Girlfriend went out and grinded with another male at the club.How do i proceed?

[Notorious604]

a little backstory: me and my girlfriend both 22 years old have been dating for 3 years . and in a long distance relatrion ship for half of it and still currently are long distance (about 4 hours away).

 

Getting into the story. SO about a year ago she went out with our friends got really drunk and grinded on our male friend at the club. There was a huge falling out and we both don't talk to him anymore since she was really drunk and he does not drink. I blamed them both, her for allowing herself to get to that state where she's blacked out and doesn't know what's even going on around her and him for being such a friend and doing that fully knowing that’s my girlfriend and im not around.

 

We both agree grinding on another at the club is completely unacceptable. I was mad at her since she called me that night and was so ed she could barely even form a sentence. The next day she told me what happend and I was pissed this was after we went long distance and was extremely upset. We talked about this and in the end basically I told her I just never want to have this convo again if you can't control your drinking then dont. I in no way want to oppress her or anything but thats just how I felt. This was a big deal for us and for me however we remained together and got through it.she stayed home for a while and didn't go out (not that I said she shouldn’t or can't). Then After a while she did start going out again and when I say out im Referring to clubbing. Personally I hate the club I have been numerous times and decided nah I really don't enjoy it. But she does she says she loves dancing and always wants to go with me but we're long distance now so yea.. so she goes with her friends some weekends.

 

Fast forward to this Halloween weekend and she goes out I tell her be safe and she even told me yea I'm not planning on drinking that much because my cousins coming too and I don't want to get that sloppy in front of him. And then that night she calls me and asks me some questions but is so drunk she doesn't even make sense I get annoyed and tell her that I'm upset and she kinda just blows me off and says welll I'm home so idk what you want me to do. Then calls me again 10mins later asking the exact same questions she already forgot about our convo so I just hang up as theres no point shes not even in her senses. The next day she acts as if all his normal, she does not remember calling me at all. I express to her in upset because of the past and even if nothing happened this time you're putting in the same input just maybe getting a different output. Like yea maybe nothing happend this time but it easily could have. A couple hours later she calls me and tells me her friend was also mad at her because after they went to the washroom she came out first and was dancing on a guy by the bar. She's very sorry crying balling her eyes out.. Tells me the entire story of the night, she's devasted because she knows how I am and that this may fully be the last straw for me. I have to point out she has always been honest.

 

This made me so sad and the more we talked about it I just felt mad déjà vu like this is soo damn similar and all sounds way too familiar. I know she loves me, and I love her but idk her actions like the choices to get that sloppy when we been through this once has messed up.

 

Currently we're on a break because I need time to think, I know breaking up is the last thing she wants and she's obsessed with me and I know shes devasted as she thinks im proballly going to break up with her next time I see her, but I just feel betrayed.

 

She didn't cheat on me but its still a trust issue now that's only getting bigger. Also I have to keep in mind that our long distance part may go on for another two years or so. If this is just going to repeat In done but idk. I've gone out drinking with my friends too and have never had any incident.

[GinON]

Wow, 4 hours...

You can't love someone and control them. You are both young and at an age where you will be finding out who you are away from your parents or caregivers. You kinda sound like you are trying to take a parental role in her life which is kinda unpleasant.

 

It sounds like she is having a great time and wants to explore her world in a way you are not comfortable with. Let her go, the more you try to control her, the more she will resist.

 

You'd probably be doing each other a favor if you just told her you had a great time with her but it was time to move on.

[shesabeauty]

Unless the two of you are married, a long distance relationship is not a relationship.

 

Second, you said yourself grinding is not cheating.

 

Third, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to have a real relationship by pretending to yourself that you are in a relationship now, which you are not.

 

I was grinding with a girl this weekend who had a boyfriend. I actually met the guy later, she introduced me and I shook his hand. She initiated the dancing and grinding, it wasn't some heavy sexual thing but it's almost considered to be "normal" dancing in a club. It's not skin to skin, so it's tough to make a case that this is cheating.

 

I also have many women who "emotionally" cheat by approaching and flirting with me in front of their boyfriends and husbands.

 

Whatever role playing the two of you are involved in, it's just a charade. Get a real girlfriend. Don't be lazy. Unless this is an arranged marriage, forget it.

[PegNosePete]

We both agree grinding on another at the club is completely unacceptable.

Yet you have accepted it... twice?

 

How do you proceed... by dumping her, and finding someone who does not do "completely unacceptable" things on a regular basis.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like she has outgrown your relationship and doesn't exactly know how to tell you. She might not even have accepted it herself yet, but I have seen this many times and experienced it myself at her age. She is young, wants to be free to do what she wants (including grinding, it appears).

 

Being "obsessed" with you isn't healthy, either. That sounds like over-compensation more than anything. My guess is that she is fighting against her natural curiosity about other guys and her drunken state lowers her inhibitions enough to test the waters.

[d0nnivain]

You two had an agreement & she broke it. While I don't think that grinding is the huge deal you are making it out to be, you & she agreed this behavior was out of bounds. Yet she does it while drunk.

 

The distance thing doesn't help. Her going out & doing this is a way of her expressing that this LDR is not working for her. You now don't trust her & without trust you can't have an LDR.

 

Just let it go. If in 2 years you find yourselves in proximity & you both want to try a conventional relationship, go ahead but for now go your separate ways.

[elaine567]

You are too young to bind yourselves to an LDR.

She is 22 loves to go out, get drunk and dance. She is a young woman and sex will be on her mind especially when drunk and willing guys are around her.

 

You are of the mindset that even when drunk you will not overstep the line and you don't, but she is open to suggestion, she is not as committed to you as you are to her.

YOU need to let her go.

Next time chose someone close to home, so she doesn't have to go out looking for affection and male closeness by grinding on random guys... she can grind on you...

[stillafool]

No she isn't ready for a serious relationship yet because she has partying on her mind because she is 22 and her club days have just begun. I don't understand why young women drink until they're drunk in public, it's so unattractive. I didn't start drinking until I was 38 and still would only get occasionally drunk in the safety of my home. Maybe with the distance between you and her state of mind it's time to give it a break.

[Normm]

Everytime she gets away with it, the greater the chance it's going to happen again. She clearly doesn't care what you think or she wouldn't be doing it- or she has a such complete and utter lack of self control that what she might or might not do with another guy is completely out of her hands.

 

 

Add in the long distance and it doesn't bode well for the relationship continuing.