He's angry when I'm upset

[Kelliousme]

I need some advice and also need to vent a little.

 

My boyfriend is typically very understanding and loving but he's hell when we fight. As a woman, I find it normal to get upset at certain things or get agitated easily due to PMS. But instead of comforting me, he gets angry with me. We used to fight back then because he said I'd have this "attitude" when I'm upset with things. I've come to accept that it's entirely my fault so I've been trying to not get upset, or at least not show it in front of him.

 

But it doesn't feel right that I can't feel upset.. at anything.. and can't talk to him or show that I'm upset. If we try to talk it out, it'll always lead to him yelling at me (for not listening to him or not doing what he's advised me to do). We always end with us screaming at each other, me crying, and him screaming at me some more until I beg for him to stop and calm down. This is unhealthy, I know.

 

Nowadays it's gotten worse. I don't even need to be upset.. and he'll start raising his voice at me for reasons I can't comprehend. This morning I asked if he remembered what we planned for today and he said no, so I reminded him. We were late to our dinner so we had to wait for seats. I told him we should've left earlier. He responded defensively with, "so it's all my fault huh". Immediately I said "No I never said that, I thought it was my fault." He then suddenly talked about how I looked angry at him that he forgot the plans. And I'm just very confused because I wasn't mad. I reminded him and that was it. We even continued to talk about other things throughout the day. But he just started to yell and scream at me. When I finally had it and began to cry and yell for him to calm down and stop because it's hurting me, the only thing he says is "see, you're raising your voice at me too. Get out and leave."

 

I don't get it.

[Garcon1986]

Take a deep breath, this can potentially be worked out. The symptoms you are describing have been creeping up on you for an extremely long time. Usually, this level of couple / spousal argument doesn't turn up overnight unless both people have mood issues or a significant handicap of some type, whether physical or psychological.

 

I need for you to put your feminine side on the shelf for a minute, and for him to put his masculine side on the shelf for a minute, and ask very deeply, do you both understand each other's love languages? Do you both understand what the other person needs to feel validated and loved? If it isn't clear to you, you have some homework to do.

 

Let's for example give him the benefit of the doubt. If he is a gentle, kind, and respectful man, even the most patient man will lose his patience if his wife always gets mad about certain things, or says semi-insulting things when the tempers are a little hot. It doesn't matter whether PMS is happening or not. He would like to see a gradual improvement, or at least an effort to fight "fair". When arguments devolve into "I can't believe you forgot something", or "you are so stupid for doing that", the conflict has been there for a while. Conversely, I will give you an electronic high five for seeing your temper and it's association with PMS. It's always a healthy thing to channel your temper into something more constructive. I would look back into times when you may have said stuff out of frustration, and ponder what effect it could have had on your man's emotions. Men fundamentally want to be able to fix things, and it's in their nature to offer solutions. If you find yourself getting frustrated because you are seeking out listening, rather than a real solution, a hairy conflict can arise simply from this. It devalues his manliness if you have responded to his offering solutions with "you're not listening", and is tremendously insulting. It's not natural because women are accustomed to listening and offering solutions only if asked.

 

On his side, he can work on recognizing when you have a temper, and trying to separate the temper from the caring, loving, understanding Kelliousme who wants to build a healthy relationship with her man. He can realize that the frustrations have come from a longstanding conflict, and that you are not always having a temper, and you are human and trying to be as good and as caring as you can be.

 

 

Consider this mutual question - can you sort out how you can make each other's days better? Make it a point to swallow both your egos for two weeks and try this question every day. Try to melt some walls and build more understanding.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he wants to break up but doesn't have the stones to just be honest that he no longer wants to be together. So, he provoked an argument and told you to scram.

 

Sorry OP, but I would stay gone.

[Million.to.1]

From personal experience, I believe one of the most important things in a relationship is how two people deal with conflict together.

Sometimes, even if there are plenty of positive things about your relationship, if you exacerbate each others bad characteristics when dealing with conflict it will erode the relationship. It's just a compatibility issue. We all have issues we bring from our childhoods and pasts, and if your partner becomes cruel and uncaring when you having a moment, resentment will take over and love will become contempt.

 

I think that is where the saying comes from.. sometimes love just ain't enough.

[bathtub-row]

He’s verbally abusive and he’s turning up the incidents of abuse little by little. This is exactly how people get trapped into these relationships. The arguments are usually irrational and about control and about how they wrongly interpret something you said or did. Confusion is often what the victim is left feeling. Then you blame yourself and he’s well on his way to controlling you and your life.

 

No matter what anyone tells you, this is not fixable. He is showing you who he is and for every day you stick around, you’re showing him that you’re willing to tolerate his behavior. Every instinct you have about making a relationship work will work against you in this case. The only solution is to walk away. He will not change, except to get worse over time. If you persist in this relationship, he will break your spirit and ruin your life. I know you think his moments of being nice overrides these fights but they don’t. You do not want to be with a man like this. If you truly understood the abusive personality, you’d run as far away as you possibly could.

[basil67]

and he'll start raising his voice at me for reasons I can't comprehend. ....We were late to our dinner so we had to wait for seats. I told him we should've left earlier. He responded defensively with, "so it's all my fault huh".

 

With all due respect, stating the obvious is never a good choice. Better to quietly store it away and make better plans next time. Unless he really is the one at fault....

[Redhead14]

You two sound young. How long have you been seeing each other?

 

While this kind of thing is a two-way street, I always tell people that they need to evaluate their own role in a situation before addressing the partner's role. I'm not assigning blame to you in any way. You need to really think about whether you are handling it properly first and make changes yourself. The statement I highlighted below is something you really need to think about too.

 

I find it normal to get upset at certain things or get agitated easily due to PMS - While I understand that some women struggle with mood during their menstrual cycle, I'd be very careful about blaming behaviors on that . . . You need to "ground" yourself during this time and really focus on the things that agitate you to evaluate whether your reaction is to over-react and lash out at your boyfriend for relatively minor things and/or things that aren't his fault. You can't control hormones and their affect on you, but you can control how you respond to them. PMS does not give license or excuse for reactions that seem irrational to someone else. My own daughter struggles with this and she didn't realize how she was behaving and coming across. She couldn't see her own contribution to certain situations.

 

While you may not be specifically blaming him about something, the fact that there may be an outburst over something he hasn't a clue about to start with, is going to put him on the defensive especially if he's a young guy who isn't "used" to or doesn't understand how this affects women. And, I promise you, if you've ever said that PMS is to blame, you're going to lose ground/listening from him on anything.

 

I've been trying to not get upset, or at least not show it in front of him. - This isn't healthy. It's OK to say, Xthing is making me angry and I need help or Xthing is bothering me and I'm confused or anxious. Can we talk about it?" And, if it's something that he actually is responsible for, don't start with "you never do xthing" or "why don't you. . . " It's not what you say, but how you say it.

 

His attitude and way of dealing with it isn't right either. It sounds to me like he's a little bit of a bully and sees you as someone who isn't strong enough to stand up for herself. Next time things escalate, you simply make a statement "I don't like xsituation and I want to discuss it with you" in a very calm, but assertive tone. If he yells, you make the same statement again. Calmly. If he continues to yell, you tell him you'd like to talk about it in about an hour when you are both calm. If he continues to rant or yell, then you stand up, tell him you won't tolerate yelling and screaming and you leave the room or the house. You can stand up for yourself with assertiveness and resolve - not by shutting down or crying. If he's ranting, and you can't get a word in edgewise, you just leave the situation. Don't let it get to a point where you're sobbing and he tells you to leave. You draw the line. He seems to use passive-aggressiveness as well. That's just immaturity.

 

This situation seems to be a case where both parties don't have good conflict resolution skills. Usually, when couples argue like this and over small things, it's really a sign of a large issue in the relationship -- overall communication skills for sure and possibly just plain immaturity and a skill set that doesn't have enough tools to support a relationship.

 

Frankly, I think you'd do well to move on from the relationship and let yourself grow and develop into a strong, secure, independent woman in her own right and then seek a man who appreciates that in a woman and adds to her happiness.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Redhead14

[d0nnivain]

As a woman I find your PMS excuse to be a cop out. I have never in my life been more emotional at a certain time of the month. You alone are in charge of your emotions, not your hormones.

 

Your BF sounds defensive at this point. He may feel he's been under siege for a while. He doesn't get to scream but this isn't coming from left field.

 

If you genuinely thought you being late to dinner was your fault you should have said, "I'm sorry I made us late." Instead you said "we should have left later." I can understand why he interpreted that to mean that you were blaming him.

 

When in a relationship you have to know when to let things go. Before you speak think about whether what you are saying will help or hurt the situation, how you'd feel if someone said it to you. I forgot the exact saying but it's something about make your words soft & sweet in case you have to eat them.

[lurker74]

Two things going on here, from what I can tell. The first is the typical (and stereotypical) woman venting vs. man solving dynamic. It is so common that it is essentially a roll-your-eyes cliche. At some point, long ago, you probably had a conversation about the nail in your head:

 

 

It is very common for women to want to share their feelings and concerns (PMS or not). It is also very common for men to respond by telling their SO how to fix the problem that they're "complaining" about. Notice I used of scare quotes to denote that the man feels like it's complaining; that doesn't mean it is complaining but he will often feel that way. So it devolves into:

 

W: This thing that happened to me today sucked.

M: Why did it happen.

W: I don't know. It probably was lots of things.

M: If you don't know, you should find out.

W: I just feel bad about it and it sucks.

M: Well, how are you supposed to feel better about it if your don't know why it happened.

W: I don't know - why can't you just listen.

M: Whatever. If you're going to complain and not do anything about it, I can't help you.

 

And it continues from there. He needs to learn that fixing a problem is not his role; his role is to listen and empathize. But it often takes men a very long time to learn that. Similarly, it takes women a very long time to learn that the stereotypical male response to stress - walling him off from emotion for a short period of time - is also an acceptable response to his stress.

 

 

The SECOND thing that is happening is that this strife has happened so much that it has now led to contempt. It is very hard to come back from contempt in a relationship. Both sides have to recognize how they got there and want to get back out of it. Unfortunately, when you get there, it is a VERY high likelihood that one or both parties simply won't want to. And if both sides don't want to, there really is nothing left to do but separate. If that is your relationship, I am very sorry.

 

Whether it's this relationship or the next, however, I would suggest that you work on communication. You have an absolute right to your emotions as does your partner. But understanding how those emotions affect the other person - even if you have a right to them - is critical in not destroying an otherwise healthy relationship.

[Kelliousme]

As a woman I find your PMS excuse to be a cop out. I have never in my life been more emotional at a certain time of the month. You alone are in charge of your emotions, not your hormones.

 

Your BF sounds defensive at this point. He may feel he's been under siege for a while. He doesn't get to scream but this isn't coming from left field.

 

If you genuinely thought you being late to dinner was your fault you should have said, "I'm sorry I made us late." Instead you said "we should have left later." I can understand why he interpreted that to mean that you were blaming him.

 

When in a relationship you have to know when to let things go. Before you speak think about whether what you are saying will help or hurt the situation, how you'd feel if someone said it to you. I forgot the exact saying but it's something about make your words soft & sweet in case you have to eat them.

 

Thanks for all your responds

 

You'd be surprised what hormones can make you feel. PMS is a thing. Back then I never felt a difference. Anyways, I never want to use it as an "excuse", so I never bring that up in front of him. I just admit that it's my fault.

 

As for saying we should have left earlier, I did not think the blame was on him because.. he was waiting on me. I used "we" because.. we were leaving together. So it confused me why he would even consider that I was blaming him because I was the one who took forever to leave. Because of the context.. it's just very hard for me to even think that he's the one to blame.

 

I find it reasonable when I'm upset. For example, I was yelled at by my boss for something I didn't do. I was really down the entire day. (I won't be smiling and I'll be in my own world thinking about the whole situation). But instead of comforting me, he gets angry with me for being upset because he doesn't believe it's a "good" reason to be upset. Due to this, I've bottled up everything that's making me upset in order to not make him upset. Seems like my mood affects him whether or not it's due to him.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe he's not an empathetic guy. Re-read lurker's post. He's giving you the Mars Venus thing. Women, we want to talk to share. Letting it out dissipates the bad. Men fix or suppress. There is no talking about it. If they can't fix it they get frustrated & they don't understand why we want to talk. So find an outlet for your sharing that is not your BF. If I need to vent I go to my GFs not my husband. If I'm upset DH will hug me but he won't sit there & dissect with me or let me whine. To some extent it's about understanding your audience. Perhaps when you are in need of comfort, emotional support you know will be tough for him to supply, tell him you need a few hours of space & call one of your friends.

[Kelliousme]

Two things going on here, from what I can tell. The first is the typical (and stereotypical) woman venting vs. man solving dynamic. It is so common that it is essentially a roll-your-eyes cliche. At some point, long ago, you probably had a conversation about the nail in your head:

 

 

It is very common for women to want to share their feelings and concerns (PMS or not). It is also very common for men to respond by telling their SO how to fix the problem that they're "complaining" about. Notice I used of scare quotes to denote that the man feels like it's complaining; that doesn't mean it is complaining but he will often feel that way. So it devolves into:

 

W: This thing that happened to me today sucked.

M: Why did it happen.

W: I don't know. It probably was lots of things.

M: If you don't know, you should find out.

W: I just feel bad about it and it sucks.

M: Well, how are you supposed to feel better about it if your don't know why it happened.

W: I don't know - why can't you just listen.

M: Whatever. If you're going to complain and not do anything about it, I can't help you.

 

And it continues from there. He needs to learn that fixing a problem is not his role; his role is to listen and empathize. But it often takes men a very long time to learn that. Similarly, it takes women a very long time to learn that the stereotypical male response to stress - walling him off from emotion for a short period of time - is also an acceptable response to his stress.

 

 

The SECOND thing that is happening is that this strife has happened so much that it has now led to contempt. It is very hard to come back from contempt in a relationship. Both sides have to recognize how they got there and want to get back out of it. Unfortunately, when you get there, it is a VERY high likelihood that one or both parties simply won't want to. And if both sides don't want to, there really is nothing left to do but separate. If that is your relationship, I am very sorry.

 

Whether it's this relationship or the next, however, I would suggest that you work on communication. You have an absolute right to your emotions as does your partner. But understanding how those emotions affect the other person - even if you have a right to them - is critical in not destroying an otherwise healthy relationship.

 

I love how everyone is so focused on the PMS LOL. I never get upset or mad just simply because I'm PMSing. I'm saying.. I think I get upset over things more easily around that time due to hormones.

 

We did have this convo before. I explained that sometimes we just need to talk it not, not necessarily looking for a solution. I've told him that if I ever get upset, I just need a hug from him and that's all. But every time we "talk" things through, it happens again. Leading him to yell at me and me crying lol. We fight about once a month..

 

Last month I lost my favorite bracelet given to me by my mother. I was REALLY upset about it. I looked everywhere. He tried to comfort me by saying "it's just a bracelet." So I naturally responded saying "It's NOT just a bracelet!!" I guess he hated how I responded with an attitude.. so he got REALLY mad at me. I then realized he was upset with me so I asked if he's mad at me. Even when I told him I'm sorry, he'd continue to be angry and end up yelling at me again LOL.

 

I'm trying to look at it from his perspective. It seems when I'm upset and I give him an "attitude" like he says I do, he gets angry. But I don't think that justifies his yelling.

[Kelliousme]

Maybe he's not an empathetic guy. Re-read lurker's post. He's giving you the Mars Venus thing. Women, we want to talk to share. Letting it out dissipates the bad. Men fix or suppress. There is no talking about it. If they can't fix it they get frustrated & they don't understand why we want to talk. So find an outlet for your sharing that is not your BF. If I need to vent I go to my GFs not my husband. If I'm upset DH will hug me but he won't sit there & dissect with me or let me whine. To some extent it's about understanding your audience. Perhaps when you are in need of comfort, emotional support you know will be tough for him to supply, tell him you need a few hours of space & call one of your friends.

 

I thought about that too. But im in my late 20s. All my friends either moved or theyre busy with their husbands/children. Even if I'm upset and need someone to talk to, by the time i meet up with them I'd probably forgotten it lol. I don't typically stay upset or angry for long.

 

He did say hes not an empathetic guy. He told me people used to say hes a cold hearted person.

[lurker74]

Last month I lost my favorite bracelet given to me by my mother. I was REALLY upset about it. I looked everywhere. He tried to comfort me by saying "it's just a bracelet." So I naturally responded saying "It's NOT just a bracelet!!" I guess he hated how I responded with an attitude.. so he got REALLY mad at me. I then realized he was upset with me so I asked if he's mad at me. Even when I told him I'm sorry, he'd continue to be angry and end up yelling at me again LOL.

 

I'm trying to look at it from his perspective. It seems when I'm upset and I give him an "attitude" like he says I do, he gets angry. But I don't think that justifies his yelling.

 

OK. Here's his perspective. Your emotions - or rather, the display of them - have for some period of time caused him stress. That does not mean you have caused the stress - he has allowed your display of emotion to cause it. This is MOST likely due to his inability to fully empathize that, over time, a combination of his persona and his psyche has interpreted to be a weakness of yours. You have exacerbated that perception by apologizing for emotions and by bottling up your emotions. Apologizing for a natural thing implies that you did something wrong; you did not. Imagine apologizing for having to go to the bathroom. You shouldn't pee all over his living room but the act of using the bathroom is not something for which you should be sorry. Yet by apologizing, you have created a dynamic where his psyche views that as negative on your part.

 

And then when you bottle your emotions, you create a fiction in his mind that you have things under control. But when they get particularly difficult they come rushing out. Now he sees these outbursts as even worse because he has trained himself to view them as your fault (since you apologize) and the source of his stress. To him, it feels like an imposition on his life, one that you know is wrong and one that you should be able to control.

 

Of course, none of this is conscious thought on his part, most likely (because if it is, then he's a sociopath and you should run). Rather, it's all occurring beneath the surface. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy; it means he is not in control of his subconscious thought - none of us are.

 

So, how do you fix it? Frankly, you most likely cannot. You should not be hiding your emotions; you should be attenuating them to the situation and understand how it might affect him, but ultimately, it is mostly up to him to recognize that having an anger response to your emotion is neither helpful nor fair. That would probably require a few weeks of therapy at least.

 

But a couple things for you...you are on the step of an abusive relationship. When one party uses anger to limit your emotional response, it is a form of control. You are already exhibiting the signs of abuse by apologizing for being sad or stressed and blaming a lot of it on yourself. In the future - whether with him or with someone else - a greater emphasis on communication outside of emotional states on how to behave INSIDE of emotional states is warranted. And FWIW, your partner SHOULD be the one to whom you whine, complain, and vent. And when that is done, you thank him for being there in whatever ways he wants to be thanked.

[Redhead14]

I love how everyone is so focused on the PMS LOL. I never get upset or mad just simply because I'm PMSing. I'm saying.. I think I get upset over things more easily around that time due to hormones.

 

We did have this convo before. I explained that sometimes we just need to talk it not, not necessarily looking for a solution. I've told him that if I ever get upset, I just need a hug from him and that's all. But every time we "talk" things through, it happens again. Leading him to yell at me and me crying lol. We fight about once a month..

 

Last month I lost my favorite bracelet given to me by my mother. I was REALLY upset about it. I looked everywhere. He tried to comfort me by saying "it's just a bracelet." So I naturally responded saying "It's NOT just a bracelet!!" I guess he hated how I responded with an attitude.. so he got REALLY mad at me. I then realized he was upset with me so I asked if he's mad at me. Even when I told him I'm sorry, he'd continue to be angry and end up yelling at me again LOL.

 

I'm trying to look at it from his perspective. It seems when I'm upset and I give him an "attitude" like he says I do, he gets angry. But I don't think that justifies his yelling.

 

 

I love how everyone is so focused on the PMS -- It was the second sentence of your opening statement regarding the situation . . . that says a lot.

 

"It's NOT just a bracelet!!" I guess he hated how I responded with an attitude - Sure, you lashed out at him. A better of way expressing yourself would be "Xname, it's more important to me than that. My Mom gave it to me. Please try understand how I'm feeling". Will you spend a little time to help me look for it? -- in a calm, no attitude way.

 

Yeah, yelling is an over-reaction but it's an over-reaction to your over-reaction. He may just be getting angry because this kind of thing is beginning to wear on him. The situation is wearing on you, but you resort to shutting down and crying. Both of your reactions/responses aren't helping the situation.

 

You need to try something different and it starts with you because you're the only one you can control here. Set an example and see how it works. A change won't happen overnight, so be consistent and patient. And, if he's yelling, tell him you don't appreciate being yelled at and ask him to calm down and you will do the same -- not yelling or giving attitude or crying. You can cry later if you want, but not in the moment if you want to gain some "power" or at least balance the power you have in these situations. Young men seeing crying as an attempt to be manipulative in certain situations. They can have compassion and empathy though but it's hard to have that for someone who is lashing out at them or "giving attitude".

 

And, when you apologize, you say -- "Xname, I know it's not your fault. I'm sorry I took it out on you. I promise to try to do better when something upsets me. Let's both try to do things differently when things go wrong, OK?"

[Kelliousme]

I love how everyone is so focused on the PMS -- It was the second sentence of your opening statement regarding the situation . . . that says a lot.

 

"It's NOT just a bracelet!!" I guess he hated how I responded with an attitude - Sure, you lashed out at him. A better of way expressing yourself would be "Xname, it's more important to me than that. My Mom gave it to me. Please try understand how I'm feeling". Will you spend a little time to help me look for it? -- in a calm, no attitude way.

 

Yeah, yelling is an over-reaction but it's an over-reaction to your over-reaction. He may just be getting angry because this kind of thing is beginning to wear on him. The situation is wearing on you, but you resort to shutting down and crying. Both of your reactions/responses aren't helping the situation.

 

You need to try something different and it starts with you because you're the only one you can control here. Set an example and see how it works. A change won't happen overnight, so be consistent and patient. And, if he's yelling, tell him you don't appreciate being yelled at and ask him to calm down and you will do the same -- not yelling or giving attitude or crying. You can cry later if you want, but not in the moment if you want to gain some "power" or at least balance the power you have in these situations. Young men seeing crying as an attempt to be manipulative in certain situations. They can have compassion and empathy though but it's hard to have that for someone who is lashing out at them or "giving attitude".

 

And, when you apologize, you say -- "Xname, I know it's not your fault. I'm sorry I took it out on you. I promise to try to do better when something upsets me. Let's both try to do things differently when things go wrong, OK?"

 

Sigh. Just because it's the second sentence.. It doesnt mean it should be the main focus. I also said i need to vent because I've tried what you've advised as well. Ive asked him many times to remain calm and we can talk it through. I explain my side and i ask for his. My attitude that he claims I have.. I didn't say it with an attitude. I quoted it that way because that's what he seems to be hearing. But i said "but it's not just a bracelet." in a very calm and sad way. Id never take out my anger on him because i know it's not his fault.

 

When he's angry, i have to remain calm and talk to him like a child. I have to talk to him nicely and make sure not to add oil to the flame. He promised not to yell anymore but it just keeps happening. It's starting to bother me because he seems very immature to me now. Im afraid ive chosen the wrong person to be with.

[smackie9]

My husband and I come home from work, crack a beer, vent about our day for about 10 mins....then we relax and do our thing. Maybe you should try that.

 

 

Another thing that works is having your own space to just be you, do your own thing without having to answer to anyone. What alerted me was the fact your friends have moved away, and now you don't have that outlet like you used to. Go out and make new friends, whether it be through work or a network. It will take the load off your BF and your relationship....learn to be your own person again.

[Redhead14]

Sigh. Just because it's the second sentence.. It doesnt mean it should be the main focus. I also said i need to vent because I've tried what you've advised as well. Ive asked him many times to remain calm and we can talk it through. I explain my side and i ask for his. My attitude that he claims I have.. I didn't say it with an attitude. I quoted it that way because that's what he seems to be hearing. But i said "but it's not just a bracelet." in a very calm and sad way. Id never take out my anger on him because i know it's not his fault.

 

When he's angry, i have to remain calm and talk to him like a child. I have to talk to him nicely and make sure not to add oil to the flame. He promised not to yell anymore but it just keeps happening. It's starting to bother me because he seems very immature to me now. Im afraid ive chosen the wrong person to be with.

 

 

I agree, it appears that you have chosen the wrong person to be with. If you've been handling it the way you say you have and he keeps promising to change and doesn't, it means that's just how he's wired, at least right now, and that doesn't work for you. If he's young, it's probably just a maturity thing. You don't need a boyfriend that needs raising. That was his parent's job. He's not going to change on your "watch" and if you want to wait it out, you're gonna need a bigger "watch".

[olivetree]

I just want to point out that there do exist lovely empathetic men that will hold you when you're upset and listen to you when you've had a bad day.

You don't have to settle for one that makes you feel wrong for ever feeling negative emotions.

 

Having a partner who is enotionally supportive makes a world of difference, and you sound like someone who needs that.

[Hopeful30]

Yuck. Sounds like the early days of my abusive ex-boyfriend who wanted me to take responsibility for everything in relationship, including his mental health issues.

 

My gut tells me that you need to leave him, but all I know is what you've shared in the post. Why do you tolerate this behaviour? Does he know how ridiculous he is being? Have you guys discussed this?

 

I feel like your relationship is very young. Also, if he gets irritated about all the little things, it might indicate he is no longer interested in the relationship, has lost his attraction to you (hence why you've become annoying to him) or he's cheating.

 

What does your gut tell you?

[guest569]

As a woman I find your PMS excuse to be a cop out. I have never in my life been more emotional at a certain time of the month. You alone are in charge of your emotions, not your hormones.

 

Are you serious?

[olivetree]

As a woman I find your PMS excuse to be a cop out. I have never in my life been more emotional at a certain time of the month. You alone are in charge of your emotions, not your hormones.

 

Smiley, I had the same reaction to this bit.

If you've never experienced bad PMS, you can't really comment on it.

[GoreSP]

Smiley, I had the same reaction to this bit.

If you've never experienced bad PMS, you can't really comment on it.

 

I mind of agree with Do0nivan.

Keeping in mind we are missing a lot of info.

 

It's one thing to be more sensitive, it's another to pick fights, yell at people, be a general a-hole and use PMS as a reason for erratic behavior... (not saying this is the case of OP, but my understanding of OP's posts is that she isn't exactly keeping calm either)

 

Edit: my point is, a lot of women become raging monsters and then go 'woops, PMS ladida'. It's not ok to yell at people because of PMS. If it's so bad that you completely lose control of your emotions, stay home for a few days. Get a doctor's note if you need to for work. Sheesh.

Edited November 2, 2018 by GoreSP

[guest569]

Smiley, I had the same reaction to this bit.

If you've never experienced bad PMS, you can't really comment on it.

 

I become deeply depressed and suicidal every month. Like clockwork. Very emotional, wailing over a sad movie, getting angry, feeling anxious, no apparent reason.. Until sure enough a week later my period starts. The links between hormones and emotions are pretty well established especially a surge in childhood, teen years, menstruation and menopause. It's amazing that people still think PMS /PMT is a myth when it happens to almost(?) everyone who menstruates. It's not a cop out. It is a fact. It doesn't make it OK to be nasty to people but it explains a lot. I'm a little more understanding when people have this because I live it. And Gore, I don't think it is reasonable for you to suggest that all women to put A QUARTER of their lives on hold.

 

To Kelli, I understand and I believe you. Sorry to keep the focus on PMS but I am stunned that people don't believe it exists. It is an actual thing. They should just consider themselves extremely lucky that they don't understand, and keep their mouths shut.

 

There are a few possibilities I can see:

 

1. He is an angry and sensitive person. That is his personality and always has been, he won't change.

 

Your boyfriend is also showing anger and lashing out, and he has actually described himself as cold hearted and not empathetic. That would be a huge deal breaker for me. You need a partner to be able to support you, family and friends and pets, through ups and downs. The last thing you need when you're sad about your boss yelling at you, or a family member passed, or heaven forbid you are involved in a traumatic situation, is the need to tip toe around him, put on the parent voice and watch every single word you say and make sure that he is OK. He should be able to comfort you in the bad times. People are allowed to be emotional. Life isn't always good or neutral. You shouldn't have to say in a monotone "I've lost n important piece of jewellery, my darling, it would be appreciated if you could please assist. Kind regards."

 

How is he with others?

 

 

2. He has reasons for lashing out.

 

Does he have PMS? Seriously, it can be hormones, life situation, stress, anxiety, depression. If there is a reason for it that he can actually take accountability and apologise then I would see hope. (I am thinking 1 is more likely than 2 though from what you've described).

 

 

3. The two of you lash out at each other because you're incompatible.

 

Have you had any relationships prior? Some people click better than others due to their personalities, temperament, life situation, goals and outlook. It just flows. It's easy to get along. Provided that you're not a raging monster, you might have other relationships where you never fight with the other person.

 

 

4. The two of you lash out because of underlying issues in the relationship.

 

If one or both are unhappy, hurt, needs not being met.. Minor or major, something that isn't being addressed and comes out in anger in other unrelated situations.

[GoreSP]

I’m not suggesting all women put a quarter of their lives on hold. The majority of women don’t go through an uncontrolable roler coaster of emotions for 7 days every month.

 

I’m also talking about the women who lash outand throw fits, using PMS as an excuse.

Like I said, it’s one thing to be more sensitive, it’s another to throw tantrums.