap ruin pur relationship.

Ok then, good job coming here to run things by us folks and trying to find the best way to proceed forward from here.

It sounds like you really love your GF and don't want this issue to come between you and certainly don't want it to be a make it or break it issue.

So, can you get past this? I'm guessing she hasn't been married before or you would have said that by now.

Can she get past your ex? You know how people are....their worried that a psycho ex might turn up somewhere unannounced and it does sound like your ex could be a little bit psycho? Correct me if I'm wrong on that. But the thought crossed my mind that if your wife felt free to harm herself, what would stop her from harming others?

Everyone has a past. Every single one of us who's done any living at all has a past. They say that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and maybe that's true....BUT....on the other hand, people do change and people grow up and mature and someone who was perhaps sexual with more than one guy can become monogamous.

Take this to her and have a good non-threatening discussion about it and see what happens. And, remember, she may be good at reading your body language too.

Edited October 31, 2018 by MountainGirl111

October 31, 2018

Ok then, good job coming here to run things by us folks and trying to find the best way to proceed forward from here.

It sounds like you really love your GF and don't want this issue to come between you and certainly don't want it to be a make it or break it issue.

So, can you get past this? I'm guessing she hasn't been married before or you would have said that by now.

Can she get past your ex? You know how people are....their worried that a psycho ex might turn up somewhere unannounced and it does sound like your ex could be a little bit psycho? Correct me if I'm wrong on that. But the thought crossed my mind that if your wife felt free to harm herself, what would stop her from harming others?

Everyone has a past. Every single one of us who's done any living at all has a past. They say that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and maybe that's true....BUT....on the other hand, people do change and people grow up and mature and someone who was perhaps sexual with more than one guy can become monogamous.

Take this to her and have a good non-threatening discussion about it and see what happens. And, remember, she may be good at reading your body language too.

I have kids so its definitely nothing that can go away. She has a kid also. We all love each others kids very well and have a great relationship. We live together. The ex is a little crazy. Has more of a victim mentality then anything. I guess the treatment i got from her may be coming into the new relationship a bit. Plus theres stress about the divorce thats stressful.

October 31, 2018

You've been dating 6 months and live together with kids involved and all ! Here you are snooping on her and keeping track of men she's been with. That doesn't sound good, for all involved.

Sign In

Getting past a lie

Recommended Posts

Cojack123

smackie9

Gaeta

Cojack123

Gaeta

Cojack123

Gaeta

Cojack123

MidwestUSA

Cojack123

d0nnivain

MidwestUSA

MountainGirl111

Gaeta

elaine567

MountainGirl111

MidwestUSA

MountainGirl111

Cojack123

MountainGirl111

Cojack123

Cojack123

MountainGirl111

Cojack123

Gaeta

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...