Does my date have possible borderline tendencies?

[bathtub-row]

Her behavior strikes me to be that of someone who was sexually abused as a child. They typically use sex as a means of acceptance and have very poor boundaries. Either that, or she’s a psycho.

[brigit87]

MidWestUSA - you read that correct. I told her that she had turned me on, because she did. I whispered good nothings in her ear. She then said "let me show you what I would do to you"....grabbed my fingers and deep throated it in the bar. Then licked my ear. You may read this and think 'horse ****'. I love passion. But the fact that she has no subtlety and gave no damn about who was around or who was watching it, was where it made me think she would go further than that without any shame.

 

And no, I wouldn't let her hand me a condom. I have my own ones and even then I'm having doubts as that statement from her would put fear in a lot of people as it did me.

 

Maybe she was drunk or didn't care what you thought of her. How old is she?

[Butlerist]

That would be seriously heartbreaking if she was abused as a child.

 

Brigit87 - she wasn't drunk when she came to sit down next to me. She is 37. She only started to have her drink around 20mins into our meeting. I'm not kidding when I say within 2mins of meeting me, she had read me and masterfully put her lips on mine in a playful manner as if to say 'so nice to meet you'. I won't deny that I was aroused. But the intensity of it. Like when I said 'don't you like people watching?', she said 'i haven't noticed anything or anyone here, just you'. Highly intense. It may sound like I am bragging, but I genuinely felt like it was a lot. But because someone whom I know and trust, endorsed her, it did impair my judgement slightly until I listened to things she said. It's almost always about her, but in a subtle way. So she goes to the gym at 10.30pm because it's quieter (cool so far), and to not get stares from men all of the time as she hates it when they keep looking at her. Then three days later, I was on a call to her and "a man on the train kept staring at me and making me feel uncomfortable so i stared back at him and frowned". Fast forward another call whilst she was running to the gym "you wouldn't believe what just happened to me! A car pulled up next to me and two men tried to get out from the back and grab me. I'm shaking at the knees, i'm so scared".

 

Again, I don't want to say this stuff isn't true as I am not present. But it makes me think....bad news...bad news...bad news!

Edited November 3, 2018 by Butlerist

[bathtub-row]

She’s bad news. Pointing at others in public, putting your fingers down her throat in public and with someone she doesn’t know at all, zero awareness of social norms in general, being sexually aggressive within seconds of seeing you, etc. Despite being endorsed by friends who are either obtuse or have a twisted sense of humor, her behavior is WAY off. It doesn’t matter why she’s like that or what your friends think of her, if someone acted this way on a first date with me, or any date, they’d never see me again. I have no idea why you’re still even conversing with her.

[Butlerist]

Why? Probably because of two reasons: 1. I have been withdrawing myself slowy (i cancelled any other meet up) as I slept with her and felt heartless to drop her like that, 2. Regardless of the stuff she told me, because they were not a personal attack, abuse or damage it was harder. Call it a weakness and the ridiculous feeling of being empathetic to a point where it is damaging to me and not drawing a clear boundary of what is unacceptable right away.

 

I spoke to 4 people, all of whom know her in some sort of way. All say 'she is such a sweetheart'. This is because none of them see her in an intimate setting. She won't tell them the stuff she told me. They see her at dinners and gatherings so it always remains at a superficial level. Nevertheless, they are lacking social awareness to some degree.

 

And I am dumb founded by this. I trust my own instincts here. She has a kid and most of the time, her mother takes care of him from I hsve found out and can even see.

Edited November 3, 2018 by Butlerist

[guest569]

Can I get an idea of the time scale? How long have you been dating? Roughly how many dates?

[Butlerist]

All of this in one date. The rest of the things mentioned has been through calls within 16 days. So from the very next day we slept together, she started with the "baby, these kisses are for you my man. Just...for you" etc. Then came the revelations of al the things she told me.

[Lotsgoingon]

Run, brother. Run ... head for the hills.

 

But if you decide to stay ... at least take notes ... you'll have a great story later ... might be a trauma story or a horror story, but it'll be a good one.

 

If you decide to stay, don't quit your job or lose your health insurance ... you're gonna want money and resources to go for recovery counseling later.

[Butlerist]

Haha, thank you sir. No,, I am having a conversation tonight or tomorrow about it as I lost sleep last night over it. I can't function as i am over analysing (to protect myself) but i will cut away. Not worth it the dangers it poses.

[carhill]

Usually borderlines have a hard time with maintaining healthy relationships. Friends aren't friends for long, if at all. In this case the lady was vetted by mutual friends, apparently one who'd been a friend of the woman since young.

 

My quick scan of the behaviors has me opining, if a disease, indicative of the mania portion of a BP disease. If she switches over short periods, more indicative of BP1, longer periods, BP2. Her friends would pick up on the depressive portions if they've known her awhile.

 

Apparently others picked up on your commonality of experiencing, and perhaps being attracted to, these personality types. If that is the case, and no healthy relationships result, I'd examine that. However, at my age, not being interested in being married again, they are fun to enjoy short-term. Quite a ride. Just don't get attached. I know I have a caretaker personality so such women will always be attractive to me on some level. The rest is a choice.

[brigit87]

All of this in one date. The rest of the things mentioned has been through calls within 16 days. So from the very next day we slept together, she started with the "baby, these kisses are for you my man. Just...for you" etc. Then came the revelations of al the things she told me.

 

So all of her insanity didn't stop you from sleeping with her?

 

LOL

 

Her seduction techniques seem on the fast and sleazy side but apparently you've been enjoying yourself. Don't sleep with her again.

[Butlerist]

Carhill, if this woman was someone I had chased whilst knowing she has these issues, then I'd absolutely agree. This woman was endorsed. So when I was given her number, it took me over 2 weeks to get in touch as I was constantly wondering whether getting involved with a single mother would be a good idea and if I was ready for that responsibility when the time came. But I decided to be open minded about it. I had just one ex-gf narc and I had no clue about narcissism and the masked behaviours. I encountered a woman later, whom I met online but again I didn't permit it to go on for more than 6-7 weeks after realising the self-fulfilling prophecies and victimisation and grandiose sense of self. Had I permitted myself to be in full on long-term relationships with these types of women, I would be questioning myself. But my weakness is that I listen and do it well and have too much patience. That may well attract some of the bad bunch as they can see I have the patience to sit and listen, instead of telling them to beat it from the get go. But, my intuitions are decent and I've educated myself with human behaviour to at least not ever allow them to get involved with me in relationships. I won't be able to enjoy the ride with this woman as I want a long term relationship and I feel as though the more I am in touch with her, the more my stomach twist and turns and I lose my peace.

 

Brigit87 - I won't lie that I was turned on when we kissed. The larger part of my brain that sits below my waist did some of the thinking. What started to sway my thoughts was the behaviour at the bar. But I decided to let that go. The issues began to snowball in my head from the moment she started to question the lack of protection but again that was in the middle of it all, so I didn't just suddenly stop it and say 'right, can't do this'. The worries began to pick up quite quickly after when she was sitting next to me and revealing her relationship past and making me feel like I was something special, so quickly. It just didn't feel right. But because she would leave me nice messages, I found it hard to drop/cut her. After 2 weeks, I felt it's time to have a conversation, but she's got her friend at hers now watching a movie so I'll speak tomorrow and bring it to a close.

 

A member of my family is a retired psychiatrist who was in the car when I was contemplating calling this woman. She told me to go for it. After I had the date, I saw her at a gathering and after revealing a bit, she just said 'I believe this woman may have an agenda or a plan. You need to cut all ties with her or I can promise you there will be some serious consequences'.

 

Have you guys dealt with partners or people who had an agenda such as drawing you close to them in this way and then devaluing you down the line or 'trapping' you and being manipulative later after sweetening you up prior?

Edited November 4, 2018 by Butlerist

[Butlerist]

Correction - I meant 'use of protection' not 'lack of'.

[carhill]

 

Have you guys dealt with partners or people who had an agenda such as drawing you close to them in this way and then devaluing you down the line or 'trapping' you and being manipulative later after sweetening you up prior?

 

Sure, classic manipulator/mentally diseased behavior. Happened many times. Going with the topic flow here, women are masters of the game. Sure, most deal on the level with someone they want to be with and love them but all have the skills to damage and destroy.

 

The problem, in general, is there are billions of us and we'll generally only know a microscopic portion of them for any length of time to suss out unhealthy behaviors/psychology. Those good at the game of course know that so they can suck people in, use them, discard them and select more from the billions who don't know their MO. I used to call them hoovers, like the vacuum cleaner. They suck the life out of people.

 

For some it's purposeful; they're simply evil people. For others, they're mentally diseased or defective. Their brain/psychology is messed up but sufficiently high functioning to not be a danger to self or others legally. Others may be transiting through a difficult period of life and have lost their usual boundaries and health.

 

The more experience you gain, and the more mistakes you make, the more likely you'll learn to both suss out the signs early and make moves decisively. Sounds like you're well onto that path now but the length and breadth of the discussion indicates some things aren't yet clear enough to be quickly and easily processed and a decision made.

 

When you run into an attractive woman who seems to be into you yeah I know it's hard to resist. Intoxicating sometimes. That's OK. Don't deny yourself some pleasure but keep eyes open and don't attach without substantial time and interaction.

[guest569]

I think your judgement is fine. You just have trouble listening to it. Hence going ahead and having sex with a woman who shoved your fingers down her throat in a public bar. Hence writing lengthy essays about a woman you met once, realised she was nuts, and still thinking about pursuing because she's "hot".

 

One date!

 

I suggest in future, just have a quick coffee date maybe a quick bite to eat. 2 or 3 hrs, get to know her as a person (not in bed), and step back, take some time, live other parts of your life.. Then maybe schedule a second date. Take your time, keep your head on and your pants on.

[bathtub-row]

Good luck shedding yourself of this one. Hide all your bunnies!

[Butlerist]

The lengthy essays is because I know the answer, but haven't trusted my own judgement with conviction. Learned from my my mother who raised me to always consider other people's feelings, especially if sleeping with them (i.e. don't use someone). Definitely have to take some of my father's psychology to balance this out;).

 

Since I withdrew on the weekend she hasn't pursued at all. Neither of us had time on the weekend, but I'm talking tonight to her to mention I won't be resuming....whilst hiding all the bunnies;).

 

Appreciate all of your feedback here.

[Butlerist]

Carhill - you're spot on there. I mean, thankfully I'm still on the carpet floor and not been vacuumed up;). It's sometimes hard to accept that fact, that someone has actually got that ability. I've seen plenty of it, but it's difficult for me to digest that someone would relish in someone else's demise. Never understood it. It's like I wish this person would confess their mission to someone and say 'i wanted to use him for attention, sex, supply and just watch him squeal later', just so I can hear what their absolute intention is. But the more I educate myself, the more there is written that most of the time they are not doing it out of malice.

 

 

This was definitely an experience, albeit just one date, it had been a fortnight of messages and few conversations that opened my eyes up to the patterns similar to something I have had previously. The amount of system overload and information that came my way was quite astonishing from just this short period. Just goes to show, they have zero boundaries. Seriously, the person who introduced me to this girl needs ninety slaps in the face with a wet fish "she's a wonderful woman"....idiot.

[bathtub-row]

It’s been said that we can sum up a person within 3 minutes of meeting them. I’m not sure that’s always true but I think it’s extremely true in this case. This girl showed you her real colors right off the bat. Next time, don’t ignore such obvious signs as those.

[elaine567]

It’s been said that we can sum up a person within 3 minutes of meeting them. I’m not sure that’s always true but I think it’s extremely true in this case. This girl showed you her real colors right off the bat. Next time, don’t ignore such obvious signs as those.

 

 

Exactly.

Sounds like she was drunk or under the influence of "something" or is just very odd.

If she hadn't taken anything I guess she has had a lot of therapy/mental health treatment, as IME this sober, inappropriateness/forwardness/familiarity/unfettered life story kind of stuff is common in such people.

BUT no-one can diagnose anything here accurately.

This is not the love of the OP's life who is behaving strangely, it is a first date.

 

Don't like it?

"Odd" alarm bells sounding?

Swerve and move on...

[Butlerist]

Exactly.

Sounds like she was drunk or under the influence of "something" or is just very odd.

If she hadn't taken anything I guess she has had a lot of therapy/mental health treatment, as IME this sober, inappropriateness/forwardness/familiarity/unfettered life story kind of stuff is common in such people.

BUT no-one can diagnose anything here accurately.

This is not the love of the OP's life who is behaving strangely, it is a first date.

 

Don't like it?

"Odd" alarm bells sounding?

Swerve and move on...

 

When you say 'in such people', are you referring to those who have had therapy for some sort of personality disorder?

 

She definitely didn't seem under the influence. I mean after the first date, which was a handful, those things she said were all on calls. The fact that she wanted to tell me a story of how she beat the living daylights of another girl when 15yrs old for disrespecting her when she sat on some guys lap (again, another reference to something touchy/sexual) clarified a lot.

 

Moved on already.....

[elaine567]

When you say 'in such people', are you referring to those who have had therapy for some sort of personality disorder?

 

Can't be that specific sorry.

[Butlerist]

Can't be that specific sorry.

 

Fair enough.

 

Made the call and she was understanding. Time will tell if bunnies go missing....