SweetCharity Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) I've made several posts on here recently but underneath it all my ex has been in the shadows. Long story short we dated for two years and now I want to get out completely. Ok fine we got married. All the while he was controlling and manipulative. I couldn't go out somewhere by myself without it being a problem. But he wouldn't go out with me because he didn't want to. I couldn't wear certain clothes, even makeup without it being a problem. At times I was accused of cheating. One time I gave my baby sister's teenage friend some water and my ex looked at me with disgust and asked me why I don't just [insert lewd act] to him. I was shocked. I was being nice to my kid sister's kid friend. Nothing more! But I digress. It was text book abusive but I just couldn't get myself to leave until he broke up with me in April. Yet we still lived together and he acted the same. Only now he started going out until 5 am in the morning. And he's only told me he loved me once. Finally my family had enough and through a mini intervention moved me out of his house. I was devastated but he still refused to make things work. So I tried to move on. I dated stage 5 clinger guy and now all of a sudden my ex wanted me back. Now we're in a weird place. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to make things work unless we go to therapy together. That still hasn't happened. I still come over occasionally to see our pups and hang out but I don't sleep with him. It's like that part of myself died. Yet he still keeps trying. Now he's starting to act controlling again. He got mad at me for going to dinner with my friend last night after an NA meeting. I never made plans with him yesterday but he's accusing me of putting my friends over him. I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to end it. It's like he still has a hold over me even though it's not as bad as it was. And a part of me does care about him but I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. And yes, he has shown he could get violent. He never hit me but he did break a chair in front of me in purpose. Thoughts? Edited October 31, 2018 by SweetCharity
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 If you have your own family putting you through an intervention...because you really needed it....That should tell you who you should be going to because you fell off the wagon again. Go talk to your family to get straightened out. And get yourself to a psychiatrist. You have battered wife syndrome...you refuse to stay away from your abuser....like you just can't help yourself. Sorry but we can't do anymore for you here. 2
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Change your phone number and change your locks. Enough is enough. You're wasting the best years of your life on an abuser. You don't need another man, you don't need to date, you need to be by yourself and work on becoming an emotionally independent woman so when you're ready to date in a year or 2 you can make better choices. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 If you have your own family putting you through an intervention...because you really needed it....That should tell you who you should be going to because you fell off the wagon again. Go talk to your family to get straightened out. And get yourself to a psychiatrist. You have battered wife syndrome...you refuse to stay away from your abuser....like you just can't help yourself. Sorry but we can't do anymore for you here. I'm actually going to meet with my therapist today and see what he suggests. 2
kendahke Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Thoughts? You need to just leave him alone and develop a lot more self discipline. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 You need to just leave him alone and develop a lot more self discipline. It's really not that simple. I left him alone for two weeks straight and he blew up my phone.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 this isn't love. It's some kind of obsession & it's a problem. You two need to be apart. Your whole family sees this. Listen to them. Do not trust yourself. You are not thinking straight. Disconnect from your EX on all platforms. Get a lawyer & start the divorce process. 2
MidwestUSA Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 It's really not that simple. I left him alone for two weeks straight and he blew up my phone. Block him. And STOP going over to his place! Of course he believes you still want something to do with him, you keep hanging out with him. He will eventually hit you, you can count on that. Then you'll feel like you want him to get some help. And the cycle continues. Stop. 4
kendahke Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) It's really not that simple. I left him alone for two weeks straight and he blew up my phone. Actually, it is that simple. You just don't want to do it. Be honest about it. Every phone has the means to block and to silence each contact's ring. This feature has been on cell phones since easily 2010. Privacy Star and Mr. Number are also great apps to have to block nuisance calls. If you were really serious about getting him out of your life, you'd have gone on Google Play or the App Store and did a search on apps that blocked numbers. You didn't. Besides, just because he's blowing up your phone doesn't mean he's owed attention. People do that which they want to do and they dont' do what they don't want to do. Being honest with yourself about which category you are in goes a long way to clearing up messiness and confusion. Edited October 31, 2018 by kendahke 4
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 It's really not that simple. I left him alone for two weeks straight and he blew up my phone. You're not doing enough to help yourself if you're not blocking him, OP. 2
Kelliousme Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 IT IS possible. Move, block him, if he does something put a restriction order on him. Come on. It is possible. It's YOUR life. Do you really want to waste your life feeling the way you do? Do you really want to waste anymore effort and time on this man who just keeps verbally abusing you and manipulating you? What are you thinking?? He's able to do all this to you because you allow him to. Stop going to his house, cut him out, forget the pups. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted November 1, 2018 Author Posted November 1, 2018 I know how to block someone. I was kind of hoping for advice on how to unbrainwash myself. It's like being trapped in my own body. I can look out and see the problem but for some reason I'm paralyzed and can't get out. I see him and rationalize everything. Maybe I'm making things bigger than they are? I'm aware of how to get out and luckily have a support system. I was just hoping for advice on how to detangle mentally.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Couples counseling is not the answer for you guys. The answer is counseling, serious therapy, for YOU! You've got to figure out why you are attracted to an abusive person. There is some reason for that in your past ... and then get experience feeling attracted to other kinds of guys ... You will know you have arrived at a better place when just the idea of trying again with abusive husband makes you nauseous. That's when you will know you're in a good place. But if you go to couples counseling right now, most likely he'll intimidate in that as well ... he'll manipulate you to withhold in front of the counselor. You'll be feeling guilty and thrown off ... won't work. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 I know how to block someone. I was kind of hoping for advice on how to unbrainwash myself. It's like being trapped in my own body. I can look out and see the problem but for some reason I'm paralyzed and can't get out. I see him and rationalize everything. Maybe I'm making things bigger than they are? I'm aware of how to get out and luckily have a support system. I was just hoping for advice on how to detangle mentally. That's what you are not understanding, though. By continuing to give him access to you by not blocking him, you can't detangle mentally. The reason we are giving you this advice is because what you want is unrealistic. You seem to want to be able to stay in contact with him and see him, and at the same time, "unbrainwash" yourself. It doesn't work that way. You can't truly get out of this and feel better until you cut all ties with him. I would strongly encourage you to seek individual counseling. Forget couple's counselling. This is a relationship that needs to stay broken up. But you need to work on you so that you learn the tools you need to stay away from abusers in the future. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted November 1, 2018 Author Posted November 1, 2018 That's what you are not understanding, though. By continuing to give him access to you by not blocking him, you can't detangle mentally. The reason we are giving you this advice is because what you want is unrealistic. You seem to want to be able to stay in contact with him and see him, and at the same time, "unbrainwash" yourself. It doesn't work that way. You can't truly get out of this and feel better until you cut all ties with him. I would strongly encourage you to seek individual counseling. Forget couple's counselling. This is a relationship that needs to stay broken up. But you need to work on you so that you learn the tools you need to stay away from abusers in the future. I am going to therapy and trying to work through it. My therapist is trying to help me the best he can but there's only so much he can do. Therapy has gotten complicated. I want to take the step to block my husband but I don't know how.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 Sounds like you might need a different therapist. Perhaps also a woman therapist.
BaileyB Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 My therapist is trying to help me the best he can but there's only so much he can do. Therapy has gotten complicated. Therapy is not really all that complicated. Life is really just a series of decisions. Your choices - stay with a violent, abusive man who puts your life at risk. Or, find some support and make the decision that you need to leave for your own wellbeing and safety. It's actually very simple. You are blessed to have family and friends that care enough about you to try to help you leave a very bad, very unsafe situation. It's really too bad that their efforts were for nothing, because you are really not ready to leave him yet. What is it, exactly, that keeps you with this guy? What causes you to stay?
Author SweetCharity Posted November 3, 2018 Author Posted November 3, 2018 What is it, exactly, that keeps you with this guy? What causes you to stay? I don't know.
Recommended Posts