Telling date about illness & leaving job

[edgygirl]

I am going soon on a 3rd date with this lawyer in his 40s. I'm also in my 40s. The first two dates were awesome and I think we're really into each other.

 

I usually work in fancy jobs but have had almost 2 years of hell after losing a stressful job and developing an autoimmune disease right after maybe from stress. I mentioned both briefly, but haven't wanted to discuss it further on our dates as it seemed too heavy.

 

He just asked me to tell him all about it on our next date. How do you tell a (practically) stranger about these things? Maybe I've mentioned it too fast, but I feel a little self conscious cause he's successful and a partner in a big law firm, and my life is a mess now although I believe my resume looks impressive. I am still not working though, and looking for a new position.

 

He judged an ex a little re: her professional life, so I am double weary of how I tell him things... he said he thought people didn't like her cause she didn't keep a job or so... wondering if he will think the same about me.

[Normm]

Can't imagine why it would be any different for him this time. He believes women should work. I guess it might matter if he's sympathetic to your illness and sees it as an aberration not your normal, but your concerns are understandable.

[edgygirl]

Good point thank you Normm. I am usually a professional woman, and actually need the intellectual stimulation that work provides. I think he likes to be with someone that has interests (ie not a house wife).

 

He did mention he would not avoid dating someone only because she was not working (which is indeed my case now)... but I'd imagine he does expect his partner to work and that he might not stay with me if I don't find a job soon or so... yikes. I am also afraid it shows some lack of generosity on his side. He mentioned the last ex wanted him to provide for her... when I questioned that as sounding like a red flag to mention on the first date, he said that actually it was their relationship/personality that didn't work... hmmm

[SunnyWeather]

hmmm, it's a bit late to back track on what's already been revealed. So, it's of no use to talk about whether it was too early to mention it (I personally wouldn't have because you obviously are well enough to be dating).

 

I find many people do not understand what autoimmune conditions are, and each one is a bit different but have similar symptoms. So, I'd be brief and say that you developed this condition (insert when) and I'm recovering from it. That you occasionally will get flare ups and need to rest. What's hard for many people to understand is that someone with an autoimmune condition can 'look' ok/well but are suffering from exhaustion/fatigue and body aches, and a sundry of other unpleasant symptoms.

 

Finally, I wouldn't stress over what he thinks about you currently being in between jobs right now. If he gives you attitude, then you know this guy wouldn't be right in the long run because you need a partner who is understanding and compassionate when you are feeling down/unwell.

[ChatroomHero]

The majority of women I have dated by luck of the draw I guess, were not big into working too much. They would maybe work 25 hours a week, be ready to quit at the drop of the hat and had little motivation.

 

 

They would talk a good game at first, like they had goals and were hard working but as I found out, they were looking for someone to take care of them.

 

 

He's probably like me, wary of freeloaders. Tell him the truth and see where it lands. Hiding it will make it seem more suspicious.

[edgygirl]

Thank you SunnyWeather all you said makes a lot of sense and I can tell you are familiar with autoimmune illnesses as your statement is a 100% accurate.

 

 

I over tell because I feel people should know my life is a little messy right now, so they can determine whether they can (or want to) take it.

 

 

Well I don't think my illness per se hindered me to find a job, although I got depressed and a little fatigued, I am not sure why I haven't found one yet... and this is kinda embarrassing for me. But I can't say that having my previous fancy jobs helped in dating life either... so maybe I am overthinking a little

[edgygirl]

Thanks ChatroomHero it's good to hear how a guy sees this. I am not that type at all, I used to be mega ambitious and usually worked 50-80 hours a week lol. But if I'm honest, after my last job I am a bit disillusioned with work life... and I also feel I gave it too much priority in my life and would prefer to prioritize a relationship now.

 

Yes he is probably afraid of freeloaders by what I read between the lines. I am not sure how I see that, I think I base potential men on my brother in law who is generous with my sis and never questioned her professional life and has been supporting her for 30 years with no questions.

 

I won't hide things, I actually already kind of told him, I am just afraid he will judge me when I explain what happened in my last job etc as he did with his last ex.

[Lotsgoingon]

You actually would need to tell him sometime soon ... so no need to think that telling on date #3 is a catastrophe. In fact, you really can't hide some of this information if the other is paying attention and is an active listener.

 

And frankly, flip the script here. You need a man who respects that you are going through an illness and can deal with that. You want a man who can see how wonderful you are right now.

 

If he can't see through and around your condition and think you're a catch, he's not going to be a good man for you ... doesn't matter if you tell reveal on date #3 vs. date #15.

 

Here's a tip for when I've been in similar situations. You need to practice telling him your story ... and you want to tell your story in a way that makes YOU feel good. Keep practicing and revising the story until YOU feel great about it.

 

I once had a job interview for a position I wanted and needed ... and I KNEW that this job would require me to perform in my weak area far more than the job I had. Still my previous job was dysfunctional and incredibly stressful (I hear you on that!) ... so I had to escape the previous job, which didn't appreciate my strengths anyway.

 

So I knew the bosses at the new job were going to ask about this weak area of mine ... because my work portfolio, impressive as it was, didn't show work from this one area. I figured out that I needed to practice talking about this weak area ... in a way that convinced MYSELF that I could perform well in that weak area ... and if I convinced myself, which I did by talking about good work I'd done in this weak area (I ignored the weak work I'd done), I knew I had a chance to get the job.

 

So here's a suggestion. Practice revealing ... Literally talk out loud. And ... think of it this way ... the goal of this reveal isn't to get him to feel sorry for you ... The goal is actually to show that you are resilient and a strong person and would be a strong partner, even with the condition.

 

You probably want to go through your highlight film, identify successes and strengths, even in how you're handling the illness. Like the difference between someone with a condition who is determined to get high-quality treatment and is highly informed ... vs. someone who is not getting high-quality treatment and is not well informed ... HUGE!!!!

 

So you might need to end your story by charting out confidently your next steps, how you envision yourself recovering from or minimizing the condition, how much you look forward to life and living and having fun and so on, the resources you have, the determination you have, the open-mindedness and creativity you will bring towards the treatment.

 

If you cannot convince yourself of the truth of this reveal, your body language will sage, your fear will bleed through, your confidence will evaporate ... and you won't convince him.

 

Don't lie, but highlight your strengths and your determination. That's all you can do ... if he's not on board ... then he's not the right guy for you.

[edgygirl]

Wow Lotsgoingon - thank you so much for your post. Much appreciated. Both for the relationship part and the interview part... I've had many and nothing turned into an offer so that was doubly helpful.

 

It's funny how I remembered my old self when I read the old part below... I should re-read it a few times to remind me what I am supposed to be again.

 

With all this I took a hit to my enthusiasm about life, but I feel I am starting to recover it somehow.

 

I can't say the illness is hindering me from getting a job, I don't look of feel extremely sick, so it's the whole constellation of problems together that makes me look like a mess right now.

 

Thanks again I think I will write my "talk" for both this guy and also for work with my strongest suits. I think up to now my work narrative was something I didn't believe myself, so I have to improve on that too.

[Lotsgoingon]

Edgygirl, glad that was helpful.

 

The real and long term goal (not discounting this immediate person) is to feel good about yourself such that that strength shines through and others can pick it up ... and you can feel it ...

 

So if the date doesn't work out going through the process of finding your story and highlighting your strengths ... makes us feel good about ourselves.

 

So this is good for short term and long term.

 

BTW: I am a rebel at my current job ... I do things so differently than my colleagues ... and I had to go through this process of highlighting my strengths to myself--MANY TIMES--in order to walk around feeling good.

 

I actually went through a period when I tried to conform to what others were doing ... and I was TERRIBLE at that ... and I realized I have to use my strengths ... but I have to believe in my strengths in order to use them.

 

Are you getting help or counseling in this period--to help you build up and recover your strengths and develop new strengths? Do you have helpful and supportive and creative-thinking friends who remind you of your worth? Those always help. Toxic ones not so much.

[spiderowl]

You can either tell him soon or wait until you are both more attached and tell him. If you wait until you are both more attached, it will hurt all the more if he rejects you because of it. Some guys will want a girl to be strong and work. It is not in your interests to date such guys. We all have our down times and ideally both partners are willing to support each other through those.

 

It all depends what kind of person you are looking for. Tell him and let him take you or leave you. At least you'll have a better idea then if he's the right guy for you.

 

I am sorry to hear of your illness and the stress you have been through. I completely understand and have faced the same dilemmas as you have. If a guy is really interested in you, he is not going to be easily put off. If he is put off, do you want a guy who is reluctant to be caring and supportive? I wouldn't have thought so.

 

Pay attention to whether a guy has compassion and empathy. It is surprising how many people lack those qualities. Believe me, they make a huge difference in a relationship.

[edgygirl]

Wow that's so funny... I am the rebel usually too. I think differently, I want to do things in innovative ways... hence I move the waters and most people probably don't like it. Most people just want a job and don't care about the company or what is being done.

 

 

I SHOULD be getting therapy but it's been hard to find with my current insurance.

 

 

I kicked a couple of toxic friends, but my best friend just moved back to her country which doesn't help. Thanks again

 

 

 

Are you getting help or counseling in this period--to help you build up and recover your strengths and develop new strengths? Do you have helpful and supportive and creative-thinking friends who remind you of your worth? Those always help. Toxic ones not so much.

Edited October 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edgygirl]

Hi spiderowl - yes and that's why I've been choosing to tell sooner than later. Might make people give up on me, but I feel I would be lying if I didn't expose things at the beginning.

 

All your points made a lot of sense to me (thank you for all of them!), and also thank you for confirming/reminding me the bold part below - maybe I should just also say what I expect from a man at this moment in my life. Best to be honest and try to find out if he's it.

 

I am mostly a professional woman, I will feel brain dead if I don't find a job sooner than later, but I also want a man who can be there for me in times like the ones I am going through now. But maybe it's hard to START a relationship in a time like this... turns off most people I'd assume.

 

Compassion and empathy are #1 for me... so far he seem to have it although I should investigate more.

 

The funny thing is the way things stand is - I - am the one giving him a chance as he's not the same faith as mine and he knows it... but honestly I think he's quite a catch and not sure he'll be into me with my messy life.

 

<SNIP>

 

It all depends what kind of person you are looking for. Tell him and let him take you or leave you. At least you'll have a better idea then if he's the right guy for you.

 

Edited October 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[grays]

I’ve been in a similar situation lately except I’m worse-off career-wise and farther into the relationship.

 

I used to be a pretty successful lawyer, very successful, really. But I have always had really awful insomnia and it was getting worse over the years. I could not get up early in the morning and make it through a day at the office, especially not the crazy long days I would need to be putting in to do what I had been or any other legal job, really. So I built a life for myself around the insomnia. I’m an Uber driver. And, truthfully I love it. Of course I started ubering because I could do it when I was well enough, which usually is nearly full-time or more, but odd hours.

 

So, a year and a half ago this guy got in my uber. I ended up getting all bondy with him over what turned out to be a four hour drive. And about four months ago what was a great fwb thing started turning towards a love thing.

 

Of course he knew what I did because that’s how we met. But I still feel a little sheepish about it because I’d never want him to feel like I’m with him for his money or because I want someone to take care of me.

 

Just recently, 5 weeks ago to be exact, I fixed my sleep problem. I had no idea that was even possible, but in May I kinda hit my bottom with it and started seeing doctors about it and low and behold I am now able to get up in the morning, get my kids to school, work all day, and go to sleep at a normal time. I have never felt like this before and I feel so much better about myself — partly because I can do what normal people can do but also because all these years I have felt like the problem was a lack of willpower or laziness. And once I started taking this med (not sleeping pills but something to fix the chemical imbalance) I was cured practically overnight. It was like night and day and I realize now that I wasn’t all the awful things I was afraid of. If normal people feel the way I do now, I was at a huge disadvantage.

 

But I still wonder what the hell he thinks about having an uber-driver girlfriend. He has and makes a ton of money. He recently said that he wouldn’t bother getting out of bed in the morning if he only made $650 an hour. And I’ve seen him spend more money in a night than I make in a year. And he has earned it all himself and works very hard. My last boyfriend was an Uber driver, and that was so much more comfortable for me. This money really makes me feel weird.

 

So, I don’t know what the answer for you is, but you aren’t alone. My guy is very accepting of my lifestyle and who I am. But I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could maintain my independence if our relationship proceeds in this direction. My fear is that I’d come to depend on him and then feel stuck. I only want to be with him for love, not because it feels too hard to pay my own rent.

[mortensorchid]

I don't know the specifics of your circumstances, but I know now the best thing to do is to keep a certain mystery about yourself, whether it's in a personal or professional relationship. So say you had a certain situation like your disease or job troubles, but you don't even know the person that you are before so you're not there to lay things out on table immediately. If they press you to talk about things, just say something like "I was diagnosed with a disease (name) last year, it's been difficult trying to balance things with meds and all, but I'm doing alright now and I know how to manage it." And leave it at that.

 

I've had people on OLDs tell me "I have four kids all under age 10", "I'm separated from my third wife", "I am hooked on drugs", etc. upon first meeting. All those things may be true about someone but when they tell you things like this you feel like they're just flushing things down the toilet before it even starts.

[Interstellar]

I had an autoimmune disease from way back and I know what that’s like. I also think it’s from stress since it didn’t manifest until I was an adult. Fortunately, those symptoms are gone and they will disappear for you too.

 

Now to your question, just tell him you’re in between jobs and just move on to another topic. This is what smart guys do. They don’t go on and on about it; especially to a stranger, and on a date, you really don’t want to depress anyone.

[bathtub-row]

If I were you, I wouldn’t wait until the next date. I’d call him and tell him your situation and let him know that, based on his views about this kind of thing, it’s probably not going to work out between the two of you. Doing that gives him the immediate option of bowing out without any more time wasted on either side, or he can instantly refute the idea that this would be a dealbreaker for him. It also shows that you’re honest, and his reaction will tell you everything.

[snowcones]

Whatever you say to him, he's going to back-peddle just to get into your pants.

[snowcones]

I've had people on OLDs tell me "I have four kids all under age 10", "I'm separated from my third wife", "I am hooked on drugs", etc. upon first meeting. All those things may be true about someone but when they tell you things like this you feel like they're just flushing things down the toilet before it even starts.

 

 

That's different. The OP didn't do this. Her date was the one that set the standard, whether he knew he was doing it or not.

 

The thing is, in the OP's situation, people just talk or ramble sometimes and they put their foot in their mouth. Some of those things you can recover from if you can find a saving grace, some of them you cant. It seems like the OP is going to twist herself to make this better, because he can't really twist himself to make it better. The only way he could possibly get out of it is by clarifying that it was other people who didn't like her, not that he didn't like her. That he didn't judge her, other people did. I say this based on reading the exact words he said in opening past. But even then, a man who truly doesn't care more than likely wouldn't even mention this.

[snowcones]

Sorry to post again, but I have a story to tell. It might make things even more confusing but I will tell it anyway.

 

 

My ex used to say strange things like this. In hindsight, I now know that he was doing nothing more than blowing hot air. Seriously, it was just a bunch of bull**** that he thought sounded good and he didn't really mean or believe any of it. For example, when I asked him why his previous relationship ended, he said one of the reasons was because she wanted him to pay for all their dates and he didn't like that. I just listened and never commented. Yet a week or two later, he's talking to me in the car, I guess trying to win me over and he says that he feels that it's his responsibility as a man to pay for dates and that he wants to pay for me. Mind you, I never brought this up or commented on it. (but he knew I was employed and could pay if need be). During the time we were together, he utters these same comments more than once and seemingly out of the blue to me, despite the fact that I never said anything back. AND he paid for all of our dates and never seemed upset, resentful or disturbed by it. He was never one to hold his tongue. Again, let me state that he paid for all of our dates and bought me gifts as well.

 

So fast forward, we broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with this. Then after some time he comes begging back, and he tells me during our time apart that he had started seeing this other women briefly. When I asked him what happened, why he wasn't still with her, he said "She always wanted me to pay when we went out, and I was like NO!" (with attitude). Sound familiar? So I realized that what he was really doing was just rambling some excuse off that he thought sounded good as to why these relationships did not work out. When in reality, he didn't really care about paying for dates and those women dumped him because he sucked in other ways. But he can't tell me that, right? That would make him look bad and he'd have some 'splaining to do, which I assure you, he could not. Not to mention, he wanted me back; someone who he willingly paid for all the dates. So basically, he was just talking **** but doesn't really care about it.

Edited October 30, 2018 by snowcones

[clia]

I agree that it seems like he is afraid of getting involved with a freeloader, and I don't think you can compare this to your brother in law and sister, who have been together for 30 years. This is a guy who just met you, has no idea of your background, you are both older, etc. He is right to be cautious. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he had a bad experience with a freeloading girlfriend. As a partner in a law firm, he probably makes a lot of money.

 

I don't think you need to spend a lot of time on this topic or give him your life story. I would (1) mention your degree and what you used to do (talk it up; if you were fired from your last job or asked to leave, do not share that), (2) tell him you were ill so you had to take some time off (you can tell him what it is, but I wouldn't get into all the details), (3) tell him you are better now (if true) and are looking for your next role, and (4) tell him you are hoping to find something to give you more work/life balance than you've had in the past. (Do not say you are disillusioned with work -- that would likely be a big red flag for him.) This is all he needs to know. Professionals understand that it can take time -- 6 months to a year -- to find the right job. How long have you been looking? Are you, financially, going to be forced to take something that might not be an ideal fit soon?

 

All of the above sounds reasonable and shouldn't cause any issues in the short term. However, if you are unemployed for a longer, extended period of time and/or start to need financial assistance from him, he might decide not to continue the relationship.

[guest569]

If I were you, I wouldn’t wait until the next date. I’d call him and tell him your situation and let him know that, based on his views about this kind of thing, it’s probably not going to work out between the two of you. Doing that gives him the immediate option of bowing out without any more time wasted on either side, or he can instantly refute the idea that this would be a dealbreaker for him. It also shows that you’re honest, and his reaction will tell you everything.

 

Yep this is what I would do too. Your situation could be a deal breaker for him, and his response to your situation could be a deal breaker for you. Quick, easy, honest. It may be personal but work is a big part of our lives and its important to him. I think its unfair that he keeps raising his ex, looking down on her and potentially comparing you, he's so wary which makes me wonder if he is over the ex.

[clia]

I think calling him about it makes it seem like a big deal and that she is potentially planning to freeload off him.

 

That isn't the case. She's a professional who is between jobs at the moment. No need to make it a bigger deal than it is. I think it can wait for a five minute discussion when they are in person.

[edgygirl]

Thanks everyone! grays - what is it you took to make you sleep? I have the same problem! I take melatonin but my current insurance doesn't cover ambien which is the only think that makes me sleep right away.

 

 

I also honestly think guys are a little less worried about what women work with. This guy mentioned wanting an "equal" to me... but no matter what I am already an equal because I have a grad degree. That's how I feel.

 

 

 

I’ve been in a similar situation lately except I’m worse-off career-wise and farther into the relationship.

 

I used to be a pretty successful lawyer, very successful, really. But I have always had really awful insomnia and it was getting worse over the years. I could not get up early in the morning and make it through a day at the office, especially not the crazy long days I would need to be putting in to do what I had been or any other legal job, really. So I built a life for myself around the insomnia. I’m an Uber driver. And, truthfully I love it. Of course I started ubering because I could do it when I was well enough, which usually is nearly full-time or more, but odd hours.

 

So, a year and a half ago this guy got in my uber. I ended up getting all bondy with him over what turned out to be a four hour drive. And about four months ago what was a great fwb thing started turning towards a love thing.

 

Of course he knew what I did because that’s how we met. But I still feel a little sheepish about it because I’d never want him to feel like I’m with him for his money or because I want someone to take care of me.

 

Just recently, 5 weeks ago to be exact, I fixed my sleep problem. I had no idea that was even possible, but in May I kinda hit my bottom with it and started seeing doctors about it and low and behold I am now able to get up in the morning, get my kids to school, work all day, and go to sleep at a normal time. I have never felt like this before and I feel so much better about myself — partly because I can do what normal people can do but also because all these years I have felt like the problem was a lack of willpower or laziness. And once I started taking this med (not sleeping pills but something to fix the chemical imbalance) I was cured practically overnight. It was like night and day and I realize now that I wasn’t all the awful things I was afraid of. If normal people feel the way I do now, I was at a huge disadvantage.

 

But I still wonder what the hell he thinks about having an uber-driver girlfriend. He has and makes a ton of money. He recently said that he wouldn’t bother getting out of bed in the morning if he only made $650 an hour. And I’ve seen him spend more money in a night than I make in a year. And he has earned it all himself and works very hard. My last boyfriend was an Uber driver, and that was so much more comfortable for me. This money really makes me feel weird.

 

So, I don’t know what the answer for you is, but you aren’t alone. My guy is very accepting of my lifestyle and who I am. But I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could maintain my independence if our relationship proceeds in this direction. My fear is that I’d come to depend on him and then feel stuck. I only want to be with him for love, not because it feels too hard to pay my own rent.

[Malin889]

The majority of women I have dated by luck of the draw I guess, were not big into working too much. They would maybe work 25 hours a week, be ready to quit at the drop of the hat and had little motivation.

 

 

They would talk a good game at first, like they had goals and were hard working but as I found out, they were looking for someone to take care of them.

 

 

He's probably like me, wary of freeloaders. Tell him the truth and see where it lands. Hiding it will make it seem more suspicious.

 

Really? All of my friends, everybody I know, works like a dog. I can’t imagine not working full time, not having my own career, not having my own money...who are these women you’re meeting?