Blonde2002 Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 So you've just been dumped. I write this because I do not know you and most likely never will. But if you read the title and clicked.......then welcome to the club. Sucks doesn't it. So I am going to guess this is how you are feeling right now. Firstly, your relationship was different, it was unique and it was special. And you are devastated because it was so unique and special that you are never going to find that again with anyone else in the universe. Secondly, you are now having all the thoughts of your ex's new partner (or who they will meet) in your head. You are dying inside thinking about how easily replaced and forgotten you will be. You don't want them to feel that way about anyone else but you and the thoughts of jealousy are causing you to panic and cry. Third, there is a massive super black hole size hole in your life now and you get all anxious thinking that this void will never be filled. Fourth, I want them back. Maybe if I beg, plead, do some mind games, take an overdose or turn up at the house with the real life band U2 playing "The sweetest thing" as the Edge hands you the guitar to play out the solo......they may want me back Fifth, keep asking yourself over and over and over again why don't they love me? Sixth, repeat the first 5 steps over and over and over in your mind. Seventh, repeat the sixth over and over. Can I get an Amen if this sounds brutally familiar! Feel free to add your own 'steps' below. The reason I have wrote this is because just like you (most likely) I have been dumped. It came out the blue, I was happy, I thought they were too and now we are sat here feeling pain like nothing else. Feels like someone just opened your chest and grabbed your heart out. In fact it would have been less painful to walk out in to the street, and asked the closest person to take a big run up and kick you in the balls a few times (not sure what the female equivalent is) If everything about our own relationships were so unique, why did what I write sound so familiar to you? We have all been hurt. And it hurts bad doesn't it? I work as a care worker for people with dementia ok. And one thing I have learnt over the years is that all the best care workers I know share one thing in common. They have all had trauma and pain in their lives. And it has led them to use that knowledge to help others. At least we can do that here. Lets help each other. My name is Philip, I'm 35yo and I am heartbroken after being dumped.
Zahara Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 I’m sorry you are in pain and I can certainly relate to it. It’s going to hurt for awhile but it won’t always be this way. Those emotions are going to come in waves and your brain is going to be riddled with conflicting thoughts. You just have to push forward. Heartbreak is just the worse. You’ll get through the pain and there will come a day when you’ll start to feel optimistic about the future and the possibility of loving again. For now, lean on your friends and family for support and love. Post here when you need a sounding board. Most importantly, be kind and gentle with yourself. 1
Author Blonde2002 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 Thank you for your kinds words.
manifestsunshine Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) Hi Philip, I am in the same boat. I'm on Day 12 of NC. It's been really rough. In addition, they are a emotionally detached from you and that is the hardest part to cope with. It's as if all sense of empathy towards you is gone. That is the hardest part to deal with. I feel your pain. Just know it's ok to feel the emotions. It's best to have someone to talk to ..friend or family. I may try therapy sooner than later. My mind is on a loop as well and it's hard to detach myself from all the emotions esp when doing things to distract oneself. Bouts of anger come and go but I just embrace it and know it will pass. Most of the day is good. It will def take time but just know we all go through heartbreak and there are others out there coping as well. On Youtube I listen to LoveChat & Coach Craig Kenneth. It also brings me comfort reading other people's comments below on how they are moving on by working on yourself. Makes you realize we are not alone. Edited October 31, 2018 by manifestsunshine
Author Blonde2002 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 Hi Philip, I am in the same boat. I'm on Day 12 of NC. It's been really rough. In addition, they are a emotionally detached from you and that is the hardest part to cope with. It's as if all sense of empathy towards you is gone. That is the hardest part to deal with. I feel your pain. My mind is on a loop as well and it's hard to detach myself from all the emotions esp when doing things to distract oneself. . You are so correct. Suddenly finding someone you are still emotionally attached to no longer cares about your feelings like that is a real blow. And your mind just loops over and over doesn't it? What were your circumstances if I may ask?
Gretchen12 Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Hi Philip, I didn't just get dumped. But I know what you described. I was dumped 30 years ago for the first time. I was devastated because I've never experienced it before. As time went on, I recovered, my head cleared, and went on with my life. Since then, break ups don't hurt like that anymore. It's definitely not because that first guy was special. It was really bad only because it was the first time. When I had other break ups later on, I just go "yeah ok, done this before, I know what to do, I know what will happen" Then I get over it pretty quickly. Also, after you have been the dumper yourself, you gain insight to the process. I don't think older people feel less. It's just that the experience helps you put things in perspective. Like if you've driven through the same long tunnel several times, you no longer wonder if you'll ever come out of it. 1
Author Blonde2002 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Posted October 31, 2018 Hi Philip, I didn't just get dumped. But I know what you described. I was dumped 30 years ago for the first time. I was devastated because I've never experienced it before. As time went on, I recovered, my head cleared, and went on with my life. Since then, break ups don't hurt like that anymore. It's definitely not because that first guy was special. It was really bad only because it was the first time. When I had other break ups later on, I just go "yeah ok, done this before, I know what to do, I know what will happen" Then I get over it pretty quickly. Also, after you have been the dumper yourself, you gain insight to the process. I don't think older people feel less. It's just that the experience helps you put things in perspective. Like if you've driven through the same long tunnel several times, you no longer wonder if you'll ever come out of it. Do you think it is easier being the person who dumped rather than the person being dumped? The problem I am finding is that I can not believe at this moment that life will go on. It's like a massive hole in my life I feel will never be filled. Is there anything you can suggest to help with heartache?
Gretchen12 Posted October 31, 2018 Posted October 31, 2018 Do you think it is easier being the person who dumped rather than the person being dumped? The problem I am finding is that I can not believe at this moment that life will go on. It's like a massive hole in my life I feel will never be filled. Is there anything you can suggest to help with heartache? Often the difficulty for the dumper is self-doubt, and the difficulty for the dumpee is the devaluation and lack of answers. But the loss is the same - something good, the future, coming to an end. Also if you have suffered the loss of someone close to you that died, especially if it was sudden, or possibly you feel you could have done more to save him, that loss of life is much greater as death is the most final. Talk about no contact! When you feel the pain and loss from your break up, imagine instead your ex has died in a car crash. How would you feel? Would you be more resigned? Less angry? Your ego is not bruised and she did not deceive you. If you would feel more pain if she died, that means you really wish her well. In that case, be happy for her and let her go. If you would feel less hurt (in some ways) if she died, that aspect is related to the rejection, from which you WILL recover, I assure you.
Author Blonde2002 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Posted November 1, 2018 Often the difficulty for the dumper is self-doubt, and the difficulty for the dumpee is the devaluation and lack of answers. But the loss is the same When you feel the pain and loss from your break up, imagine instead your ex has died in a car crash. How would you feel? Would you be more resigned? Less angry? Your ego is not bruised and she did not deceive you. If you would feel more pain if she died, that means you really wish her well. In that case, be happy for her and let her go. If you would feel less hurt (in some ways) if she died, that aspect is related to the rejection, from which you WILL recover, I assure you. Those are some very wise words indeed. Wow. Thank you.
Soconfuzed Posted November 1, 2018 Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) Do you think it is easier being the person who dumped rather than the person being dumped? The problem I am finding is that I can not believe at this moment that life will go on. It's like a massive hole in my life I feel will never be filled. Is there anything you can suggest to help with heartache? Do you think it is easier being the person who dumped rather than the person being dumped? The problem I am finding is that I can not believe at this moment that life will go on. It's like a massive hole in my life I feel will never be filled. Is there anything you can suggest to help with heartache? I'm sorry for your pain. I know how devastated and lost you are feeling. I too am in the depths of despair with a breakup. I am in in my early 50's have been married and divorced and have had several long term relationships since my marriage ended 10 years ago. I have to say this break up is incredibly painful perhaps the worst I have ever experienced due to the fact I invested my entire self into this relationship. We've been together for 2.5 years. I had just moved in and suddenly she went cold. I recognized the feeling from past experience. Someone else was in the picture. I think being dumped for another person is much worse than being the one who initiates the breakup. It's incredibly painful as it destroys you on so many levels. Your sense of self is ruined. Your self-esteem is crushed. Your ability to trust is demolished. I can't help but think there must be something I could have done differently to make her want me instead of him. She said "It just happened because of where we were in our relationship". That's not a good enough answer for me but, I understand that I will never have an answer that satisfies my desire to know "WHY?" I have just started day 1 of No Contact. I am at work and I am a complete disaster. I saw and slept with my ex last night. We have been in this "limbo" relationship for the past month and only seeing each other one or two days a week with very little texting or phone calls in between. She also says she may or may not be in love with this other guy...she doesn't know or isn't saying. I just can't take this anymore and told her last night that we are completely done and asked her to not contact me. I am completely and totally horrified at the thought of never speaking to her again. I love her so much but, she has no respect for me and if I keep a "triangle" relationship going I will lose all respect for myself. I haven't blocked her number or unfriended her on Facebook yet. She still has a picture of us together as her profile pic as do I. I feel like that is the final step and announces to the world that we are done... I am planning on just shutting my Facebook account down.. I really don't want to live this drama out in front of everyone. I do have a suggestion for trying to help with your heartbreak. I think it's important to understand why you feel the way you do when you're broken hearted. I am listening to a couple of books on heartbreak right now. Dr. Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart Very easy to listen to. He does the narration and does a great job of explaining what happens to our brains on a chemical level and what we can do to move through the heart break process. You can get the gist of the book and hear him on TedTalk here: Susan J. Elliot: Getting Past Your Breakup, How to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you This is a guide, a workbook of steps if you will, that provides concrete methods to help you heal and grow more quickly. You can download the Audible App trial and get two free books. These are the two I chose. Right now..I'm going one minute at a time..... It's excruciating but, I'm determined to get through this and come out the other side better prepared for my next and perhaps my last true love.... Edited November 1, 2018 by Soconfuzed
Author Blonde2002 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Posted November 2, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry for your pain. I know how devastated and lost you are feeling. I too am in the depths of despair with a breakup. I am in in my early 50's have been married and divorced and have had several long term relationships since my marriage ended 10 years ago. <SNIP> Oh brother my heart genuinely bleeds for you. I am so there with you in your pain. I know this is a terrible thing to say but it brings me comfort hearing stories like yours as it makes me feel normal again. It makes me realise that so many other people are going through the exact same excruciating pain. You literally described word for word exactly my feelings. wow. I know I am not your ex or even a woman, but if you want to talk I am here for you. Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
manifestsunshine Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 (edited) You are so correct. Suddenly finding someone you are still emotionally attached to no longer cares about your feelings like that is a real blow. And your mind just loops over and over doesn't it? What were your circumstances if I may ask? It is a persistent loop but it's all apart of the healing process. Even have bad dreams sporadically. I have gotten to the point where I felt so betrayed that anger had been an impetus for change in myself. Have even forced myself to think of him with someone else and have embraced it bc we can't change their minds and they are not ours to control anymore. There's no going back, just moving forward. What helps is thinking about their negative qualities, lowering them to friend status vs. a lover. If you need to yell in a pillow, that helped a lot. I had a lot of aggression and it's very cathartic. I had a lot of health problems and had to focus on myself. It made me emotionally unavailable, depressed and suicidal. And me asking for space, was him interpreting it as I don't want to be with him anymore and perceived it as neglect. As soon as I started eating meat again, everything subsided, but he had already moved on. He knew I was ill but couldn't empathize with what I was going through at all and misinterpreted everything. On top of that I had lost my job, friends, social life and my dog. I realize now that he has a lot of insecurities and he was highly dependent upon me. He needed constant validation, acknowledgment and pampering all the time. We never discussed what we wanted from each other and I think that is why things ended so badly bc he thought I didn't love him if I wasn't showing him in the way he wanted affection. He never told me even how he felt from me keeping him at a distance at times. I was still there with him and he acted as if everything was fine and dandy. If I could go back I would ask.. what is your interpretation of love and how can I show you?...bc me saying I love him and doing small gestures of kindness (my interpretation of love) and still being there for him, weren't enough. He got so caught up that he succumbed to the idea that he was a rebound bc our social/economic status weren't aligned. It's just all these assumptions accumulated and he second-guessed himself. Instead of talking to me, he suppressed it. He talked to him mom about our problems instead of me. hah! His inability to express his feelings led to our demise as it exploded into anger and resentment. So to seek revenge upon me, he continued to put on a facade and it wasn't until I spent $ to fly over to him did he break it off. Totally caught me off guard...damn good actor! He made excuses that he couldn't commit, was happy alone and was busy at work, instead of saying he's not in love with me anymore. I forced this out of him the last day I saw him when he said those words and also that I neglected him. He was hurt, so he intentionally hurt me badly. Still trying to get over this emotional abuse. I was in a karmic relationship and maybe you can relate as well. https://thoughtcatalog.com/nikita-mor/2017/02/13-signs-youre-in-what-is-known-as-a-karmic-relationship/ The biggest hurdle was communication as I have to forgive myself for fully trusting him. At the beg of the relationship he said he would let me know how he feels so he won't waste my time, but in fact he didn't follow through and wasted my time. He selfishly wanted to be my friend and I was his FWB without knowing it so I definitely felt used. He was holding onto me for his own validation and emotional cushion to boost his ego. What I've learned is we have to check in with one another all the time and communication is key. We can't rely on our partners to do this for us and we have to be proactive about it. I also understand that most couples do not stay together as we continually shift and outgrow each other. Nothing is fully stagnant and we have to accept this is just apart of life. The feelings of despair won't be as bad after this bc this was the hardest one to overcome. In any relationship we have to live in the moment and that is what matters the most. We all live in uncertainty. We aren't worried about the future. By embracing this is over and being thankful that we learned from this experience, we can apply it to the next for an even better relationship than before. For now, we just have to work on ourselves and find our own happiness, which should never have been dependent upon another person to begin with. We have to value our own self-worth and respect ourselves fully. Move on with a sense of dignity. The best revenge is to live a better life than your ex. We connect with others not to complete us, but to add value to what is already there. We will both get through this! I found this on YT in the comments: "What I've come to realize in my 60+ years of life is that I've never really missed the person when the relationship ended. What I missed and grieved was the loss of the dream of what I had imagined the relationship would eventually become." Edited November 2, 2018 by manifestsunshine
Author Blonde2002 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Posted November 2, 2018 [quote= I found this on YT in the comments: "What I've come to realize in my 60+ years of life is that I've never really missed the person when the relationship ended. What I missed and grieved was the loss of the dream of what I had imagined the relationship would eventually become." That is exactly the point. We are all guilty of missing the what if's. We miss what we imagined life was going to be. I have tried to imagine my worse thoughts and embrace them. For we all know what we resist persists. So instead of hiding from them I welcome them now. And it has brought me great relief. Pain is awful and it really really hurts. But listening to people like you share your experiences make this much more bearable. Thank you
Soconfuzed Posted November 2, 2018 Posted November 2, 2018 Oh brother my heart genuinely bleeds for you. I am so there with you in your pain. I know this is a terrible thing to say but it brings me comfort hearing stories like yours as it makes me feel normal again. It makes me realise that so many other people are going through the exact same excruciating pain. You literally described word for word exactly my feelings. wow. I know I am not your ex or even a woman, but if you want to talk I am here for you. Thanks for the heartfelt response. Heartbreak really is a nightmare to deal with. I also find comfort knowing that others are going through the same thing I am. It makes me feel a little less alone and a little less like I'm going insane. After a horrible morning I'm actually having a pretty good afternoon.... One hour at a time for now... It will get better.
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