I feel anxious about my boyfriend visiting a female friend across the country

[NsecureBeeyotch]

I have only been seeing "Drew" since the beginning of August. We had actually met once over the summer and I ran into him again in August and we hit it off.

 

I tend to take things slow in a relationship, but I knew that he had this trip planned to see a female friend of his since before we had even started talking. It prompted me to have a discussion with him about a month ago about whether or not we were exclusive. He said we were, and he wanted to take things slow, too.

 

But now he left to see this friend and I can tell he is very close to her. I asked him again before he left whether he would be sleeping around on the trip and he said "Of course not."

 

Maybe it's just my insecurity, but I am not 100 percent comfortable with the idea that he will be traveling with this good friend of his around her state for a week. At the same time, I feel like the relationship is so new, that me asking the details of their relationship or implying that he will cheat on me with her is too soon.

 

I don't know what the sleeping arrangements are, and in retrospect, I should have asked him about it. I didn't realize they'd be traveling around and into the neighboring state, so I think it's safe to assume they will get lodging somewhere.

 

I had asked advice about this on other forums and was essentially told I am being insecure and if I can't trust him, I shouldn't be in a relationship with him, and that asking about these boundaries was giving him the "third degree." I haven't been in many relationships, so I am asking whether or not my concerns are valid, or whether I am overreacting.

 

One more detail I'd like to add that has been bothering me is that when he and I are together, he's on his phone all the time. I know vacation is different, but surely he could check in with me more? When I asked about a pub crawl he went on with her, for example, he quickly changed the subject.

 

I need advice.

[d0nnivain]

She is what I call a "pre-existing friend". She was in his life before you were. She's part of the package & as you recognize your relationship is too new for you to make a lot of demands. I'm troubled that he changed the subject; that seems secretive. See how he behaves when he gets back. For now, bite your tongue & bide your time.

[shesabeauty]

Him traveling across the country to see her is not a good sign for your relationship. Him being evasive is another bad sign. Two strikes?

[Dis]

She is what I call a "pre-existing friend". She was in his life before you were. She's part of the package & as you recognize your relationship is too new for you to make a lot of demands. I'm troubled that he changed the subject; that seems secretive. See how he behaves when he gets back. For now, bite your tongue & bide your time.

 

Unfortunately this is the reality, OP

 

I get that it doesn't sit right with you, it wouldn't with me either

 

I highly doubt a man and a woman are going to travel and possibly share lodging without anything extra happening

 

I don't buy the just friends thing considering he seems sneaky about her

 

Keep busy and prepare for the worst

[portwine49]

You have every right to feel anxious. You are not insecure. This man that you are exclusive with, is choosing time to spend with another woman. It does not matter if she is a friend or not. What bothers me is you were not invited. If she were an important platonic friend, I think he should want to invite you. This sends two messages to me. One, they could be more than friends. Two, he should not want to be apart from you to be with another woman.

[d0nnivain]

OP I don't know that you were required to be invited because this trip was planned before you came into the picture. If he was dating you then decided to go visit her but not include you that would be very bad.

[Dis]

OP I don't know that you were required to be invited because this trip was planned before you came into the picture. If he was dating you then decided to go visit her but not include you that would be very bad.

 

I think she said he planned the trip before they had met

 

Either way, if it gives you a bad gut feeling OP, something is likely wrong

 

The gut never lies

[preraph]

No point in nagging him about it. He'll go and you'll see what he's like when he gets back and go from there. Maybe you'll see photos and decide she's no competition!

[Dis]

Maybe you'll see photos and decide she's no competition!

 

I don't know about comparing photos to determine if he was cheating or not

 

It's amazing how low some men will stoop to get an easy piece of a$$

[Marc878]

I don't know about comparing photos to determine if he was cheating or not

 

It's amazing how low some men will stoop to get an easy piece of a$$

 

Hahahahaha, ya think?

[portwine49]

OP I don't know that you were required to be invited because this trip was planned before you came into the picture. If he was dating you then decided to go visit her but not include you that would be very bad.

 

I totally think if they are exclusive it would not matter if he planned the trip prior to them being together.. The point is he should not want to be spending time with another woman anywhere if he is exclusive. I would be offended as he is going on a date to travel with this woman after he has established an exclusive relationship with another woman.

[shesabeauty]

It's obvious he's going there to have sex with her. There is no other reasonable or even plausible conclusion.

[Dis]

It's obvious he's going there to have sex with her. There is no other reasonable or even plausible conclusion.

 

*Applause*

[portwine49]

How crushing for her but so true. Ticks me off that a guy would behave this way. As if she were an option and can just be on standby wondering while he goes off and travels with another woman. As hard as it might be, I would ghost him. She does not have time for this. Hope she saves her dignity and doesn't complain or explain why she is bailing. Let him wonder. When and if the bulb goes off and he comes back crawling, see if he has any remorse and then wish him good luck.

[Zapbasket]

Pre-existing friend or not, if I were in OP's shoes I'd be very uncomfortable with this. He should have been forthcoming about ALL the details of the trip--sleeping arrangements especially--and the nature and duration of their friendship, without OP even having to ask. You're not giving him the "third degree."

 

I agree, though, that you can't really make a bunch of demands given your relationship with him is so new. Even so, it does all sound a bit shady, especially given his evasiveness and the fact that something is obviously pinging in your gut to make you post on several forums about the situation. I agree that the gut rarely lies.

 

He doesn't sound like a great catch, what with his being on his phone all the time and his seeming lack of concern for how his GIRLFRIEND might take this. If he had you in mind, he might have tried to bow out of the trip, or at the least to reassure you in every way possible by being forthcoming with all the details about his past with this girl and what they're doing. Personally I'd cut him loose, but if you don't feel ready to do that, then see what his behavior is like when he returns, and of course check out both his and her pictures of the trip, if you can.

 

And trust your gut.

[smackie9]

He's taking things slow...which means he's asking for leeway to do what he wants, no boundaries. A guy that is honestly committed to his GF, new or not, would not do a trip like this. It's not appropriate. And no you can't put your foot down, but you shouldn't HAVE to, you know what I mean? It's the principal of the thing here......

 

 

TBH he's not taking any of what you have said or feel seriously....and what does that tell you?

[Dis]

He's taking things slow...which means he's asking for leeway to do what he wants, no boundaries. A guy that is honestly committed to his GF, new or not, would not do a trip like this. It's not appropriate. And no you can't put your foot down, but you shouldn't HAVE to, you know what I mean? It's the principal of the thing here......

 

 

TBH he's not taking any of what you have said or feel seriously....and what does that tell you?

 

Right

 

There are far better men out there that wouldn't put a new gf in such a position

 

I suggest, OP that you bow out of this

 

Even if he doesn't cheat, he's not thinking of you. At. All. Poor indicator of how he'll behave in the future.

[snowboy91]

Mixed responses here, but I'll weigh in.

 

I'm going to assume this girl has been a friend of his for quite a long time. If that's the case, there must be a reason why he's not in a relationship with her (and is in one with you instead).

 

What I'm concerned about is the fact he's so secretive about the nature of the relationship with his friend. It can go one of two ways - 1) he is actually cheating on you with her, or 2) he's thought one step ahead and know that it "looks bad" from your perspective and trying to hide details to protect you. Which isn't great either since it's making you feel uneasy anyway. If he is sleeping in the same room as her on this trip, but feels that the whole friendship is purely platonic, he'd be more open about it.

[Gretchen12]

Me, I believe they are just friends and he's not sleeping with her, because he said so. BUT I'd stop seeing him immediately because this is a deal breaker for me. Know yourself, then you'll be decisive in making your choices in men. You can slap insecure and controlling labels on me, I don't care, I know what I want. We are free to choose.

[elaine567]

It's obvious he's going there to have sex with her. There is no other reasonable or even plausible conclusion.

 

 

Exactly.

"Exclusive" bfs do not hare off on sight-seeing trips with female "friends".

 

Even if she is a childhood friend, we have had plenty on here who are madly in love with the guy and any excuse...

 

It is a new relationship, it is starting pretty badly.

Best to call it a day before you get really hurt.