devilmaycry25 Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 Me, and my gf are having big crisis in our relationship. Our relationship from the beginning was the "rocky" one, mostly due to our differiencies. We split up few times in the early beginning (her decision) but after some time we somehow managed to get past our problems and it was great. Truly, I've never ever felt so loved in my life. Of course, there were fights here and then, but nothing too serious. Honestly, for quite a while we both felt that if we survived our past problems, we will survive anything. Situation changed 1,5 month ago. I wouldn't go into details, but due to many, MANY reasons, we started arguing a lot. My gf is also the type of person who is distancing herself when in conflict, while I'm the "fixer". Many, many things happened at once, starting with... Engagement. She proposed to me, which I agreed on, but we decided to not tell anyone until I buy her a ring. I was caught off guard, having some financial problems, trying to make it happen ASAP. Then she changed her job which changed how our life looks .I won't go into details, but many other things happened aswell in both of our lifes.. We started arguing about petty things. She also wasn't acting good for relationship in my opinion - doing things that she knew that will annoy me, tit-for-tat behavour, distancing herself, talking more to her friends instead of me and so on. I wouldn't lie - I feel like a took big part in those problems, being more insecure than ever due to many reasons, pressure, and so on, I've starting acting jealous etc. She also started feeling trapped at our apartment (which is my place, small studio but only one big room with kitchen), especially during times when we fought. It's understandable, I have no problems with living on small space but she clearly needs more. She also became kind of obsessed with her new job, and while in one hand I'm extremely proud of her and how fast she progress (just 1,5 month in she already had raise and been offered a new options), on the other I see that she clearly can't talk about anything else in her life than her job, pursue her career at 100% and already started planning some lifestyle changes (like starting going for abroad business trips). It scares me a lot, cause that's not the girl I remember... Two days ago she gave me ultimatum. First of all, that I need to go to therapist as she feel that many of my emotional problems are processed on her (already started that). But, there was also second part. She wants to move out without breaking up, to her old apartment. She feels trapped in my apartment (she has bigger one, but much older and way worse), she don't want to live here anymore. BUT. She also don't want me to move in with her at first to her apartment. She said that she also needs to go to therapist, she wants to concentrate on other things in her life that are important to her now (like her job), typical talk "I'm not sure who I am anymore" and she also thinks that not living together will erase problems of having so many arguments.. cause we will just not see each other. She doesn't want to break up, but stop seeing each other so often and living together. Either that, or we can split at this very moment - her way or highway. She said that it's minimum for few months, until we can discuss living together again, but this time at her place. Also, she said that she doesn't want to hear about my proposal for 6 months. She said if I will do any move during that time, she will say no, cause we are clearly not in right moment for that. I tried to explain her my point of view, that I think it's enormous step back - she said that there is no discussion. "Agree on that, or make man's decision to call it quits and stick to it." What do you think? I honestly have no real life experience or know about any case when people moved out and it helped in their relationship. Especially after they lived together for quite a while, like we are. Most of the times, I heard stories and also experienced that such "break" were just more-less a subtle way for breaking up while keeping tabs on other person. Most of my friends that went through same thing, told me that the "initiator" just wanted this time alone to experience new people and then decide wheter they want to stay in relationship or try a new one. That's the outcome I am afraid the most. I can't stand the thought of going back to "ancient" times of dating, staying at each other's places in different parts of city etc. I remember how draining that was for us, that's why we decided to live together in first place. Also, considering that her reasoning might be true (like me needing to work on trust issues), I'm also afraid that it's going to be 10x harder to work on such things when we build even more distance between ourselves than it is right now. She went full cold and said "well, I still hope you will manage to get through that even if it's harder if you care about me". For the first time ever, I have no idea what to do. Like, literally. On one hand, I love her - I've also NEVER been a person that break up first. I've been to numerous relationships, and I've always fought till the end. This is the first time ever, that I feel that I need to comply because of love, but also have this urge to... Just call it quits. I just can't stand the idea of such big step back. I'm just too afraid that in the end it could've worked out, and if I will not try do it her way, I will regret it forever. TL:DR: Going through biggest crisis in our relationship. My GF (fiancee? not sure anymore) doesn't want to break up, but definiately wants to move out after living together for 1 year and "heal" our relationship by doing so.
Normm Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 You've been fighting from day one, with brief periods where you get along to some degree. In the midst of all this fighting, she suddenly proposes to you? Followed by her wanting to move out yet continue the relationship. These actions are completely senseless. Relationships aren't about fighting all the time. You two are in no place to even remotely consider marriage, and it appears to me she's cutting out on you but doing it in a way that is perhaps less painful. Odds are once her stuff is out of your shared apartment, you'll hear from her less and less until she's completely out of your life, which might not be a bad thing given the relationship as you have described it which is NOT healthy.
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2018 Posted October 30, 2018 This isn't healthy. It is possible to move out & stay together. I was living with somebody & had to move for work. We looked for a place in the middle & ended up breaking up for other reasons. But when I moved out we were fundamentally good. I did fear that the 4 walls of our apartment were the only things holding us together but that proved not to be true. You two don't enjoy a healthy relationship. Let her move out amicably. See if you can date peacefully in a healthy way under different roofs. If you can great. If you can't, that will make the break up so much easier because you will already be somewhat used to her not being there.
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